Kind: captions
Language: en
Mel Robbins welcome back to the show
I feel like I'm getting my own I'm so
excited to see you very excited let's
jump right into the deep end what are
three things that very successful people
run every day that helps them be
successful they get their ass out of bed
uh uh they you and I both struggled with
that oh my God I still struggle with it
so do I it's I don't think people
believe me it is a thing every day of my
life every day of my life it's such a
trip well I I understand why for me
anyway I don't know the reason why it's
hard for you but there are there are
levels of reasons why it is so hard to
get out of bed for me and why you have
to get your ass out of bed
um and I'll explain why it's important
in a second but first I want to explain
why it's actually difficult for me so
number one from a physiological
standpoint
it was very helpful for me to learn that
your cortisol levels are their highest
when you first wake up in the morning
and so cortisol being the stress hormone
it's also something that can then flood
your body with a sense of like worry or
heaviness or overwhelm and so knowing
that that was just a fact in terms of
what's Happening your body was helpful
second for me personally part of my
childhood trauma was having a incident
where you know somebody did something to
me in the middle of the night and that
encoded an experience in my body that is
triggered by waking up because at the
age of I guess I must have been like
nine I had an experience where I woke up
one morning and an older kid had climbed
into my bed and done something and the
second I woke up Tom
I was in full alarm state
fight or flight kicked in I
disassociated and I knew something bad
had happened and then I had a second
response which is
did I I did something wrong right right
and so
you know you talk a lot on the show
about habits and how habits have three
parts the trigger the pattern the reward
waking up in the morning is a trigger
Tom for my body to remember this
experience of feeling something's wrong
so that's the second reason and the
third reason is is because I have
[ __ ] amazing sheets and my bed is
super comfortable and my husband uh used
to be next to me but he would he now
gets up at like 5 45 he just rolls right
out of bed and I love to just stay in
that bed Dom under those sheets it's so
cozy it's so snuggly it's absolutely
amazing and so that's why it's hard for
me I don't freaking feel like getting up
and then on top of it and you and I both
know this that an object that is resting
will stay resting unless there is a
force that acts upon it to get it to
move and so it is always hard for me and
how I've resolved this is by basically
realizing that there are a few things
that I will never feel like doing I will
never feel like unloading the dishwasher
I will never feel like folding uh clean
clothes I will never feel like cleaning
that damn cat box or picking up the dog
poop in the yard yeah and I don't ever
feel like getting out of bed
and I still have to do it
it's interesting so I think for me my
cortisol levels are too low oh so
whatever it is that gets people out of
bed from a physiological level I don't
have that so I've always felt to me it
feels like the the neurochemistry of
sleep is slow to be flushed out of my
system maybe it's just that the cortisol
doesn't pump enough and so getting out
of bed just seems like this Herculean
task because even if there's something
I'm excited to do I find myself still
wanting to lay in bed
and then the whole warm and cozy thing
yeah that goes a long way like even now
I will if I'm sleeping alone like Lisa's
traveling right now so I'm sleeping
alone so I always wake up before Lisa so
I can't turn the AC off I need it to be
cold when I sleep now how cold do you
keep your bedroom 68 degrees so I keep
mine between 66 and 68 and that's also
part of the problem the bed is warm yep
and it's like climbing into an ice pack
to throw their shoes off yes so I give
myself 10 minutes to get out of bed 10
minutes so yeah yeah I that for me going
from four or five hours to 10 minutes
was like oh my god well that is amazing
yeah for me
I try not to fall back asleep is the
honest answer so I I when I wake up even
though I've woken up naturally because I
don't use an alarm you don't use an
alarm I'm like oh like it it's I wake up
rough like Lisa in the beginning of our
relationship it was really almost
contentious because I was so grumpy in
the mornings and I'm like you don't
understand like whatever the the
chemistry is of sleep I have a hard time
shucking it off and I remember I heard a
joke one time I'm going to totally
bastardize this but the guy was like uh
to all you morning people what the [ __ ]
are you talking about he's like I don't
even want to talk like what are you
people going on about you're so happy
you're still smiling and I was like yes
that's exactly how I feel so everything
just feels eh when I wake up so anyway I
give myself 10 minutes to get out of bed
and so when you're in bed are you
thinking about something are you looking
at the ceiling are you doing so this
would I think surprise everybody I sleep
completely bundled up under the covers
like like with the pillow overhead yeah
not the pillow but the blankets oh see I
put pillows over here
right here that's like a safety thing
yeah I couldn't have that on my face so
my body that would feel nice when on my
face
uh so I'm under the covers and now this
isn't true historically but for the last
probably two years I sleep with a book
playing in the headphones a book while
you're sleeping while I sleep the entire
night it is incredible what and I don't
this isn't one that I necessarily
recommend but if people struggle to stay
asleep so my I fall asleep easily I have
a hard time staying asleep so I will
wake up three times a night every single
night the third one being the final time
I wake up yep and I have to switch my
headphones out so they don't die
and I have three sets of headphones so
headphone one I fall asleep and that's
in-ear headphone two in-ear headphone
three over the ear you sleep with
headphones so are you on your back yeah
yeah yeah yeah but it is it is
unbelievably comforting I can't even
