Kind: captions
Language: en
i felt like i have lived two different
lives i literally feel like i died in
jail and was reborn in a weird way
because i look at myself now and i don't
really remember that person back then i
mean i surely have memories but
when i look at pictures i'm like who is
that guy
and i think in life we can't change the
past right we can only learn and grow
from it so there's no sense in like
harping on mistakes you made they're
done i always say fail more because if
you you know never made a mistake it
means you never tried if you never tried
it means you never took a chance and if
you never took a chance you never
believed in yourself you never had faith
and faith we need faith you need to
believe in yourself and it doesn't
matter how many times you failed what
matters is you keep getting up every day
and trying again and that's what really
is important at knowing that you know
each day you have an opportunity to
change
[Music]
hey everybody welcome to impact theory
today's guest is a former felon and drug
addict who was found guilty and
sentenced to jail for possession of
narcotics with an intent to sell
he's also however living proof that no
matter how far and hard you fall there
is always a way to build back to a
beautiful life
growing up in a highly dysfunctional
broken home and facing intense bullying
in school he turned to drugs at the age
of 14 to numb the pain and it worked
just not for long and soon enough he
went from smoking weed to graduating to
harder drugs like percocet cocaine and
oxycontin he was using so heavily that
the constant snorting actually eroded
away part of the inside of his nose and
to make matters worse he ended up having
to sell drugs to afford the outrageously
expensive opioids he needed just to get
out of bed during this time he watched
multiple friends die from causes related
to drugs and alcohol and he himself
assumed he wouldn't live to see his 25th
birthday but luckily all of the bad
choices came crashing down on him when
he was pulled over with a half pound of
weed a scale and thousands of dollars in
cash in his car he was arrested and
sentenced to jail and while he thought
it would be the end of his life it
actually ended up being a whole new
beginning he had a cellmate who was
obsessed with fitness and who pushed him
to be a better man he took it to heart
got clean dove headlong into fitness and
he stayed sober now for over a decade
he's written three books around
addiction and how to turn your life
around and he's on a mission to help
others do exactly that so please help me
in welcoming the author of the heart of
recovery trainer and fitness personality
doug bobst
thank you thank you
so welcome to the show my man thanks man
i mean i tell you what those intros are
amazing i gotta start bringing you with
me on my dates i think i have more luck
dude we'll get you locked down asap no
question
now what i want to know is
how the hell
do you rebuild from feeling the sense of
worthlessness that you had you said that
part of the reason that you were doing
drugs was you had all this emotional
pain you'd made all these mistakes all
the mistakes were compounding and
getting sober was always having to face
that and that became the really hard
part
and this may make sense i hope i met a
guy who used to really stutter and he
said tom the hardest part of stuttering
is just beginning the getting the spiral
going in the opposite direction because
stuttering makes you worry your gun is
stutter which makes you stutter more
which then you know makes it almost
impossible to start moving in the
opposite direction and i imagine it's
the same with getting down on yourself
it just compounds so how did you get
that going in the opposite direction
well you know fitness really saved my
life when i was in the depths of despair
when i was incarcerated on felony drug
charges and up until that point i was
the most unhealthy person you could
think of i was managing
some trauma with some super unhealthy
ways such as you know drugs alcohol all
that stuff
my life was really spinning out of
control and so what really helped
me was when my soulmate took me looked
me in the face and he said doug
you can either be a man or you can be a
[ __ ] because i was complaining to him
when i was in jail i was like dude i
have so many problems um i
my parents are this my friends are this
i was bullied i was picked on i was all
kinds of made fun of
and he was like well doug like [ __ ] you
made the choices in those situations
that got yourself incarcerated and i was
like what do you mean and he was like
you're here aren't you
and i really believe tom that we're not
defined by our circumstances we're
defined by the choices we make in
response to our circumstances
and he said when i was in jail you know
he's like you can be a man and look
yourself in the mirror and say you know
what take responsibility for yourself
you got yourself here you're here right
now and um you can you know man up and
do what you need to do to get better or
you can be a [ __ ] go cry in the corner
blame everybody for your problems say
woe is me
and where i came from where i grew up i
mean being called a [ __ ] isn't cool and
i was like you know what i'll take the
opportunity of being a man
and at first it was really hard for me
because when you're in jail all the
masks come off right you know the mask
of you know trying to fit in the mask of
trying to to
you know deal with your insecurities the
mask of dealing with all these masks and
it was just me and my problems and
looking at this kid who was 50 pounds
overweight and my cellmate was like
you're gonna start working out with me
and this guy was like the more jacked
version of brad pitt from fight club
like literally
and
i had no idea what was going to
transpire because
before that i had never formally
exercised and i remember
you know finally after watching him just
do crazy amounts of push-ups sit-ups and
pull-ups he was here start working out
with me and i just at first was like no
way and then
um after weeks of him bothering me about
it i decided to give it a chance and
said you know what else do i have to
lose i can sit here play spades play
pinocchio play scrabble or i can try and
