Kind: captions
Language: en
if you want to get a woman and hypergamy
is true now what she shouldn't have big
body count why is it an ego thing are
you worried that they've seen so many
penises that they're going to judge
yours and think it's small the strategy
you're running is extremely dangerous
this sounds like [ __ ] this sounds
like
PR what would a guy have to do to be
irresistible to a woman somebody that is
driven and ambitious but they don't need
money attached to it but I am not not
interested personally there's zero
judgment I'm not interested in someone
that wants to sit on a couch and watch
TV all day smoke weed get drunk and then
not do anything that isn't interesting
to me so that isn't the person that I
would look for but ambition Drive is
sexy as hell so if I find it sexy as
hell I don't need the money that comes
with it but the fact that you're driven
the fact that you really want to
accomplish something is attractive to me
so I would look for that now you're
probably going to go to height which I
know is something that you talk about of
like women care about height I'm 5' one
so it hasn't really been much of a
problem for me but I absolutely love
that you're tall now this is zero
judgment on guys that are shorter and
what I mean by that is it's not that
isn't the only thing that is attractive
right if you were tall and all your
other attributes really freaking sucks
and there was a guy that was a 5' one
and he had all these other attributes I
would go for the 5 foot one guy just to
be very clear but I'm attracted to the
fact that you're tall because I do love
it when you wrap your arms around me and
if my feet hurt you carry me on your
back um the amount of times I falling
asleep on in the car on the way back
from a club you carry me into bed I love
chivalry I love that you're a powerful
strong man that doesn't make me weaker
and this message that is going out there
where it has to be one or the other I
think is [ __ ] and I think that as a
woman I can be damn powerful I can be
confident I can't be pushed around I can
set strong boundaries I can stand up for
myself and at the same time I can
absolutely say I want you to lead this
family I love seeing you sit at the head
of the table I love it when you carry me
I love it when you hug me and wrap your
arms around me because I feel safe I
love it that if someone broke in I would
look at you to go and save me all of
that is still true and the message out
there right now is it has to be one or
the other you have to either be a bad
[ __ ] [ __ ] who can take care of
herself I don't need a man or you have
to be the super freaking submissive
woman that never speaks her mind that
doesn't have an Instagram page that
doesn't sleep with other guys like it's
one or the freaking other can I get her
number real fast just in case something
happens to
you I'm kidding yeah I know you are um
so that's how I feel and that's I think
where we're getting so trapped is that
it has to be one or the other and the
truth is it freaking doesn't but you
have to discuss it because it wouldn't
work in our relationship if we never
discussed it and I think that I'm
leading or I think oh no no we both lead
it's equal I don't think that would work
and so I just take the blinders off to
say what's going to work in a relation
you need one leader it's like a company
you can't have two CEOs if you have two
CEOs with the same skill sets one of you
is obsolete period so just like in a
relationship if you're both trying to
follow or dance you don't have both
people leading in a dance you always
have one person leading so knowing all
of that I have zero problem with you
leading I want you to lead so I can hold
going back to something I keep saying I
can hold the two competing ideas and
it's actually not even comp P I'm going
to take that back it actually
compliments and once upon a time I
thought if I wanted to be confident then
that would mean that it would diminish
you if I wanted to stand up for myself
that that would make you less of a man
that if I want to feel powerful that
that's going to make you less powerful
and that's all [ __ ] would you date
somebody working the line at McDonald's
are they ambitious are they driven they
want to take it over they want to own
McDonald's one day and they love it and
they're happy they are miserable but
they're really going hard like they're
they're really working at it you just
said they're miserable I'm not
interested in someone that's just sits
in their
misery okay so he gets ruled out because
he's miserable all right he steps out a
new guy steps in still at McDonald's
though uh he also wants to run
McDonald's he's happy very happy really
lovely guy um he's 48 by the way still
working the front counter but he really
wants to take over one day and he's
super ambitious and he's actually AC
okay he's actively seeking running it
versus sitting there and just saying I
want to run it one day I'm working
really hard but are you actively no I'm
not going to give you that easy discard
he's really trying yeah but he he's
still at the front counter that's fine
so failure after failure after failure
you're still going to date this guy
you're not going to be like something's
wrong with this skill set if I could sit
down with him and be a part of that
conversation of like hey part of my job
is to help you achieve your goals to
uplift you so here's what you're doing
wrong if they're really freaking
defensive that's not interesting so it
all comes to how what would you cuz this
sounds like [ __ ] this sounds like PR
so for real this guy's 48 still working
the front line of McDonald's you're
you're going to be like well he just
needs me let me roll up my sleeves no no
no no you don't see that as like red
flag Central yes I do see that as a red
flag you're right if he was 26 sure but
48 I see it as a red flag because I
would have to go well if he's been this
driven and ambitious for 20 years and he
has a growth mindset and he's always
trying to improve and he's still here
how come so I would just ask the
questions but in and of itself someone
working in McDonald's as a cashier isn't
