Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
jealousy is one of the most powerful
directional signals on the planet
because you're only jealous of people
that are doing things or have things
that you actually want it's impossible
to be fake jealous whatever you're
jealous of is hitting something deeply
personal [ __ ] pay attention to it
instead of stewing in it go oh flip it
how could I take those things that I'm
really now really inspired by and take
action and go get them in my life
because the thing about jealousy is it's
just your inspiration that's
blocked Mel Robbins welcome back to the
show thank you Tom it's been four years
that's hard to believe I'm super excited
to have you back in this chair to talk
about your new book the high five habit
you have a really freaky way of taking a
concept that is deceptively simple
stupid I I won't say stupid but it could
be stupid in lesser hands how about that
okay and I really enjoyed the book the
part of the book that jumped out and
really grabed me there were two one
almost made me cry which we'll talk
about later because I I am very
surprised that I liked that particular
part I thought I'm gonna hate the punch
line of the story but is the Dallas Uber
driver oh so as somebody who has gotten
into countless Ubers and some small
percentage of them know who I am and
then of course they start asking
questions talk to me about chasing your
dreams and this quote that you have that
an aha moment does not necessarily lead
to an aha
life um yeah the Uber driver in Dallas
that's in this book um I get choked up
when I think about him uh an aha moment
why choked up I get choked up
because what happens for me every single
day is and you hear from people every
single day you've got millions and
millions of people that are inspired by
empowered by impacted by your content
there are people out there that use your
work as a lifeline and it is humbling
and what I
am really present to in the work that
I'm putting out in the stuff that I'm
sharing whether it's my failures or the
things that I'm using that are helping
me in my own struggles is just how much
people are holding themselves back and
how much pain people feel because most
folks know what they dream about and
what they
want and yet they're spending all of
their time and energy arguing against
what they want and so you can have all
these
epiphanies I hope that when somebody
listens to our conversation and watches
this that they have a massive aha moment
but it's not going to mean [ __ ] [ __ ]
if you don't take action and do
something about it the aha moment is the
door that opens but your new life does
not begin unless you [ __ ] step
through the door and most people and
that's what was
so kind
of you know the simple idea of
high-fiving yourself of encouraging
yourself of supporting yourself most
people when you have an aha moment and
the door to your new life opens
up instead of going I got this let's go
and highing yourself to step forward
most of us
go I don't know if I'm worth it I don't
know if right now is the right time to
do this I don't think I'm good enough
I've failed so many times I can't go
through that door and that's the problem
I want to attack right now that there is
somewhere in your life that you know
what you want you can feel it pulling
you and you are actively arguing against
it you're bringing yourself down you're
beating yourself out like people will
cheer for you and me they won't cheer
for themselves I'm the same way and so
this Uber driver the story that you're
talking about I get into the car and we
start driving and I'm on the phone as
were driving and I'm having a
conversation with somebody about this
daytime talk show that I launched which
was a dream with Sony Pictures
Television and then uh was promptly
fired after season one it was a huge
[ __ ] failure because we didn't make
it to season
two huge failure in real world terms
massive success when it comes to the
timeline of my life and so I'm talking
to this person about the talk show I
hang up the phone and this Uber driver
comes alive he's like oh my gosh I can't
believe you're in my cab and I'm like
why and he says because I I want to talk
to you about something I think you can
help me and I'm like great how can I
help you and he says I have a dream of
being a Oscar wining uh actor and
creating opportunities for other black
and Latino men to do the same in acting
and I'm like freaking fantastic what the
[ __ ] are you doing in Dallas right you
know the guy's 25 and so I I I go you
know the game is in New York and La I
mean sure you can act you can write
stuff you can be here in Dallas but why
are you not in La why are you not in New
York and he's like you're right you're
right you're right I need to move to LA
like why not and he says I have $700 in
my bank account I'm like that's freaking
fantastic you have $700 in a car dude
drop me off and get driving what are you
waiting for and so we have this whole
conversation and I write about it in
this book where I am actively arguing
for for his dream and he is actively
arguing against his
dream and what is so sad is throughout