better myself and invest in myself and i
think there's no better decision you can
make
um to invest in your health and
i want to stop you there i know
there's no better thing that you can do
than to invest in yourself and i think
that people get that on paper but i i
want to really look at that moment
because here's the heartbreaking punch
line is eric does not end up getting his
own life together but he's able to
transform you and if you can capture
what you were thinking in that moment
where you're like [ __ ] my life is over i
feel really shitty i'm sober now which
you did just cold turkey
and
how do you because this is that downward
spiral i'm talking about so this is the
first time you wake up from the sort of
stupor of drugs
to
whoa i've made some horrific choices i'm
not happy with how i've managed the
relationships with my parents and i'm
not happy with uh manipulating my
brothers into giving me money i mean
there's like a lot of heavy [ __ ] sitting
on you and so what i don't understand is
how and why you were able to look at him
was it like
he just looks rad is it that he was so
intense like what was it that made you
click something over in your mind
because that like the reason i'm gonna
make you find this answer even if you
don't have it on tap
is somebody watching right now they're
in that spot they have a sense of
hopelessness they want to do better but
they don't
i think it was because he believed in me
at a point where i didn't even believe
in myself and i think sometimes in our
lives when we're feeling that
hopelessness we're in that rat race of
just feeling sorry for ourselves and
saying your life's never going to get
better
it's tough and i think especially when
we don't believe have that belief in
ourselves when somebody says i believe
in you and you can do it and i'm going
to help show you the way to get you
started i was like i'd never had anybody
do that to me before that unconditional
love i just felt like this
void being filled from you know whether
it was the friends i had that were just
using me for drugs or whether it was my
relationship with my parents
and that to me was just like what really
kick-started that belief in me and
inspired me to take a chance to get down
and do a push-up and when i couldn't do
a push-up he looked me in the face i was
like eric why can't i do a push-up he's
like cause you're [ __ ] fat
i'm like i know but like why can't he's
like you're [ __ ] fat like how else do
you want me to say it you're fat
and i needed to hear that and i needed
to look at myself and be like i got
myself here and it was him believing in
me and me seeing the slight progress of
me being able to do a push-up two
push-ups three push-ups that i was like
wow i can start to achieve things if i
put my mind to it because whether we
believe we can we believe we can't right
it's the same answer and for me i always
believed that i couldn't i'm not gonna
be able to do it i'm not and eric was
like get your ass down there and do a
push-up keep going keep going keep going
and it reminds me a lot of i was
watching creed 2 on the way out here it
reminds me of rocky training um creed
when he's going back to fight the
russian and just you know he didn't want
to keep going he didn't want to keep
going but he believed in him enough to
to really like pick him back up and keep
training him that's what my cellmate was
like for me in jail
god it's so interesting i really hate
that answer and i know from hearing your
story that that really is the truth
the reason that i hate that answer is
because it is so hard to make sure that
everybody has that person that believes
in them like i try to put belief out in
the world like just telling people even
without having met you like i know you
can do it and
um i'm working on a book right now and i
am obsessed with conveying that notion
to people that
the reason that you should believe that
you can do it is because humans are
meant to grow and adapt like literally
epigenetics that is what we're designed
to do is to respond to our environment
to improve
so setting that aside because we're not
going to be able to give everyone the
gift of somebody who's right there with
them that will push and encourage them
thankfully you had that but then what is
the process underlying that like so for
instance even just to juxtapose eric who
was that for you but could not be that
for himself because i would say and i'm
super interested to hear what you think
that he didn't have the process he
didn't have the things that he needed to
do whether it was changing his friends
whether it was a belief around drugs i i
i don't know him so i have no idea but
what was the process that you used that
people can take and apply to their own
life
i mean it was really for me was faith
family and fitness and i don't mean like
to get all spiritual but faith for me
was i believe in god but it was like the
blind faith i know you talk a lot about
blind faith i had to really really
believe in myself even though i
internally shouldn't have right the odds
were stacked against me but i had to
keep believing
if i knew that if i could just become a
better version of myself each and every
day that i had faith that things would
like get better moving forward though so
you go from and this this is the
transition this transition the thing
that you did is what will change
people's lives but how the [ __ ] did you
do it so you go from it's everybody else
it's not me to suddenly really taking on
extreme ownership well it was when eric
looked at me and he said you can either
be a man or you can be a [ __ ] and you
chose to get yourself arrested like you
chose to sell drugs you chose to use
drugs in response to your circumstances
so you it's your responsibility to
change it no one's going to do it for
you you have to look at yourself in the
mirror and i'm one of those guy i'm a
sponge for like knowledge like i even
today like i'm just a sponge to learn
from people and that to me was like you
know what i don't know everything so i
need to seek out somebody who does and
obviously at that moment was my cellmate
and
and so
when i just decided to really start
putting my mind to it and continue
working out keep doing push-ups and
listen to what eric told me my belief
