Kind: captions
Language: en
everybody may is mental health awareness
month and that is something that we
believe is critically important and we
want everyone watching to know first and
foremost no matter what type of mental
health issues you may be dealing with or
somebody that you know and love may be
dealing with you are not alone whether
it is depression anxiety addiction etc
it is nearly universal that somebody is
themselves or know somebody that is
struggling with this and it is very sad
that it's not something that more people
talk about openly but we've put together
a very special show for you guys today
of just the incredible people that we've
had on the show that have talked openly
about some of their own struggles so
hopefully in watching this you will see
that not only can it be treated but it's
something that you can get to the other
side of and be stronger for so without
further ado check out the show
[Music]
within this context will obviously seek
help is first and foremost yeah but
beyond that what what does that
rebuilding process look like for
somebody who's trapped in depression and
suicidal thoughts yeah I've been there a
lot in my life especially before my car
accident in my teenage years then the
first woman I ever loved we had a big
breakup and that breakup sent me down in
depression and suicide planning and it's
tough to dispense advice to people other
than get help and I'll share why because
that time in my life I had so many
people coming up to me you know my
friends would come into my dorm room I
think let's go do something and you just
they're just the hope is lost and what
people I think makes a mistake of trying
to do is hype people up everything's
gonna be okay you'll be great and what
people need who are suicidal is serious
psychological intervention they need to
seek support and help and outside of
that when they do get that support the
first thing a great therapist is going
to do outside of the emotional
reflection work of why are you here and
what has caused this sort of pattern for
you they're going to get you starting to
get some momentum the most important
thing is when you are super down outside
of finding that emotional reasoning for
where you are is to start getting
momentum because with momentum comes
hope with momentum comes motivation with
momentum comes you know that feeling
that there's a reason for tomorrow and
so it's as simple as just saying okay
what are three things I'm gonna do today
and I don't mean that like a lot of
personal development guys would say like
well your three big goals for the day
are I'm like dude sometimes that first
goal is Shh I'm gonna shower today
I'm really in shower today I'm gonna
walk to the library and come home
and that's all they got like literally
that's all they got
and you gotta honor that struggle when
you're in that place like know that
where you're at it is okay that you're
there and now you're gonna need help and
now you're gonna have to set up some
daily practices just everyday win a
little bit not like when your dreams not
like crushed through goals not like be
badass not like no just momentum man you
know most of the guys I've dealt with in
that position who were suicidal outside
of their therapeutic work I said the
most important thing you can do is win
the morning just win the morning man I
think that's true for all of us even
high performers like I don't have my
morning routine game I feel you know out
of sorts so I think it's true for
everybody you gotta own your morning you
got to win it because that starts and
sets up everything else I know you
believe that as well like people need
that discipline those routines that will
help the rest of their day go better and
I don't want to ever be flippant with
the advice to people who are dealing
with that situation outside of get some
help get some momentum and be okay if
that momentum is really small because it
will build to trust that that momentum
builds and trust those gloomy and bad
dark days trust that those are going to
be there they'll get less and less and
less as you learn how to cope but
they're gonna be there and so when
they're there it's one that might I mean
outside of teaching people to bring the
joy in my life I teach people to honor
the struggle honor the difficulty when
we honor the struggle and said I hate
the struggle we can really achieve
extraordinary things because our mind
sets in the right place it except like
soon as you honor struggle you accept
that oh of course
there should be struggle here I should I
should honor this process when you go to
the gym to work out you like honor that
this is going to be hard and it honor
that process of getting better and the
more that you bring honor to it the more
your psyche builds with strength and you
get a little bit of that esteem back
because you see yourself engaging
something versus avoiding it and running
away you see yourself connecting with
something and giving it reverence yeah
like I have Reb
for the difficulties of life they may be
better so I don't want a friction free
life not interested in you know the the
that I like to say sometimes it you know
the journey to greatness begins the
moment that are you know deep desires
for comfort and ease are overpowered by
our desires to connect and contribute
[Music]
let's talk about mental health in it
features pretty prominently in your book
and then certainly and what you've had
to go through and by the way your
honesty and vulnerability in the book
