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Language: en
we are attracted to men that fulfill
their potential if your motivation for
becoming rich is getting more women you
have to think about the quality of women
but if it takes money to access her you
are replaceable and I want to start with
a quote from you if I may what social
media is doing what this woke culture is
doing is destroying femininity and
replacing it with narcissism and telling
them that's feminism now you've also
said that modern dating is just training
for divorce now if you had to get
specific what problems is modern dating
creating exactly and if you could
control the social media algorithms what
values would you want to present to
people to make them better at romantic
relationships what amazing question
thank you for asking such an insightful
question I think what's happened and I
don't mean mean to blame the audience
the reality is we're not designed for
this level of exposure to human beings
as we are being exposed to in this
current climate we have social media we
have Internet we have the dating apps we
have the ability to get webcam girls
pornography we have such an exposure to
humans that we've never been able to do
or nor are we prepared for so what's
happened is when it comes to forming
relationships it's done the opposite
what it's done is made people crave
connections but have no idea where to
start and how to connect so the reality
is what I mean when I say we've turned
narcissism into and labeled it as
feminism unfortunately the Advent of
social media has accelerated the status
of women um far more than it has for men
what social media has done is allowed
women a platform to kind of showcase
their body their um preferences
basically put themselves on the
marketplace men don't really have that
same access so we're creating that um
division between them and what it's done
is allowed women to leverage their
beauty in a way that they've never been
able to do before before if you were a
beautiful girl you were just for in your
city and people would like you but you
wouldd marry the guy in the city and
you'd have a great life unfortunately
now if you're a beautiful girl you can
be a beautiful girl to the world and you
can have a million followers so it makes
every man disposable any man she's with
essentially becomes disposable so
unfortunately what's happening is women
are learning that they become this
almost like a deity in terms of Beauty
in a way that they've never had before
so that's what I think is happening for
women in terms of men the main problem
that's occurring is the access to
pornography and the access to beautiful
women what that is doing is them seeing
all these beautiful girls thinking I
want those girls but I don't want
rejection so what I'll do is find a way
to access those girls and it comes in
the form of pornography or webcams or
anything like that so what's happening
is we're distancing the Sexes from each
other through the Advent of the internet
and if I could control the algorithm I I
would wish there was a way of people
being as honest and sincere as they
possibly could be and removing the idea
of trying to protect themselves in the
form of idolizing money or sex because
that's usually what people are doing
they're protecting themselves they're
going into relationship saying I just
want someone rich or a man is protecting
his ego saying I just want someone who's
good at sex they don't really want to
get vulnerable with each other I wish
people could put that aside and put
their true values of vulnerability and
authenticity as a Forefront and then the
algorithm could find them somebody along
those lines rather than feeding their
ego it's an amazing breakdown of the
problem set what's the point of a
relationship uh I would imagine the the
point of a relationship is to kind of
create a shared meaning and purpose now
throughout history that's always been to
create a family like a shared meaning
and purpose but it doesn't have to be
primarily a family I've noticed in
couples that don't embark on a family
they find a shared meaning and purpose
in the form of a business or in the form
of shared extended families maybe their
brothers and sisters get on really well
maybe they have nieces and nephews or
whatever they create a shared meaning
and purpose Now relationships which lack
a shared meaning and purpose in the form
of either parenting or F same values or
anything they tend to end up drifting
apart so the purpose of relationship is
somebody that you can enjoy life with
whilst maintaining a shared purpose and
meaning that is aligned to one another I
have a growing thesis about why modern
dating is as problematic as it is what
is it about social media I I had never
come to the conclusion that this is
access to too many people problem the
thing that I worry about is is that what
the algorithms end up doing is they
hyper fragment us so that whether it's
uh only fans or pornography you're able
to pick a very narrow thing that you
want and you can indulge so deeply in
that thing that you lose sight of what
you're calling shared meaning and
purpose I always think of it as shared
narratives if we don't share an
understanding of what the purpose of a
relationship is then we're approaching
the problem with a distorted frame of
reference M now my audience has heard me
talk a lot about frame of reference but
just to set the table for this
conversation so your frame of reference
is the distorted lens through which you
view the entire world there is no way
for it not to be distorted without
getting into postmodernism while uh I
violently disagree with the
postmodernist interpretation of the
world I understand how they end up going
down that path because identifying what
is objectively true is very difficult
when we have a brain that has to
simplify the world and to simplify it it
basically creates a simulation right and
so we view the simulation and mistake it
for objective reality right so the
algorithms allow you to really
unintentionally get this hyper distorted
view of what the world is what women is
what a relationship is what sex is but
you don't realize it's happening right