this conversation Tom he's like you're
right $700 could get me there you're
right I am only 25 you're right if I
keep thinking and thinking and thinking
and thinking about what I want to be
doing I'm not only going to drive in
circles my whole life is going to spin
in circles as I think about what I want
and I don't do [ __ ] about it and then
are going to find yourself not at 25 but
at 45 or 65 and you're going to be so
filled with regret that you never
[ __ ] put a put a bet on
yourself and so this conversation ends
with him declaring that he's going to go
to California and me giving him a bunch
of tools that I talk about in this book
and the point of the story is does he
move or not I don't [ __ ]
know the point of the story is it's so
easy to see what somebody else should do
it's so easy to cheer for somebody else
we all do that right we cheer for our
favorite sports teams we follow our
favorite influencers and authors we plan
birthday parties for our friends we take
on extra work from our colleagues we
support everyone around us we do not
know how to do it for
ourselves yeah it's it's really an
interesting trick of the mind and like
you I have this similar sense of I want
to be able to want it for people yeah
and the one thing in my life that I am
very grateful for is that I know how to
build desire I know how to go down the
process of wanting something what what
is that process for you of Desire
because most what I found in this book
is here's the thing for most people and
I'm hoping that your process will attack
this what I've discovered that is
heartbreaking is the average person
cannot celebrate themselves cannot I'm
going to ask everybody who's watching
this to tomorrow morning stand in front
of the mirror we're going to unpack this
whole thing and try to high-five
yourself and most people really fast
give people the the science behind why
that's meaningful so I have this habit
of every single morning I stand in front
of the mirror and I take a moment and I
raise my hand and I give my reflection a
high five and there is so much science
behind this so instead of seeing
yourself right and have having this
moment in the mirror you know what the
average person does first of all we beat
ourselves down so I would look in the
mirror for 40 some years and be like oh
my God my freaking JS look like saddle
bags on a goddamn horse going in the
Grand Canyon my eyes have all my neck is
all these striped my boob one boobs
hanging lower than the other I look like
[ __ ] my gray hair like I start bringing
myself down and when you start going
down that road with your reflection then
your thoughts go to I didn't get to that
email I forgot to text Lisa back I oh my
gosh the dog still needs to be walk I've
got 9 minutes for my first Zoom you're
now checking out and that moment in the
mirror every morning could be a profound
moment where you lift yourself up and
you check back in with your intention so
the first piece of research and this is
recent from Harvard Business School is
that a simple moment in the morning
where you set an intention about who
you're going to be today impacts
productivity how you show up as a leader
it impacts your confidence it impacts
your mood all day long just that simple
moment of setting an intention so that's
research number one instead of standing
in front of the sink in your bathroom
and criticizing your appearance or
mindlessly going on autopilot check back
in and let's teach you to H make it a
habit to lift yourself back up second
piece of research and comes from a whole
field of study called neurobics
neurobics is like aerobics for your mind
I didn't make this up this is literally
you can speed up the development of new
neural Pathways by marrying physical
activity with a change in thought and so
traditionally I know you've covered this
on your show if you for example were to
brush your teeth I'm a right-hander if
you were to brush it with your other
hand and think
uh a new thought the fact that your
brain is focusing on brushing with your
non-dominant hand activates more focus
on the new thought it accelerates the
learning so you take neurobics a
physical activity with a different
thought and let me let's talk about a
high five for example what does a high
five mean to
you that somebody did something awesome
or I did something awesome correct and
if you think about the times in your
life when you've gotten a high five it's
because somebody's like Tom you're
amazing Tom get your attitude out of the
can you got this Tom you're going to
make this shot Tom we can still win I
believe in you keep going you have a
lifetime positive association with
giving other people high fives stored
right here in your subconscious mind
when you raise your hand to your own
reflection it is impossible for you to
think God I look fat boy am I an [ __ ]
I really screwed up my life you can't do
it because your lifetime association
with this motion is all I believe in you
I got you I see you I celebrate you and
so you in the moment of doing it
override Decades of negative selft talk
it's incredible now have you ever gotten
a high five where somebody misses the