the problem it's this there's something
underlying right here that I haven't
quite seen yet because if you are
freaking driven and ambitious if you you
do have a growth mindset and you're
willing to push yourself if you're
willing to take off the blies and ask
yourself how what am I doing wrong then
you're not going to be in that
position is my opinion and my thoughts
do you believe in hypergamy the tendency
of women to data cross and up yes okay
so if that is true on average of course
there are going to be um deviations from
that but if on average that is true uh
what do you think happens to someone not
not to you just your success is um
unusual
so for the average career oriented woman
she's making 150 175 like she's really
she's doing a great job uh given that I
mean it's something like in fact uh pull
up the delusion calculator how many uh
men
make uh over
$175,000 I love that it's actually
called female delusion calculator oh my
God it is yeah no th this thing is
amazing I've never seen this before so
uh you can leave it any color shade oh
of course of
course go 20 to 50 20 years old to 50
years old yeah okay okay so that'll just
give us a broader swath of humanity uh
minimum income 175 please minimum height
six that's that's yeah you can lower
that down you said you go all the way to
51 let's get crazy there we go I yes oh
so wait you're about to say that was a
lie no no no I said if you take all of
this if all these what do you want us to
put 53 53 I think that's a lie butol
five five do I hear 5'8 well here's the
thing if you're asking my preference six
fo I freaking love that your well we're
you're putting a minimum filter okay 5'
five my dad's perfect so uh so let's
find out so this is 55 guy any color who
any weight even which is also a lie
almost certainly uh making
$175,000 actually would make a
difference okay so the probability of a
guy US male population ages 4.3% good
Lord even at 20 to 50 what I'm really
driving at is there are just proxies
that people use to filter people out
yeah and one of the proxies is how much
does this person make which is a proxy
for are they smart enough to generate
resources and so depending on your age
we got together young enough you weren't
asking how much I was making but you ran
an assessment and might I say you were
quite accurate on whether I would ever
be successful
uh but just to be very clear for people
at home that may not know when we got
together I had more money than you you
were in college there and my dad was uh
very comfortable CU he' worked so hard
so just as a context I didn't care about
the money even just meeting you doubt
poor you did make me poor I even
collected coupons for the first time
when we got married but it didn't bother
me why because you had all these
important attributes that I care
about but look hypergamy is very real um
again on average cuz I actually have
friends where they make more than their
partners and it's not a problem why
because their Partners actually
extremely ambitious and so even though
they're not they don't make the money as
equal to them they're building
businesses they have visions they work
hard I'm going to go with false on this
one so the stats if I'm not mistaken
andw please pull this up that uh if
somebody's if a man's significant other
makes more money than him he has 50%
more likely to need erectile dysfunction
medication yeah and I understand that
and I if that's the stat that's the stat
and so I'm not saying universally I'm
just saying there are women that I know
that actually do make more money than
guys they their Partners you know them
um and it isn't a problem because
they're still excited they're still
building their business they have a
vision they plan to really build and so
it doesn't ever seem I'm not in their
marriage I'm not in their relationship
so I have no idea what do you read cuz
talking about small handful of women is
not super indicative of the world so
sure anything is possible these are all
distributions and 100% some people will
have no beef with it whatsoever uh I am
of the belief that the statistics will
back me up that the more differential
there is between men and women in a
relationship where the woman is
outperforming on any um comparable
metric if she's having more success in
her arena in her career if she's making
more money if she has more accolades
more whatever that that is likely to
cause a problem in the relationship this
is all tied to my very strong belief
that men need to feel powerful and if
they don't feel powerful you're going to
have a problem now this is all building
towards a question so I just want to set
the table for a whole lot of reasons
that I could um map out I feel very
powerful there are many uh powerful not
just in life but in relationship to you
you look at me like a superhero uh there
are things that you care about that I'm
very good at that you're not that you're
very glad that you can Outsource to me
you are much better than me at certain
things and so one I'm emotionally stable
two I have self-esteem that is
predicated on a very long history of
acting in accordance with my values the
number one thing that I look at is being
efficient towards getting to the thing
that brings human flourishing and so I
wouldn't allow myself to end up in a
death spiral about you being better than
me at one thing but if you were better
than me at everything or you were better
than me at the core thing that I'm
trying to do that would be problematic
uh in fact one of the questions I have
for you did not plan to get to it now
but um when you stepped into being an
entrepreneur uh had you come in and been
like no I want to be the leader I want
to run this I want you to slot him
behind me or even worse God this would
have been worse you were like no I'll
follow you and then you were like oh God
but you're so slow and bad at this and
then surpassed me and put me in a
position where to lead I would have had
to say slow down so I can lead which you
know that I will never say that would
have been devastating and the hardest
thing that we ever went through in our
relationship was that so was you
becoming an entrepreneur that was
