Kind: captions
Language: en
as you get older you are less plastic so
it actually does become harder to learn
new things you begin to find the things
that work for you and so you think oh
well I know how to do this and then you
encounter that moment where it stops
working and so now it's like oh wait a
second
so Tom we're gonna bring it to the light
later but I'll start at the deep dark
ends what are the top five
behaviors and mental traps people do to
live a really miserable life
what do people do so ego is going to be
number one so the whole idea if you want
to live the good life is to recognize
that you are a deeply flawed individual
that is holding yourself back that your
life is a reflection entirely of your
choices and not your circumstances and
if you're not happy with that that means
that you're doing something wrong so
I'll Define right and wrong as it's
right when it moves you towards your
goal and it's wrong when it moves you
away so if you're not where you want to
be You Are by definition doing something
wrong but most people can't work through
the loop that I call the physics of
progress because their ego stops them in
a critical part so the physics of
progress go like this you have a guess
as to how you're going to get to your
goal so first of all it assumes you know
what your goal is but for now let's
assume that you do know your goal so
you've got to guess this is what I would
need to do in order to get to my goal
you're going to do that thing and it's
going to fail now we all have to
struggle with uh oh I tried the thing
and it failed the problem is most people
put up their ego defenses find a way to
believe that it was somebody else's
fault it was the economy it was where I
was born it was that my parents didn't
have money it's that the system is
rigged whatever
because those are probably valid reasons
why it's going to be harder for that
person than the next person they stop
but let's go back to my definition of
right and wrong right is that which
moves you towards your goals wrong is
that which moves you away so people then
are blind to the fact that they're
saying that their real goal is to get
where they're going make a million
dollars have a successful business be a
teacher whatever but the reality is
their real goal is to feel good about
themselves
most people never have the
self-awareness to avoid that conflict
and then even if they have the
self-awareness that they're in a
conflict they don't realize that they
could shift their self-esteem around
instead of being right so
um what I tried was right and the only
reason it didn't work is because the
world is stacked against me might
actually be true but how are you going
to move forward because there is some
better thing that's going to move you
forward most people are never going to
see that because they stop at making it
somebody else's fault the next thing you
have to do is you have to be optimistic
you have to believe what I call the only
belief that matters that if I failed at
something it's because I'm not good
enough yet but I can get good and so
many people believe because it really
feels this way you believe that your
talent and intelligence are fixed traits
and the reason you believe that is it
gets harder as you get older to get
those huge gains that you get like when
you're a little kid and you can't walk
it's like this whole binary zero to one
moment of like whoa I couldn't and now I
can this is incredible and then you get
to first grade and it's like can't do
math now I can't do math while it's
pretty cool can't do multiplication
tables now I can you start to get to
algebra and it's like oh God I don't
know this is not as easy as I hoped it
would be you start having failures you
get rejected by girls like you start
getting all these things to stack up
where the path to stand up practice
walking it doesn't work as well you're
also as you get older you are less
plastic so it actually does become
harder to learn new things also you
begin to find the things that work for
you and so you think oh well I know how
to do this I've done it really well and
then you encounter that moment where it
stops working and so now it's like oh
wait a second I it was working so I had
my big zero to one moment then it
stopped working and people confuse that
with hitting the edge of their abilities
not realizing you've only hit the edge
of your current skill set so I remind
myself in business all the time my
current skill set has already taken me
as far as it's going to take me and so
if I want to go farther I have to get
better but if you don't believe that you
can get better then you won't put the
energy and effort into getting better
but because it becomes incrementally
more difficult to get better you begin
to confuse it with I've reached the edge
of my capabilities then if your ego is
built around I'm right not that I can
identify the right answer I am right so
I've done all the things I hit the edge
of my current abilities and I have a
belief that
I don't know that I can get any better
and I have the ego defenses coming
saying it was somebody else's fault
anyway ah cool then I'm off the hook I
don't have to be confrontational of this
reality that I've reached the edge of
what I'm capable of which sucks that
feeling of like I'll never be as good as
somebody else that feeling eats at us in
a really gnarly way so that's where you
get clobbered to death with oh I no
longer am optimistic that I can get
better because all my big gains my early
gains those went away and my
subconscious hands me a ready-made
excuse for why this isn't my fault and I
take it and I exit and that brings us to
the third thing repetition you become
what you repeat so people that don't
repeat things they don't try over and
over they just give up really easily
they are destined for failure if you
don't have a massive amount of
resilience you are really in trouble and
most people don't have resilience and so
if I'm talking about the five things
that you do that really like take you
down a dark path don't be resilient give
up easily because if it's true that you
can get better but the sort of early big
wins begin to diminish and you're gonna
have to work harder and push harder and