are amazing and I think that they've
heart I can only imagine and for anybody
that hasn't read the book they really
don't understand what we're talking
about you were really honest like you
did not try to paint yourself as like
hey I'm a stud look at me like it was
such a warts-and-all biography
absolutely love that part of it amazing
and I'm I've got to imagine people reach
out to you routinely to say that thank
you for that and it's yeah I didn't know
how people don't react to it I mean how
all these people that follow me for
Dancing with the Stars that love me and
when the book hit the shelves I was
terrified I was like all these people
are gonna see a side of me that they
have not seen and they're gonna hate me
and it has been a positive response
because I was very open and honest
that's incredible so I can imagine the
kind of audience that you would build
off of Dancing with the Stars sort of
very much like sort of right down the
middle and some of the like behaviors
that you had when you were angry were
like it's sort of the aggressive
[ __ ] you know what I mean so for you
to like put it out there and be like let
me walk you through what I was thinking
so that you understand like I'm not
justifying this I'm just telling you
it's real yeah and it was like God like
I'm so defenseless and which made me
feel super connected to you and to walk
through that but then it got me thinking
like what is that rebuilding process so
you've helped us see your journey but I
was like what would he say like if
somebody came up to that was in this
situation what would he do if it's a
soldier what would he do if somebody's
depressed but they're not a soldier like
having gone through it and having been
so real open and honest
about what that process looks like how
do we and give it to me in two ways how
do we systematically address the problem
and we'll just say of veterans going
through it and then on sort of one-offs
on a one-to-one what does that look like
well I think what needs to happen I
think that we've come a long way with
mental health but we have a long way to
go and what needs to happen where would
you say how far have we come when you
say we've come out we we we acknowledge
it okay we acknowledged and we didn't
use to which I would know I'm because
you look at veterans in the past it was
you know I think in World War two was
called shell shock there's all these
different things but it was not
acknowledged in the way that it is now
but I think it needs to be talked about
more I think the more things are talked
about the more comfortable we are and
the more we can understand them when I
woke up one morning and saw that in a
tweet that Prince Harry came out talking
about his depression it made me really
happy because I've been places and
someone has said well you lost Norman a
leg so you had a right to be depressed
and I stopped him I was like depression
is real you don't you don't have to go
through something traumatic some are
caused by you know something traumatic
some can be a chemical imbalance in the
brain and I feel like if you had heart
problems and saw a cardiologist well
everyone would be concerned about you
would know you're doing better and it
would be open and honest with the crew
anybody you work there yeah but the most
complicated organ in your body if you
have a problem with it suddenly there's
a we don't want to talk about that no
and you can get over it and that's what
people need to realize you can be cured
you can get past it that's what we need
to realize you know the reason I did is
because when I was a my depression I
thought I was alone I didn't open up to
anybody so I thought someone's gonna
read this and it's gonna help them so I
kissed its nervous as I was about the
book I kept thinking that one person's
gonna read it
well now let's open up this dialogue and
I'll go and I'll speaking will do QA and
people want to talk about I gave a
speech in Florida and it was it was an
older crowd there's a mic I don't say it
was they're old and I I speak what's on
my heart and I gave my speech and as I
was closing I kind of mentioned some
depression because I was I was
coming out of the winter months night it
hit me again this past winter and I went
and saw the doctor and so it was on my
mind and it came up and as I was saying
I thought this generation of people
probably aren't connecting to what I'm
saying when I walked off the stage and
they lined up the amount of people that
thanked me for talking about mental
health and here I was I thought they
didn't want any I thought I was stepping
out of line no it needs to be talked
about because it's it's not just this
generation it's people are realizing
more and more that it's an issue and the
more we talk about it the easier it is
for people to be honest with themselves
and get the help they need
even through a decade of depression
where you were oriented an entirely
different way how did you find your way
out of that I was 24 I remember the day
my brain broke I remember the day i
started depression and I would lay in my
bed and just want to die I just I didn't
want to exist I wanted an
anesthesiologist should I come and give
me a shot so like my soul adjust and at
the time I was in a belief system where
there was an afterlife and so that was
impossible you couldn't get you couldn't
be gone you were around forever no
matter what you did and in fact if you
took your life you would you're not
behaving in a way that this belief
system and you know rewards you and so I