already hard so I can't imagine what it
would have been like if you had come in
and eclipsed me in every way and we
didn't have a complimentary skill set
but instead we had the same skill set
and what you said earlier that if you
think the same one of you is Obsolete
and if that the person who was obsolete
had been me that would have been
brutal uh and so what would you have
done in that moment really because this
now is like the question that I wanted
to get to that the whole last segment
was building up towards which is what
should women do that want to find love
maybe even want to have a family but
whether they want a family or not they
want to find love should
they never brighten their light no
you absolutely need to brighten your
light as bright as you can go and the
truth is being the woman I am now with
the confidence and understanding of
myself cuz back then I think I was very
nervous and very scared to tell you
because I was so worried that I would
lose you but now being me it's like I
wouldn't be able to bring myself my
confidence to the table to this
relationship
and dimming your light I've never seen
work I've never seen any ah I did not
say dim your light I said never turn
your light up oh I want to be very clear
should they just stay small because if
you don't go train and you don't go push
yourself you're going to be way easier
for him to surpass so let me just I'll
ask it really bluntly there are two ways
to be the tallest person uh way number
one is to grow yourself and uh way
number two would be to cut somebody else
down there's two ways to be the shortest
person just never grow yourself or be
around somebody who's much taller than
you so you can take out the path but the
question is should they just stay small
or should they get as big as they can
knowing that they'll just have to find
somebody bigger but that pool of people
becomes
0.004% know what your decisions know
what outcomes your decisions are going
to create so it's up to you are you okay
with living a life where you're never
able to grow and
shine and will that erode your
confidence or will that actually
maintain your confidence because
anything that erodes your confidence and
your sense of self I would strongly
advise against it and the truth is even
though it's interesting that you stopped
me and you said ah I didn't say dim out
you're like you said never Shine the
truth is in not being able to shine by
definition because that's where you want
to go and you can build to you will
eventually then have dimmed your light
so if if I've spent the last 5 years
building my confidence going towards the
thing that I'm really excited about
brightening my light in 5 years I would
be brighter be asking me not to get to
that stage so to me actually it's the
same thing you are still asking me to
dim my light and because I did that for
8 years you didn't ask me to that was a
choice that I made and never spoke up
and said that I was unhappy but I've
been there and I wasn't happy now how
the hell do you have a happy successful
healthy relationship when one of you is
profoundly unhappy you can't
and so when we even said I said hey I'm
going to be an entrepreneur or I really
want to go into business I love building
quests with you I want to do this full
time it was very difficult for you your
entire life had to change and you even
said at the time babe what kind of
husband would I be if I put clean
underwear ahead of my wife's
happiness and that is the truth if you
had said I don't want you to do that
that's exactly what you would have done
you would have asked me to put your
needs your um your comfort ahead of me
being the person that I want to be and I
don't judge you for that you need to
live the life and have the relationship
and marriage that actually serves you
but I think at that moment if you had I
don't see personally how we would have
navigated through it because me and you
have navigated through a lot of problems
we hit a war we disagree we fig you know
there's an issue and then we just like
we just have to keep navigating let's
try this let's test this I don't see how
no matter how how much we tested that I
would have been able to
flourish if you had asked me not
to and still be able to bring my best
self to the relationship and that then
leads to me having built a business with
you gone on the trajectory the last 15
years I've built so much of my
competence that's led to me being
confident right I was petrified of ever
going in front of the camera never
wanted to speak on stage like all of
that I never thought I would ever do
and I figured it out I did it I kept
doing it wax on wax off right Karate Kid
I got so good that I became extremely
competent and in my competence I came
extremely confident now what if I hadn't
gotten there the thing that I've we've
said to each other and I said to you was
insecurity isn't sexy and so now if I'm
bringing my insecurity because I don't
feel good about myself all the time to
the relationship that isn't a turn on
for you I know it's not it's not a turn
on to me if you're always insecure about
something and don't do something about
it want people to know that it's that
act of needing to do something about it
versus sitting in the insecurity and not
doing anything about it so if I had
maintained insecure if I didn't build my
confidence if I wasn't able to brighten
my light I wouldn't be the person I am
to bring what I need to the
relationship so in me projecting what I
want in life how I can show up I
wouldn't have said oh okay it's fine I'm
just going to stay at home it wouldn't
have been healthy and I don't think we
would have lasted this
long agreed uh that you're um answering
phenomenally well for the N of one
experiment that is you but what I want
to know is uh hypergamy is real I
believe that it is part of a larger set
of social circumstances that are
completely deranging relationships
between and women um so you've already
put on the table no matter what the
consequence is women should go and
express themselves to the fullest of
their abilities to drink as deeply from
progress in their own life as humanly
possible
