Kind: captions
Language: en
when you start to get in there
right you can start to detangle your
higher self from your lower self
and no one's really doing that work and
so the whole method that i developed is
so you really figure out what matters
most to you in your life
so then you can hear how crazy your
inner dialogue is and how much it's
[ __ ] with your dreams
[Music]
hey everybody welcome to impact theory
our goal with this show and company is
to introduce you to the people and ideas
that will help you actually execute on
your dreams
alright today's guest is one of the most
accomplished life coaches in the world
as the co-founder and chairwoman of the
handle group she spent more than 20
years coaching entrepreneurs couples
politicians grammy and academy
award-winning artists as well as
families and fortune 500 ceos her
breakthrough generating curriculum the
handle method has been taught in over 35
universities and public schools around
the world including mit yale stanford
and the new york city public school
system the magnitude of her success is
due in part to her in your face style of
tough love so unless you're ready to
hear the truth and take responsibility
for your life she is definitely not the
woman for you but judging by the slew of
high-profile people lining up to work
with her it's clear that if you're ready
to do the work she's ready to deliver
the goods her corporate clients have
included executives from sony citibank
dropbox linkedin and vogue to name but a
few and her no-nonsense results-oriented
advice has also made her one of the most
sought-after lecturers and contributing
writers on the planet she's written for
or been featured by just about every
major outlet there is including the new
york times women's health dr phil and dr
oz as well as forbes men's health and
countless others so please help me in
welcoming the author of maybe it's you
cut the crap face your fears love your
life the queen of accountability herself
lauren handel zander
welcome
well i'm super excited to have you on
thank you
not the least of which because you were
rocking some seriously bedazzled shoes
and feathers in your hair it's true i
fully respect and actually want to talk
about that so you said that you kept
them in because at first you were a
little self-conscious about them i was
going to burning man
i have a camp at burning man and i got
my hair done for a burning man and then
i had a 50th birthday party that was so
fancy like i didn't even i almost
considered canceling going which is so
not me right so for the first time in my
life i was like
[ __ ] self-conscious and then i walked
around the party
and i had to explain my feathers
and i said i'd go into burning man no
one knew what burning man was ever right
and so now i'm explaining bert like oh
i'm out of here like just eat the
feathers lauren like for god's sakes be
the girl with the feathers at the party
and then after i came back from that
burn i was like you deserve these
feathers like you keep them in
and you wear them till you get over what
people think i didn't even know
i would care what people thought until
that scene yeah i'm actually really
surprised about having read your book
and knowing how much you push people to
be themselves and really figure out who
they are and i like the notion that you
have of cut the crap and be
largely because people don't even know
who they are so they're trying to be
true to something yes don't really
understand yes so walk us through like
how do we be true to ourselves and take
risks like the feathers seem like a
pretty cool
intersection of that moment so the main
thing i study is how your inner dialogue
works and most people have never trailed
their inner dialogue
meaning it's just like running wild
they're not they don't even like what
did you just say to yourself what did
you say about your wife's body what did
you say about your boss what did you
like what do you really say what do you
even say to yourself when you look in
the mirror
right like welcome to the you you won't
face
right and so when you start to get in
there
right you can start to detangle your
higher self from your lower self
and no one's really doing that work and
so the whole method that i developed is
so
you really figure out what matters most
to you in your life
so then you can hear how crazy your
inner dialogue is and how much it's
[ __ ] with your dreams
that's pretty amazing welcome to the you
you won't face yeah i've never heard
that before but that's really
interesting so talk to me about higher
self lower self
how do we begin to hear it first of all
and then how do we untangle and maybe
most interestingly how do we
differentiate the high and the low
so this is my favorite thing the way i
lay out the homework right it really is
i break life out into 12 different areas
and i ask for your vision or dream in
each of the 12 because we also hide like
everything should be about work or not
like don't face this or that so if i
make you dream about every area of your
life
and i don't let them overlap you're
really having to face a vision about all
of life
right and then i get you to rate your
current life against that dream
and then tell me what you think is
between you and fulfilling on that and
pretty much the way you explain yourself
the way you talk about that that is
literally ready
that's all your lower self
and who just figured that out your
higher self because who's listening now
if you can call a lower self the lower
self that's the invention of the higher
self