tell you is it the same book uh well no
it changes once I finish the book okay
but I'll read it in these little
increments because I have to keep
rewinding it and don't worry we will get
to the other two things that amazingly
successful people do but yes so it's the
same book okay until it's done I read it
these tiny little increments it's a
specific kind of book what kind of book
it has to be a book like have you ever
read like a biography of Lincoln
probably what I'm reading about and
they'll spend like 17 pages on what the
grass was like in his front yard
and so it's like you don't have to like
really scrutinize every sentence you can
sort of drift in and out and so what
ends up happening is I drift and then
I'm gone and I'll wake up and let's say
I started on chapter two I wake up and
it's like chapter nine so I'm like okay
I know to go back to chapter two and
then I fall asleep again and then I wake
up again I go back to usually chapter
two and then I'll sleep so when I wake
up I've got the book still playing so
then I'm like well I'm interested
I'll turn off the AC so it starts
warming up I stay under the blankets so
I start and I'll even pull another
blanket over me so I start getting too
warm yeah then I'm like cool my nine
minutes and 42 seconds are up I need to
because I I have a rule I have to be
standing up before the 10th minute hits
okay and so I'm up out of bed before the
10th minute hits but that that has
worked like a charm for me wow I this is
very complicated I've been sitting here
about the management that you have to do
around this but if you know but I think
that's the most important thing about
advice is everybody's looking for the
Silver Bullet when in fact it's got to
work for you yeah that would never work
for me I'm already starting to think
about why I sleep on this here and what
about the headphones and I'd forget to
charge them and then I'd be awake at the
ceiling and and so
that's that's fascinating
um you know one of the things that I uh
also got from what you were saying is
that because of the cortisol like flying
through my system and because I am
somebody that has had a very
disregulated nervous system meaning I
have sort of lived life
with the accelerator on on edge that
when I would wake up and I would feel
that wave of like being on edge
it it had a very weird effect of not
motivating me to get out of bed but
pinning me there
and ironically
intellectually I know and this is one of
the reasons why it's important to get up
because if you can get up you can start
moving and if you start moving you can
keep moving and as you move the
chemistry
changes and your mood shifts and within
five minutes you feel different
even if it's just like a little
incremental bit of difference even
though I know that the feeling in the
body was so heavy
that I thought I'll just lay here and
hopefully it'll go away and it just gets
worse and that's why I asked you what
you do in those 10 minutes because one
of the reasons why I say get out of bed
is because most people reach for their
phone
and most people win the battle for
success for dreams for mental health for
happiness for confidence in the first 30
seconds of being awake because they
reach for the phone and they immediately
direct their attention at other people's
lives yeah and so that's why I say I
know nobody will I when I tell people
don't look at your phone leave your
phone on the hand and everyone's like
and then they go and do it but if you
just get out of bed immediately you got
a fighting chance to be awake enough to
not do that yeah and so I think most
people if they're struggling with being
successful or happy or whatever
I guarantee you you give your attention
to social media or your phone before
you've done the second thing and so now
we're on to the second thing which is
set a freaking intention
for the day
set a mark for what's one thing that
matters to you what is the one thing
that you're going to make progress on
today and that one thing could be how
you're going to show up with your family
it could be today I'm getting into that
gym or it could be some project at work
that you're going to move the needle on
or it could be some habit that you've
learned on impact theory that today is
the day I'm going to do that thing that
I learned from Tom and you're going to
do it and it's so important for you to
direct your mind that this matters to me
because your mind is paying attention
and if you set a little Habit in place
and successful people do this you have
something that matters to you because
the other thing about successful people
is we're all [ __ ] busy and we have a
million things going on and the second
that we look at our phone or we walk
through the front door of our business
or we step into the kitchen
other people will now need you and you
will most likely spend the rest of your
day unless you have a huge staff and
you've got amazing boundaries and you've
got a light a lot of white space in your
calendar and that is not me you will
spend the rest of your day Tom reacting
to everybody else's stuff and so if you
can get into the habit of going today
the most important thing for me to make
progress on
is X you have directed to your mind that
this thing matters now if you can
actually inch It Forward before you look
at your phone before you start your work
day before you start responding to
everybody else you will start to develop
a superpower because you will see
yourself prioritizing what matters to
you and that's critical So for anybody
with a side hustle do not be working on
that thing just at night when you get
home
your dreams your business it deserves
the first 10 minutes of the morning and
if you literally just lay like one brick
on that path between where you are and
where you want to go that one 10 minute
of effort every single day and the thing
that matters most to you that changes
everything over time because I think
most people
are struggling with the fact that you
have all these things that you want to
do but your life is organized in the
exact opposite of what is important to
you that you've let everybody else
dictate how you spend your time
you've let everybody else kind of take
over your day and you haven't done the