um as I set the table with all the
different problems um which I'll get to
after you answer this question I want to
know in what direction do you want them
to grow themselves because they can go
grow and career in which case all the
hypergamous stuff kicks in uh they could
go grow themselves in traditionally what
I'll call traditionally feminine ways
which I'm sure is going to spark some
comments but um going out and like I
want to be the greatest uh kindergarten
teacher of all time and I'm going to
flex and I'm going to raise that next
generation and whether I have my own
kids or not like I want to nurture and I
want to see these kids just go do their
thing but I am going to pour myself into
this um or I'm gonna be a mom and I'm
gonna pour myself into becoming the
greatest Mom and like teaching my kids
about Fitness I'm GNA homeschool them
and I'm going to learn as much as I can
so that I can teach these kids and I'm
going to be the homeschool that all the
other parents bring their kids to and so
I'm going to get to flex my muscle but
because I don't want to trigger all
these hypergamy problems I want to be in
this Lane and I really want to
goam do you feel good about saying hey
ladies remember this is a trade-off and
so here's one way to flex as hard as you
can but to stay in a lane that lets you
play a role or do you think that I'm an
evil Overlord for even framing the
question in that I don't yeah not an
evil Overlord but I don't think there's
a lane that's that's almost what pisses
me off about my own journey is that I
felt like there was a lane I had to
stick to so every example you just gave
in my head I'm like [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] yeah
so it's like going in the crush it in
the business well I'm [ __ ] yeah being
the best kindergarten yeah hell yeah
what's that thing for you now there is
that tradeoff it's important to know
what the knock on effect is with the
decisions you make so if you decide I
want to build my own business I want to
earn $200,000 a year and I want to be so
successful and I don't care whether I'm
single or married cool now at least you
know put it in priority order in fact
and then just know what the outcome is
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knowing that I'm going to be in business
I want to crush it that my pool of guys
is going to get smaller I can at least
look at it with my blinders off and say
yeah okay that is potentially truth if
that is truth what am I going to do
about it it's my decision it's a
trade-off one or the other what am I
willing to trade am I willing to trade
my career or am I willing to trade the
guy or am I willing to trade you know uh
having kids like what is that thing that
you're willing to trade for the the
thing that you get and so I can't tell
people what to do because it has to be
right for them but I can freaking say
that if hypergamy is real which I
actually think it
is now what and but I'm going to pose
the same thing to guys if that's true
now what if you want to get a woman and
hypergamy is true and you know that
women are going out there and they're
being career oriented and they're
getting educated now what
you can sit on the couch and complain
which is your right you can go well [ __ ]
I want to get one of those women so I'm
going to go learn things I'm going to go
build skills so I'm going to earn
$250,000 then you take
action but just sitting there
complaining doesn't serve anyone doesn't
serve the women if you're if women are
sitting there complaining like I can't
believe I can't get a good guy this is
fact now what if guys are complaining I
can't get a good woman because now what
but everyone just wants to sit in the
complaining and that just drives me nuts
and it and I say this with compassion
but it's just like I really want people
to succeed and that's why I'm so blunt
and that's why I'm so blatant because I
really do it breaks my heart to think
about guys out there that have a low
value towards women or a low you know uh
um an ill will towards women as well
like the red pill Community like there's
some vital there's some cruelty there
and it's just like man that doesn't
serve you that doesn't help women that
won't help you that won't help a
relationship if that's what you're
looking for and so really what you're
doing is you're just feeding into that
emotion that then won't get you what you
want and again the same with women so
take the blinders off see what is
actually true and then decide knowing
the truth can you give it to me in a
single sentence how can a man be
irresistible to a woman and I'll if you
want to throw in a like a couple like
one two three cuz I imagine there are
things like uh be clean smell nice uh do
your hair which is so ironic that I now
wear a hat all the time because you
would prefer that I did my hair uh and
it is just laziness but it's efficiency
I'm going to take that back and that's
the thing and I know efficiency is one
of your core values yes so even though I
like that you're when you your
hair I like it but I would never ask you
to not do something that is against your
core value except on a special occas
except on special occasion Fair all
right I don't want to derail you again
so uh single sentence by all means if
you want to throw in a couple lisal
pieces uh but as conis you can give it
to us there are guys on the edge of
their seat they want to know instead of
checking out I can go do these
things and be irresistible for real of
course no one's going to truly be
irresistible but that I'm I'm putting
myself in a good category okay building
your confidence a th% confidence is very
sexy so building your confidence being
authentic in your actions because if a
woman feels a gut instinct that you're
trying to manipulate that again just
being authentic in your actions so uh
confidence being authentic in your
actions
kind
strong physically I think you need to be
stronger than her yes
physically again this is don't back off
I love it women need to feel safe so
that's actually why I said the strong
part because when I went okay what are
the core things that I think women
really look for what does that equate to