so you don't realize that you're coming
to a conclusion about what a
relationship is it just happens right
and so you get the red pill
people very unhelpful set in terms of if
you're right and relationships are about
shared meaning and purpose I think you
and I would both agree that the
Northstar when you think about living
your life well is human flourishing yeah
what is going to it's not happiness I
call it fulfillment but if you think of
it as what's going to make me feel good
in the widest variety of situations
possible that sort of gets you in the
right direction so this hyper
fragmentation creation of a distorted
lens by which you value what
relationships are then lead people down
a road where they don't flourish right
so it's interesting that you you singled
in on this idea of shared meaning and
purpose so if we have access to too many
people how do we begin building shared
meaning and purpose when we get together
in relationships well the thing is
unfortunately we have to look at our
values and once we know what our values
are we have to start learning to reject
rather than um glorifying the one
ingredient we like so what I mean by
that is say for example I meet a man who
just glorifies Beauty having a beautiful
partner it monopolizes his brain so what
will happen is he might mute a beautiful
woman and the beauty of her will allow
him to kind of submit to all of her
demands no matter how unreasonable they
are so she might be asking for more
money than he's got he's prepared to
give or she might be disrespectful she
might be cheating on him she might be
doing this they're forgetting all of
what the ingredients a healthy
relationship looks like and focusing on
an egotistical desire similarly if a man
has money a woman might ignore all of
the other red flags and just F glorify
this one e extrinsic trait so what I
would say is if you want to start a
healthy relationship make sure you have
a balance of values what you really look
for in a relationship rather than what
you look for to boost your ego the
people people that glorify one
ingredient tend to have uh lacked that
at some stage in their life or lacked
access to that at some stage so they
glorify it and they allow all other
behaviors to be ignored but then it
eventually leads to a divorce it
eventually leads to children's homes
being broken done it eventually leads to
people being crippled in the future when
it comes to starting relationships again
it's so destructive so I would say if
you want a healthy relationship have a
look at your values and make sure that
they are healthy and is the person
you're attaching to ticking all of the
boxes or are they just fulfilling an
egotistical desire that you have at the
moment all right I've heard you say that
you actually understand the logic of
arranged marriages yes and I if I
understood correctly because of this
idea of shared values yes what is the
logic of an arranged marriage
essentially what psychology has always
found is when two people come from
similar backgrounds they have a higher
rate of them becoming successful in a
relationship only because they
understand each other's norms and values
in a way that nobody else can
if I understand that you know let's say
for example silent treatment was given
in my house I know to give you silent
you're giving me silent treatment we'll
get back to normal I understand that
pathology in you or if I understand that
you know it can even be in a toxic way
if I understand sometimes some people
swear at each other then you get back
together we understand each other's
norms and values what arranged marriages
do is two parents will choose parents
who are similar to them so what will
happen is they have children who have
been raised SE relatively similar so
those two people when they get together
tend to have shared norms and values so
there's an element of unspoken
understanding that doesn't exist when
two people in the real world just
meeting each other randomly especially
now that we have dating apps and I can
meet a man in Colombia and a Colombian
man can meet a woman in Ghana it's so
different so we're only going to end up
attaching on egotistical desires either
because we like each other the way each
other's looks or we might get on with
the same music or might have the same
taste in movies but our actual
upbringings are very difficult and
different and norms and values are very
different so that's why I think I can
understand the logic behind arranged
marriages more now than ever before now
would you actually like would you like
your parents to arrange your marriage I
always rebelled against it but now I
wish I listened really yeah sometimes
I'm now like oh maybe I should have
listened um only because there was an
element of you just assume you're losing
your autonomy but what you're actually
doing is you're um trusting the process
a little bit more so I think I I could
have probably made it work more if I was
when I was younger but at the time
because I felt so controlled in other
areas of my life this is the one area
where they gave me some leeway so I was
like you're not controlling that part
but had they been more lenient in other
areas I probably would have let allow
them more insight into the partner I
choose that's interesting are you
married no no so it's not too late it's
not too late but I am committed oh so
you're in a relationship got to got now
how does he feel about you saying I
maybe I should have I think he I think
the thing is because I'm so traditional
at heart he understands where this comes
from obviously he like we're lucky that
we have the same norms and values which
is where we really we got lucky um but
because I have a very traditional
mindset and I don't know how or why I
grew up in London I grew up in an
entirely English school I didn't have
any Muslim or uh Pakistani friends but
for some reason I I kind of found myself
orientated towards a traditional value
system and I really don't know where it
came from but I just internalized those
Traditional Values from a really young
age and so now I can always see things
from the lens of tradition rather than
in the lens of modernism and I don't
know why it's interesting were you