hand or it's sort of like it sucks right
yeah what do you do when that happens I
redo it correct that's because a high
five requires you to be present and
there is an intention behind it so you
can't raise your hand to your own
reflection without now grounding
yourself in the moment that's just the
beginning of the research I can go on
about the NBA and that that was my
favorite part hearing about the NBA like
even now it's giving me chills like and
especially because we're recording this
still is everybody thought we were
getting out of the pandemic and now
we've got the the
variant now even I'm starting to worry
about the lack of physical contact and
like the cues that we each other through
touch like that so yeah this was one of
my favorite parts of the book I I Love
This research too because you know what
happened with the high five is look I
did this on a low moment for myself like
so my brand of self-help is Mel's life
is kind of [ __ ] up at the moment and
she can't figure out how to help herself
so she stumbles by accident on something
really stupid on its face and it feels
good and then I share it with my
audience and if they pick up on it and
they then I'm like okay we're on to
something so for me the high five Tom
began I'm fired from my talk show my
book contract is canceled every speech
has been cancelled my kids are now home
so we' got three kids 22 20 uh age 15
all in varying states of distress I am
triggered because my origin story as you
know from being on the show and us being
friends the 5sec rule was 12 years ago
losing everything and so I'm now having
this feeling like I'm about to lose
everything and I'm also feeling like I'm
losing grip on reality as the pandemic
is hitting and as my kids are in
distress and I don't know what to do
just like everybody on the planet I find
myself in my bathroom one morning in my
underwear and I am having this spiral of
negative thoughts I look like
[ __ ] I don't know how to fix this I wish
somebody would solve this for me I feel
overwhelmed I feel scared about my
parents health I feel scared about
everybody on the front
lines and even though I'm literally like
you somebody that empowers other people
I didn't know what the [ __ ] to say to
myself and as pathetic as it sounds I
found myself just raising my hand just
in a way to basically be like shut up
Mel come on girl you like put your
shoulders back lift your CH you you got
this
you can do this and something shifted
and I went on with my day and then the
next morning I walk into my bathroom and
this is the other weird thing about the
high five I've literally either
criticized myself or ignored myself in
the mirror for decades when you start to
have a moment with
yourself the crazy part is you start to
build a partnership with yourself that's
interesting like you know when you are
pulling out of your driveway or you're
walking down the street and you see a
neighbor and they greet you you will
start to have that experience when you
create this intentional moment with
yourself in the mirror every morning and
so as I started to do this I thought
this is actually making me feel like the
wind is at my back when I leave the
bathroom it's making me feel just like
when you leave a huddle in sports and
you high five or you're a runner running
a race or doing some big endurance
Challenge and some spectator high fives
you or another racer is like come on you
got this as you're dragging down love
it gives you a little energy like I
think too about this high five a lot
like I know you know you're friends with
David Goin I'm a huge fan of goggin and
so and I know there's a lot of people
that watch this show especially men that
are like this sounds kind of stupid this
is the equivalent of goggin's cookie jar
moment so we all think like we've all
been raised like tough love hard on
myself
this [ __ ] the research is clear on
this being hard on yourself is not
[ __ ] motivating it's demotivating and
if you already feel like a failure or
you feel a sense of shame or you're
overwhelmed beating yourself up for
where you are does not [ __ ] work it
drives you into the gutter the most
motivating force in the world on the
planet based on Research hands down is
empowerment encouragement support and
celebration and for our entire lives we
have outsourced that to somebody else
the research is very clear so the NBA
study they did this big study looking at
NBA teams and they could predict in the
study who was going to be in the
championship rounds based on in the
preseason what teams had the most
high-fives fist bumps and back paths why
because those kind of gestures create
partnership and trust and I'm here to
tell you when you start doing it in the
mirror you're creating partnership and
trust with
yourself and so you know one of the
things that I love about this is that in
a moment when you feel alone you can
give yourself the Boost the support the
empowerment that you need to keep going
and here's another piece of research
that's also like holy
cow you're a big proponent of the growth
mindset you guys talk about it all the
time on this show right so researchers
wanted to know what is the most