for men so if a guy is strong the last
thing you want is for the woman to come
and save you right how in fact how would
that make you feel if a woman and I'm
I'm not on the one sentence I apologize
but um was it FR Fran drer God you're
really going to the darkest possible
place ever yes it was Fran rusher can I
tell the story please I but this is I
want to give almost context to why I say
strong as well like again this is and
this is more of a guy thing so the guy
wants to feel like they they can be the
hero we're going to come back to your
list but so on make her feel strong now
you have a side note about Fran rusher
the most horrifying story of all time
it's it's so upsetting so heartbreaking
but um one day she goes out with her
friend with her husband and a couple
they come home and there's actually
Intruders
um and The Intruders tie the husband up
husbands up and then basically rape
their wives basically yeah in front of
the
husband as a guy in fact why don't you
answer this what would that do to a
guy's psyche it's game over and it was
certainly for her husband they could
never recover because the guy cannot
feel like he can protect a woman y so
that's why I think the safety thing is
very important a woman does want to feel
and I can't imagine like I wouldn't
blame you so like God forbid that
happened I wouldn't look at you and be
like oh my God I Blame You they would
either have been stopped or I would be
dead like those are the two options on
the table I can't say that I can
overpower them but I can say that I can
die trying yeah so knowing what that
would do to your psych so I think women
want to feel safe in order you to feel
safe I would say that a woman wants a
guy ideally that is absolutely stronger
than her that can protect or that is
actually just has a strong mindset that
is willing to [ __ ] fight for the
death because that also is very
attractive
where it's like oh I can take anyone
down and if I can't I'm going to die
trying that's very attractive all right
so confidence authentic kind stronger
than her makes her feel safe those I
think will be the key things full stop I
mean not educated not
funny laughter yeah you yeah it's a good
one you got to make the woman laugh but
here's the thing you don't just want to
be the jokester that doesn't have all
the other things so when I met you you
were funny you like you were a jokester
you were freaking like intellectually we
could have these the types of
discussions and push each other's
thinking and I value that I don't
necessarily know that all women will
value it you were such a like you were
very masculine that I very much loved
and uh very and very drawn to but you
had a sweet kind side that wrote
poetry so you whenever you think about
the things that even I'm saying it's not
just one of those if you're just this
big Burly man that can make a woman feel
safe but you're not kind you're not
funny you actually lack the confidence
it's
not attract that in and of itself isn't
just the thing so it's the combination
of the two so when I was with you you
were a very strong masculine man but you
were kind you were sweet you talk you
told me that you would talk you know you
talk to your mom all the time and you
wrote poetry and so understand like oh
okay you have these different Dynamics
and it's not that you're going to be
this overpowering dominant Force because
you had the kindness that really cared
about how I felt so it's the combination
of all these that make the
cocktail of an attractive man can I
throw out a couple more and you tell me
if you would like to include them you're
great this I think the following ones um
are going to be must for you but I'll be
very interested to see if that's
true okay uh
ambitious for me yes but I don't think
it's for everybody so that's why it's
like if you're talking uni trying to
give Universal yep I don't think
everyone woman cares about ambition in a
guy we're asking a lady but I will just
say from where I'm sitting
gentlemen the lady has spoken I think I
know women universally because I know
women mhm one person in particular that
has a stay-at-home husband and she goes
and works and they've been married for a
long time again I'm not in their
marriage but she loves that he's so
happy and she like she literally
genuinely says all right I've been shot
down but on the side guys I'm telling
you right now uh
driven again I think it I don't think it
goes to so no it's not a must so driven
in money for two well actually is it
actually important to go driven in money
no driven to accomplish goals so
ambition is I want a thing Drive is I'm
going to do whatever it takes to get it
I think the drive if it came to like
they didn't even care about the
family feed yourself figure it out like
this is still just these are I don't
think I don't know I'm saying I don't
think women would like that I think
women would want someone that's driven
to provide for the family in a certain
way so provide I don't necessarily mean
just Financial right it could be provide
like I said as a stay-at-home dad he's
providing something so that I think is
something having a hard time with this
answer uh successful push back I love
like you know first let's lay this all
out and then I'll give you my very
aggressive take and you just cuz look
it's entirely possible that I am so
wrong that this is what men are getting
wrong they all think like me and we're
just driving off a cliff but I'm also
one that is very attracted to ambition
and drive yes I know that's why I'll
give my pitch to the end so but so far
you've killed ambition you've killed
Drive they are not Universal for you
successful in what Define successful um
a worldly
success so they can provide
financially um I don't think that's a oh
God I don't want to
[ __ ] I think to an extent yes a
woman probably would want that so are we
calling that must meet minimum
requirements yeah so even like ambition
and drive I think has minimum
requirements again if you're just the
person that sits on the sofa watches
Netflix and smokes weed all
day I can't think of that as being
attractive in any circumstance so do you