be more consistent then it's like by
giving up you never get better and so
now you're reinforcing hey Not only was
it somebody else's fault you couldn't
get better anyway so why would it matter
don't even try and so everything that
reinforces that don't even try is how
people get themselves into a super dark
place another thing that's really going
to hold people back is if you are
comparing yourself to somebody else and
you're letting that diminish your sense
of self so I would constantly if I
wanted to fail I would constantly
compare myself to other people and be
like I'm a total loser and I have the
proof because look at all these other
people and they're doing way better than
I am they're ahead of me I remember oh
God every filmmaker of my generation had
a moment when they turned 24 when they
realized that what at least for my
generation was considered arguably the
greatest film of all time was Citizen
Kane really is Awesome by the way even
though it's black and white and it's all
the [ __ ] for The Tick Tock generation
they're never going to go for it but it
it's a really fantastic film and Orson
Welles made it when he was 24. and he
made it when arguably the most powerful
man in the world so imagine somebody
like Bill Gates coming after you and oh
God even better uh one of the guys that
owns like a media conglomer Jeff Bezos
owns the Washington Post so the guy
Rudolph Hearst owned what at the time
was the media publication Citizen Kane
is about that guy so it would be like
somebody making a movie about Jeff Bezos
and that he's corrupt and lonely and
Jeff Bezos was like oh you think you're
gonna actually tell that story nah I'm
clamping down I'm gonna get your funding
revoked I'm going to make sure that
nobody screens the film all that so this
guy at 24 gets this movie made when
everybody thinks oh this guy's literally
gonna kill him have him killed or he's
gonna stop his movie from being funded
then not only does he get it made but it
becomes arguably the greatest film of
all time and so you hit this moment
where you're like Orson Welles are just
better than I'll ever be why am I even
trying then back into not being
resilient then back into all the things
you're trying just aren't working on and
on and on and then the last thing is if
I really wanted to mess somebody up I
mean I really want to break their
ability to go anywhere in life I'm going
to make sure that I mess up their body
I'm going to make sure that they aren't
getting the sleep they need I'm going to
make sure that they eat a ton of sugar
I'm going to make sure that they're
overweight I'm going to make sure that
they don't exercise and that is going to
destroy their cognition in a thousand
ways they're going to be in a level of
pain they don't even realize they're in
because they've never not had a stomach
ache when they eat they've never not
eaten right before they go to bed and
have their sleep disrupted because
they've got food just sitting in their
digestive tract they don't even know
brain fog all that stuff and so those
are the five things I would do if I
really the funny thing even as I'm
saying I can't make it about me I've
gotta like if I were gonna mess up
somebody else uh those are the things
that I would do wow but gotta avoid like
the plague like the plague but so the
the fourth one
like it just feels so like instrumental
this guy 24 like he did it and I'm not
24 but I'm 24 but let's say I'm like 26
and and I'm still not I'm not there yet
so yeah like let's say you're 40. say
you're 46. so you're 50. so this is the
Trap Is by comparing yourself to other
people it's going to diminish your sense
of self it pulls you out of that
optimistic mode and the reality is I may
never make a film as good as Citizen
Kane I may never be as good as Walt
Disney that's my the real person I'm
chasing I may never accomplish what Elon
Musk has accomplished and so I do the
thought exercise and the words I want to
introduce to people are and now what so
you're never going to be whoever it is
that you look up to and you admire
you're never going to be as good as them
and now what do you give up do you cry
all day do you uh accept a lesser life
or do you go ham and so the thing that I
want people to understand you can get a
hundred times better at whatever now
most people spend so much time lamenting
that they'll never be as good as
whatever person it is that they look up
to and fantasize about and want to be
that they never 100 x their own
abilities and so their life is far less
than it could have been so what I have
found through experience even though I
still feel the sting of not being as
good as the people that I admire or
having to face that Disney Walt Disney
had done way more than I've done by this
point in his life even if he didn't have
as much money as I have he certainly had
built something far more
um
that represented what he wanted to do
far more than what I've done right my
whole life has been about finally
getting to that moment and I haven't and
maybe it forever recedes into the
distance but what I've learned through
experience is the act of going ham is so
intoxicating is so fun that it is the
juice but most people are broken
emotionally by the comparison and so to
some extent you just can't allow
yourself to do it how do you unlearn the
beliefs that got you here uh that are
now holding you back so you have to let
them atrophy so if you want your
negative beliefs to atrophy then you
have to really stop using them so number
one read the book feeling great by David
D Burns it's all about cognitive
behavioral therapy but one of the core
tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy
is pattern interrupting so you have
cognitive distortions you're repeating
things to yourself that aren't true I'll
never be able to I'm not as good as I
could never right those are all
cognitive distortions you don't know
that that's true you won't know that
that's true until you spend a lifetime
trying and you're on your deathbed
you're like well I'm out of time now I
really know I really won't be able to do
it or by then you will have accomplished
so much if you really are that diligent
persistent so you have to pattern
interrupt you have to break out of that
thing that you repeat now what I find