right but you have to get yourself out
right and i have to make people write it
out because
we're full of [ __ ] like we don't want to
we don't i am you like it i am right i
could just start with me right i do the
the whole method was so i would stop
lying to myself about what i wasn't
saying to my dad what i wasn't saying to
that guy what i wasn't saying to myself
about what i really thought so i broke
in by having dreams so then i can hear
my [ __ ] and all of that was
separating higher and lower self when
you say you're broken by having dreams
you're saying like this is what i want
versus being asleep and doing some sort
of dream detection the minute you go i
want to fit in those jeans i want to
make that much money i want to have that
kind of love
the minute you say that everything
that's in your way is your lower self
because you can have anything you want
why not what else are we here for
right like really i think we came to
just suffer
i hope not
i think that's very fair yeah so okay so
as people begin to
look at this and they're differentiating
the high self the low self yeah how do
you train them to go through that so one
of the things that i found interesting
i'm actually really curious to know what
you think about this one of the things i
find interesting about people is when
they have what i'll call
like petty or insecure desires or
whatever but they don't judge themselves
for it yeah and because of that there's
no internal battle it and maybe they're
working on it maybe they want to change
it but they're not like they don't
diminish their sense of self based on
that so how do you help people process
through that do you think people should
have some sort of goods and bads in
their mind do this don't do that
when i make everything connected to your
dream of yourself
right so you have a dream of yourself
which is these visions so it all begins
with that clarity so and one of the most
important areas of life is your
relationship to yourself and i define
your relationship to yourself i love
being with myself i love being myself i
have fun being me
right the minute you go i have fun being
me
you can hear everything that's not that
fun about being you anymore right so the
whole point is the ability to hear
your your inner dialogue based on some
standard that you invent for yourself
and then the next whole section that i
deal with is personality traits
right so you wish you weren't an apple
off that tree maybe you like some of the
things you got from your parents and
everything else not so much and then you
have lineage and all the things that
come with your culture right so starting
to figure out what's going on in your
personality and your dreams
gets you to hear higher and lower self
and gets you to really
like you'll know if you're happy with
yourself right i don't
you know i you know i care about fashion
i care about the size of my body i care
about what i care about i don't need you
to like me like i care about it and that
would be another thing i do i say if you
can't tell everybody what you're doing
then it's probably not that cool for you
like if you're hiding something if
you're lying about it
oh we're in trouble then you are really
not okay with it and most people are
lying about a lot of [ __ ]
because they're not okay with it that's
right and then they pin it on the other
person i'd hurt your feelings if i told
you
everybody's blaming the other person
like everyone's wiping the crime on the
other person and they're being a good
person but really they're lying
we're tricky
they're very tricky so how do you help
people find awareness that's one thing
that i find a lot of people reach out to
me about they want to make an
improvement in their life
but they don't know how to develop
self-awareness so do you have um
practices that people can do to begin to
hear that dialogue in my every step of
the method is literally teaching you how
to catch yourself right so they're the
three first dial inner dialogues that i
make you go after is your chicken like
you got a chicken the voice of the
chicken i do let's define the three as
we go so the chicken the things i'm
afraid of total like fe i can't tell you
what you're you'll you'll be upset with
me all forms of i can't say do that
anything that tells me i can't speak up
right chicken
okay
brat
i'll do it tomorrow leave me alone i
shouldn't have to i'm bad at that i've
never been good at that all the ways
people don't do what they should do
and then they blame it on their i've
always been this way
it's all a brat right bratty voice right
and moodiness
brat
okay and then the final one is the
weather reporter we're like it's always
been this way for me i've always been
this way i've never been good at that
like these generalizations
that tell you you will never find love
you will never be able to have that you
can't make that kind of money
you're a you're a night owl you you
can't like people pretend that the
things they've been saying about
themselves their whole life are the
truth like this is a chair and i'm not
good at that
how much do you think they're aware that
that it isn't true like how much of it
has just become so ingrained either they
learned it from awareness
okay so then how do they you're right on
no awareness
that's true how do they begin to peel
that onion so they have their three
voices now they have tools and tactics
to look out for them yeah
dreams are the most important thing
first things first the only reason to do
all this work is because there really is
something you want in your life you