system changed like i had confidence in
myself i felt better i why i just felt
like better about myself when i was
stressed out and using exercise as a way
to cope with that because before
was it like endorphins is that what
we're talking about was it seeing
progress like what was the thing that
was feeding that belief i think it was a
combination of the endorphin russians
seeing progress and knowing that like
goals like can correspond with anything
whether you're in fitness whether you're
in life whether you're at your job and i
just saw that okay i couldn't do a
push-up for my knees now i can do a set
of five now i can do a set of ten and so
on and so on it's just like the
feel-good dopamine rush hit me and was
like you know what doug you can do
things you never thought you could do
because exercise forces you to get
comfortable being uncomfortable and
doing things you really don't like doing
i hated getting down in front of a bunch
of grown men and doing push-ups when i
couldn't do a push-ups i hated running
around the the common area in there
while everybody else was kind of i hated
it because everyone was looking at me
i'm feeling like what are they looking
at
but in my mind i knew i wanted to do
whatever it took whatever it took to
change my life
and then it was just day by day things
started getting better i was like wow
progress i can do a set of 10 push-ups
i'm feeling better about myself i
actually feel like i have a chance to
make it and so faith was a big part of
it
and then family and i believe let's go a
little deeper on faith because
i've had the good fortune of listening
to you talk about this a lot so i know
where you're going with this but take
people into that how did that serve you
exactly
well i knew i had two choices i knew i
could believe in myself or not believe
in myself i knew like in my mind i could
tell myself i could or i couldn't
because in jail i was telling myself i
couldn't a lot
but what's have to do with faith because
i believe faith is believing in the
unseen faith faith is believing in
something ahead even though you can't
see it and for me i couldn't see
recovery i couldn't see
holding a job i couldn't see losing
weight i couldn't see anything because i
never had any of that before so for me i
was just living in fear that's why it's
so much self-doubt in jail so faith to
me is believing in the unseen one thing
i heard you talk about which i thought
was really interesting so i am not
religious in the slightest but
the way that you talked about um
i wasn't okay with the things that i did
but god was and that was enough and i
thought oh i actually really get that i
i get the sense of um there's something
that releases me from having to worry
about it so the the game that i play
with myself is the notion that like it's
done and gone there is nothing that can
be done about that but you can move
forward and the way that the brain works
just from a neurological standpoint if i
obsess over this negative thing it will
hardwire it will become very easy for me
to think about it it will be less
effective and it's less likely to move
me towards my goals which is like in my
life i have a mandate that i only do
things that move me towards my goals
right so i don't do or believe i don't
even allow myself to believe something
that might move me away from my goals
and in that is the release like oh does
obsessing over this stupid thing that i
did and thinking about what a dick i am
like does that help
me get get to my goals or not oh it
doesn't cool then i i'm released which
felt to me the way that you talk about
your relationship with god however you
define that felt very similar to that
sense of like there was something else
that just let you let go of it and i
think that is something people need to
hear well yeah i mean because growing up
i grew up old school religious where if
you're good you went to heaven if you're
bad you went to hell and for me i knew i
was on the highway to hell based on my
actions and it wasn't until i really
started believing in god years into my
recovery that what really helped me was
that i realized that things happened for
me in life into you i know tony robbins
says you know the moment you realize
that things happen for you and to you
and the universe like you know game over
something like that game over right and
i started realizing that everything
happened for me like i can't really make
up the fact that my cell mate is helping
me use fitness to change my life in jail
now i'm helping others use fitness to
change their lives i can't make that up
and i'm not proud of the people i
manipulated the times i lied you know
the manipulating my family and selling
drugs and all that stuff but he was
because he used that for his purpose for
me to help other people and that's what
really has helped me because for a while
i always had a lot of guilt a lot of
regret with my past
and that's really what faith and god is
for me it's i don't see like a person in
the morning i don't go to church every
single sunday but for me it's just
i look at like the resurrection like
being born again like in a way that i
felt like i have lived two different
lives i literally feel like i died in
jail and was reborn in a weird way
because i look at myself now and i don't
really remember that person back then i
mean i surely have memories but
when i look at pictures i'm like who is
that guy
and i think in life we can't change the
past right we can only learn and grow
from it so there's no sense in like
harping on mistakes you made they're
done like i always say fail more because
if you you know never made a mistake it
means you never tried if you never tried
means you never took a chance and if you
never took a chance you never believed
in yourself you never had faith and
faith we need faith you need to believe
in yourself and it doesn't matter how
many times you've failed what matters is
you keep getting up every day and trying
again and that's what really is
important at knowing that you know each
day you have an opportunity to change
yeah i think there's two things in there
that are super super powerful one is
this notion of however you get there
whether it's the way that i think about