tie that to ambition do you tie that to
drive do you tie that to success it's
all yeah so yes there are bare minimums
then for all of those okay uh can hold
space for female emotions a th% yeah D
hey I'm one of seene earlier that was
part of my being seen okay that's what
we're how we're defining that yeah okay
holding space for me to have
emotions okay well actually in fact the
thing that you and I fight about all the
time you'll get nine words into a
sentence and I'll be like yes I
understand exactly where you're coming
from I can steal man it I'll explain it
as well or better than you and that is
deep unsatisfying for you you're like
causing anxiety right now you hate that
so much and yet I actually can do it but
it doesn't even though I see you in an
avatar way I know exactly what you're
going through you need me to hold space
for you to be in that emotion and even
if it is something that warrants
aggressive and immediate action this
just came up the other
night uh you needed me to hold space
face for a while where it's like no even
though in that conversation you said
this is a fix it conversation I could
tell by your body language and
everything it it was and you very
quickly by normal standards moved on to
yes and now I actually want a thing but
I had to ask for permission to roll my
eyes back in my head like a shark and
pursue it and I start you said yes and I
started to do it and I was like uh oh
it's actually too soon and so it was way
way way way faster than normal but I did
need to hold that space for you you yes
correct and I don't know if you remember
the very first things I said cuz you
asked me a few times the very first time
you asked me I said I just need to have
my emotions and I it was almost like I
know I do want you to fix this cuz that
was the thing it's like I do want you to
fix this and I know that actually that
you are the right person to fix this for
me but right in this moment I just need
the emotion so it was The Duality of
knowing that you had when I came to you
you paused me and said is this one that
you need to be seen or you need to or
you know carry space or do you want me
to fix it and that is fundamentally the
I think one of the biggest issues most
couples have in fact I today as I was
going through what's Tom going to ask me
I was in the doctor's and she's
literally taking my blood and I was
like what is the biggest problem that
women have with men cuz I was like you
know what are the sorts of things that
your audience are going to want to know
and so I turned to this literally the
nurse and she's taking my blood like
what's the one thing she goes he doesn't
just hear me out he's always trying to
fix it I didn't even preempt her so I
was like it is universal so if we know
it's Universal how do we navigate we
both have come up with a strategy in our
relationship where if I do come to
because mostly it's me coming to you in
that moment you stop me because I'll try
to get better in saying I just need to
be heard but if I don't say that when I
first come up to you you stop me and say
well hang on a minute babe is this where
you need space or is this this where you
need me to fix it and being able to
communicate that now allows you I don't
want to shut that part of you off that
really just wants to go and fix it right
it's giving you the opportunity to be
able to say hey you can fix it but it's
also allowing me the moment where it's
like I don't want you to fix it I just
want to feel seen and heard and that
Dynamic has been beautiful we're not
there yet where I just automatically can
say that to you without you having to
ask me but um I think that there's
always ways to navigate things like that
and instead of pitting men and women
against each other oh my God here she
goes again she just wants to be heard or
oh my God here he goes again he just
wants to freaking fix it it's like
instead of complaining find a strategy
and a method that allows you to
communicate in a better moment or in
moments like that better and so yes
women want to feel seen but I do
understand why you say seen and holding
space isn't necessarily one for one
there is nuances there as well agreed
um emotionally strong
and I'll actually change that to
stoic to an extent cuz sometimes you're
too stoic and I've said that to you
where it's like I don't feel like
there's any feeling or emotion radiating
off you just feel like you're a wo and
you're just a robot and you just say the
word that's so sexy keep talking like
that tell me more I feel
seen oh my God you're so funny um but I
don't like that feels like I'm talking
to a shark like you said and so you want
someone that's emotionally stoked so for
instance when I'm emotional I want you
to be able to hold space and be able to
not then get emotional because now if
both of us are emotional it won't like I
almost need that stability but when
you're too stoic and you don't show
emotion I don't feel seen I don't feel
like I can communicate with you and so
I'm always you know trying to find those
words to be like I I need you to show
your feelings right now I need you to
express yourself because I don't feel
like um we're communicating the way that
makes me feel connected to you and the
way that makes me feel connected to you
is to hear how you're feeling now if you
a big ball and mess all the time and you
weren't working to overcome it because
there were going to be moments that of
course you're going to be emotionally
weak and if you just sat in that that
isn't attractive just licking your
wounds over and over and over again but
I assume it's not attractive on the
other side either so as a woman I don't
want to do that and as a man I don't
think that's Heth either so you don't
want someone just staying in their
emotion without actually trying to
navigate it again not saying everyone's
perfect there's going to be a million
reasons that you're going to have to
stay there for a month you know or
you're working on it and you keep
stumbling and you keep going backwards
like I have tremendous compassion and
understanding for all of that but are
you doing something about it so even
with the emotionally stoic there is that