fascinating is the reason that pattern
interrupting is so important the reason
that the only way to begin to let those
negative beliefs dissipate is by not
using them is because neurons that fire
together wire together it's an
evolutionary Advan Advantage it's
actually a really good thing this is why
you can pick something and get good at
it because your brain is an energy hog
from an evolutionary perspective we have
this weird dueling competing desires
that are baked into our brain one go
hard go out there chase after it get it
right Grand ambition but then you also
have the desire to sit on the couch and
eat potato chips because your brain is
so hungry for calories it eats up 25 of
the calories that you intake into your
body
now when you can just go to the grocery
store and get a bag of potato chips it's
not a problem but when you have to go
out and face death every day to hunt to
gather all of that you have to have
evolutionary pressure to chill right so
you go out you get what you need don't
keep going so you've got it now you need
to calm down because your brain just to
keep everything going is going to gobble
through those calories so I can't also
have the body going ham all the time
what the brain does is go all right from
a biological standpoint I've got to make
these thoughts as efficient as humanly
possible so that we're not 50 or 75
percent of the caloric energy so it does
things to make them more efficient and
one of the things that it does is it
myelinates the connection points so when
you do things and I think people
underestimate the complexity of a habit
so a habit isn't just seeing something
doing something hearing something
feeling something smelly it's all of
those things put together right so
you've got the Habit Loop trigger you've
got then the desire to pursue the drip
of dopamine that you know that you're
going to get you've got the sights and
sounds that might be all a part of that
all that stuff is wired together so it's
this huge cluster of neuronal firing and
it all gets this fatty tissue wrapped
around it so it's like this ball of
activity and so you get into these
patterns of activity that are the
easiest thing for you to think and feel
so if the easiest thing for you to think
and feel is a negative thought that you
repeat to yourself over and over and
over and that your brain goes oh we do
this a lot we feel this way a lot we
think this thing a lot rad let me make
it super easy so now when you get back
into I'm a loser I'm not going to do
that I'll never accomplish that or just
like a negative Doom scroll on Tick Tock
or whatever that becomes the most
efficient thing for your body to do and
you crave that feeling you are pushed
into the efficiency from an evolutionary
standpoint so you have to interrupt it
you have to stop the thought stop the
activity whatever and then begin to
build something new so you stop using
the old one and then you force a demand
on the brain so that it's unwiring these
things and making these new wiring
connections and connecting that and
because tissues in the body you never
keep if they're not needed so if you
think about muscle right if you work out
like a demon you get a yoked physique
and then you stop working out six months
later you're going to be way closer to
where you started before you started
lifting than the left and I would say
probably a year 18 months out no one
would ever know even if you had a
massive amount of muscle because your
body's just like muscles expensive
calorically if I don't need it I'm going
to get rid of it and so when you stop
using a pattern in your brain then the
connections are going to dissipate it's
not going to be the first thing that
occurs to you anymore you're going to be
out of that habit Loop in fact to push
us to the extreme during the Vietnam war
there was massive amounts of drug use
and people get addicted to opioids
heroin all that stuff most of them just
stopped when they came back and the
reason that they stopped when they came
back was they just didn't have access to
it they didn't know who to talk to like
I'll tell you right now I would have
done
um psilocybin or whatever by now if I
could reliably get it but I don't have
anybody that I know how to get it from
so I've tried like a tiny bit here and
there but that's it so it's when you
don't have it in your environment you
don't think about it you don't reach for
it you don't crave it so you've got to
do that break apart but then to make it
easier make sure that you're leaning
into something new that's powerful that
you can repeat I want to go back to
capabilities and skill set and ask you
how you would advise a person who has
ventured off in different career paths
they've tried so many things in their
lifetime they've excelled in all of them
but at the end of the day they're the
Jack of all trades and the master of
nothing so I want to hear your advice on
that and a follow-up question is do you
think that that's the way to go or do
you think they should stop and just
reassess and focus on one thing what
outcome do you want
um like let's also say because another
question I had was how does somebody go
about finding their passion who's
completely lost okay so those are two
wildly different questions yeah so how
you find your passion will set aside now
we'll just say you don't find it it is
an architectural build not an
archaeological dig
but going back to the first part so you
have to know what you want to accomplish
so for most people when they fantasize
about their life they fantasize about
becoming the goat of something like I'm
going to be the greatest singer of all
time
if you want that just think about LeBron
James if LeBron James were
simultaneously trying to be the greatest
basketball player of all time the best
singer of all time the best accountant
of all time you'd be like hey LeBron
I've got money on you this weekend you
better get your ass on the basketball
court stop [ __ ] around with
accounting right so we know when it's
somebody else exactly what they should
be doing if they want to be the greatest
of all time you need a maniacal Focus
you need to be lasered in on one thing
and you do it to the abstraction of
everything else and you do it