it which is sort of just uh the way the
world works is if you're in a death
spiral loop about being you know
worthless then you will achieve less
certainly be less happy you're not going
to be able to contribute so people need
to find a way to release themselves and
then people have to be able to
think now forward like how do i move
forward how do i begin to build
something new and having that vision and
the clarity to move forward but you
can't move forward until you
have that release and so
that is something that
i really think people struggle with a
lot they get into this self-defeating
self-definition and that's one thing i
want to hear from you is how did you
begin to define yourself anew
when did you start thinking of the
analogy of i'm being reborn like is that
why you're doing the push-ups you're
still in the jail cell and you start to
think this is a rebirth for me because i
think the way that you begin to
conceptualize that anybody going through
this that conceptualization becomes
important well i think for me originally
it wasn't the case originally it was
like my pain turning my pain into
purpose because i had a lot of people
disappointed in me a lot of people
doubting me a lot of people who made fun
of me and i remembered that each time i
would go down and do a push-up that was
like one of the things my cell mate
helped me learn was like think about
what makes you mad when you're working
out because that'll help you get through
and i just thought about all the people
that brought me down when i was when i
was working out and that helped me get
through it why is that i think that's
so powerful and so overlooked but this
is controversial so get go a little
deeper why is that so effective
i mean it just released like some anger
at me and it helped me channel whatever
i had inside of me in a positive way
because i think like
it's there like those memories of people
that you're not just gonna forget about
people who bullied you or made fun of
you or the way your parents treated you
or anything that happened when you were
younger you can only change how you
respond to it
and the way i was responding to it was
horrible for me up until the point where
i got into jail and now like i had to
learn to channel those memories into a
more positive way and to get angry i was
never an angry kid i'd always held a lot
in and it wasn't until you're never
outwardly angry or you weren't angry at
all i was never outwardly angry like i
was never the guy who would start fights
i was never the guy who was like
screaming but inside inside i was always
always hurt i was pissed off i was
resentful i was ashamed
and i didn't know how to manage all that
stuff so when i learned when i found out
i could just think of the people who
made me angry and start working out like
boom a light switch went off and i think
people don't they don't like to look at
pain like they don't people like are
afraid of pain they don't want to be
hurt they want to be coddled they want
this they want that pain is great man
and i think we need to change the way we
view pain because pain
can really be
the catalyst for purpose i mean you
think about working out right one of the
things i love about fitness is how it
can be such an influential part in so
many other areas of your life you have
to fail to grow stronger you have to
fail to run faster you have to be in
pain
and so using that pain to get better and
you grow from it and for me that's what
really started was in jail thinking
about all that stuff the dark side which
is how i refer to using the anger and
the hatred and all of that i think is
really misunderstood really
underutilized and there's some really
fascinating research around how if you
let people express anger they can endure
more pain and so one of the ways that i
think about suffering pain anguish hurt
guilt shame all of that is you're
tapping into the the dark energy for
sure it's not a place that i want to
spend a lot of time it's very ugly it's
very tumultuous but
it is
you're going to leverage the fact that
we have emotions for a reason they're
evolutionarily advantageous in some way
and so based on the studies they've done
where they took people and they had them
submerge their arm and ice and they said
how long can you hold it there they
establish a baseline and then they say
okay now when you feel like you just
absolutely have to pull it out i want
you to swear and get angry and people
are able to leave it in something like
30 longer i mean it's like really
extraordinary how much farther it allows
people to push and so if people are able
to tap into that it's interesting i've
never thought of it as a release before
but it probably also serves that
function of just sort of getting some of
that anger out but it also gives you the
energy to see things through when i was
reading your story
i kept thinking like it's really
interesting to me that you were able to
sustain energy that you've been able to
do this over time that you've been able
to radically transform your physique
what allows you to sustain that
that focus that clarity the drive the
energy
remember where i came from i mean i
never want to be that kid who was so
unhappy so unhealthy that was suicidal
and didn't want to live anymore and
whatever i do i got to make sure that
it's pushing myself further in life and
i think one of the things my cell mate
did was the importance of having mentors
so when i got out of jail i joined a
mastermind group because i knew like i
didn't know everything i want to know
how to get better so i need to surround
myself with like-minded people that
wanted to push themselves and
chase goals and change the world and
everything else which was huge for me
because it pushed me to write my first
book like at the beginning like i never
i thought my story was my story i didn't
think it was cool and like i was sharing
my story at a mastermind event and
they're like you got to write a book and
i was like book i barely graduated high
school are you kidding me
and they pushed me to write my first
book and you know that snowballed into
everything else so it's definitely
surrounding myself with great people has
been something that's been so huge for
me changing my friends
hanging out with people that have common