empowering way to motivate kids through
a really big challenge okay they divide
the kids into three groups this takes
the marshmallow test to a whole another
level you got one group of kids that are
doing a challenging task and they're
getting the fixed mindset praise which
we all know does not work oh Tom you're
so smart oh Tom I love your glasses
that's going to help you oh Tom you got
a great smile oh Tom you know I I just
love so much about you I know you can do
this so that's one group the second
group gets the growth mindset kind of
Praise Tom you are such a hard worker
Tom you're perseverance is unbelievable
Tom you just keep going that does better
obviously than telling you that you're
smart because it makes you motivated to
work hard the third group they just got
a simple high five the researchers
didn't even say anything to the kids
they just walked up gave them a high
five the group of kids that got a simple
high five outperformed outworked through
all of the challenges all of the other
forms of Praise why because a high five
is something deeper than praise it
fulfills your most fundamental needs as
a human being when somebody high fives
you you feel
seen you feel
heard and you feel like somebody has
acknowledged you for the unique person
that you are let's just talk for a
second about the things that go viral
you can always find going viral
a teacher standing outside of a
classroom doing what greeting kids with
individual handshakes and we see that
and we're like oh that's amazing why
because every one of those kids before
they walk into the classroom feels seen
they feel heard and they feel
acknowledged for the unique individual
that they are all through a simple
handshake or high five and one of the
reasons why I'm so excited about this is
because in starting to just kind of put
it out there very casually uh on the
story you know in the very beginning
because I've been researching this now
for a year um I started to get back all
of the objections that people had to
doing it and they're [ __ ] sad Tom and
this gets to the heart of why I think so
many people are
stuck one of the biggest objections that
people had to standing in front of the
mirror take a moment look at yourself
and then raise your hand as people said
over and over and over again
I haven't done anything worthy of
high-fiving high-fiving feels like a
celebration I don't have the number on
the scale that I want I don't like my
bank account I don't enjoy what I do for
a living I've made a shitload of
mistakes I'm struggling with trauma I
don't have anything to celebrate and
what I realized is people are making a
fundamental
mistake you are withholding the very
support empowerment and celebration that
you need to change and to do the hard
work and to face the things that you're
scared of and that's why you're not
changing this is so interesting so I'm
going to push you on this I'm super
curious because one of the things I love
about you is you're so blunt and honest
about hey if you want to have self-worth
you have to do things you think you're
worthy I'm a huge proponent of that and
yet I do recognize that you have to let
yourself off the hook to really get
started
so how do you help people anchor on
something is it just hey it's the
[ __ ] neurochemistry of the situation
you have to do it yeah pretty much
because if you can't stand in front of
the mirror and raise your hand and
high-five yourself just because you got
your ass out of bed and you're
breathing you will never get what you
want in life ever there is something in
the resistance to it and if you unpack
the resistance you will find the Reon
why you don't have what you want you
either think you're not worthy of it or
you think that it's kind of stupid or
you have been brought up to believe that
for women in particular you're going to
be [ __ ] or selfish or not likable if
you're celebrating yourself there is
something in the resistance to you
simply cheering for yourself so talk to
the person though that so as of right
now they they really believe the world
has shown them that they AR worthy it's
not like they question it they know it
to be true how do you help people cuz I
recognize that as a lie or even if it's
true it's useless but how do you help
people out of that moment so the first
thing that I would say is how is
treating yourself as if you're unworthy
helping
you like let's just get strategic and
common sense about it is the negative
[ __ ] you're saying and the support that
you're withholding helping you feel
better if it's not try this try
celebrating yourself five days in a row
literally try starting your day by
waking up and raising your hand and
high-fiving yourself in the mirror just
because you're breathing and see what
happens uh we have a a woman that wrote
To Us who's in a domestic violence
shelter she's lost everything she's been
in abusive relationships she has a
tremendous amount of childhood trauma
she is doing the high five habit and
here's what she had to say about it I
have nothing right now I have a
tremendous amount of evidence from my
life that I have [ __ ] everything up
but you know what this high five habit