don't have right now what i love about
your approach there is you talk a lot
about clarity yeah which is a big
obsession of mine so how do people get
clear like give us an example of when
clear is clear enough once you have a
dream
you make promises right i teach people
to put in promises and putting
consequences
right and so everything that you want is
basically in the promised land
right places you right the promised land
like the real promised land where you
make promises and keep them to yourself
right is one of my
longest jokes i'd keep having to make
but um so and then put in a consequence
it so that you make sure you keep that
promise so that you're achieving that
dream so if you're a human you're going
to want to break your promise right
after the minute you make it
so we are always battling our inner
dialogue
but if you have a promise and you put in
a consequence and you really want to
keep that promise all of a sudden you'll
start being proud of yourself it's like
what it took for me to start
running what it took for me to build my
company so it's pass the chicken pass
the brat
kill the weather reports
and live in the promised land
all right so in your book you do a
really good job of showing people like
okay this is
uh a level of clarity that won't do and
this is a level of clarity that will do
because the examples that you gave of of
people that thought they were being
clear but they weren't quite and then
give us
an example of when it finally nails it
i'll eat healthy all week
okay no that i would like really thank
you that's a title
that has nothing to do with reality okay
let's be let's dive in on what that
means that would mean i will not eat
bread i will eat three meals a day my
meals will be at what time before one
time i won't eat after what time how
much water you drink in if you want to
have success
right you have to be crystal clear and
the human
right not that interested in being that
clear right so you know everybody uses
like i was at the airport i couldn't eat
healthy
i don't even understand that i'm like
bring your food or rip the bread and
cheese off the sandwich and eat the
chicken right like we'd lie
so i make people get that clear about
their promises in everything even how
many times they're having sex
with their husband you want to have a
great sex life great
what does that mean please describe
right how are you going to keep that
promise how are you going to be true to
that and so integrity is something that
you cover really well in the book and
this is something that i find um
really becomes problematic for people
and they don't have that within
themselves they're not able to earn the
credibility with themselves because they
make a promise they don't keep it that's
right either through clarity or just
because they don't keep it right and it
begins to like really diminish their
sense of self how do you help people
actively start building that integrity
so i
every one of my coaches right so i have
about 60 employees and all my coaches
work with individuals even in the high
schools right we we have promise
trackers you have promises and you have
consequences and you have an
accountability someone who's holding you
accountable and i'm only taking promises
that you're actually
dying to keep i don't want your mommy's
version of your promises
okay so imagine that you've made them
and you put in your consequence right
and then as long as you're not a liar
and hiding it and
bullshitting that you kept your promise
you will start to make the change and
it'll make you feel great
and then pretty much
two to three weeks in of keeping your
promises your life changes right you
change states of integrity
right so integrity
is a verb it's not a noun you don't have
it
you have to show it minute to minute
right
and then the other thing i say is that
confidence
is a result it's a it's a fee it's like
you have confidence in that area in any
area you have confidence
you have it because you're reliable
that's it you want to know why you don't
feel confident in an area
you're a liar you break promises i'm
certain of it you want to have
confidence let's make some promises and
let's learn to keep them and all i have
to do is come for your vices but humans
are not that tricky all you have to do
is come for your vices what do you mean
um yeah no screen time yeah you're going
to lose your boat oh that's right come
on right all you have to do
i'm not that tricky
right right when i wanted to keep so i
wanted to
meditate twice a day right i was going
to take it on for six weeks to see what
i thought of it okay
no coffee till i meditated
in the morning and no screen time at
night until i
meditated guess who meditated twice a
day
easy
so what are like some common themes and
stuff that you see cropping up with
people where where does the average
person struggle fall down
what do they need the most help with
body right most people are not that
happy with their body
not that happy with their sex life and
not happy with
how much they um
can't make what they want happen in
their career right like they're it's my
boss's fault i don't know how to move
ahead right so there's there's a lot of
coward
chicken
and um or
or i help marriages right like there's a
build-up they never knew how to deal
with everything and they really have to
learn how to have very difficult
conversations talk to me about that how
do you teach people to have the hard
conversation you make a laundry list
first they're each going to go do a list
like separate so so we do a whole method