obsessively to the point where
everything else in your life ideally is
falling apart right it's just and I say
ideally as a person with money on you
know LeBron James it's like ah I don't
want you to think about it I want you to
be like Tom Brady like from what I hear
and I don't know that this is true but
given that he get just got divorced I'm
going to guess that it is that he would
make his family sleep somewhere else
when he had like a big game coming up he
did not want distractions he wanted to
be totally laser focused literally to
the point where everything else in his
life is falling apart but you want to
talk goats that guy is going to go down
in history now having said all of that I
find it very hard in my own life
to just say oh I'm gonna do this one
thing this channel would be way bigger
if I just interviewed one kind of guest
over and over and over and everybody
knew exactly what they were going to get
and I didn't try to Branch out and cover
more things that I find fascinating this
channel will be a lot bigger if we
didn't have the entertainment side where
we're trying to do comics and video
games and all that stuff right if I
would just maniacally focused on having
the best
interview series YouTube channel ever I
know that but that's not the life that I
want to live that's why the first
question is what do you want because
ultimately my advice to people is to
chase fulfillment and fulfillment has to
do with what do you love right so you're
gonna have to discover that you're going
to find that initial bump of like oh
this thing gives me more energy than it
takes but it's not like when I was a kid
I was like oh yo I want to have a
YouTube channel I didn't even think I
want to build the next Disney I created
that over time when I was a quest I was
actually perfectly happy to do
storytelling inside of a protein bar
company right because I just needed
meaning and purpose now I knew I wanted
to storytell I've known that since I was
12. but it wasn't like the central
passion of my life to build the next
Disney until I decided to make it that
and so when I was Jesus I probably would
have been 37 38 the first time I said
I'm going to build the next Disney so
it's you know that's a lot of my life
where I had another mission that I would
have stated another passion that I would
have said now storytelling was always
one of my passions but I actually would
have told you that it was filmmaking
so I would have said oh I want to be a I
want to be a director that was my
earliest thing and I invested a lot into
that which is how it went from being an
interest to being a passion so I want
people to understand you don't look in
words and find a passion you look
inwards and find something that gives
you more energy than it takes then you
invest in that to see if it's really
going to be a Fascination if the more
you do it the more you push yourself
into learning about it if the more
you're like whoa this is really cool I
love this that's a Fascination now if
you want to turn it into a passion
you're going to go through the process
of gaining Mastery for something to be a
passion I think you have to get feedback
from the world okay I happen to know
that you're a singer and an amazing one
at that and I know human psychology
enough to know when you played me your
song for the first time and I freaked
out that that feeds into your sense of
like wow I worked really hard to get
good at something and this person's
having a really big emotional reaction
and that's part of how I want to
contribute to the world I want to sing
in a way that moves people you saw that
it moved me now you you're in that Loop
that I called the passion Loop so for it
to be passion you need to work really
hard to get good at something that
matters to other people and you need
both the shout meaning when you sing it
makes you feel some kind of way and the
echo where I hear what you've worked so
hard at and I'm like oh my God and now
you're in this Loop where you're like I
want to get even better because I want
more people to react like that now
you're in a passion Loop now where
people get into trouble it's going back
to the first question so now you're in
this passion Loop you should be fine
with hey I sing it makes people feel
awesome we're good right no because
you're comparing yourself to other
people you have this huge goal that you
want to attain and so now you've got
something outside you try to achieve it
you get knocked back it didn't work the
way that you thought it was going to
work what does that say about me
possibly you make it other people's
fault or you just give up and go wow I'm
really not capable which then makes you
feel terrible about yourself which that
makes you not love the singing as much
as you did before and you get into this
super self-destructive Loop so let me
tell you what monks have figured out
that other people don't get that that
desire to want more is a double-edged
sword a monk is somebody who realizes oh
this thing that makes me feel alive and
pushes me to be better also Cuts me down
and makes me dislike myself and makes me
lose passion for the thing that I loved
right before I started comparing myself
and so the choice that they choose is to
opt out of the Rat Race and so they're
like I'm just gonna go over here and I'm
gonna let go of Desire because I realize
that desire is the root of all suffering
now I take a totally different approach
and I go well I know I'm going to suffer
I know the world's gonna kick me in the
face I know that I'm not going to be I
want to be the greatest at everything I
ever think of I know that just isn't
going to be true so I had to come to
peace with okay you're never going to be
as good at all the things that you want
to be good at and so now how do you play
the game and so for me I like to be
broad ER maybe than somebody who's gonna
like really be the goat at something but
I just want to enjoy my life I want to
enjoy the shout and the Echo and so for
me to to if I just wanted to enjoy the
echo I would go in the YouTube comments
I would figure out what they want me to
do and I would just do that if I want to
enjoy both the shout and the echo I find
this balance of here's a range of things