basics of waking up
get moving think about what matters to
you and if you can
just inch It Forward you know there's
even research about this I know you've
talked about this too the the progress
principle which they've studied
extensively at Harvard Business School
that when they look at very successful
people and they ask them okay you know
what makes for a fulfilling week
and they were specific to work but I
think this applies more generally
what made for a fulfilling week for most
people that are successful is I made
progress on something that matters to me
yep I felt a sense of control
and progress over the things that I care
about
and so if you really are someone and
this used to be me for sure where you
feel like you're last on the list
you never have time to get to what's
important that everybody else's needs
come first
that years keep going by and you're not
seeing yourself make the changes that
you want to make or not make the money
you want to make or not launch that
business or start that thing
take a look at the first three or four
things you do in the morning
and see where you put your attention
because I guarantee you it is not
aligned with what you actually care
about
and so if you can grab that back you can
do the third thing and the third thing
for me is it's sort of this combination
I call it a lined action
and that is that successful people
act before they feel ready
they act like the person they want to be
instead of the person that they feel
like today
that they you know and you talk about
this too this is the philosophy that you
believe in which is uh behavioral
activation therapy act like the person
you want to become
can you give me an example of that oh
yeah so I'm launching a podcast I've
been thinking of talk about not taking
your own advice okay I most people don't
know this but I got my start
in the media business this was my first
taste of the media business in 2008 by
hosting a local call-in radio show on
Saturday mornings in Boston
Massachusetts I did not know that yes I
paid for my kids braces by reading
Invisalign ads for a dentist in Boston
that I still go to shout out to Dr
ronkin uh he did not pay me to say that
that was a long time ago
um
and I love that show Tom I freaking
loved it why did I have a radio show
I'll tell you why because for those of
you that have seen my first appearance
here with Tom this was the period in my
life where Chris's restaurant was going
off the rails we were nearly a million
dollars in debt there were liens on our
house I had lost my job I needed money
that's why I had that job it paid 25 an
hour for two hours every Saturday and I
felt like the world's worst mom because
every other parent was at Town soccer
somebody else thank you thank you thank
you to The Graces for driving our kids
they were taking our kids to soccer for
us well I could go Host this radio show
and Chris was doing whatever he could to
save the business that show is a
lifeline I would talk to real people
every single day it made me feel
connected to people it made me it gave
me a sense of purpose I loved the
intimacy of it and so Evers and that
show eventually grew
and it became syndicated and then I won
something called The Gracie award for my
coverage of trayvon's murder and that
got CNN's attention and they called me
and said hey you know we would love to
have you be a legal analyst here and so
that then got me on CNN and ever since I
left radio I have missed it
and I've been wanting to get back to it
and in the back of my mind especially
after I wrote the five second rule I
kept thinking I need to launch a podcast
I need to launch a podcast I love
podcast I I have I need to do this and
it mattered so much to me I was so like
drawn to it Tom that I think that
oftentimes when the dream is such a call
the excuses match the desire for it
right and it was never the right time it
just never I just talked myself out of
it over and over and over and over and
over again and so finally like 18 months
ago I literally woke up one morning I
had my own wake-up call and I'm like
that's it like you're going to let
another 10 years go by
unless you make a [ __ ] decision
to get started how did you get started
so you decide you're going to do it and
like take people into the weeds a bit
Yeah okay this is where I think people
go off the rails they they're sitting at
home thinking yeah I want to start a
podcast as well and I want to hear
because I know that you end up doing it
on a way more professional stage but
walk people through what who'd you call
was it a relationship that you built 20
years ago I want people to follow that
yeah so first things first
I went to my friend Google
honest to God even though I know Tom and
I know Lisa I was too embarrassed to ask
you
because you know you guys are like out
here with all these millions of subs and
you've like been doing the show for a
while and same thing with Lewis like you
know you and I have some amazing friends
and oftentimes I find that going to
people that already seem like they're at
the top of the top
that's intimidating because it it
magnifies at least for somebody who's
got a lot of insecurity like me it
magnifies
the distance between where you are
starting and where somebody is years
down the road because part of your
um genius Tom is that like it's easy to
look at what Tom's built and forget the
fact that this dude has been studying
film since he went to USC for film
school this guy is a insanely successful
entrepreneur that's bringing all of that
Sweat Equity and learning to the table
this is somebody that's dedicated
himself to like years of figuring this
out and sampling and editing and so I
personally find that when you go to
somebody that's already there it can be
a little discouraging so I went to
Google and I'm like how do you start a
podcast honest to God because I'm smart
enough to know it's different than radio
and I didn't even know what equipment
people have I didn't know anything about
okay do you go to like how do you put a
podcast up
do you put it everywhere I don't know
like is there a form that you put the
title on and the captions and then do
you send it somewhere like I know how to
upload a video to YouTube
I know how to but I don't know anything