for couples right um and it really is
clean up the whole marriage and make the
right promises in the marriage and also
figure out the power struggle
right so what do you mean is there
always a power struggle yeah so if you
go through the 12 areas of life
and you and i have a nickname for the 12
areas when it's in a marriage which is
bodegas
right and you have to run the bodega
like who's the president and who's the
ceo
for example in my marriage
just because i make all the money
right doesn't mean i am the ceo of money
in my marriage right my husband's a
brilliant genius with money so he is
that ceo right and we have agreements
for my shopping for when i like for the
kids like we like like super specific
like promises and consequences like i
and what happens when you go in on an
area and you make agreements
there's nothing to fight about there's
no upsets there's actually people
respected and loved right and you guys
come up with the promises together i'm
assuming well you figure out in all the
areas so there's community i'm in charge
of community in our social life right
he's in charge of what we're doing with
the money he's in charge of the kids
right we have three kids he's um
our you know spiritual me like like sex
life me right so in those areas i'm in
charge of what a healthy great sex life
is he like i like that i don't like that
what do you want what do you want
how we doing right so and every year
we go over our promises
and what we're creating for the year i i
do not have an accidental life i'm not
hoping it turns out right i don't hope
my business turns out i don't hope
anything turns out i love designing
and then when i fail i can fix it and i
know exactly what failed
right so i'm a promised junkie
i love that let's get into the mess of
that a little bit which i think is is
really interesting so do you uh my wife
and i define terms so our big thing was
all right certain words mean certain
things so
if i say the word important that means
something for us if i say the word
promise that means something for us it
gets a little muddy because you've got a
whole big thing on promise but for us it
just means as long as you guys
understand each other that's rock and
roll yeah for sure
so is it um
how much of the the process is like that
defining what you call the culture how
much of it is getting them to understand
um leveraging promises consequences are
they each other's buddy how does that
process work so
depending on the dynamic in the
relationship the the biggest thing to
the biggest hurdle to get a couple over
is that the division of labor is never
going to be fair
and that creates a lot of animosity yeah
yeah but but the the cute part is is
when you when you hooked up with them in
the first place it wasn't disguised then
either like the original contract
it's you people are trying to change the
original contract right like so the
original contract was he was never that
great about making money he was never
that clean but boy did he make you laugh
and boy did he think you were the best
and then now you want him to clean make
money and so a lot of times that we have
to go back and figure out if the if if
there's deal breakers
right so
everybody made a deal from the get-go
everyone needs to own what they wish was
true about their relationship and the
truth about their relationship so much
of what we're doing is teasing out the
12 areas of life to really get the
person to tell the truth and the other
person to own i'm never doing this i am
doing this
right this is what you need this is what
i need and then we're re-booting the
spiritual contract they made in the
get-go
and then we're making rules that go with
that
so it's very heavy to get a person to
understand what's never changing in the
original contract so i would love to get
a couple before they end up getting
married
because if you can get that deal really
clear in the get-go
then it really sobers them up to being
in love with each other as is
i am not in the fixed people like the
fixing business
of like let's change together
like no really that's interesting i
literally thought this were you going so
um love the one you're with
that's so interesting okay so if what
happens when they come to you and
they're like
yeah but that's not what i want now yeah
divorce
i'm sorry
you have to be in love with the person
they are you can't take away the respect
because you now want them to be
different
that's
crime in my book my line a terrible line
that i really do have is people know
exactly why they're going to get
divorced while they're walking down the
aisle
wow
there is no accident about that 50 60
and trust me i've sad enough at the
moment that
that woman and that man know it as
they're walking down the aisle oh it's
in there
they're like hoping they're hoping
what are they hoping for
um they really are in love
they really do so you want all this i do
so interesting
so you ready you have a head you have a
heart and you have a hoo-ha got that
indeed yep and then they they the
strange and they all have language right
they all have their desires they all
have everything they want but the
mistake the human makes is they think
that it's um actually divided up a
hundred percent
versus three hundred percent
okay so your head should get everything
at once your heart should get everything
at once and your hoo-ha should get
everything at once but what happens is
someone will make a bargain where their
heart got everything he's the nicest guy
in the whole wide world oh my god he's