that I like because trust me here's how
many things I want to spend my life on
here's how many things I do spend my
life on here's what I would have to do
if I wanted to be the goat and I just
realized that for me
being that myopically focused on
something doesn't make me feel the way
that I want to feel and so I understand
that that means that I probably won't
achieve I know I won't achieve as much
if I were to broaden it but I only want
to broaden it so much so that I can
still achieve quite frankly on a massive
global scale
that will echo through human history the
truth is hitting your career goals is
not easy you have to be willing to go
the extra mile to stand out and do hard
things better than anybody else but
there are 10 steps I want to take you
through that will 100x your efficiency
so you can crush your goals and get back
more time into your day you'll not only
get control of your time you'll learn
how to use that momentum to take on your
next big goal to help you do this I've
created a list of the 10 most impactful
things that any High achiever needs to
dominate and you can download it for
free by clicking the link in today's
description alright my friend back to
today's episode don't you think you will
actually be the goat of your Niche by
focusing on multiple skills that
synergize rather than just focusing on
the one thing to be the best at it all
right so you have to hold two competing
ideas in your head so here's the truth
about what it's like to be inside my own
mind I imagine myself in a Dragon Ball Z
Super Saiyan moment with flames all
around me screaming
like morphing into something huge and
Unstoppable but at the same time I
understand that the reality is that this
is probably going to be a struggle and I
may never become the goat but I don't
accept that internally internally I'm
like okay maybe it doesn't happen
but what if you play all out like it is
going to happen what if you act like it
is an inevitability that if you keep
pushing as hard as you can moving
forward that you will eventually get
there but I know so well that if I judge
if I only reward myself for becoming the
goat then my life hinges on one final
moment and I know two things one it's
prop it is wiser not as probably it is
wiser to enjoy the climb than to reach
the summit and then two because I know
that I may never get there I don't want
to constantly have my thing in the
future because the future will always
let you down now the question is why
this goes back to Evolution the reason
the future always lets you down is
because we have hunger this is why we
equate the desire for food the desire
for sex the desire for Success we say
hungry I'm hungry for whatever because
that's what it feels like and hunger can
only be momentarily satiated it can't be
permanently because you would die right
so if all you had was the motivation to
go get one meal and eat the biggest meal
the biggest Feast that you possibly can
if that's all Evolution got you to do
and then you ate it you were full and
like I'm full forever you would die so
once you understand it's an evolutionary
context of there is a sub-program
running in your brain to make sure that
you're just going to keep going and
going and going so I'm very careful
about how I approach my life to make
sure that I acknowledge the truth of The
Human Condition which is that I'm having
a biological experience which is that I
will always have hunger no matter how
much I eat I mean I'll momentarily be
sated but it won't last and so I'm super
careful to enjoy the climb because I
know the struggle is guaranteed but the
success is not and I know better than to
make my whole life hinge on the future
because even when I get to the Future
even if I was the goat and I stand
towering above all the accomplishments
of Walt Disney I'll still be like yo
what's next it's an inevitability
do you think everybody's like that like
or do you think there's ever going to be
a time when you see like what you said
you're like hovering over all of your
accomplishments like every somebody
would be capable of being I'm I'm good
like that's it do you think that's a
youth thing or like do you think
everybody always wants more it is a
hundred percent that every single person
has Drive
hunger
it is also true that that's a spectrum
it's just a personality trait so we all
have it to some degree but the question
is how much now I'm probably pretty
close to pegged out where I'm willing to
suffer to the point where other people
worry about me because I'm I just push
myself and push myself and push myself
so not everybody's going to be like that
also I think there are people that have
a different value system than I have so
take a monk they like the idea of I want
to disengage from the world I realize
the toxic toxic nature of never-ending
Pursuit that there will never be a meal
so satisfying that I don't want to eat
again so why do I allow myself let me
transcend that
so for them they would train themselves
to let go of that to not give into it I
feed into it I have looked at both
options before me and one resonates with
me at a conceptual level because it's
not like oh I wouldn't became a monk for
30 years and I'm like oh rad now let me
go like really like pour myself into
building something and see which I
prefer but I flirted with them both
enough to know at least at the early
stage which one I find constantly
energizing and the one I find constantly
energizing is building and even when I
fail I'm still energized by it and I'm
very careful with my ego not to let it
get tied up in that but everybody's
going to make a different choice but I
think that people that don't face the
reality of what they want their life is
going to be very sad and so what I'm
always trying to do when I'm trying to
get people to understand go after it
want like want to be the best and really
go after it like I mean give it your
everything but don't value yourself on
whether you achieve it or not so the
thing that I value myself for the thing
that I reward and punish myself for is
did I show up and play to win not did I
win did I show up and play to win and
since I show up and play to win almost
every day not every day every now and
then I'm off my game but I I played a