futures not common past i mean i think
has really helped me kind of stay the
course
being humble looking myself in the
mirror you know i'm human i'm going to
make mistakes and i'm doing myself a
disservice if i sit there and throw a
pity party and cry and say woe is me um
and just be i just remember every time i
want to quit on something i'm like doug
you can be a [ __ ] you're going to be a
man one thing that i find interesting in
your story is that you make it clear
that it's not like getting sober is a
hard thing and it is a messy thing and
it you know one minute you're fine and
the next you're not and at first fitness
seemed to be solving all the three
problems and then there was sort of an
emptiness and it was
it's very much i think the way that
people expect with money like once i get
my body the way that i want it i'll be
happy and you got there and you were
like huh there's something still wrong
but you didn't just go throw your hands
up like you really dug in to figure it
out one i'd like to know how like so
you're in that phase how do you identify
what's still wrong
well i think for me i looked at my life
and i said you know i figured i had
everything together i was like super fit
i had like five or six percent body fat
i was making great money as a trainer i
was sober
um but then i looked at like i just
wasn't being fulfilled right i wasn't
fulfilled inside i still had a lot of
regret a lot of shame about my past and
that was what really drove me
to come
be more spiritual i was never like i
said a spiritual guy i was like you know
if god's real why am i in jail why me
why me why me victim victim victim [ __ ]
[ __ ] [ __ ] right and then like
seriously and then like
i one of my clients was like you know
you should start coming to church and i
was like dude i don't go to church man i
was like i'm going to hell for putting
you through this workout like there's no
way i belong in there and and finally
like i was at a mastermind retreat where
they challenge you to go deep like not
unlike fitness but like on your life and
personal development and business
development which has been huge for my
recovery because i think a lot of times
when people get sober they're like ah
that's it like i'm not going to grow
anymore but for me
i'm like how can i keep getting bet i've
already accomplished things i never
thought i could accomplish like what's
next
and
so i remember getting a point at this
mastermind i was just like broken i just
like made a mistake and a girl i was
chasing around and didn't work out i was
like mistake after mistake in
relationships and i remember just
sitting there and everyone was like you
know i think you need some like faith in
your life i think you need some
spirituality and i was like
so
i don't know what made me do it but i
called my client the guy who was pushing
me to come to church i was like hey man
like i think i'm ready to give this
jesus thing a try and he was like super
excited so i remember getting down on my
knees in his office and praying my life
to jesus i acknowledge that he died for
my sins all this stuff
and i didn't really believe it you know
but i kind of was like you know what let
me try it and i remember the same monkey
that came off my back when i was like
smoking pot when i was you know escaping
life was the same monkey that came off
my back there i don't know what it was
but i remember walking out of there
calling my mom for the first time like
telling her i was sorry with something
i'd never done
and that's what really started my belief
that things happened for me and not to
me and as i look back you know i'm not
proud of all the stuff i did
but god was and that i know that i wake
up with purpose every morning that like
whatever it's meant to be is meant to be
and
i can't think the minute i think myself
and think that i like and know
everything is the minute i know nothing
i think that's when my ego gets in the
way
and i also think what it did for me was
i just realized that he was with me the
entire time
and i think a lot of times people just
they don't see that when they're in the
depths of despair they're like where's
god where where where and
you know i think he's there whether you
believe it or not i know sometimes it
doesn't seem that way when we're there
but you know if you just keep doing the
necessary things like having faith and
keeping one foot in front of the other
and hanging out with great people and
working out and taking care of yourself
like you'll you'll start to accomplish
things you'll start to look back and say
you know what like
i think he was there with me
yeah the whole idea of progress i think
is
really
powerful how do you help your clients
with that because i'm sure that a lot of
people when they first start there's
there's that chasm of i'm working really
hard but i don't see any results yet
maybe i'm not going to see results for
four weeks or six weeks how do you get
them to cross that that space is it just
showing them the number of people that
have succeeded before them or is it
something else it's helping them change
their mindset really and helping them
like really like
just look at how the progress that
they've accomplished so far remember how
far they've come and how far they have
to go is like one of the biggest things
i live by because like say they've
worked out for like four weeks and they
haven't they haven't lost as much weight
as they did but they were out of the gym
for like 20 years so i look at like
listen like you've worked out more in
the last four months and you have the
last 20 years like that's positive like
i i get them not to just look at the
scale because i think the scale is just
it's irrelevant to me really it's really
how you feel how you look in the mirror
like you look good naked yes or no i
mean really seriously i think that's
what it is
and
so i get them to kind of like forget
about the scale and just and work and
look at other things like how they're
feeling mentally and physically like you
know how many times they came to the gym
versus how many times they didn't before
and
and also that like if they quit on their
goal like it's not helping them feel any
better like and just trusting the
process being patient if they're they're