so smart
i don't want to [ __ ] him right but i
should i should i wish i did
right how long does that last about six
years
after two kids
take the cash and go girl and then
you're not happy after so instead of
people really dealing with the truth
about everything they want and being
able to talk about it fully and make a
real match like the love of their life
doesn't mean there's no compromises
right like i come from a successful
father and a mother who never worked a
day in her life that i would be the one
that was
the workaholic and was happy to make all
the money is like no way and that my
husband wasn't going to be that guy
and he he's still a total hot great man
right it's like revolutionary to me but
i will never take him down for that
right that's the original contract
so it wasn't that i got exactly what i
thought my head would want
but when it really came down to it the
most important thing that i wanted was
someone who would be a remarkable dad my
dad was a workaholic and he was not a
daddy type
right and he did not play with his kids
and i was like god i wish i had a real
daddy type and like my husband is the
real daddy type
right and i was like oh that my head
really got what it wanted and so most
people have never teased out what their
head wants what their heart wants and
what their hoo-ha wants and how they
really want it and then they end up
compromised
so does the other person and they've
never had all those conversations and
then they've never negotiated a real
fair spiritual contract between the two
of them
with their deal breakers
oh dude that's so amazing so now i want
to keep going on this red so let's say
they're just getting together what are
some of the ones that really stop people
cold and make them really think most
people are just embarrassed how much
they care about things they don't want
to care about like what like no one
wants to the hoo-ha barely wants to
admit vanity like yeah she needs big
tits
[Laughter]
right
i heard people two rooms away laugh at
that one that's amazing i'm like
right they can't even say it out loud
right ready
green eyes i got a thing for green eyes
i gotta think for green eyes and if you
if you see my husband's green eyes it's
like oh it was always him so instead of
trusting
your vanity what your heart thinks is
most important and even that head of
yours
right instead of trusting it you're
embarrassed or ashamed or won't even
speak it out loud that's why you're like
how do you even talk about these things
but we're so gaming our own system
rather than being our freaky selves
you need to learn your language i
right i really did develop this and it
really changes everything
so that was a good one what what else
should people be thinking about
for head okay
all right everybody there really is how
intelligent they need to be
right yes you really do care about
college yes you really do care about
that their parents are not are happily
married yes i mean i i could not believe
you ready
this is awful i was dating someone i
went and met his family
and it was not okay with me right he was
great
but his family was so [ __ ] goofy
like
my screamed
right i am not like i can't even believe
how uncomfortable this is making me and
then i think i'm such a jerk that i'm so
judgmental
right and then i'm like what do you mean
i'm like just be your true like it's
okay you're a judgmental ditch like just
trust yourself
right you don't want to do holidays for
the rest of your life with these people
you got it okay great break up with him
for that
but
but he's nice he loves you he's taking
you to jamaica right like what ah you're
such a fraud right if he knew what you
thought about his family or what you
really think
he wouldn't want to be with you five
more minutes anyway honey
what what you will find that is really
funny
is they agree like if your partner is
your real partner they're like right
it's awful i'm sorry
if you have to lie to your partner about
what you're scared of about them or
their family that is not your partner if
he is your partner he immediately wants
to hear everything and and like yells at
you and then you're sorry like you you
will learn together
right david has called me out on things
my whole life but it was because i said
the truth and then i was like oh you're
right
i should get over that
right you learn together
through the truth
so going to that not changing people
but obviously you're i think big into
people changing themselves yes so walk
us through that process how does a
couple grow but make sure that they're
growing in a similar direction
you know if you're in love with the
person you're with right like your job
is to stay in love with who you're with
right and like they're not especially
you know they're not changing that much
right now if they radically change
right and then you didn't sign up for
that change you really are going to have
problems
i'm i guess i'm dangerous because i
don't have a problem with divorce i
think it's okay people get over each
other so that's maybe crazy for people
my joke with my husband we made a vow
when we got married that if we're not
still in love if we don't still want to
do each other if we're not having the
best time of our lives
we'll get divorced right
like that was actually your vow a vow
i believe in divorce
because i really believe in love and i'd
rather have love my whole life than
pretend i have to be a good person that
stays talk to me about your notion of
the emotional dna
so there had there been way too many