about this market and so I went to
Google
um You're gonna laugh at me but I bought
a course about podcasting not laughing
at all
um I uh studied a bunch of videos about
the type of equipment that people bought
um I then just started stalking people
that are doing it and I started to say
my myself okay
what does somebody that already has a
podcast what do they do that I'm not
currently doing and so the first step is
obviously learn about it identify a
group of people that serve as what I
call your lights on the path and so
lights on the path are people that are
anywhere from one step ahead of you
to 10 years ahead of you and these are
all people that can guide you forward if
you study what they did and most of them
by the way we live in the most magical
period of time you have no [ __ ]
excuse
for not walking toward what you want I
realize it may be harder for some of us
with mental health issues I realize that
not everybody starts at the same uh
starting line because of bias and all
kinds of things that can happen to
people but the bottom line is through
your actions and attitude you can create
anything you [ __ ] want
and look I'm sitting here saying I've
been wanting to do a podcast for eight
years and for six years I was nothing
but excuses for why I couldn't get
started and then finally I'm like [ __ ]
it I gotta start
and so you start by Google the topic
number one become a student of what you
want to be first
that's the mindset what can I learn
what are people doing that is
calling to me what are people doing that
I don't like and so as I started being a
student of this really important that's
why I say Google Google is a search
engine become a student of what you want
to learn about or launch in your life
and there's a bazillion books there's
master classes there's free videos
there's workshops and what's so cool
people like Tom are unpacking this [ __ ]
for you with people and so you can also
hear people's stories and so I probably
just immerse myself in it Tom and I'd
say the first person that I called was
Rich Roll
and Rich Roll is a really good friend of
mine and amazing human amazing human
being and he was really cute uh I called
and said okay I'm gonna do this thing
what would you tell me
knowing everything you know having been
doing the podcast for seven years and
you know interesting about rich that guy
is an artist credible Storyteller
amazing uh story you know personal story
his hands are in every aspect of every
aspect of that podcast like that is
Rich's gift to the world and what he
said to me is he said
thrown on a mic
that's good advice turn on a mic
start recording [ __ ]
but I'm not ready
but I'm on the equipment but I haven't
done this but Mel
if you want to do this thing
turn on the mic and start taping
episodes and then listen to it and
they're gonna sound like [ __ ] and you're
gonna realize it's a hell of a lot
harder than you think it is and so
here's the second thing so number one
become a student right of what you want
and even if you don't know people or you
don't have a network that is you know
like the one that you and I have built
over time
you can still learn from people they
haven't met full stop especially with
YouTube it's crazy it's incredible and
then you just reverse engineer it
and so what you'll do is if you were to
Simply do this exercise like we're just
going to stick with the podcast episode
but you could insert anything how do I
start a dry cleaning business
you could Google I don't know how to use
that but I bet there's a video about it
how do I start a catering business do I
need a commercial kitchen to do that
like all these things somebody has
figured out and they have put a video
out or they've written a blog post or
they've written a book or they're doing
a course right now in it
as you're a student here's your
assignment from Mel Robbins write down
all the actions that you're learning
about that people do oh I got out for
podcasting I gotta learn how to edit
audio
oh I gotta learn about equipment oh I
gotta understand all these platforms oh
I've got to listen to a ton of podcasts
to understand what I like and what I
don't like oh I've got to record some oh
I've got to under like there's a
bazillion things right and so
keep that list handy because every day
you can wake up and look at that list
and there is your roadmap to what you
want to create in your life
and what happens next is there will be
something on that list
that is the starting line for real
like when [ __ ] gets real and for me that
was turning on a microphone which I
started doing about six months ago what
is up my friend Tom bilyu here and I
have a big question to ask you how would
you rate your level of personal
discipline on a scale of one to ten if
your answer is anything less than a ten
I've got something cool for you and let
me tell you right now discipline by its
very nature means compelling yourself to
do difficult things that are stressful
boring which is what kills most people
or possibly scary or even painful now
here is the thing achieving huge goals
and stretching to reach your potential
requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
boring building your levels of personal
discipline is not easy but let me tell
you it pays off in fact I will tell you
you're never going to achieve anything
meaningful unless you develop discipline
right I've just released a class from
Impact Theory university called how to
build Ironclad discipline that teaches
you the process of building yourself up
in this area so that you can push
yourself to do the hard things that
greatness is going to require review
right click the link on the screen
register for this class right now and
let's get to work I will see you inside
this Workshop from Impact Theory
University until then my friends be
legendary peace out
how did you deal with being bad if you
were bad in the beginning I was terrible
well because I you know I Yammer on and
on and on and I I have a very dyslexic
ADHD brain and so I'm all over the
freaking place and
it was interesting because I just
assumed having done six audio projects
with Audible and you know these two
self-published audio books that okay we
got a lot to talk about
well