not seeing results as fast as they want
quitting isn't going to help them get
there so i just try to help them see
that just change their mindset change
their perspective be grateful you know
be as positive as you can be because
i think positivity is one of those it's
like one of those buzz words now like be
positive be this be that
which you can't be positive about
everything because there's some things
in life that suck you got to look at me
like well i'm 100 pounds overweight like
that sucks
but i think the key is being positive
about the way you're going about doing
things is what changes things because if
you're pessimistic and negative you're
not going to do [ __ ] and i think so many
people are afraid to look at themselves
in the mirror and realize that they're
the problem like they realize that
they're the ones complaining bitching
and moaning and that them being coddled
and sugarcoating everything is the
reason that they're not getting anywhere
in life are you hard on the people that
you train i am i mean because i can
relate to them because i think they
respect me about that because i have
been that kid who struggled with weight
i have been that cute who struggled to
fit in i have been that kid who wasn't
fit i had been that kid who struggled
with depression anxiety all this stuff
that a lot of people do to why they
embark on a fitness journey
and so they really like they align with
that and they know that i mean love when
i'm like hey like i'm not i'm not being
a good coach or i'm not holding you
accountable i'm not calling you on your
[ __ ] like it's not helping you i
mean reaching a goal sucks it takes a
lot of hard work
but not achieving the goal sucks even
more so choose your suck do you want to
suck by not achieving it or do you want
to suck by working hard putting in
passion putting in discipline commitment
and hard work and then achieving
something and that's how you build
confidence is you know tackling things
you never thought you could do trying
things and failing and getting back up
and keeping going and keeping going and
like it doesn't matter how many times
you get punched in the mouth it matters
how many times you fight back and i
think a lot of times tom like i love
this analogy because it relates to so
many people in l in a fight
if you and i were to sit here and um i
would just you were to start punching me
at random sucker punching me like would
i stand here and let you beat the piss
out of me like i would hope not right
but in life we let life beat the piss
out of us and we make our circumstances
even worse by when a negative event
happens we get depressed we feel pity
for ourselves or we turn to quick fixes
like drugs alcohol and it makes our
situation worse
so when you unpack the lair and you give
that tough love of saying you know what
like you need to [ __ ] change like you
need to look at yourself in the mirror
and stop being a victim stop blaming
other people and take ownership for
yourself and stop waiting for other
people to fix your life
i mean i think people like who really
want to change who really want to change
will align with that and i'm not saying
that that's the only way but for me like
i was just all ears for whatever i
needed to be told because i didn't want
to go back to jail
so
one thing that i really want people to
get is that you're very direct with
yourself you're very hard on yourself
but that you also have a deep love and
respect
and even i would say compassion for
yourself how do you foster those things
do you have a strategy a story you tell
yourself something you say like yeah of
course i mean there i mean
i always like try to like you know start
my day with some sort of affirmation how
i tell myself for you know your reading
and then it's like also like what i
surround my life with like you know
working out taking care of myself like
is the biggest i think one of the
biggest things you can do for self love
is showing that you love yourself enough
to invest in your body right and the
people i hang out with i hang out with
people that only challenge support and
love me unconditionally like i don't
have any negative nancies debbie downers
i don't have time for it like i always
say to people when they're trying to
change their friends i'm like well
if you knew about them what you know now
like would you still want to hang out
with them and if the answer is no then i
mean get them out of your life right
and i think it's also just gratitude and
just being grateful and just showing
love that like you know what doug you've
accomplished a lot in your life so and
it's always a dance between being hard
on yourself and like because i mean if
you're not hard on yourself it's really
hard to get stuff done and loving
yourself and being like you know what
it's okay like get back up
but i think they go hand in hand because
when you fall you got to have the self
love to say you know what it's okay you
tried get back up and then because in
the hard on yourself person i'll be like
you idiot you miss like stay down stay
down stay down and
um and i think it just also goes back to
the story you tell yourself inside your
head so i think our belief system about
ourselves can be so like hijacked based
on what people others say about us and
then we start to believe it whether it's
like you know you're ugly you're a [ __ ]
you suck you suck you're unathletic
you're on that and then sure enough if
it happens over years you start to
believe that about yourself if you have
no confidence in who you are and i think
the more you can own who you are
and just chase after your own dreams and
stop worrying about everybody else then
those things start to become lies when
people are saying you know what your
piece of [ __ ] you suck when you if you
know about yourself like that that's not
true i mean that's what self-love is
it's just really knowing truly inside of
you who you are
i want to go back to something that you
said about life beating the piss out of
us how do we stop that exactly
i mean you got to put the fire out
somehow you got to kind of look and
address the situation and say okay what
do i need to do
to improve and get past the situation
what's the solution what can i control