traditional as I assume the Traditional
Values came from your family and
religion do you know what it was I
naturally got attached to God from quite
a young age I don't know what it was I
started to feel like I couldn't trust
people so I started putting trust in God
and I think think what happens then
through life I ended up looking at life
through the lens of religion and if it
was acceptable by religion then I
probably would question it less but if
it was going against religion I would
start questioning the what's going on in
society and that led me to kind of have
forming my own opinion so I'd question
things more particularly because
everything I was around was against what
I was being told told by God so I'd end
up questioning it questioning it and I
found my own kind of Rhythm with
psychology
very interesting okay so I want to
understand is you're taking on these
Traditional Values you're somebody who's
very aware of the soup of life that
you're in yeah uh for people that know
your content they've seen you talk a lot
about you you are of the culture like
you're from Dubai not from Dubai but you
live in Dubai now when you talk about
modern dating you're talking about it
from that perspective this is what it's
like this is what I see you coach in
this area so you definitely get the
space I would assume that's something
you've always been good at so I'm
curious as you were growing up you're
weighing sort of okay religion is
telling me this I see people doing the
opposite of that yeah were you looking
at that and going ah it doesn't seem to
make them happy was that the thing that
you checked it against I think so I
think what happened is I had a choice
especially now like living abroad away
from you know the prying eyes of parents
or anything I had a choice I could
either live my life accordance to the
rules of God or I could be like screw
that I'm doing the exact opposite of
what I've been told by God which is what
a lot of religious people do when they
finally find Freedom but when I looked
at doing the opposite of what God
prescribed I found that it looked like
Mayhem so for example I'm not allowed to
drink the opposite would be to get
really drunk but when I would see people
doing that it didn't look like something
I would enjoy uh or I'm not allowed to
have like sex and all this stuff and
Casual when I looked at people who were
in joining in that I saw the negative
consequences of children like and then
having the abortion debate and all these
things and I just thought doing the
opposite doesn't look healthy
psychologically so I ended up going more
towards a tradition while staying very
alert and aware of what was going on in
the real world because all my friends do
indulge and I'm not judgmental so I
ended up being really good friends with
people who do but I just realized it
wasn't good for me personally oo M do
you really think it's just you
personally or do you not think it's
pretty Universal I would say it's
Universal but I don't want to like you
know put put my views on there but for
for me I just feel no rule and I know
it's like a lot of people find My
Religion misogynistic and they find it
really negative but there was no rule
when I look at the opposite did I think
the opposite is better for example we
might have as women have to cover I know
I don't but you know we're supposed to
cover when I look at what the opposite
looks like the opposite might be like
pornography women only fans that the
opposite doesn't look healthy to me I'm
sure there's a good middle ground but
when we live in quite a polarizing kind
of universe I know which side I'd rather
be on and so that's what made me always
every time I see the opposite and
because I live in a world now because of
technology I can literally see what the
opposite of religion looks like it looks
like only fans it looks like you know uh
like lots of sexual priscu it looks like
getting drunk a lot I just thought the
opposite doesn't make sense to me so
means that the restrictions actually
might be healthy for me personally it's
interesting so do you drink alcohol I do
occasionally but not very often uh it
makes me feel like I'm suppressing the
urge to dance on a table which is
wonderful and I love that feeling the
reason I don't do it is
entirely because it's brutal on the body
right and so I don't like the way it
makes me feel the next day and uh I
worry that it shortens my lifespan but
if it didn't like if it didn't make me
feel bad I would have no problem doing
it on the weekends and having fun I'm a
discipline goal oriented person so I'd
never do it during the week that's a
whole different thing right so I want to
go back to religion so I am uh I grow
increasingly fascinated by the role of
religion why it lasted as long as it did
why it seemed to dip for a while and
seems to be coming back yeah my
hypothesis goes like this I think it's
something
like religion was humans are a
storytelling species that's what we do
we we are all about simplifying the
world turning it into a meme that can be
passed on and religion is the ultimate
meme spreader right and so when
something works and um you're Islamic
yeah okay so to use a law that you guys
put in place um don't eat pork yeah now
my gut instinct is that the reason that
became true is because of um is it Tri
is I think is the the thing if you
undercook pork and so you don't
necessarily I mean you don't have the
the scientific data to back up but you
know something's wrong yeah and so
you're like Ah that's not a great idea
and in an in trying to explain it to
people it ends up becoming a part of a
oral tradition at first of course and
then ultimately gets written down and
that becomes the word of God and so it
is it is a very useful tactic whether on
purpose or on accident I don't know you
know how this ends up forming but it is
a very useful thing to put it in the
mouth of God and say God says don't do
this thing to like legitimize it yeah
exactly so don't have kids out of
wedlock why because you they are less
likely to survive right so I think
religion ultimately is basically the the
ultimate way to get a very good idea to
cross over time and that if one were to