one of the big takeaways for me in being
a student of this is that the podcast is
not about me it's about what my
intention is that I wanted to have the
listener experience
and if you are going to create something
that has an intention
it has a very different level of
artistry and discipline and purpose to
it
and so I figured out very quickly that
yes I personally want a podcast to sound
like two friends having a conversation
and without a certain level of prep and
intention
on my part it was not going to turn out
that way it was going to be Mel
Meandering all over the place
I mean even just here like you and I sit
down and we're 20 minutes into a
conversation and we're already like
you know we're like time out and so I
needed to
in my student mindset
I needed to be honest with myself
but there are things that I have as
natural talents and skills just like
everybody does
but I also have major weaknesses
that I gotta get under control
so that I don't derail possible success
and fulfillment with this project based
on my weaknesses that's the part I want
to understand though so you have these
weaknesses they're rearing their heads
you're having some kind of emotional
response how do you soothe yourself
through that is it just a belief that
hey I can learn I'll get to the other
side that the sort of awkwardness is the
natural part of the progression or what
do you do to keep that emotional demon
from consuming it it's an excellent
question it brings us to number three
right because we've talked about get up
we've talked about setting attention oh
we've talked about aligned action and
part of aligned action is about your
attitude so I
think
I am proud of this
unwavering
faith
and optimism
that I have programmed into my Noggin
over the past several years
that I believe that whatever it is that
I'm doing is leading me somewhere else
that every experience especially like
the shitty stuff the universe is guiding
me somewhere kind of way no I just feel
like so so
it could be mystical and spiritual
but for me it's more of an internal
grounded faith
and uh you know I think you and I talked
about this but I I I had this kind of uh
you know wake-up call moment where I
realized oh my God you know you and I
are sitting here today Tom
and if you and I look back at our lives
you can see how everything that happened
led you right here
and that even the hardest moments had a
deep purpose in shaping who you are your
skills your expertise your heart your
soul your habits your perspective and
knowing that that's always been true and
do you believe that that's true that
everything that's happened to you has
somehow prepared you for what's
happening now
I don't believe that it's prepared me I
think that it shapes you for sure I
think most people live by the law of
accident though and I'm terrified to
live by the law of accident what is the
law of accident that things happen and I
just go with them
yes I don't think everything happens for
well so one of my favorite quotes
everything happens for a reason but
sometimes the reason is that you're dumb
and unprepared or whatever and it's like
stupid yeah you make dumb decisions and
yeah that I will agree with yes but I
think that we make meaning and purpose
out of things I don't think they
intrinsically have meaning and purpose
so I think that life so I think the
second law of Thermodynamics is true
that everything leads towards entropy
AKA chaos and the only way to get it
back on track is what you're walking us
through which is you inject energy back
into the system and so this idea of
aligned action makes a lot of sense to
me you have to figure out okay I set my
I got out of bed I set my intention and
now I'm going to do things that align
with my intention yes but that's going
to be hard they're going to be things
that are knocking me off course yeah so
it's interesting that you have a deep
faith that like
I guess that you've made sense of
everything no here here's yeah let me
see if I can explain it this way
um I know I guess it makes me feel
grounded confident and assured
that all the [ __ ] that's happened back
there stuff I would not want to repeat
but if it brought me to here I would
that it has shaped me prepared me it has
had a purpose do you think things
sometimes shape you for the worse though
I think things shape you for the worse
until you get the lesson or the wake-up
call or the frustrated kind of rock
bottom moment
is Mel Robbins just unusually good at
making use of that I actually think you
are oh I I think you know I think that I
I hate the fact that I have
hit a [ __ ]
[ __ ] two extra audience though it's
really interesting so for the the
audience one of the first things you
said when you got here was I'm actually
doing really well right now I've learned
to like reject all the self-hatred and
beating myself up and all that yeah and
my reaction was that's amazing yeah but
you've made such extraordinarily good
use out of all your struggle you are
uniquely able to take that mess of life
and turn it into this really simple idea
that people can deploy immediately I
literally find it comforting knowing
that somehow every experience of my life
is going to be connected to Something in
the future because you're good at
learning lessons I have to put that
caveat yes and when I believe that the
[ __ ] that's going on
is going to somehow connect to Something
in the future
it allows me to be more resilient it
allows me to be a little bit more
um is it objective yeah objective when
things are going wrong or when I'm in a
really low point or when I listen to my
first couple like
episodes that I record okay ritual I'm
going to do a podcast episode now and I
listen I'm like holy [ __ ] this sucks
and I just
took on an advertising part like this
really sucks I got a lot of work to do
I go yeah and thank God you had that
call with Rich and thank God you're
listening to it because you're right Mel
if you want this to really make a
difference in people's lives if you want
to really do something awesome here
you're gonna have to [ __ ] like learn
something new walk me through that
process so what are you doing now the
first or what did you do the first few
episodes
before I came here so we have taped