win man and I'm tracking myself from the
moment I wake up to the moment I go to
bed and if I'm like yo you played to win
today and by the way I had a good time
doing it like I love that [ __ ] then I'm
good but as somebody who has succeeded
and failed many times I learned very
early to reward myself for the pursuit
and not for the accomplishment so you're
extremely self-aware and I feel like
that's something really hard to teach
but how would you go about helping
someone become more self-aware of what's
right for them dude I love this question
so the way to get more self-aware has
become an obsession for me because I'm
trying to become more self-aware in
myself so those moments where you break
through and you're like oh wow I didn't
even realize that that was a part of my
personality that was you know this is
water right it's so ubiquitous in my
life I don't even realize it as a a
choice or a way that I view the world it
was completely invisible to me and then
someone will say something and you
finally go whoa I Can See Me Now from
your perspective and I realize that is
what self-awareness is you can finally
see yourself the way other people see
you there is no more water there is only
the awareness that oh I'm constantly wet
so I've started thinking okay how is it
that I do that how do I and look I am
blind still and it horrifies me every
time I have an awareness I'm like oh my
God I got to this age and I never
realized that about myself a little
unnerving but I've become aware of so
many different things that it it comes
back to tying uh Revelation to a bodily
sensation so what I try to do is realize
what I am feeling at any one time and
then be honest about why I am feeling it
and being able to track that down and so
figuring out
there's this idea that Jordan Peterson
has of micro personalities and he says
that's the best way to understand
yourself so an alcoholic when they're
jonesing for a fix just in the in the
grips of
um the alcoholism they become a
different person so they have a whole
subset of their personality that's now
in control that might lie cheat lack
Integrity
um push other people down whatever to
get that alcohol like one thing you
learn if you're a lifeguard is they say
if you go to rescue a drowning person
odds are they're going to try to drown
you as well just because they're just
trying to get air man they stopped being
like the loving caring person because
when you want that like breath of air
that badly like you're just gonna do
whatever it takes to make it happen you
have to be aware that these micro
personalities take over and so when you
have a feeling odds are that represents
a micro personality that you've slipped
into and if you can recognize oh and I
feel this I bet I am a certain way now
to other people that that almost doesn't
feel like a spectrum of you it's like oh
here we go they're in their annoyed
phase they're uh pissed off and I know
how they are when they're like that
they're scared and they act this way
they're depressed and they act that way
right so for them it's like these
discreet versions of you these micro
personalities so what I began to realize
is oh when I feel this way I man it
Manifest this way I have a microcosm of
personality traits that cluster together
that are hyper predictable to people
outside of me but because the emotion
feels so Justified to me it's water I
don't even see it it seems like this is
the only way to react to this moment
there is no other way everybody in my
position would react exactly like this
so it isn't a micro personality it's
just how one should act and so it's not
like you're even thinking about that
you're just like stimulus response now
what I've trained myself to do is go I
feel something what do I feel whoa I I'm
agitated why am I agitated well they
obviously did something wrong no no what
do I know right because I have these
rules and so I walk down rule number one
if somebody's angry I guarantee an
insecurity has been triggered now
there's actually things that the edges
I'll leave that aside for now so I
recognize oh I'm agitated I know that
that means an insecurity's been
triggered what insecurity has been
triggered but it was training myself
through having these realizations of
like oh I get this flustered feeling and
now I want to argue for an idea that's
mine oh I'm feeling stupid okay so
that's what I do whenever I feel stupid
but it really was tracking back as I
would like replay the day like I don't
like the way that feels
and in fact that's where it started I
don't want to feel that way again how do
I avoid it to avoid it you have to
figure out what caused it as far as I
can tell that's other than getting
feedback from other people so empowering
people to tell you like hey why are you
acting like that it's not pleasant I
don't like the way you're talking to me
whatever or after the fact hey you came
across really harsh
um I I didn't respect the way you
handled that it's like oh whoa like it
was invisible to me I had no idea like
there was one uh time during a company
team meeting where I was like hey
everybody's got to step up now because I
love that kind of language I like yo we
got this we can do it but everybody's
got to rise up I was completely taken
aback that somebody gave me a DOT which
is feedback for people watching this uh
and they were like yo that was really
hard to hear and I was like huh and so
because for me I love that [ __ ] War
language like we got to do this we gotta
get better I'm not saying oh you're a
loser and you need to get better I'm
just like this is a human condition our
current skill set's already taken us as
far as it's going to go if we want to go
somewhere in the future that's farther
we have to get better but that gave me
the like oh wow I see how that part of
my personality comes across to other
people now I may still use that tool but
at least I won't be blind to it now I
have self-awareness literally aware of
self
from another person's perception and I
can act accordingly and then a last
question on this is uh
being able to see yourself from a
different perspective are the things
that either trigger you or whatever
caused by some sort of like some
experience in your childhood that par