write the Bible
today it would say things like don't do
an only fans
account you know make sure that you have
values as you go into your marriage like
whatever the things are that are going
to lead to human flourishing in that
moment and the reason that these ideas
stay and cross through so much time is
because they're so useful right and
that's where this gets really intriguing
to me for people now so going back to
shared narratives yeah religion gave
people shared narratives they made they
made it easier to make the right choices
because you didn't have to reinvent the
wheel so so prescribed for you exactly I
think a lot about culture Stacks meaning
I don't have to ReDiscover electricity
I'm born into a world that has
electricity I don't have to ReDiscover
the printing press or the wheel and as
we invent things like the printing press
and the internet now all of a sudden
ideas can travel fast right my growing
concern is that there's too much
velocity of information now we'll set
that aside but religion was sort of that
initial way to get these ideas to um for
the smart ideas in culture to be easily
transmissible to the Next Generation so
that they could stand on the shoulder of
giants okay um so to make them concise
and clear so people know what they're
doing don't have to think exactly yeah
just you follow the word of God and
things are going to be better but now if
you had to abstract
the values that people should be imbuing
as they come into a
relationship instead
of necessarily saying because God said
so if you had to distill it to the
values that just make humans Thrive yeah
what values are those it would be um is
my behavior going to lead to a
longlasting stable connection between
the two of us now if we always you think
that's better so longlasting
relationships longlasting relationship
why is that um because I think what
happens with long-lasting firstly
they're more likely to create a shared
meaning and purpose um also what happens
is you you end up knowing that you start
to learn to reject things if I know I'm
going to stay with you forever what will
happen is I reject maybe you know going
to clubs every night because I know who
I'm going to be home with I reject
dating multiple people at the same time
I reject sleeping around because I know
where I'm ending up but why are those
good things um what I would say is the
plethora of options reduces our
satisfaction in anything anyway so the
idea what monogamy does is it allows you
to focus it doesn't mean good or bad but
what I mean by this is if I'm only
dating you and it's just you at least in
that two three months where I'm just
focusing on you I either learn that
you're the love of my life or I learn
that you're terrible for me and I should
never speak to you again but if I dilute
my experience with you by also talking
to Tom Dick and Harry what will happen
is I'm wasting energy not realizing that
you might be really bad for me but I
haven't noticed because I'm also seeing
Tom Di and hurry oh you might be amazing
for me again I haven't noticed so the
reality is it creates internal chaos
whereas internal consistency will allow
us to know what's good and bad for us
and then remove ourselves or enjoy
ourselves in what it is but
unfortunately diluting the experience
means that we end up being chaotic and
we lose the ability to create an
identity because we're almost spreading
ourselves too thinly so I think monogamy
is a great way it's a shortcut it will
either tell you we're going to work out
or it tell you we're never going to work
out but at least I know through conf ing
myself to that space okay so limit your
options is limiting your options is a
necessary thing for happiness I I would
say not necessarily limiting but
rejecting Alternatives in order to like
understand the difference um well
limiting your options would be like you
don't even um pay attention to what the
alternative could be and you just stick
to one what you know rejecting the
Alternatives is knowing what you have
knowing what the alternative would look
like and having the strength to say I
don't want to okay but how can you know
the alternative you talked about in the
beginning we just see too many people
yeah and that back in the day it was
easier because you didn't see as many
people and you were pretty but you were
just pretty in your hometown you were
going to marry somebody in your hometown
yeah so if too many people as part of
the problem set yeah it doesn't seem
like awareness of all the options is
necessary for thriving no because it
creates an illusion of options what will
happen is just like if you were to open
a Tinder account luckily you probably
never had to do any online dating right
very fortunate you are incredibly
fortunate but what it looks like is you
go in there and you're overwhelmed so
what would happen is a person would go
on there and any single person can be
easily replaced by the next swipe and
the next swipe but so you end up
applying minimal investment to each
person everybody becomes disposable and
then by the end of it you don't want to
spend time with any of them because
they've all just replaced each other um
whereas minimal kind of exposure means
that I have the time and social battery
and energy to invest in each person and
then figure out who's right for me but
when I'm just swiping and there's
millions of options I don't actually
realize what's good or bad for me you
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today so I still want to say it sounds
like you're saying that you do want to
limit your options but that doesn't feel
right to you why doesn't saying limiting
options maybe I am saying it incorrectly
because I think when people hear
limiting the options they think settling
they do yeah and they but is that not
part of what you're saying you're saying
arranged marriage makes sense yeah I do
think do you know what it is what they
see as settling um they they see as with
a negative connotation yeah they see
settling they right um no because
settling doesn't mean that you are
compromising on what you truly want it's
just that you're recognizing what you
truly want so settling implies that