about 17 versions of episode one not
because I'm like trying to be perfect
but because I have a certain standard
for what I want to put out there and
I literally
as we've gotten closer and closer and
closer and closer and closer to Launch
I just knew that what we had put out was
not what I was supposed to put out and
that and I and I kept standing though
not like in a place like we're fought
like we're literally launching four days
from this interview Tom
two hours ago I was in the corner
of my hotel room in L.A my team had
built a a uh remember your kids you make
those little forts out of uh uh sofa
cushions I am in a fortress of sofa
cushions on the floor of the uh hotel
room a mile from here
there is a [ __ ] truck outside the
window going
that sounds about right
and we've got like a deadline to get
this to our sound engineer so we can get
mixed in everything and
I know that this is this is all leading
somewhere else so there's no reason
to actually get stressed out about it
there's no reason to get nervous about
it
and so kind of being able to be in a
moment that's high pressure and know
that somehow it's going to work out and
somehow this lesson is going to connect
me to Something in the future and
somehow this All Leads somewhere it
allows me to show up when shits going
sideways in my life and still maintain
this centered focused level of
confidence and so
uh the show I think the show's [ __ ]
incredible honestly I'm so proud of what
we're doing and the first couple
episodes that we did they weren't good
enough honestly just weren't good enough
um I really wanna do something awesome
and so then the second show was a
complete accident we were filming
something else and my daughter calls
she's blown up my phone and she is in
the middle of finding out something and
what she found out is that somebody that
she used to like now likes one of her
really good friends
and it's not even about the breakup it's
about this emotional tsunami
that we all experience in life and how
do you find your Center when something
like that hits because the other
complicating entanglement is they're all
in the same music program
and they all make music together and so
I said call me when you get out of class
we stuck the phone to a microphone
as she's riding her bike and I'm like
get off your bike okay okay okay she
sits down and you listen to my 21 year
old daughter and I
unpack this entire situation
in real time so instead of talking about
the advice you're actually experiencing
it in real time with somebody who's
going through it which is exactly what I
wanted this to be I I I am I wanted to
have an experience that was more
intimate that was in real time that
would allow me to bring people into the
ups and downs and behind the scenes of
my life without turning it into a
reality show
because that's how I learn
I learn by not necessarily reading in
the book I learn by Falling on My Face I
learn by
screwing up I learned by getting
frustrated with myself because I'm
making excuses about the things that I
want to do and none of this Behavior
actually goes away I just find that like
as you level up
those kind of old
coping mechanisms and things that you do
to keep yourself where you are they just
level up with you
it's really interesting the idea that I
think this is an idea that you and I see
slightly differently I don't know that
it matters though it's like as long as
you have the frame of reference that
allows you to get to the other side
interesting but for me it's I again be
just like yours is based on your
experience Minds based on mine I have
found that the lessons do not come
automatically that if I don't pay
attention and find the lesson and remind
myself because the way that I remind
myself is there no matter how badly I
fail that I can learn from this and that
if I learn enough that knowledge will
stack and I'll be able to succeed in a
way so my thing is on a long enough
timeline I can be anyone at anything now
I don't believe that literally but it's
so close to true yeah that I'm like it
will keep moving me forward but I always
have the fear that the things that are
happening could very easily make things
worse
and it's really interesting that as I
get older I think about this a lot like
part of my anxiety has always been
around
it it has I've grown more anxious as I
become more self-aware and the reason
that I become more anxious as I become
more self-aware is I realize that there
are real stakes and I made a series of
decisions for instance That Grew my
business and allowed me to sell it for a
billion dollars had I made the wrong
decisions that wouldn't have happened
right and I've been in legal battles and
if you make the wrong decision it goes
one way if you make the right decision
it goes another and so there are moments
in life that really are ultra high
stakes and you have to pay attention and
you have to get it right and a certain
level of anxiety is useful but then
there becomes a point where it's too
much anxiety right and now that becomes
detrimental and that becomes the very
reason that you're making mistakes so
it's like this really fascinating
nuanced thing of recognizing the lesson
will not take care of itself I must get
in there get in the messy middle figure
it out and I soothe Myself by knowing
that
it's a Jim Carrey quote that I'm
paraphrasing
but he said these people came to me one
night at the whatever the comedy store
and they said hey Jim there's a big
casting agent there in the audience this
is your one chance do not blow it and he
went out and he blew it
and he came back and everyone's like oh
my God like this was your one shot and
he was like let me tell you this right
now until you've blown your one shot
five times he's like you haven't even
started yet and so I was like wow that's
really powerful to remember that it's
gonna seem like you've only got this one
shot but really you've got a lot
but those it's really they're real see
but here's the thing there are real
consequences but see I think you're
always playing a high stakes game you
can't help yourself it's in your DNA and
you're not somebody that's going to make
a stupid decision I know I am no you're
not I'm not gonna knowingly make a
stupid decision but I've made so many