like is a pattern that you exhibit
which causes these emotions in other
people I think it's inevitable that you
are shaped by everything that happens to
you in your life and you formulate
responses and you repeat those responses
they get hardwired in your brain and so
you act a very predictable way in a
given set of circumstances but I
personally can't track back oh this is
because of that thing that happened for
me there's precious few things like that
so it's more about the personality and
how your personality is just you but
then if you see it from a different
personality type it'll seem uh that's
how you'll understand what caused that
or how I end up taking in the
information about what I'm like to other
people
a little bit of both so the way that we
become who we are you're 50 hardwired
your personality and you're 50 malleable
your response to all the different
things that happen to you and your
ability to unwind some of that so there
are things about ourselves that we can
unwind and we can be different and
people like whoa like I will tell you in
my marriage Lisa and I are dramatically
different people than we were at the
beginning and we will point out to each
other hey that barb in your personality
I actually don't like that some have
been easier to change than others and so
it's like wow like there are some things
even though I'm aware of them I can
articulate it I can even say I've
slipped into that thing you hate I can't
stop myself from doing it yet so some of
those things prove very difficult to
unwind so for instance I constantly
slide back into optimism like no matter
where things are going like I'm just I
find myself like but we could ultimately
and then it's like this is like hey we
have to re-ground we've got to really
think about how this is going to happen
and so we'll butt heads over that we're
all slip back into the dream the big
vision and she just she can't be there
it's stressing her out she's like I need
to know how we're going to pull this off
and so not doing that is very hard now
you can get better you can train
yourself okay so that's part one nature
and nurture they Collide I think it was
Lisa Feldman Barrett that said we have a
nature that requires nurture so they are
so intertwined it's almost pointless to
try to tease out like what half is what
just there's a process to run for change
that is outside the scope of this answer
every time that you get to something you
want to change run the process if you do
that diligently for three years and
you're still having a hard time making a
change odds are you've hit close to
bedrock of the 50 that's unchangeable
okay so the other part how do I Peg my
sense of self-awareness
this really comes down to there's only
so many personality types right so let's
ballpark it let's say there's 50-ish
types of people that you're gonna meet
of course you can boil it down to like
the five types whatever but it feels
more nuanced in reality it's not like
everybody meet you like oh you're this
you're that you're that there's only
five like people definitely feel like
Shades and blends of those big five
traits so let's just call it five sort
of big 50 big buckets that you're gonna
encounter different people it's like
okay I'm beginning to understand how
when I act that way how that kind of
person sees me that's really useful now
as you begin to collect that data you're
going to drive yourself crazy constantly
trying to be the way that that person is
going to be able to respond to you so
there are things that I will take in and
go okay that's really useful you can
never know too much about how you come
across but there's also I need to live
my life on how I feel as well so if I'm
gonna go into battle even though my
battles are always business if I'm gonna
go into battle I'm going to call it
battle because that resonates with me
now if that doesn't resonate with other
people in some circumstances I'm going
to make sure that I speak in a way that
is understood by more people and other
times I'm going to be like I need to
feel a certain way to perform the way
that I want to perform and I'm going to
go in with all of my language and all of
that the key is to just be aware of it
so that you grab a tool when it's useful
so for instance I try never to be out of
control of my anger I won't say that it
doesn't happen but damn is it rare So I
was recently on a call with lawyers and
I realized anger is the only thing
that's going to move this forward and so
I had to display very controlled trust
me I wasn't a raging lunatic but I had
to display a very controlled anger to
let them know hey this is what we're
doing was bringing more the the opposing
sides together and so I had to make sure
that the intensity of a given point was
communicated through emotion so I need
to know ah cool
this feeling that I'm getting of being
really annoyed really frustrated and
wanting to punch through my computer
it's like okay some insecurity's been
triggered one is what insecurity that
I'm not going to be able to achieve what
do I want what I want to achieve in the
business that's going to stop me from
achieving my goals if I don't achieve my
goals as much as I know better than to
build my self-esteem around the
accomplishment I'm still highly invested
in the accomplishment so cool I know why
I'm feeling it am I going to display it
that becomes the question is it useful
in this moment so for instance I was in
a near rage that entire call lasted two
and a half hours but how many minutes of
that call would anybody on the call know
that I was that annoyed seven so it's
like you have to have the awareness to
turn it into a tool and then you have to
have the control of your emotions to
wield the tool appropriately so in my
life I think one of the biggest thing
that's stopping me
um is the this distraction and I know
you talked about distraction how like
doing the easy things first or doing the
thing that side just more comfortable
first so it feels like you don't have
don't get distracted you're like a level
100 at like squashing distraction what
would your recommendation be for someone
maybe level one where it's like I have
this big goal and then there's but then
there's like scrolling on social or