you're not happy with what you've got
what I'm suggesting is you're so happy
with what you got that you reject the
Alternatives and you only become so
happy with what you got through being
able to reject the alternativ
interesting so one I think arranged
marriages are a terrible idea but yeah
uh I don't know that this is true but
I've heard something about divorce rates
being lower in a Range yeah they're the
lowest all right that's true yeah that's
true yeah this is one of those times
Axel pull that up I want to know if
that's really true if divorce rates in
arranged marriages really are lower then
should there is something okay the
divorce rate for arranged marriages is
estimated at 4% while the divorce rate
where people choose their Partners is
estimated to be close to
40% I don't know that I believe have a
look at their divorce rates in somewhere
like India or somewhere where like the
arranged marriages are prominent but I
promise you it's lower but that could
also I want to preface that that could
also be because there's a stigma
Associated to divorce in cultures which
practice arranged marriages so it could
be a could be mitigated by that but on
the whole I would like to think that
from what I remember uh arranged
marriages have the lowest levels of
divorce because people who engage in
arranged marriages don't do it with the
purpose of assuming that love is the
glue that keeps you together forever
okay so love isn't the glue that keeps
us together whereas when you go into
marri the glue well I I would say it's
different for most people but the I
would imagine the most people what I
would imagine is the glue is a duty to
one another's well-being and the
function of the marriage I would imagine
that the glue that keeps a relationship
together is even though we might have a
rough year a rough five years a rough 10
years even but your well-being matters
to me and my well-being matters to you
and so therefore making sure that we
engage in a lifelong purpose of
maintaining that and the dud that we
created to towards one another when we
made our vows is more important than how
we're feeling right now it's a bit like
if you signed you know a 10-year
contract with a basketball team if
you're a basketball player you might
hate it some months you might love it
some seasons whatever it is but you're
committed to the purpose and the duty
that the contract
suggested this is very interesting okay
so a d to well why do you disagree with
arranged marriage sorry to interrupt you
but why do why do you disagree with
arranged marriages okay so you and I
share a lot of values if we were to lay
out what values we think people need to
have in order to have a successful
marriage I actually would be very
surprised if they are at all different
yeah I rebel against Authority so
violently you can't imagine one of my
primary values is autonomy so I cannot
live in a world where somebody gets to
tell me who to love I need to to be free
to be a and and it is UN for me it
is
authoritarian to um oppose something
like that top down okay did you um did
you rebel against your parents Authority
when you were younger what was it about
the way that they relayed orders to you
that you didn't like they wanted me to
do something I didn't want to do my
parents were incredibly loving I have no
beef if you watched me you would have
thought I was uh brat you wouldn't have
thought oh his parents are really mean
or anything
deril the tribe needs some people like
me they need some people like you my
wife like they need all of it um I just
had a conversation yesterday with Gad
sad and he was saying oh maybe I
shouldn't be this way and I was like
actually I think it's good that the
tribe has your style of communication
which can be very aggressive very
satirical but it's
that we have that perspective so I don't
think as a tribe we want uniformity we
want the only way to truly narrow in on
what is true is to get a bunch of
different perspectives make sure
everybody can speak up so uh I think
it's probably good that the tribe has
people like me that just cannot deal
with authority yeah um but that's why I
don't like arranged marriages it doesn't
necessarily mean that arranged marriages
won't yield more human flourishing and
so if if I had time to really review the
data I may walk away going hey guys look
I wouldn't want to do it uh but the data
is in and arranged marriages just work
better yeah usually from a psychological
perspective people who reject Authority
um growing up they didn't trust their
parents Authority either because they
didn't have the same values or because
they didn't like the method in which
they relayed it so they end up losing
trust for their parents Authority and
then that just extends through life they
just whereas people who really trust and
respect their parents Authority end up
accepting Authority later on in life do
you think we're blank slates um no no I
don't think so I think a lot of it is
blank slates but I do think we have a
natural percentage I would say that we
are 30% genetics and 70% environment
interesting what would you say 50/50 is
what science B science say yeah but I
would say that your environment is
pretty much everything I personally
think that my personaly wait wait wait
did you just say your environment is
pretty much everything um well it's more
so than your temperament because I
believe that personally the traits I
hold if I wasn't a woman and if I wasn't
raised in the right environment if I
didn't have the parents I did I would
very much be a criminal personality it's
very criminal I'm fearless I'm shocked
by that yeah I'm absolutely Fearless I
have no fear why would that lead you to
criminality because if I was growing up
in an environment where money was scarce
and poverty was real and role models
were criminal I definitely would indulge
in it I don't have a fear of I don't
have a fear repercussions and there so
such a strange thing for somebody who
believes in God but I naturally do not
have a fear like I believe in God but I
don't have a fear of repercussions so
naturally if I see a police officer and
if they annoy me I'll say what I need to
say now if I was a man with that