line um and then one more thing there
was an episode in Sex in the City that I
feel so seen when I I told you that's
how I
feel sometimes when I feel hard Dum by
or I feel like unjust or someone's
trying to disrespect me that's where I
get triggered now when you're sitting
there going no it's fine baby it's fine
there's a part of me's like I want you
in all honesty to [ __ ] posture right
now and I want you to defend me and I
want you to have my back and I want you
to feel as I feel right now unjust I
want you to feel freaking unjust now
look that won't serve us if especially
when we run a business but the truth is
in that moment I feel like if you do
that I actually do feel seen now now
we've had to navigate this and there's a
scene in Sex in the City where um Carrie
gets really annoyed about her neighbor
and she gets really annoyed and her
boyfriend Aiden just doesn't un like he
doesn't understand he doesn't see her he
doesn't get where she's coming from and
so over and over again she's really
upset and he just not dismisses her but
doesn't match at or at least show that
he's seen her then eventually it gets to
the point where [ __ ] hits the fan and he
comes in and he's [ __ ] furious and
immediately she goes yes thank you and
what does she do she jumps in his arms
and she kisses
him that's how a woman feels when you
feel unjust and the guy matches you now
I've got two parts of me the emotional
side that I really want this but the act
the actually completely emotionally
sober side of me knows it's not healthy
so going back to the emotional stoic
thing that you said is that I want you
to be emotionally stoic I want you to be
able to be there for me when I don't
have that emotional stoicness in
myself but if you go to robot mode women
won't appreciate it they won't feel seen
and if you don't try and open yourself
up to hearing her and hearing why she
feels like that she won't be able to
feel connected to
you and so that's how I feel about the
emotion historicist so I'm gonna add a
splash of insync emotional instability
is that sound about right yes nice okay
hey at least we know uh
leadership for me yes for women it's
never going to be 100% but I'm talking I
averages so here's the truth again I
almost feel like I always have to caveat
it because I'm saying it for if you
think this is wrong just
say no I actually think women do want
leadership in a guy so what's the
problem because I don't want women to
feel like they can't
lead but I think if people go to their
truth most women do can I make a slight
adjustment that I think will nail it
yeah please uh default leadership with
enough self-awareness to know when his
woman is the right person to lead and he
has no problem being like yeah this
makes sense for you to lead in this boom
absolutely I love it that's a th% true
and there's one thing actually where I
actually wrote this post and I was
saying the things people must ask before
they commit in a relationship and the
very first thing number one is who leads
who
follows and as I wrote I was like oh my
God I'm going to get so much hate people
are really going to [ __ ] hate that I
said this but it's true
and once you realize that that's true
then you can decide do you want to lead
or do you follow but here's the other
cavat if you're female and you want to
lead again I support that but just know
what that actually looks like all the
way to every little thing that you
interact with with them so I interviewed
this woman I don't want to say her name
cuz I don't want to blast her but I
interview this very powerful woman super
freaking strong very successful
beautiful
in probably her mid
40s very career oriented was married
very abusive relationship she left she
built her confidence and now she's on
her own she's telling me about this
boyfriend of hers and he's like 10 years
younger than her and she's like and I
love it I went up to him I chatted him
up in a bar and I'm like again being
fulfill my like [ __ ] yeah if that's what
you want I love it like good on you for
having the confidence to go and do that
and so she's telling me the story about
how she approaches him she you know like
chats him up she he moves in with her
she's the one that has is the bread
winner so she's saying this very
empowering love it great about 40
minutes into the interview we're talking
about something andse she's like yeah
and I can't bloody believe he doesn't
ever like make an effort he doesn't ever
treat me to anything he doesn't um think
about organizing our vacations and so
she's listing all these things that are
absolutely leadership things to do and
so I was like well I've got a question
for you do you think that that becomes
the setup you set the relationship up
for having a dynamic where you lead
there's nothing wrong with that but you
then can't change the direction or that
order without actually then discussing
like hey I know that I was the one that
came on to you I know that I take over
in this relationship as the leader but
actually right now I want you to if you
don't have that discussion why would he
take the lead and so that's also the
other thing that I just want to urge
anyone listen is that once you de side
actually play that out of what it looks
like and then don't just then take
change your pitch it's like people who
say I really want a guy that's a very
successful right like they say again I
want someone like Tom okay but are you
okay with the lifestyle it brings you
kind of come in Full Circle and most
people aren't okay with the actual
reality of what that brings so when it
comes to leadership if you want to lead
and you're a female listening to this
right now I applaud you but just make
sure you have um you've taken the
blinders off and know what that actually
means all the way through all the way
through to the end of the relationship
to maybe hopefully you're with each
other for the rest of your life what
does that look like on your death bed
play that out are you okay with that yes
or no I think that is a damn fine list
in the end is we got some of the more
nuanced stuff are there some paths for a
woman that are better at yielding a an