is showing me I still have
me I can have my own back I can be here
for myself the world has told me and
convince me that I can't but every
morning when I stand here and I stare at
myself in the mirror and I raise my hand
in defiance of all the [ __ ] that's
happened to me I keep going I am saying
I believe in myself and when you have
that small reversal that small Act of
defiance and that's what it is if you're
like heavy and you're eating emotionally
or you're feeding your trauma when you
raise your hand and celebrate yourself
even though you don't like what you look
like it's an act of [ __ ] Defiance to
all the stuff that you have survived in
your life life and the best part about
it you don't have to [ __ ] say
anything and you know the reason why
this is so important is most montras are
complete [ __ ] because you don't
believe it you know it's there's a Hu we
all know we need to accept ourselves we
all know we need to love ourselves but
how how do you do it to your point when
you have a bunch of evidence stacked up
that you failed or reasons that you see
that make you feel like you've blown it
or you're not worthy of it I'll tell you
how you freaking raise your hand and
high- five yourself anyway because
beating yourself up will not make you do
the work to get healthy and tearing
yourself down over the [ __ ] that you've
done or the terrible relationships that
you're in it's not going to empower you
to change the patterns that are keeping
you stuck but raising your hand in an
act of defiance or a [ __ ] you to the
past that you survived and saying I'm
still here which means I still have a
shot to change my life that is what this
means there's another thing that you
talk about in the book that I think ties
this really well which is the reticular
activating system the RAS and you have
this thing uh which you say you look for
the hearts yes and it's really an
interesting psychological principle of
you're going to see what you look for
yes and whether that's a red Mazda or
whatever you say in the book or whether
that's a heart when you're walking
around whether that's a reason to love
your wife whatever um
if you look for it you're going to find
it and if it's a problem and a reason
that you're you know a dirt bag and a
reason that you're not worthy and all of
that you're going to see them and they
will be there for you and they will
overwhelm
you what is this idea of looking for
hearts what is that and how do people
use it okay so I love this tool because
obviously the high five in the mirror
it's like a trojan horse it's the
beginning of building this partnership
with yourself and throughout the book I
then unpack all these other little tools
and habits that you can use that are in
this Lane of empowerment support belief
and self the book and I want to take a
second to point this out the book is
Rich with a bunch of other ideas so
anybody that's tempted to say okay well
I've already heard the high five myself
and I'm done you did a really good job
of the and to be honest I'm not even
sure I guess because it was what
unlocked things for you in your life but
there's like 15 things that you could
have titled the book after yeah um so
anyway back to this so the reticular
activity system the RAS for short
um for if you don't know what it is
picture a hairnet over your brain that
is a live Network and the RAS is a
filter and it has a huge job and it is a
filter that blocks out 99% of the world
and lets in about you know
0.00001% and it is always changing there
are only four things Tom that get
through the hairnet on your head the
sound of your name and you've
experienced this because you've been
walking through a crowd and you're like
did somebody say my name right the coil
party effect cocktail party effect the
second thing that gets through is any
sort of threat so if you hear a loud
noise and you go like this there are
lots of noises you didn't hear but the
loud one you kind of duck because it's a
threat the third thing is when your
partner is interested in sex with either
you or someone else that's why you're
like why are you checking that person
out right you know because the brain is
letting that information in the fourth
thing and this this is where the
transformation
begins your brain will let in anything
that it believes is important to you the
zynic effect is the documented fact that
when something is important to you and
I'll explain what that means your brain
opens up a checklist in your mind and
now your brain once it puts this item on
your checklist it will store the
checklist in your subconscious it's
encoded in your Ras and your mind is now
on the alert to spot things related to
it the way that you make yourself feel
like something is important is your
nervous system goes on alert while
you're thinking about it you're either
super excited about something oh this is
super important or this is the trauma
effect you go on alert and you have
something really bad happen which is is
why things continue to bring it up
throughout the rest of your life so when
you understand that if something's
important to you your filter will change
in real time how you see the [ __ ]