mentality and if I was somebody who was
struggling for money with that
personality there's no way I'd still be
on the streets I'd be in prison or at
least
rehab that's really fasc I'm shocked by
that okay so going back to arrang
marriage the value set yeah okay so we
understand why I don't like arranged
marriage but at the same time human
flourishing is my North Star and I don't
think there's anything in life that will
give you more um of the things that I
would ballpark to human flourishing than
a healthy romantic
partnership which that word's very
important to me for people dealing with
the modern dating world I will just say
do not see your significant other as an
adversary you need to be looking for a
partner yeah um so life has me there's a
reason I've been married for 21 years
life has taught me that it's worth the
investment but the I actually find so I
think you're picking up on my reaction
as if I don't agree with you no I know
because I've seen you in interviews
before you challenged the people that
you still kind of un fundamentally agree
with you just want to make sure you
understood them correctly correct so
Duty also I um I think people are going
to have a hard time with some of the
words you're using uh but what I like
about you is you're un afraid to take
your stance uh so duty to one another's
well-being and I will say when I got
married I tattooed four words on my arm
as a reminder to me what this was all
about to to make it work well yeah uh
and they were love passion commitment
and respect and commitment was I I was
very aware that men are valued for their
ability to acquire resources and women
are valued for their beauty and so like
ooh as my value goes up in a traditional
sense my wife's will go down in a
traditional sense and there's a whole
another thing to life though which is
sharing a life with somebody right now
in in that very small set of words hides
a lot um but I wanted Lisa to know you
never have to worry about me trading you
in for an upgraded model right the
reason you don't have to worry about me
trading you in for an upgraded model is
not because I think you're the most
beautiful in the world I don't think
you're the most beautiful woman in the
world today I'm not going to think
you're the most beautiful woman in the
world when you're 90 so I want you to
understand I'm committed to you yeah
because you make my life better and I
want to share this life with you and I'm
not the best looking guy in the world
and I'm not going to be the richest guy
in the world I certainly wasn't the
richest guy when we met I will tell you
that so um that was important to me that
we both focus on that idea that we have
a duty to one another's wellbeing and
like as somebody that hates Authority
yeah I get why people don't want to
submit to that all right forgive me yeah
but the other day I was talking to
somebody about I'm not religious yeah
but I want something to kneel before
right and well that's a that's a really
interesting desire to have for somebody
who's not religious I think every human
being has that yeah and I think that
people don't acknowledge that and this
is part of how people spiral out of
control because we don't have shared
narratives anymore so understand how to
navigate life uh thankfully I read a
book called The Power of myth by Joseph
Campbell I highly recommend it okay uh
and so I realized ah yeah I do want to
kneel before something and one of the
things that I kneel before is my
marriage not my wife my marriage I love
that and so that idea of each of us are
going to kneel before this thing that is
greater than either of us individually
and we're going to protect it
fiercely um because we have a duty to
one another's well-being why not because
God told us to but because that's what
leads to human flourishing which is why
I think people say God tells you to yeah
I mean the thing is I think you're very
true everybody has a need and I think
it's an an evolved need we all have a
need to worship now the problem is
because we've got no sense of God
anymore we've replaced the need to
worship with either we're going to
worship celebrities or we're going to
worship like influences or we're going
to start worshiping ourselves and our
own egotistical desire so that's why I
think it's always good to submit to
something I personally submit to God but
it could also be your marriage it could
be also your parents for some people it
could be whatever it is but having
nothing to submit to means that you will
definitely submit to your own desires do
you think people need to be very careful
what they choose to submit to I think
yeah they do they they definitely need
to be very careful because the thing is
whether we like it or not we submit to
the law the systems of the law and the
laws that we live in now as we even in
our short period of being alive we've
seen the laws change drastically now the
reason why I don't recommend submitting
completely to a culture or Society or
the norms and values of a culture is
they're so changing so rapidly so it
leads to a fragile identity whereas what
I like about religion is it creates a
stable identity throughout the years
you'll never have to say what does God
think about this you know whereas the
laws and system what could have been
seen as offensive now would have been
seen as normal practice 20 years ago I
just wonder what that does to people's
identity knowing that what they once
believed in now is the worst thing on
the planet and then it might be cool
again and then it might be I don't know
if it creates an internal dialogue that
is steady so that's why I why I
recommend it now you migrated from
submit to Neil or sorry from Neil to
submit and so do you I see a pretty
radical difference between those what do
you see as a difference uh so I submit
to the law but I don't kneel before the
law and if the law were to get deranged
which I have extreme fears about right
now yeah uh I
would oppose it right whereas my
marriage uh there are ways that it could
become dysfunctional to the point where
I would exit my marriage so I'm not
somebody who thinks no matter what yeah
um but I I when I say that I kneel
before my marriage it is entirely my