is that how you were thinking when you
first got out of jail you had the felony
conviction and you were applying for
jobs so i know that was a pretty rough
time for you well i knew there was a lot
i couldn't control i knew i couldn't
control if somebody said yes to hiring
me i knew i couldn't control you know
the way my parents treated me i know i
couldn't control you know what people
said to me but i knew the only thing i
could control is who i chose to spend
time with i could control
my my exercise i can control my work
ethic like getting down pounding the
pavement every day and knocking on doors
to get a job and how i felt about myself
my belief system and myself because i
knew tom that like even though when i
got out of jail like i really didn't
believe in myself all that much because
i had no real right to but i knew i had
to fake it till i make it like in that
sense that if i didn't i wouldn't be
where i am today
and i just knew i guess i got kind of
like lucky if you will in a way that i
knew that everything i did up until the
point i got into jail was so far wrong
that i had to try something completely
different if it was like whatever i did
before i was like what's the opposite
i'm going to do it oh i didn't want to
like hold a job or like bang on doors to
get a job like oh i'm going to do that
or if i didn't want to run i'll do that
and so when i talk to people
i just have to i tell them like listen
like
you have to like the more you can like
align the more you can narrow that gap
between what you want most and what you
do that's when success really happens
because we have we have great intentions
as people to change everybody wants to
change there's not one person that wants
to be a drug addict there's not one
person that wants to be 100 pounds
overweight the problem is
that we end up doing things because
we're looking so far ahead to the future
that we almost self-sabotage ourselves
because we're worrying so much with
what's going to happen in you know 5 10
15 years from now and we just really
need to focus on what we can do today to
make sure we become the best version of
ourselves what can i control today and
then tomorrow and then the next day it's
like life's a game of inches right and
it's like it's it's great to have five
10 15 year visions i think it's
important but not once does any of that
does any of that ever say
don't do anything daily just have the
goal and just do it it always comes back
to what you need to do in every single
day how do you break your days up like
do you have um
a list of things you should be doing or
goals that you write for the day like
how do you begin and really manage your
day-to-day existence
well i mean i wake up and one of the
first things i do is um you know drink a
bunch of water because i think you know
obviously staying hydrated is important
and then i like try to tackle like
whatever is the most important of my
late my my day to do whether it's um i
know i need some calls i need to make
whether it's some outreach i need to do
maybe it's following up with people via
email and that's like early early
morning like around five o'clock in the
morning
and then typically i have clients from
like seven to eleven in the morning so i
typically fast throughout the morning
because i love fasting too i think it's
great i feel so much better doing it
so i typically will leave the gym at
like 11 i'll go grab a workout and then
you know eat lunch or something and then
i'll come back and do some more work
between like the hours of like two and
four and then go back to the gym for my
evening clients and then i come home and
i just
i work on my personal brand side of the
business because i still train a lot of
people and that's like my my bread and
butter what i love doing but i'm also
like working on building this personal
brand up sharing my story more and so in
my spare time that's what i'd spend a
lot of time working on
i think
the thing that i find most powerful
about your story is the complete
reinvention of yourself like the
building of the new identity
the way you're talking about you know if
i
used to do that then i'm going to do the
exact opposite and understanding what
the most important things are that you
could be doing in your day and having a
vision for the brand and all that
how do you think of identity how do you
think of building it what advice do you
have like if you knew that somebody were
on drugs and they were going to try to
get off what advice would you have for
them about dealing with the emotions
that arise would identity play into that
um and just how do you think about the
construction of an identity
well i think you gotta look at your why
like why you're doing it because i think
when you have a strong enough why like
the what's in the house become
irrelevant you remember like why you
started right so like if somebody's
trying to get off drugs and they they do
and they
they say their reason is say because i
want to
you know
reestablish a relationship with my wife
or whatever it whatever it is
i mean that's like then they remember
like why they're not doing it to get off
drugs they're doing it to re-establish a
relationship with their wife they got to
get deep rooted in that issue of what
caused them to use drugs in the first
place whether it was trauma and what was
the trauma and what what behaviors you
know caused that you know what emotions
did that cause
and i think really like changing the way
you attach um behavior to emotion
because i think a lot of times when
people get stressed depressed anxious we
attach a certain behavior like for
instance if you've had a long day at
work and you're stressed you're drinking
a glass of wine or if you're depressed
you snort a lot of cocaine or i mean i
can go through a thousand things and
just changing that behavior you do with
that emotion and saying you know what
i'm gonna change
that you know instead of using drugs or
alcohol to manage my emotions i'm gonna
go for a walk i'm gonna meditate i'm
going to
um go to a movie with a friend whatever
it is
that they like to do because i think we
spend so much time worrying about what
everybody else is doing we've lost track
of who we are as a person right and just
looking within