world you now know how to change your
brain to work for you and looking for
hearts is the way I'm going to prove to
you that this happens I want to give you
one other example because everybody's
experience this if you've ever gone
shopping for a new car or you've dreamt
about having a new car what happens
immediately when you get excited about
that new car is your mind goes Z an
artifact oops okay Tom wants the new
Bronco that's cool so what do you see
now you see Broncos everywhere now they
were always there but your mind is
letting them in because the zigen art
effect is now made it on a checklist
it's changed the r and so I am going to
prove to you that it is unbelievably
cool that you can change the way that
you view the world by looking for
heart-shaped objects so tomorrow when
you wake up you're going to start your
day by high-fiving yourself in the
mirror I want you to examine what the
resistance about because you're going to
start to then un be able to unpack
what's holding you back then you're
going to go out in the world and just
like tell your mind I want to see a
heart today look for a rock look for a
leaf look in your like latte is there a
little shape there is there an oil stain
on the floor and when you see one stop
and go [ __ ] I I just
I like there's a scavenger hunt I I
never would have seen that before thank
you brain now your brain's like more
Hearts you will start to see hearts
everywhere and when you can start to
train your brain and realize whoa this
is actually a cool thing this is
high-fiving your mind when you can see
hearts you can now go wait a minute if I
can change what I see based on what I
tell it maybe if I got serious about not
constantly saying I'm a failure I
wouldn't attach that or see it
everywhere maybe if I got serious about
saying I can figure anything out this is
happening for a reason instead of I'm
[ __ ] you say okay I'm going to learn
something with this it changes the way
your brain filters everything and this
is such an important piece to the book
because we've all had the experience
where you love somebody deeply and you
see all their incredible at attributes
and all they see is failure or all they
see is the weight that they can't lose
and it doesn't matter what you say it
doesn't matter what kind of pep talk or
support you give them your loved one
still only sees what they hate about
themselves blame the filter in your
brain you have been bitching about your
appearance or the weight on your scale
the fact that you're a failure for so
long your brain believes it's important
to you to see reasons why this is true
and one of the things I got to say about
this in everything in the book is the
tools are simple Tom but it's super
important to say just because you change
and start celebrating yourself it's not
going to make the weight disappear
suddenly it doesn't change the number on
the scale overnight what it changes is
you and that changes your ability to
deal with the problems and the issues
you want to change in your life I have
some really uh counterintuitive ideas
bold stances on things which I found
incredibly interesting one of them is
jealousy and that not to just reject
that stuff off hand but that there's
actually information carried in those
strong emotions jealousy is one of the
most powerful directional signals on the
planet because you're only jealous of
people that are doing things or have
things that you actually want it's
impossible to be fake jealous whatever
you're jealous of is hitting something
deeply personal [ __ ] pay attention to
it instead of stewing in it go oh flip
it that's interesting I wonder why I'm
jealous what is it about it oh it's that
they're doing it consistently it's that
they've built a team it's that they've
aligned their work together so that
they're spending more time together huh
how could I take those things that I'm
really really now really inspired by and
take action and go get them in my life
because the thing about jealousy is it's
just your inspiration that's
blocked jealousy is sort of the
insecurity that you have that blocks
this inspiration I guarantee you back to
the Uber driver he's jealous of all the
other actors earning Oscars because he's
so inspired by the thought of doing that
in his own life life but his insecurity
is blocking action his fear is blocking
action so instead of it being
inspiration it shows up as jealousy and
I'm here to tell you the second you feel
jealousy freaking whoop stop okay let's
unpack that what exactly is it about it
and now if I were inspired by it because
there's enough success to go around for
everybody if I can use that as a road
map to then go figure out how I might be
able to do that for myself wow talk
about a GameChanger and now let's add in
the high five what if every time I took
a little step I celebrated myself for
just doing it now you're building small
winds and momentum in a Direction that's
meant for you that's how you change your
life yeah that to me getting people to
understand
that the idea that there's enough
success for anybody it doesn't matter if
you're copying somebody for no reason
other than the only thing that matters