responsibility to make sure that it does
not devolve to that okay so taking it
back to the law um I kneel before
the
ideals that oh God before I make this
statement I I was going to say I kneel
before the ideals the ideals that this
country was founded on yeah I'd need to
educate myself more deeply on that I
kneel before the ideals I think this
country was founded upon that's probably
uh the more I don't I'm afraid but I'm
sure there's something offensive in the
is there in the I don't know don't um
but anyway I draw a distinction between
the law and the ideals that should be
aimed at human thriving I I I get what
you mean by the difference between
kneeling and submitting one sounds more
voluntary the other one sounds like it
is what it is like it's more involuntary
so I understand what you probably mean
when you say kneeling and submitting
they're not synonymous yeah I get what
you mean okay so going back to the
values that make a relationship work um
so the four things that I I think
originally I was going to get like nine
tattooed and the tattoo artist was like
the writing will be too small so it was
an interesting exercise to force me to
boil it down to those four um if you had
to give people three to five things
values like super succinct that are
going to allow them to have that
longevity yeah what would those be I
would say the first is honesty even if
it hurts and the reason why I think
honestly is such an important one is it
even when it's something like my partner
says s you've gained weight yeah as much
as I might not like that or you know
your makeup doesn't look nice as much as
I don't like that what it does is it
redirects me into a way that will keep
us connected one of the reasons why so
many people end up having Affairs is
they have this kind of unmet need but a
fear of telling the truth to their
partner because their partner is so
fragile and easily offended so there
might be a a man that feels like his
wife has let go and doesn't want to tell
her but then will Outsource sexual
desire elsewhere it might be a woman
that feels like a man is not you know um
aggressive enough physically when
they're making love and whatever so she
ends up never saying it to him and then
Outsourcing it elsewhere um so I would
say honesty is important but honesty
without brutality what happens is people
who suppress it is that they don't say
the truth but when they get into a fight
they say the truth but with Venom they
say this is why you're so this is
why they say it negatively so you want
honesty without brutality honesty with
whilst you're on a good terms rather
than just doing a fight so I'd say
honesty is a really important one about
what your needs are uh another thing is
being not doing anything behind your
partner's back that you wouldn't do in
front of their face and there's a what I
mean by that is even if that means you
can we call that Integrity yeah I would
say so Integrity because even if let's
say for example uh he's texting a girl
or I'm texting a boy if that's something
I would do in front of him say I'm just
messaging this person I'm just talking
to this person there's nothing wrong
with that but where you would do it the
same behind their back as you would in
front of them that Integrity is really
important you don't become a different
person when they leave because the
people who do that end up having two
parallel lives they live completely
different lives and I think it all kind
of boils down to honesty really I would
say if anything I would just say honesty
is a really important one because it
enables all the other features of a good
connection to thrive if I'm honest with
you about what I like in terms of
emotional intimacy we create emotional
intimacy if I'm honest what I like in
terms of physical intimacy we create
that if I'm honest about what makes me
less attractive to you we create
attraction so I just say that honesty is
a really important one would would you
add anything else to that one so we've
got honesty Integrity yeah for so mine
are the four that I have tattooed on
myself what does respect look like to
you because I know that something that
men always talk a lot about but in
literal terms what would respect look
like from a a man's perspective so
respect is is uh one of the reasons I
chose that is a lot of things go into
that so for me being honest with
somebody is you respect ifying to you I
am not resp you if I lack Integrity I'm
not resp you um the easiest way for me
to explain respect though would be my
wife went from a traditional housewife
and I loved it because she took care of
everything it was amazing in fact at
some point we should talk about what it
was like for the two of us to research
and interview you on the same day cuz it
it was like had us asking each other
questions yeah which is really actually
really fun I really wish more people
would do things like that they should
watch your episodes and then talk to
each other um
so that is when you have the respect of
um I know who my wife wants to become
because she wanted to go from housewife
to entrepreneur right and it that was
deeply uncomfortable for me and I had to
mourn the loss of my traditional wife M
but I needed to respect that she wanted
to become something else and so the
thing that occurred to me as we were
going through this was I believe I mean
going back you really put great words
around it that I have a duty to my
wife's well-being yeah and so I the
words that kept occurring to me were I
want you to be the best version of
yourself and so I would never want to
stop you from becoming who you want to
be right and so she was very graceful
and letting me mourn that I was losing
something yeah and then I showed her the
respect
to help her not only um give her the
space but to help her become the person
that she wants to become and and not
just be a cheer leader but literally be
a Savage in the fight for what she wants
um so there's a lot that goes into that
what did you miss about her going from
traditional housewife to successful
entrepreneur man we're this
this is a because she mentioned today
that she was watching one of my videos
and me I talk a lot about how men um I