was trapped in existence and it was the
worst feeling in the entire world cuz I
had no out but not only that I had kids
if I had it you know like I felt
responsible for being a father and so I
was building brain tree and you know I
had challenges at home with my
significant other and I had kids who are
sleeping I was like myself working 24/7
having companies break and like all the
pressure and it just drove me into the
ground to a point I just I was just
delirious I mean I was I was broke and
so I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro at the
tail end of the situation and I got sick
I got a stomach virus and like three or
four days in and I had the virus through
a couple days plus I was out I was sick
with altitude sickness and I just felt
terrible like the worst I've ever felt
and we got to Basecamp and there were
15,000 something and I had to make a
decision where as gonna climb to the top
the next morning and I thought let's do
it like I'm not gonna back down from
this and so I did it and the four hours
the summit changed my life
where the mountain became my problem and
it became a presentation of my life and
I saw those into M&M my favorite artist
and um his um his defiance against uh
problems anyways I made the top and I
just put down cried and it was like it
was the mountain was my depression it
was my marriage it was my belief system
and um I went home and I was changed I
sold I I sold my company shortly after
Raintree I got a divorce
I left my religion and I was back at my
21 year old age and I said Who am I like
what how do i rewrite myself from
scratch what I care about what matters
what exists what's true what's not true
all how did you rebuild yourself like
what is that process of answering those
questions everything I'm doing now is
the answer
so the Mormonism you know it it still is
the best story I've ever heard a motel
it's like if you obey these rules you
get an unbelievably awesome afterlife
it's just like anything you suppose you
could ever imagine am more in fact we
kind of it imagine it so awesome is
we're told and all you have to do is
obey the rules like super clean I get
that and when I was taken away from me
it's like well okay so if there's not an
afterlife or is there not for life I
don't know what do I do
and that's why infinite games is the
only thing that makes sense to me is I
grew up with this idea that I could
continue to play games forever I want to
play games forever
[Music]
so I have a belief that human potential
is nearly limitless now why do I throw
in nearly limitless I do it partly -
because I'm holding competing ideas in
my head on the one hand I believe human
potential is completely limitless and
then on the other hand I know if I step
off the roof I'm gonna fall and break
something right right so it's like and
how you reconcile those two things it's
it like you did for me that causes
tremendous anxiety really well because I
figure as long as we're young and
healthy and we take care of our physical
hardware we get enough sleep we exercise
we eat well we can more or less take our
our fizzy a lot our physiology for
granted um and you know I've thankfully
I'm very healthy but I have experienced
health scares in my life mostly
self-created you know some something
happened and then I assumed it was the
worst but I can tell you that in the
midst of a panic attack of a true unta
logical terror it doesn't matter if you
think you're dying or if you think
you're going crazy it's the same thing
if you're losing your grip you're losing
your grip even on your own stabilized
identity and I'm working on some videos
on the subject because I think I think
mental health you know depression and
anxiety in this country are chronic in
the world it's one of the most diagnosed
illnesses now in the world like more
than physical illnesses really we have
science we have AK scenes people living
longer healthier but they're [ __ ]
depressed and anxious and and we have
not good systems I think to fill our
holes it's so interesting so one of the
driving forces behind founding the
company was so because people were like
wait why are you changing you know your
mission from quest like this whole new
thing and to me it's not it's not a
different mission so a quest what we're
trying to do is wellness right so now
you can get hyper focus and say what's
the tactic we're using and the tactic
there was to end metabolic disease but
at the end of it at the end of the day
for me and I'm speaking for myself not
for my partners we were you know sort of
focus on very different things but for
me it was there were people in my life
that I loved and they were very unhappy
profoundly unhappy yeah and playing the
no [ __ ] what would it take game I
knew the answer was you know my sister
was clinically depressed to help her she
had to get in better shape because she
you know was in this vicious cycle of
food she had a negative self body image
the only thing that gave her comfort was
food and that gave her a more negative
body image and made her feel like she
had no willpower and all that and so
she's just super destructive so by
giving her food that she could choose
based on taste and I happened to be good
for it got her going in the opposite
direction she started to feel better
look better she was making one simple
choice eat this bar instead of a you
know bag of M&Ms or whatever and so it
got her going helped build confidence
all that it was really really incredible
but it was it was about wellness it was