in life is are you having fun is this a
joyful life are you working hard at
something that matters to you yeah and
whether or not it's even a carbon copy
of somebody else if you're having a ball
you've already won totally and getting
people to recognize like and this is why
I like your answer around at some point
you just have to accept you're
high-fiving yourself in the mirror
because the neurochemistry says that
that's what you need to do getting
people to understand neurochemistry is
the game and once you understand the
game that you're playing then you can
play it well but if you don't understand
the game then you're going to get stuck
and you're going to be stuck forever and
you talk a lot about taking
responsibility for that recognizing
nobody's coming to save you it's
something you said in the book it's
something that you've said in interviews
it's something that I absolutely think
is really powerful how do we use that
why is that important to recognize well
it's important to recognize because
first of all nobody is
coming I mean if you've been sitting
around waiting for somebody to discover
you to pick you to save you to rescue to
give you your shot it's not [ __ ]
happening like at some point you got to
wake up and realize when you're 18 and
you're out of that house you have to
parent yourself your life is your
responsibility and as a woman one of the
things that I found to be
extraordinarily transformational is when
I stopped in a very traditional sense
looking to my partner to be responsible
for
providing for me providing financially
providing the support providing when I
realized wait a minute it starts with me
I have to be able to figure out how to
make myself happy that's by the way the
secret to a happy relationship marry
somebody who's happy and work on your
own happiness preach and so when you
stop
Outsourcing your happiness your
validation your support all of it and
you bring it back in and you get
responsible for it it sounds scary it's
so liberating because you could do
anything when you're responsible when
you're the driver of your life when
you're not looking out to anybody else
to fix it for you can you ask for help
of course but the buck stops with you
you're the one that has to do the work
you're the one who has to push your own
ass you're the one who has to figure out
what makes you happy you're the one who
has to figure out and become self-aware
about what you need and then you're the
one that has to find whatever it is the
courage or being humble enough to ask
for help even if it's asking for help
from the biggest Ally that you have
which is the person staring back at you
in the mirror every damn
morning yeah I don't know why people
aren't more obsessed with their goals
it's like if my goals demand that I ask
for help then I'm going to ask for help
like I'm not even going to let anything
else get in the way I'm just so obsessed
with if my goal is exciting and
honorable then I should actually want to
achieve it and therefore whatever it is
that I need to do so Tom this is why and
this comes back to what makes has made
me really sad and deeply moved by the
kinds of things that people are
sharing most people aren't obsessed with
their goals because they don't believe
they're worthy of
them it's easy to dream about what you
want but in between where you are and
what want there's a tremendous amount of
stuff you got to change and do and if
you have a lot of trauma in your
background or you were raised by
somebody who beat the [ __ ] out of you or
told you you were a piece of [ __ ] or if
you've had to deal with microaggressions
or racist discriminatory systematic crap
your entire life you have been given the
message over and over and over even
though it's not true that you don't
deserve it that there's something wrong
with you and if you don't at some point
be defiant against what the world or
your caregivers or your past experience
has pounded into your brain incorrectly
unfairly you will forever be stuck with
that story you are not responsible for
what happened to you you survived what
happened to you but you do have a
responsibility to heal yourself and to
do the work to change so that you can be
the happy fulfilled person that you were
born to
be yeah that's really powerful because
it's the only thing that works and you
know thinking about so many people have
just immense things that have happened
that have been unfair and as you said
they didn't do anything to deserve it
but now what now you're there you've got
the trauma and no one can heal it for
you it's there's a name for it I think
it's called The Pedestrian problem it's
like imagine that you get hit by a car
and the driver was drunk and let's say
that the driver was Bill Gates and let's
say that um you win a
settlement but if the damage that
happened to your body can't be fixed
with all the money in the world and you
just have to do physical therapy then
it's like even though it is unfair that
you have to do the physical therapy you
there is no amount of money that you can
throw at it that will stop you from
having to suffer to build yourself back
up and I think a lot of people either