times i've discovered through doing work
with people that they don't just maybe
have their parents issues
right
they're repeating them in really weird
ways
people's problems in money people's
problems in their sex lives in their
marriage in their careers right like why
they're an accountant and they're
miserable
right is because their dad was this
terrible entrepreneur but no one
remembers he was high too and that like
right and they never really studied why
they have to be so conservative
right so people are reactions and then
they're like their reactions to their
parents so studying your parents history
and understanding all of those areas of
life and what you've what you inherited
as like personality traits no like
literally
epigenetics
right like so if the bunny
sees
its sister bunny get eaten by a bear
not only does it know bears eat you
but it's unborn children knows bears eat
you like it go like it learns the system
learns from the from what it witnesses
and its parents so
right and so if your if your father's on
his fourth marriage
you're like it's year seven
and you're wondering why you got that
strange itch right so the line i say is
you don't just have your dad's
blue eyes you have his wandering blue
eyes
right and so how do you coach people
through that
the more you know
the more you don't make that mistake
awareness is everything and then making
rules promises i have to get that person
to know everything so that they can then
make the right promises to themselves so
they don't repeat mistakes
because you will be
and so you advocate them going in and
just knowledge is power kind of thing
and they're interviewing their family to
find out they're bringing me back
everything everything so after i get a
person to do the whole homework so the
12 areas of life and all what they say
about everything between them and having
what they want their parent traits and
how they live in them and their marriage
parents traits and how those live in
them and they're haunting memories right
after i get all of that you can see all
the information like you can see the
problems like you can literally call
them spiritual purgatories talk to me
about the hauntings that's an
interesting concept
i used to get betrayed by women like
these women that i thought loved me they
didn't even stab me in the back they
stand me in the front
right like i got killed and so what i
did
was i started to get suspicious of my
picker like
somebody's picking like maybe it's me
right and so i went back to my first
most disturbing haunting i ever remember
really being betrayed by
right
trust me i did not want to call her
she was so happy to hear from me it was
shocking like hi
right um do you understand how different
the story is in my head
okay so the way we remember things the
way we hold things the way we tell the
story over and over again those are
usually screwy lies and so in any area
of your life where you feel
trapped like you can't make more money
you can't get out your body never loses
weight like there is some purgatory
connected to a haunting memory and the
way you tell the story of the haunting
is not accurate it's a lie in there
that's why it's haunting you that's why
i call it a haunting
right it haunts you
and so what do people need to change the
story so i go back to i go back to i go
back to her name was cheryl i go back to
cheryl right
and i find out
that i only remembered the last of
things she did to me
do you know i she had a list of what i
did to her do you i didn't remember it i
don't mean i didn't remember i mean i
didn't remember it
that was the last time i ever got
betrayed that way again ever like my
awareness that maybe it's me and how i
picked her and how i lied about that
like honestly
right not like trying right i was so i
had to go back to the to the mystery of
that story because the his because the
lesson kept repeating so lessons repeat
till you learn them
obviously if something bad keeps
repeating i didn't learn it so i had to
go back to the original source so i
could learn why i was
i was the [ __ ] too people don't
realize
how much we don't treat each other as
sacred even the bad things that happen
in your lives with them
so all of that matters to me and that
all became a miracle because you were
able to process through it figure out
what you've done wrong apologize be
apologized to
and then have just an open and honest
relationship no it just it literally
changed my awareness you go through a
bad business deal you ever making one of
those again if you really learn it if
you make it again
you then go i didn't see something
something's up with me maybe it's me
and so when you can get to the maybe
it's me part you then have to go back to
those hauntings and discover where you
couldn't smell your own poopy
and then once you have the awareness of
what's up with me what do i fall for
like what do i fall for in all these
women right i get enamored
by people ready that are enamored with
me
right if you love me then i'll think
like i don't even realize
that you're using me i don't i'm using i
don't even notice i'm using you
right like there's creepy [ __ ] like i
didn't even understand it until i went
back and
discovered it but it was it was from
high school
right and then it kept happening a bit
through my my the joke about me was one
in every seven people
just might stab me
like but the other six i keep for life
that's bad and then that was something
that once you had the awareness around
that issue which actually seems pretty
like
nuanced well watch okay ready then you