about 180 my sister happy right so the
the other side of the coin was always
mental happiness and I believe that
we're living through two pandemics right
now pandemic one is the pandemic of the
body it's very easy to see people are
morbidly obese super visible and
somebody dies of diabetes it's crazy
they're literally burning alive from the
inside out it starts to the extremities
they start you know cutting off toes and
foot leg and you know and then you're
gone and so it's so visible
whereas mental illness on the other hand
the pandemic of the mind it's invisible
agreed I mean there's a Sam Harris who
is also brilliant and I've consulted
with on this topic says why are we so
concerned with the story look at the
brain is wired to tell stories so when
you're physically uncomfortable it will
tell a story it will that that
discomfort will inform the story and
give it a negative tinge you know
sometimes I feel anxious and when I
realize I just have to pee and I was not
creating this whole story um and one of
things he said is that you think of
anxiety just as a peculiar sensation
like when you have an itch we have an
itch you you know you scratch it if you
can and if you can't just like let the
sensation pass and he says try to do the
same thing when you're feel anxious you
know mindfulness meditators talk about
that okay just let it come in don't
resist it you can just feel it breathe
through it and if you don't allow it to
like hijack you right it will just pass
like just another sensation dude that's
really interesting so
I'll give you one of my anxiety triggers
yes being cold so anybody that knows me
knows I'm like freaky about being cold I
do not like to be cool the reason I
don't like to be cold is the
physiological response to cold is
exactly the same that I get anyway when
I'm anxious I feel like slightly shivery
like so if I'm super warm but anxious
I'll feel that same sense of be every
yeah so getting cold makes me feel like
I'm really anxious about something
something like the [ __ ]
but that analogy is very helpful I will
begin employee immediately yeah so first
of all I literally have struggle with
anxiety my entire life and anxiety for
this conversation the way I define it is
it is the habit of worrying spiraled out
of control you know you may say that you
are a worrier that's not true you have a
habit of worrying a habit is a pattern
of behavior or thinking that you repeat
without realizing it
so anxiety happens when that pattern of
worrying about things spirals out of
control and now it starts to marry and
manifest itself with physical sensations
- that's all that it is I know that I
say that's all that it is me personally
I struggled with anxiety I think my
entire life it became quite acute when I
was in my late teens and early twenties
I became medicated in the middle of law
school I took us all off for two decades
when our first daughter was born who is
now 17 the postpartum depression and the
cascading panic was so terrible that not
only was i medicated and couldn't
breastfeed but I couldn't be left alone
with her so when I say you can cure
yourself of anxiety I don't say that
lightly mmm four years ago after I had
been using the five-second rule to
change my behavior how I spoke to my
husband how I negotiate in business
meetings how I conduct sales the kind of
parent that I am my health habits my
eating habits curbing the drinking I
thought I wonder if I can use this five
four three two one thing to get control
of my thought patterns
now my behavior patterns my thought
patterns yes you can so we're gonna
we're gonna build this conversation cuz
I want to start with something we can
all relate to and that is how do you
stop worrying and how do you stop
listening to self-doubt this is how
you're gonna do it so all day long
you're going to have moments where your
thoughts drift and I use that word on
purpose because for me there is a
physical sensation when you start to use
the five-second rule and you start to
wake up not only on time in the morning
but you wake up to your life and the
opportunities in your life there's your
thoughts drift like you'll just be
hanging out with your friends and then
suddenly you're like I'm not sure that
that person likes me and you know I
haven't heard from my kids lately I
wonder if they're dead or you know oh
you know as what check it like you just
start worrying about stuff why because
it's a habit because when you're not
paying attention your brain shifts from
you being a decision-maker and paying
attention to you just kind of spinning
things on autopilot and one of your
habits is worrying the second you wake
up and you notice holy cow I'm talking
some negative garbage to myself right
now five four three two one
you've just shifted the part of the
brain that you're using you've shifted
from the basal ganglia which is where
your habit loops are spinning and you've
awakened your prefrontal cortex
you've also interrupted that pattern now
what you're going to do because your
mind is actually ready to receive a
different thought because of the
counting now you can put in an anchor
thought like if you have a mantra if
you've got a vision about the way that
your business is going to turn out in
five years if you just have a thought
that makes you really happy and proud
insert that now why does this work it
works because of the counting and I'm
not kidding we know based on research
the positive thinking alone not
effective in some instances trying to