whether that's in meditation or prayer
or journaling to really figure out like
the things we like the people we like
you know
where we like going and all that stuff
and then kind of filter that into your
life organically
do you have a way for people to find
that because i know whenever i give
advice like that people like but i don't
know what will work for me is there like
a set of things that you encourage
people to do like hey start journaling
10 minutes a day just write anything
that comes to your mind or meditate or
like what's that path
i mean i really think it's like they
they should make a when life like a when
life works list something like that like
when they're when they feel like their
life could be at the happiest and they
could be most fulfilled like what does
that look like what kind of things are
they doing what kind of people are they
hanging out with what kind of places are
they going to what are they doing on a
day-to-day basis and then that then you
can write that stuff down and then from
there you can just set goals and you can
you'll have you'll know where to go
because in order to get where you're
going you gotta know where you're at so
if you know the types of things and
ideally when you're writing stuff down
it's gonna be stuff you like doing it's
not gonna be like hmm what would tom say
or what would doug say it's like you
know what would x y and z say and then
they'll have like a plan and being able
to get from where they are to where
they're going based on that and i think
the more happy you can be with yourself
and the more you really find out who you
are and just getting through life the
more of your identity you become because
my identity 10 years ago is way
different than it is now my identity 10
years ago i was like man am i ever going
to be able to hold a job i'm a convicted
felon like how am i going to get through
this and now like my identity is quite
different so i just think it's like once
you really align with doing what works
in your life and making you the best
version of you possible
i think it gives you a shot to really
evolve in whatever identity you're meant
to have
super interesting how do you think about
bullying now like when i think about how
much your story goes back to that
and how pervasive bullying is now
especially with cyber bullying stuff's
pretty scary
do you have advice for people that are
struggling with that like how can people
mentally protect themselves
well i think first of all just know that
the way somebody treats you isn't a
reflection of you it's a reflection of
them right they obviously have some
stuffing does that really help like a 12
year old you know what i mean yeah truth
you're so right but like do i really
expect that to i mean i guess when
you're 12 years old i think it's really
important probably at that point to talk
to your parents and really be authentic
about telling them like the whole story
as much as you can and not hiding it not
being ashamed of it because i think a
lot of times as kids like and you're at
that age you're ashamed of it you're
ashamed of telling your parents to say
are they going to a believe me what are
they going to think of me what are other
people going to think when they
have to tell their parents like
because it sucks to like to do that but
you know it can save you years
of trauma it can save you years of
making you know poor choices to respond
and that on those unhealed emotions and
i mean i just think the number one thing
people should do when they're struggling
with any type of situation like that is
ask for help let's make this really
[ __ ] hard so i'm gonna put you in a
time machine and i'm gonna give you i'm
gonna give you 15 minutes it's enough
time to really sit down and you're going
to be able to sit down with your young
self they're going to believe it's you
they're going to actually believe that
that you are them in whatever 20 years
what do you tell them you only have 15
minutes
knowing that like if you say
um
[Music]
you know there's going to be certain
advice that you would give to them that
like you know hey don't worry about
trying to be like the cool kids they're
going to be like well [ __ ] dude you
obviously don't remember what it's like
to be 12. i've got to be cool otherwise
my life isn't worth living so there's
probably going to be things that they're
going to push back on what would you try
to convince them of
in 15 minutes
i mean that life's going to get better
if you believe it will that just having
that blind faith
that you know whatever is happening to
you right now is meant to happen for you
um for a greater good and i know it's
gonna it's tough right now for you to
hear that
but
you can either look at it two ways you
can you look at it that this like what
was me this is gonna happen this is
happening to me and i'm going to you
know blame everybody else and respond in
a way that's going to make my life worse
or i can acknowledge that i'm using the
situation to become a better version of
me to be able to help other people going
forward and i think with that it kind of
gives you a positive approach to it
where they can look at it and say you
know what like i'm going through this
pain right now i acknowledge i'm going
through it but it's going to be make me
one hell of a man growing up and that
ultimately is going to save my ass um
you know as i grow up yeah totally
tell people where they can find your
books where they can learn more about
you
so i mean i'm most most active on
instagram at doug underscore bopes and
then my books are all available on
amazon douglas.com i mean if anybody's
struggling wants to reach out i mean i'm
always happy to to answer questions and
help people where i can and
you know it's just one of those things
man that i'm just so grateful to be
alive and i'm just really thankful for
the opportunity here and you know i've
been following this show for a long time
and i just love what you're about i love
the the vision of this company and i
love the whole like get [ __ ] done
approach and it just so like really
really aligns with my mentality thank
you man
what's the impact that you want to have
on the world
i mean the impact i want to have on the
world is to help people
uh become better ver