stupid decisions what were they yeah
yeah 100 so I'll give you an example
okay so uh nfts yes a road map was a
mistake and a road map led me to 120
hours a week for eight months okay to
the point where people are like there's
no way you were working 120 hours oh I
can tell you I can run the math so it
was 120 or it was so dumb I was losing
sleep it was [ __ ] nightmarish and as
I got into it I realized what the
mistake was but I I didn't know enough
to avoid the mistake now I'm very glad
that I took action and I did it and I
built it and it's all going to be fine
in the end right but it it put me
through eight months of not fun it was
brutal and unenjoyable and taxing on my
marriage yeah so I would not repeat it
and if I wasn't able to say that was a
[ __ ] mistake don't do it again I'm
likely to repeat the mistake okay so so
here's the way I would frame that
that it had to be that painful because
you were a stubborn [ __ ] and you
would have not gotten the lesson but for
it being that painful and I only say
that because hello like I often wonder
why
is this happening to me like I during
the the here's the things I can talk
about during the pandemic between like
the talk show and the speaking business
coming to a freeze and being responsible
for payroll being the victim of wire
fraud uh having a bunch of stuff go down
with people that betrayed me and stole
from me and lied to me and on and on and
on I'm like I can't take one more
[ __ ] thing but there was a singular
lesson a singular lesson that I was too
stubborn too busy to whatever that I
could then see backwards oh [ __ ] wife's
been trying to teach me this for a while
and what it was trying to teach me is
number one you have to stop being
everybody's friends and you've got to
start being like you got to start
thinking like a [ __ ] CEO you are not
people's mother
you are a CEO technically you are three
people's money three but I was bringing
that into business
two because I'm not chasing celebrity or
not I don't view myself as this person
with this like massive list of
accomplishments I just view myself as
somebody who's sharing the stuff that
I'm learning because I want to help you
avoid the painful heartbreak mistakes
that I made because I didn't know any
better that to me is what drives me if I
can help you accelerate your success or
Shrink the amount of pain that you feel
I have won the game of life for me
personally and I feel deeply fulfilled
but I was not
being responsible about the platform
that I had built and I was not being
responsible about getting systems and
process in place and the more successful
I became it was interesting you and I
you know I started to have less and less
and less to be able to complain about
and so it like got pointed right back at
me
and the biggest wake-up call that I got
when everything started to implode over
the last two years was
somebody said to me you know Mel the
more successful you become
the more miserable you are
and are they saying that about you
specifically or they're just saying in
general yeah about me specifically is
like I've known you for eight years and
you're just you know like what you were
talking about Tom you're stressed out
you work all the time
whenever we check in you tend to focus
on the things that aren't working
and that tells me that nothing's working
and
the reason why everything's breaking is
because it's supposed to
and there are major mistakes that you're
making about how you're approaching
things who you've surrounded yourself
with the way that you're showing up and
life is breaking things because you're
not supposed to continue building on
this messy Foundation
and When I Look Backwards Tom just like
you kind of Look Backwards you can
probably see oh I wish I would have made
it I would say about myself that
heartache I didn't know any better and
clearly I am the kind of person that
whether it's because I move so fast or
I'm distracted or whatever it may be I
need a sledgehammer to change directions
and I have now committed in this next
phase of my life
to change a lot of the patterns that
weren't making me happy
and so when you and I saw each other
today and you asked how I was doing I
mean it like I am starting to have a
breakthrough and happiness and being
content
and I'm realizing and this makes me very
sad to say
I'm not sure I ever really knew
What happiness feels like as a Baseline
like I feel like I'm the kind of person
I've experienced a lot of Joy I've
laughed a lot I've had some fun I've got
tremendous amount of memories I'm a good
person but in terms of having a sense of
contentment and peace
and being able to just be in the moment
and enjoy where I am I have never
experienced that as sort of a a way of
being what was the Breakthrough
well I think it was
um probably two years of a lot of things
breaking apart
it was the fact that during covid
especially during quarantine I couldn't
go anywhere
and it made me confront the fact that I
was regulating
any uncomfortable feeling by being busy
and you know there's some interesting
things that I've been really unpacking
about anxiety
and it relates to this
so I started to see that the way I had
been doing things not sustainable
by also being home I had this like
feeling of deep sadness because all of
our kids were home and I realized oh my
God I missed out on our daughter's High
School
and I'm about to miss out on Oakley's
High School experience
because I am so buried in work and I'm
so and I'm chasing the next speech or
the next plane or writing this book that
I'm not present in my life
and the other thing that started to
happen is because I couldn't reach for
the coping mechanism of running to
Target or running to meet a friend or
running to catch a plane I was forced to
sit with myself
and I started to realize that my
experience in my body and in my mind is
one where I feel like a race car that is
sitting at a stoplight and the life
turns it green
and one foot's on the brake and the
other one's revving the engine
and that there is this experience that I
have lived with forever of feeling
um just like the engine is revving and
something's wrong
and I know it comes from childhood I
know that it comes from the fact that