go well does it go any further back in
your family lineage and i'm like yes
my grandfather was had had major
betrayal issues right where he trusted
someone completely trusted them and the
stories in his life of building his
business were the people he remembered
that betrayed him so here i am building
a business i'm this person i'm my
grandfather's granddaughter and so
it all became clear to me that i ran in
my lineage
right that's the the folklore of
betrayal
has been in the family line
and so then i went back to my original
haunting
and discovered my fingerprints on the
crime scene too
and how come i picked her
and then that awareness changed that
from happening over and over being one
in seven
right those statistics are not my
statistics anymore and how hurt and then
it and people can come and go like i
learned so much in honor of my
grandfather does that make sense
so that's the gist so i want to go back
to the way that you change behavior
through promises yeah so
what's something that you're doing now
that because i'm assuming you're
constantly evolving constantly dreaming
new dreams and using promises and
consequences and all that to get that
all of it so what's something that
you're doing right now so people can
have a really concrete example of how
you've steered your life you've been so
successful how you continue to steer
your life with what is really a nice
simple
process
well i use my method right i never get
out of it and then the other thing i do
which is really hysterical
that i love
is um i invert the scale so if i've been
at an eight in my marriage
the eight becomes the new one
interesting right i don't let my like it
like how's my sex life gonna be even
better how's our marriage gonna be even
better well yeah i mean the the notion
of revisiting things yearly
putting it down coming up with promises
um i think is
really interesting like the the
mechanisms of it almost don't matter as
much as the process of going through and
just being aware of what you want having
a plan to get it but what i like about
the promises is that it's all about
altering behavior
it's being true to yourself would be the
line i would say me being true to myself
right and aren't the promises always
around behavior or have i misunderstood
that so
i'll interview my kids i always
interview my kids are you how am i doing
am i gonna mommy what do you want me to
fix anything you want me to change any
new promises you want me to make right
so that's interesting you'll actually
open that up to people everybody
and what's something in like the realm
of career what's a classic mistake that
people are doing or not being aware of
or something that's really holding them
back
they're not making promises that scare
the [ __ ] out of them that's interesting
people do not dare themselves like i am
a dare i dare you
what should i dare you to do
right what promise would you have to
make and then hear your inner dialogue
[ __ ] with that thing it's perfect
bring if you don't have the chicken out
in your head you're not in a big enough
game
it's just like letting yourself dream
really makes magic happen
what does that process look like when
you say let yourself dream do you think
people have a natural governor where
they're not is it is it the fear or is
it that they just don't do the exercise
what is it that stops people from fear
we have my joke is we have phds in fear
i can't i won't you shun what are you
doing oh my god don't what if
right we're phd in fear and so
again language and learning to make
yourself
use language and you know because every
word is your imagination
right
i want i don't care if you want a boat i
want a car i want my kids to i don't
don't want your kids to be things okay
like let your kids be themselves please
but nonetheless you want things for
yourself and that's language and then so
yes i do think people aren't sitting
down and writing their dreams and then
making the right promises if you haven't
done that every year
what's happening then right then you're
not doing that right it's like not
having a business plan every year for
your business that would be very dumb
right and that's the only way you know
if you're failing i really do think life
is about fulfilling on whatever matters
the most to you
and figuring out what that is
and then if you don't like it
throw it out and do another one like
who cares
right don't be paralyzed don't even care
if you're right and if you're not gonna
change that thing no you really do have
a drink for breakfast right and you're
not then just don't lie about it
be the guy
be the person
like be true to yourself don't lie the
biggest thing i would like to change on
earth is how much we lie
that's interesting why is that the one
thing
because
we lose ourselves
the minute we like the minute
you lie
to me
i'm more important than you
you just sold yourself out to get away
with something you just stepped down
you didn't stay true to yourself
you just became a fake
two-faced
to please me
you're not you anymore
and i'm somebody you don't even tell the
truth to
what's happening on earth
nobody's being real
at all in the moment a lie happens
right it's the fakest world like we are
so strange how fake we're willing to be
and then you're like if you're like why
do people not have great sex lives they
cannot even tell each other
what they like
you have no idea how much i can get a
person to finally start telling the
truth
and how funny and liberating it is
from the type of porn they like to what
they do like people are so interesting