force yourself to think positive can
actually make the worries worse why well
the reason why is because it's really
hard to just change the channel what we
have to do first is basically
interrupted
off the TV and then turn it back on with
the prefrontal cortex awakened so the
counting is essential and so you can
start using this today you catch
yourself talking garbage to yourself
because we all know if I were to put a
speaker on your head and broadcast it so
he's sitting here in the audience you'd
be in an insane asylum because the crap
that you say to yourself is insane and
the problem is we listen to it you'll be
you'll be in a sales meeting and you'll
be undermining yourself they're not
gonna by oh my gosh I'm in trouble
you're not even present five four three
two one switch it back get back to that
vision that you have about toasting your
success or this customer being really
happy are you being proud of yourself
whatever that vision may be you can
control your thoughts and this is not
just us talking about it this is a tool
that you can use so let's take it a step
further so worrying if you let it go
unchecked what will happen is you will
get used to worrying you will get used
to living in a state where you're
slightly agitated all the time let me
talk a little bit about agitation so
what we know based on research is that
physically in your body so
physiologically being excited is the
exact same thing as being afraid we say
that again because it is so important in
your body being excited is the exact
same thing as being afraid your body
doesn't know the damn difference your
heart races your armpits sweat you're
like you know you may get tight in your
throat you mean your cheeks may get pink
like my do and I get excited the only
difference between excitement and fear
is what your brain says and the problem
is if you have a habit of worrying guess
what you're gonna tell yourself is going
on that you're that you're like freaking
out that you're not excited that
something must be wrong
oh gosh why would you say something's
wrong cuz you got to have it a saying
that all the time even as I became a
speaker for a living or I'd be on CNN
when I first started doing it I would be
freaking out backstage but even even
though like you know just to cut just
last
he's standing backstage about to go on
8,000 people heart races armpit sweat
you know my hands get clammy I'm not
nervous though not at all I'm excited
and so I developed this technique and
research out of Harvard not based on my
technique but something very similar
proves that if you basically right
before you're about to do something take
a test run a race public speaking a
business negotiation ask somebody to
marry you whatever it may be that get
your heart racing just do this go I'm
excited I'm excited to give that speech
I'm excited to ask him or her I'm
excited to do this race I'm excited
because what happens is you give your
brain context so your brain doesn't
escalate the stuff going on in your body
your brains not worried makes sense
so you can combine this with a
five-second rule so we know how to do
whirring you can't you catch your
thoughts drift five four three two one
anchor thought if you start to feel your
heart racing five four three two one to
awaken the prefrontal cortex and then
start going I'm really excited to do
this I'm really excited to do this
another technique that you can use is
ask I think they call it interrogative
and territory questions where instead of
giving yourself a pep talk say well why
am i ready to do this why am i ready
because that'll force you to answer the
question which then convinces you so why
am i ready to close this sale
why am i ready to give this speech why
am I ready so those are two strategies
that you can use back by science that
are proven to actually make your
performance be much better
[Music]
when I found out that I was adopted what
was happened was I started drinking
again and in my mind I try to
rationalize and say I'm drinking again
because I have celebrating the newfound
part of my identity which was you know
I'm trying to come up with some excuse
to drink again and that was going on for
probably like my wife know I was
drinking Eric knew I was drinking
everybody around me know I was drinking
but it wasn't till about I would say
eight months when I started drinking
started getting out of hand
and you know my wife family she finally
confronted me I love women because
they're so perceptive she looked at me
and she said this to me she said
[ __ ] you [ __ ] drinking cuz
you can't even do the [ __ ] fact that
you just found out that she was adopted
and I tried to deny that but she was a
hundred percent right the rehab thing
allowed me to see what I was doing and
then it allowed me to see why I was
doing it and then it made me discover
well I'm obsessive-compulsive disorders
and this Annette and anxiety and it made
me realize that when I first started
drinking it's because I thought it I
needed help to be who I was trying to be
with friend DMC and the reason why I say
that is because when I went through
rehab now that I'm sober the things that
made me feel good I was able to see and
feel again like people think they need
stuff I realize all you need to do is
feel good about who you are but I'm
talking about really just feeling good
when you feel good everything comes to
you
[Music]
there's a lot of ways to get help
I picked therapy talk therapy there's a
lot of different types of talk therapy I