know it sounds so ridiculous but they
just love a meal from their wife it
doesn't even have to be homecooked just
her plating it or her knowing what he
likes do you get why that matters to
guys I don't know if that's an
evolutionary thing if it's something
that's in them um and but I also think
that because they're not so verbal acts
of service means a lot to them because
they don't know how to express their
needs sometimes so somebody
understanding their needs and predicting
them before very different but that's
why for me now this is one where I'm not
confident enough that this is universal
explain to me um the having somebody and
having somebody understand me so well
yeah that they can anticipate my needs
and that I'm so important to them that
they want to make that need go away
before um I have to deal with it yeah
but there's a reason for that now this
there's a lot of tension around what I'm
about to say between my wife and I yeah
this is is so fascinating to me because
this is I think my wife's fundamental
misunderstanding of the nature of a man
right and I I am a Savage for my wife
yeah everything I do I do for my wife
yeah I work as hard as I work for my
wife yeah now here's the problem my wife
wishes I wouldn't work that hard yeah
what do you do with that so now my wife
is crying out for me please work less
you say you do this for me but I need
you to work less and what I'm saying to
her is I need to be appreciated for how
hard I'm working which is what you show
me when you recognize my needs and make
them go away I then feel like being a
Savage for you is being rewarded it's
being acknowledged it's being
appreciated appreciation is the right
word and ladies I'm telling you right
now if you appreciate your man and make
him feel powerful that's it it's a rap
nothing like which is why I always say
that successful men have it the hardest
I'm not talking about you I think praise
be to God you have a very beautiful
marriage but um generally speaking
successful men I find have the hardest
time when it comes to being married and
it's because they create a life that it
almost enables a lazy woman yeah I mean
that hasn't happened for you she's a
absolute you know Legend in her field
but the majority of very successful CEOs
happen to have wives who then have
nannies Cooks chefs so on and so forth
and what happens is that she doesn't
have to rely on any instinct to predict
her partner's needs because it's all
taken care of it's all kind of uh
outsourced but he still craves female
attention he craves his wife loving him
he craves his wife saying oh baby your
shirt is ironed or uh baby um your lunch
is packed I I I bought those stupid
crisps that you love it seems so small
and effortless yet he doesn't get that
whilst he's building an empire to help
create a life that she loves she sees it
as childish to to do that for him and we
label what a man needs as childish you
can do it yourself but we can do it
ourselves we can pay our own bills now
but we still love it when a man does it
so I think that's where I say the
narcissism is coming through feminism
has taught women that catering and
appreciating and showing love for your
man is babying him and he should be a
grown-up and he should do it himself but
then what is the how how else does he
feel loved how else is he going to get
it the only other way to get it is
sexually and then that is replace able
any girl can have sex with you but how
many girls will know what you want in
your sandwich and if that's not your
wife then who's it going to be so they
start to Outsource affection and they
end up they end up majority of the times
with gold diggers and they end up with
escorts who they fall in love with I've
met so many successful intelligent men
fall absolutely head over heels in love
with escorts because you've got to
remember the market of an escort or a
webcam she deals with men with low
self-esteem every day every single day
so she knows all she you has to do is
take an interest in him for five minutes
and he's putty in your hands so she will
say oh I got you a jam sandwich I know
you love it and he will be like I'm in
love she knows what she's doing so they
end up falling into such a bad pattern
because they're so starved of
appreciation so that's why I try and
encourage women to prevent them going
down that
route I think that's very wise and it is
hilarious to me how easy it is to
manipulate men have you seen any side of
that with working with successful men do
you ever see or do they not kind of tell
each other what they do on the side yeah
guys are not going to be open about that
kind of thing like what makes you putty
in somebody's hands I mean you can sort
of pick it up with some guys but um no
you don't see it as much maybe because I
live in Dubai so I see the average 70
60y old man walking around with a 24
year old you know model and then you see
what's happened like you see how he's
got there but what would have happened
is years of feeling neglected or
rejected now somebody just makes them
feel alive although it's transactional
they're willing to pay that cost just to
get that feeling right yeah I mean it's
it is utterly fascinating like people
really need to understand men and women
this is one of the things that I found
very interesting about you and I have a
feeling that there's going to be uh a
lot of
um response I don't know what the right
word is rebound effect from how hard
like whatever fourth wave feminism has
gone yeah
uh and then the other side where women
go oh wait to get a man and to keep him
happy these are all the things that I
have to do and because I think there's
so much evolutionary pressure at our
backs to deliver in that way I think and
look everything is a cycle and so um if
we go now into a sort of deeply
traditional part of the cycle um
there'll be a rebound against that later
down the road and this stuff will just
cyle you think that's where the red pill
came in is they found a space from that
no the red pill I think is a response to
the velocity of
information uh people feeling very
rejected the algorithm starting to feed
you somebody who's like you know
these women uh this is a truth look how
they man