you know I had a mom that had me when
she was 19 and she dropped out of
college my parents are still together 54
years later wow and she was a Teen Mom
she was halfway across the country from
you know the large family farm and it
must have been horrible
and she was alone and my dad's starting
medical school and they were financially
had nothing and she was an unplanned
pregnancy and they got married like that
summer after she dropped out of school
and I believe that my mom's like stress
at that time
is something that I absorbed and I'm not
blaming an honor I'm like talking about
the science here of how zero to five
particularly in those years where you're
not verbal you have experiences as a kid
where you're not a match with your
parents and by not a match I mean that
what you need as a kid is not a match
for the way in which your parent shows
up I am sure I am not a match for all
three of my kids all the time that maybe
there's a moment where one of my kids
really needs me to be soft and loving
and kind and and just hold them and I'm
like talking and doing solutions that
means you're not a match and what
happens from zero to five is that
because your survival depends on
attachment
when there's not that match emotionally
for whatever reason
your parents aren't present they're
dealing with their own [ __ ] they never
got it themselves or like a lot of times
there's just those of us that need a lot
of love
and you have a parent that only has so
much to give
there's this famous tdg I think it's TD
Jakes example where he was talking to
Oprah and he said I'm probably going to
get this wrong but he said he was
explaining to her look you're just like
a 10 gallon person
you need 10 gallons of love and maybe
your mom had this much to give and so
there can be a mismatch because when a
parent gives you everything they have to
give but it's only a drop in the bucket
for what you actually need because
you're a unique individual
you feel
threatened you feel unsafe you feel
separate
and so I've recently learned from Dr
Russell Kennedy should have mine it's
fascinating that all anxiety starts from
an experience of being separate from
your parents as a child
and that when you're separate from your
parents there's an alarm that goes off
and that's what we call anxiety as
adults and so when you have an
experience as an adult
a lot of us and I for years thought
about anxiety as something that was like
an alarm Bell something's wrong go fix
it that's where all the doing comes in
my business Tom was my attempt to outrun
the alarm
my busyness my overachieving my drive it
was all like a coping mechanism for
something going on in the background all
the time
and anytime I would be in a situation
where I felt separate which was often
like I have often had the experience of
feeling like I'm on the outside looking
in that alarm is going off and so I dive
into work a lot of people silence the
alarm my husband did this by smoking
weed every day makes the alarm feel a
little bit more quiet people do it with
drinking they do it with uh porn with
all kinds of addictions and so I
developed this addiction
to being busy and to constantly being in
my head worrying about things like it's
its own form of addiction and so during
the pandemic when things got really
quiet
and I couldn't reach for my normal
coping mechanisms I like just started
feeling like I was having a mental
breakdown oh and I got very serious
about really going Inward and figuring
out what is actually going on here you
journaling you meditating when I was
going inward I'm a marriage therapist I
I tracked down a therapist that works
only with women around these sort of
attachment issues are I did EMDR
sessions the eye movement stuff my
husband and I did several MDMA therapy
sessions that were guided that were just
revolutionary life-changing and I
started to
experience something that I've talked
about for years but I have never been
still enough to truly put into practice
and that is that most of us treat mental
health issues by going from what I would
say the neck up
I wish there was a different word than
Mental Health
I really do because mental health makes
you think it's up here
any issue that you have time that
relates to the way that you think or
physiological changes in your body or or
like on edge anxiety all that [ __ ] it's
all in your body
your body has stored experience and mind
or just they're all connected but your
body so let's go neck down neck down is
where the money is people neck down is
where the healing is neck you want to
make more money you want to be confident
you want to be more content happy all
this stuff
let's talk about the neck down
we've we spend a ton of time talking
about really useful things in the
toolkit like meditating like uh managing
your thoughts interrupting your thoughts
changing the channel working on mindset
that gets you so far and yes those
things have a benefit in terms of what
happens in your body like we know based
on all the extraordinary research around
meditating what the physiological effect
is what the chemical effect is the
effect on stress but I am a living
example that if you start to attack
any mental health issue or any mindset
issue
from the neck down
holy [ __ ] talk to me about how you do
that so
how you do it first of all is by
understanding a simple fact you feel
before you think
and so because all the experiences in
your childhood are stored and remembered
in your body your nervous system your
gut your heart like all this stuff it's
all interconnected I mean when you and I
were uh in utero the same embryonic
Clump that forms the brain as you know
you talk about on the show is connected
to the gut it's the same glob of stuff I
know it's not technical I'm not a doctor
yeah and then like when you pull it
apart like that stuff that goop that
kids play with and that stringy [ __ ]
connects the two those are the
neurotransmitters and the thing called
the vagus nerve that literally act like
a super highway from your gut to your
brain that your nervous system isn't you
know we think of the nervous system and
I don't know about you but I think about
like you know the wires in your body and
all that it's more than that it's your
gut it's your heart it'