on how much they're willing to lie to
keep up appearances why do you think
people are with sex for instance why are
they why do they have such a hard time
telling the truth because they can't
accept that they're goofy they can't
accept what they like they're ashamed
they're embarrassed you're gonna make
fun of me you're gonna i don't even know
what you're gonna say i don't it hasn't
even hit the air
how do you get them over that do you
actually coach the other person on how
to respond i have the greatest funniest
coaching a couple
tell on myself if i just tell everything
about myself and my marriage
right and then add a few other couples
that are awesome
and hysterical everyone can tell the
truth
i have the the name of my sex course
that like i teach that i teach it right
it's called awkward
we are so awkward
and we have no language and then men and
women pretend they like they can't
handle that no they can't handle that
how long have women been lying about
orgasms anybody
never happened to me
everybody
it's it's the greatest problem
in humanity in my opinion is our
willingness to lie
right and i'm trying to figure out how
to
sell telling the truth is really great
yeah what do we get like if if lying
steals something fundamental about us
yeah what do we get by telling the truth
which will have people lie because there
are consequences even for the kid eating
the cookie yeah so what's the upside to
the truth
um
ah
god it feels much better it's nice to be
you it actually creates real change
right right it's if you ever hurt anyone
who got caught like got caught cheating
right and then really went through the
process of dealing with it
yeah that's the person who never cheats
again so when you stick your hand in
fire
right and you really get the burn
that's the last time you don't
that you really learned something what
happens is no one's learning because no
one's telling the truth and so
everyone's keeping up the puppet show
and they're a puppet
and you're a puppet
so it's deeply disturbing but it works
right so there's this illusion that
we're deeply intimate and connected and
then there's people you have pockets of
it with
but
getting naked getting real telling the
whole truth feels amazing or gets you in
a lot of actual trouble
but the kind of trouble that you learn
from
um
right as long as you're not gonna
as long as the truth is safe
right so when my husband and i like i in
the coaching of a couple
i really i have a huge teaching of how
to teach people to listen to each other
and that it's not about agreeing
people want to have agree with each
other
you need to understand my version and
understand it and agree with me yeah no
i don't go for agreement ever that is
not what is needed on earth
ever it's actually giving a [ __ ] about
my experience and your experience like
no we don't need to agree
we need to get each other
we need to hear each other we need to
respect each other's version of what
just happened
right i don't need you to come to my
side
and agree with me that's why people
really fight they don't just [ __ ]
love each other as is all right before i
ask my last question yes where can these
guys find you online
so handel group h-a-n-d handelgroup.com
and then there's there's everything
there
right there's um
courses
inner you
which is really you'll heal every if you
like my storytelling um you can hear all
my stories and the homework
and a community
and really actually very affordable
because i actually want to reach
millions of people nice love that yeah
all right my last question what is the
impact that you want to have on the
world
ready ready ready
can i tell it in a little story
so i have an image of a big and it's
right a big turkey
right
the wrong direction
right
ready and we need to so dark
dark
and the money like what's running the
world right now
is on the wrong side so i need the light
and the money and i need to flip the
bird
so you're like what are you committed to
i'm committed to flipping the bird so
that the people that should have the
money and have the power so they can do
good in the world are doing it that's
why i want the politicians i want the
musicians i want i want to reach
the people who could do good and
actually get this and change the world
before i die
wish me luck flip the burp i love it
so much for coming on the show that was
fantastic
all right guys this is
raw she tells the truth she's in your
face she is a lot of fun read her book
it is really fascinating it has a
workbook vibe to it as well with the
challenges that she gives you in the
chapter so you know how to put this to
use in your own life
clarity on getting your dreams right how
to make promises and use them
effectively in your life it really is a
manual for how to get things together in
your life whether it's with your career
whether it's with your spouse like she
said she breaks out a whole 12 areas we
didn't even get into the 13th which is
death that's a whole another thing
but her obsession with truth-telling and
getting people in touch with who they
really are and not judging themselves
but finally really figuring out who they
are so that they can then create that
path that they want to evolve along is
something that i think so many people
would benefit from so dive deep into
that world check it out she's putting
out amazing content alright if you
haven't already be sure to subscribe and
until next time my friends be legendary
take care
thank you again that was wonderful
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