ended up going with psychoanalysis which
is just a very specific type of it and I
spent four years in analysis going four
days a week what was motivating that was
it a positive feeling of I have the
sense that I can get better or was it
like this hurts so much I just need
something it was it was that's a great
question
so for me well mine my analysis was very
much about like I was just in denial for
a long time about like it's not that I
denied that my parents were like I
intellectually understood I saw them
clearly for who they were I didn't
connect to the emotion of it right like
I refused to accept that I was scared or
lonely or sad I mean I even
intellectually I would but emotionally I
wouldn't connect with that right the
difference between me now and me let's
say ten years ago in this realm is that
now the emotions don't go away right so
anyone who tells you that they have a
way for you to control your emotions or
get rid of your emotions is either lying
to themselves or lying to you and trying
to sell you something so it's not a this
[ __ ] goes away it's that now I recognize
it like like I recognize the feeling I
accept that it's there and I can like
not let it overwhelm me or let it
control me without understanding for
most people the only way you can get
past this stuff is to bring it out let
it let it have its voice that I'm a
father right I have a three-year-old son
Bishop and this happened like four
months ago I'll never forget it
so something like Bishop knocked over a
glass or something whatever he spilled
something he's three and and I kind of
like you know I was having a bad day and
I was in a bad mood I kind of snapped
I'm like Bishop what do you why did you
do that what are you doing be careful
like really almost exactly like that
tenor right and like I didn't didn't
occur to me that I was snapping or being
mean or whatever I was just like talking
you know yeah what I'm reacting but I
looked at his face
and that kids face man it looked like I
had stabbed him in the chest with a
knife like he was crestfallen like
broken I remember looking right at him
and and understand in a flash
understanding I had done to him what my
dad did to me and at that moment I had a
choice to me about the type of man let's
have a father I was gonna be like either
I could rash oh well you know like he
deserved it or I needed he's a toughen
up or I could rationalize this or I
could accept that I had hurt this kid my
son and I had done it unintentionally
tential it doesn't matter I had done it
and that I had to accept it and then
deal with it right deal with the fact
that I had done this and and of course
thank God I went through therapy right
because I was able to see it in the
moment and understand in the moment what
I had done and accept it and then deal
with it and dealing with it is actually
pretty easy if you'll accept that right
but it was really painful I'm like it's
still painful to think about the fact
that I did like I did it there's no way
to undo this but you know I picked them
up I said all buddy come here are you
are you sad and it's like yeah I'm like
okay why are you sad and he's like you
know I don't know he's I'm like are you
sad cuz daddy yelled at you he's like
yeah I'm like okay well you know daddies
make mistakes too daddy shouldn't you
know should he know what daddy makes
mistakes and what do we do when we make
mistakes we say we're sorry and we
cleaned it up like okay what daddy's
saying sorry to you okay cuz daddy
shouldn't you know daddy made a mistake
and daddy sorry so let's give me a hug
and now clean it up right and like I
don't know like that was to me like if
there's a happy ending that's a happy
ending right that's what therapy taught
me and if you had to boil down so that
particular thing to me from the outside
it sounds like ownership is is the key
their ownership of yourself and your
emotions and your a desire to seek and
to feel the painful truth not just
intellectually recognize the truth in
therapy is about connecting with the
emotions you are running from
and feeling them no matter how painful
or awful they are because almost
certainly they're awful and painful to
you otherwise you wouldn't want from
them like you know murder from happiness
hate it's not like a member that great
memory no no put that away hide that
don't no that's not the problem it's the
painful stuff alright guys I hope that
added a ton of value to you this was
something that was really important for
us to put together because one big fear
of mine is that people are out there
suffering in silence from depression
having suicidal thoughts and if you're
having suicidal thoughts and you're not
getting treatment you are literally
playing with your life so for meeting
you please reach out get the help that
you need get the help that you deserve
there's absolutely no weakness in
reaching out for help in fact I will say
that it's one of the strongest and
bravest things you could do alright guys
until next time be legendary
take care
[Music]
[Applause]
everybody thanks so much for joining us
for another episode of impact theory if
this content is adding value to your
life our 1 ask is that you go to iTunes
and stitcher and rate review not only
does that help us build this community
which at the end of the day is all we
care about but it also helps us get even
more amazing guests on here to show
their knowledge with all of us thank you
guys so much for being a part of this
community and until next time be
legendary my friends
[Music]