doing the easy task first like what is
that like that's huge Chasm there so how
do you walk people through um that Chasm
or to get to that level 100 uh of your
life so I'm I'm unfortunately I'm only a
level 80 Mage when it comes to
distraction so I do still suffer uh from
some of that just like anybody else but
I have so I think rules values and
desire are wildly underutilized so I
have rules in my life at certain times
I'm doing certain things and since I
block my time so religiously
I have very bright lines when you have
bright lines you know whether you're
doing the thing you're supposed to or
not right so if I pick up my phone and I
start scrolling and the funny thing is I
have there's a certain
um set of circumstances that when
they're met I will blindly reach for my
phone pull it out and start scrolling
and I'll catch myself like reaching for
my phone I'm like what are you doing but
it's this certain kind of anxiety where
I've encountered a tough problem I need
to think through it I don't have the
answer that I can move on but I'm not
quite sure what hook to latch into to
begin thinking through the thing and so
there's some release that I get from the
distraction of soothing my mind and so
when I realize that I do that and that
there's a predictable set of triggers I
was like whoa distraction is actually
really powerful so as teaching in Impact
Theory University and I forget the
question that was asked but I was like
sometimes you just need to Doom scroll
cats and because you you will reach a
point where your brain is like really
tied up in a knot about something and
you have to let it go you have to
release and sometimes you just need the
input of something this is why Tick Tock
is so powerful it's like all about
retention that retention is really
distraction and so it's probably worth
I've never done this before but it's
probably worth defining what distraction
really is from an evolutionary
standpoint it is total acquisition of
your attention because you want your
attention to be on something else you
don't realize that the distraction is
hey something just moved in the bushes
and so your brain needs a mechanism by
which it goes you should be paying
attention to that thing now your brain
is very good at utilizing mechanisms for
multiple things and so like testosterone
can actually make you hyper violent or
hyper uh loving it's super weird it all
depends on the context they've done
crazy studies on this where I was like
there's no way that's going to be
correlated to testosterone and it is so
it's literally one way and then the
exact opposite super bizarre so the same
thing I'm guessing I've not looked at
any studies on this but I'm guessing the
same mechanism is happening with
distraction so it is both the yo you
need to pay entire attention to this and
you're so gripped on one thing you need
to use that ability of the brain to yank
your focus over to something else to
shift gears because imagine from an
evolutionary perspective if you got
stuck on one thought like think about in
your relationships do they love me do
they not love me imagine you could never
shift out of that thought you get eaten
right so there's a part of your brain
called the basal ganglia it's known as
the gearbox of the brain so when people
get obsessive like obsessive-compulsive
disorder they can't shift out they've
got this thought it's intrusive and it
just won't go away so my guess is that
distraction is actually the brain's way
of Shifting your gears so when you are
distracted it's actually your brain
grabbing your entire attention and
saying look at this and that's what Tick
Tock has mastered and that's why it's so
short because it's going to give you
these quick things that say pay
attention to this all of the
evolutionary cues make you want to look
at that thing and then to the next look
at that thing then to the next look at
that thing and so because a I know that
that's happening I'm able to deal with
it with the rules the values right so I
know the rules I've got bright lines I
know the values so I want to be the kind
of person that's staying on on task
that's bringing myself back to it and
then I'm going to practice so that I'm
getting better and better and better all
the time which would be my advice for
somebody who's level one that's trying
to get to level two three four I
meditate every day and so every day I'm
I do this thing called Just Breathe
meditation or that I call just breathe I
don't know if everybody calls it that or
not but I call Just Breathe meditation
I'm just trying to come back to the
breath and it's my way of elongating the
period of time where I'm actually
focused on the breath now it's actually
not very long I would guess 15 maybe 20
seconds on a good time and then my mind
starts to wander and then I just remind
oh yeah back to the breath back to the
breath and so you get very good at oh
I'm reaching my from my phone back to
the task back to the task and because
I'm practicing it every day and then I
have the rules to know if I've gotten
off task I have the value system that
makes me want to stay on task and then
I'm practicing it to make sure that I'm
actually getting better at being on task
all of those things become very useful
in terms of like getting me back and
then I'm time blocking so I know exactly
what I should be doing at what point
what is up my friend Tom bilyu here and
I have a big question to ask you how
would you rate your level of personal
discipline on a scale of one to ten if
your answer is anything less than a 10.
I've got something cool for you and let
me tell you right now discipline by its
very nature means compelling yourself to
do difficult things that are stressful
boring which is what kills most people
or possibly scary or even painful now
here is the thing achieving huge goals
and stretching to reach a potential
requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
boring building your levels of personal
discipline is not easy but let me tell
you it pays off in fact I will tell you
you're never going to achieve anything
meaningful unless you develop discipline
right I've just released a class from
Impact Theory university called how to
build Ironclad discipline that teaches
you the process of building