outcome that will lead her to
fulfillment than others it depends what
you mean by fulfillment like anything
I'm trying to stick with your definition
of fulfillment which you used earlier
which is a little looser than mine uh
but a life that she will be proud of
that is that she'll feel good about
herself when she's by herself and will
be in alignment with the evolutionary
drivers in her brain yeah no there's no
directional uh
difference all paths are equally valid
yes this is part of what I struggle with
because so many people including women
think that there is a better path or a
we should do this and it's changing
right we got
together 23 years ago we've been married
for 21 and we've seen the way the world
is changing we've seen the way that
dating has changing and what people are
saying about online dating and you know
I literally I can sit there with a group
of guys in this company Who I Really
respect and really adore and there's a
couple of guys that I would even say
like I really truly love in this company
and I sit with them and they talk to me
about the problems in the dating world
and what women are doing wrong and they
say to me women Lisa you don't
understand um we go on date and it feels
like they're just using me for my money
and so now I'm less reluctant to pay for
dinner because it just feels like
they're just trying to get a free meal
and these are guys that I know so I know
that they're not trying to scam the
system I know that they're very
authentic in saying that and then I have
a group of my homies my females who are
like Lisa there's no good guys out there
I go on a day and he looks at me to pay
or you know I go on a DAT and he doesn't
even want to pick me up he like wants to
meet me there and like there's all these
things that then I also hear women are
complaining about and there's no right
or wrong it's just these are truths and
knowing these are truths if I've got the
two people saying the same thing I'm
like you guys shouldn't need to date
because you're both complaining about
the same thing the problem is people are
just staying in the complaint and not
actually doing anything about it or
Shifting the way that they think and
that they show up in order to do
something differently so a woman for
instance um one of my good friends we
had this whole discussion and she said
Lisa was going out on this date with a
guy and just like you cuz I am still old
school I believe in Chivalry so she was
like you know I believe in Chivalry too
and so we go in a DAT and the bill comes
and he just looks at me and she was just
honest she's
like I I'm a woman who likes to be you
know treated well on the first date and
I I expect you to pay and his response
was like oh my God thank God he was like
I just went on a day last week and I
went to pay and the woman almost bit my
head off that I was going to pay because
she was saying I can pay for myself so I
do understand the problems guys are
having where they're getting confused on
the messaging that women are giving but
also the women are also getting those
mixed messages where they're like men
are saying that women don't want
chivalry here I am looking for chivalry
and they don't give it to me so it's
like people are speaking different
languages instead of kind of coming
together or just saying what is it the
thing that I want what is it that you
want how can we start to talk in a
healthy manner in order to get to the
goal that we're both looking for which
apparently is from what I hear right
they want healthy loving
relationships so be in my opinion how do
we solve this problem instead of how do
we come at each other with this problem
okay so you said that all paths are
equally valid I would like to um
see if I can get you to reconsider that
stance because you don't believe it I
don't believe it but you walk me through
maybe I'm crazy but let me paint a path
that is some small percentage but it's
it's the path that everyone points at
when they want to have the argument
about the derangement of culture and in
fact I'm going to plant an idea I want
you to start thinking about as I think
through this something is deranging
culture if you agree with me on that I
want to know what like what the essence
of it is but here is a path that I I
think is very um in terms of the
symptoms shows a lot of the symptoms of
a culture that is deranged so uh you get
male style sex in their 20s male style
yeah um one night stands don't get in
your
feels uh I'm just here to Tinder and
then I'm out and uh yeah I've got a high
body count and I've had a lot of fun and
you know what's it to you uh and then
you get um only founds models so they
are recognizing that uh the male gaze is
monetizable and that men are feeling
lonely men want special access to
females in a sexual context that they
can sell that uh there was a woman that
made like 10,000 pounds um I can't
remember her name but selling her
bathwater and some of her um stands I
don't know what else to call them uh
drank the bath water when they got yeah
I mean just like crazy crazy crazy stuff
so uh you also have the sugar baby
phenomenon so um you probably won't know
who these are but there's a show called
Fresh and Fit I think it was sneo Drew
can you back me up on this uh that got a
sex worker pregnant there's a lot of
controversy around whether she was
actually an only fan model or a
prostitute whether he knew and all this
but anyway uh he met her on a sugar baby
site so it's women that are looking to
be quidd proquo maybe you pay a little
bit of my rent Maybe you pay my car
insurance maybe you buy me a car
whatever they come up with different
Arrangements um all of that being not
only a thing because of course there
have always been relationships like this
but that only fans is celebrated like oh
you have an only fans account you're
making how much money like wow that's
amazing uh and certainly you'll get
again small subset I am certainly not
saying that this is common but it's
common enough that it's really the
lightning rod for the culture War around
this that it is so
prominent strikes me as like every alarm
Bell people have should be going off and
when I see sy