fall prey to trap number one which is
they don't think they're worthy or they
fall prey to trap number two which is
it's so unfair they just don't take
action right but they're nonetheless in
the situation that they're in and if the
whole punchline to life is
neurochemistry and feeling joyful and
you know being um excited about who you
are when you're by yourself then it's
like well you have to do the work even
if it isn't fair and that me especially
if it isn't
because there's two kinds of Prisons
that you can sentence yourself to or be
sentenced to right one is all the
physical [ __ ] you're talking about the
circumstances of your life the
circumstances of your body the
circumstances that are unfair and then
there is the mental prison and that's
the one you're in control of so people
can do all kinds of [ __ ] to you and you
can be born into situations that are not
uh Fair they're not safe they're cruel
it's unfair you didn't deserve it but
the real power that you always have is
how you react to it mentally I'm not
saying put lipstick on a pig and ignore
the very real problems you're saying
you're you're facing I'm saying it
begins with your mental attitude about
your own ability to face it and to
survive it and to move past it that's
what I'm saying cuz without that like
let's go back to the woman in the
domestic violence shelter who's had the
[ __ ] beaten out of her by Partners who
has immense emotional trauma stored in
her nervous system stored in the
neurochemistry of her brain she has a
extraordinary amount of hurdles to get
through in her life to heal to be safe
to break patterns that are associated
with the trauma that she's experienced
as a child the trauma that she
experienced in romantic relationships
the physical abuse she has issues
related to
Poverty can a human being survive those
things and change of course they
can it begins though with the belief
that you can and so when I come back to
this moment every single morning you can
have nothing and you can still have your
own back you can have
tremendous problems and very real
obstacles that you're facing and you can
have a mindset that says through my
efforts my attitude I can have an impact
on the situation that I'm in that's the
power that I have I can ask for help
because I believe I deserve it I can
seek therapy because I believe I should
heal because I deserve that I can seek
information from shows like impact
theory about how to break trauma
patterns about how to regulate my
nervous system because I believe I am
worthy of that when I raise my hand in
the mirror I'm basically saying [ __ ] off
to these people that hurt me because I
believe that I deserve better that's
where it begins it begins with you
self-confidence self-love self-esteem
selfreliance selfawareness it all has
the same self you have to
give yourself those things you want
validation give it to yourself you want
to be cheered for give it to yourself
you want to feel supported in life start
by giving those things to yourself
because the most important relationship
that you have is the one you have with
yourself and you work on it the least
it's the foundation of every
relationship you
have and so I believe that there are
simple things you can do from looking at
heart s which doesn't solve your
problems it proves to you that it's
possible to change the way your brain
works that's why I want you to do it
it's not going to take away poverty it's
not going to make you lose a 100 pounds
it's going to prove to you that [ __ ] you
do have power over the way your mind
works and when you get crafty about
training your brain you can do really
cool [ __ ] and when your attitude is
optimistic based on Research we know
that you will work harder and keep going
because you believe that it makes a
difference
it begins with these simple things
speaking of tricks that you can do to
get control of your mind in the book you
talk about what I'll call a pattern
interrupt forget the exact phrase you
use for it but you talk a lot about I'm
not going to think about that I'm not
thinking about that what does that mean
how do you do it why is it useful so
it's very it's what I started doing
before the 5sec rule 54321 because you
can count backwards to do the same thing
but a lot of times it's the pattern of
negative thoughts I'm fat I'm this I'm
that I'm the other thing I'm not good
enough I'm not smart enough or even just
worrying what if the Delta variant takes
off what if I don't go back to work what
if this happens what if that how is that
helping you exactly like there's
productive worry which is worry that
motivates you to take action and then
there's destructive worry which is worry
that makes you literally Circle the
Drain mentally you always want to
interrupt destructive worry or any kind
of destructive self talk so the second
you catch yourself going gosh I look fat
or boy I'm a loser there I go I failed
again you're like literally slap that
[ __ ] away like high five it away I'm not
thinking about
that I'm not thinking about that I'm not
thinking about that and you start with
I'm not thinking about that because if
you're so used to hearing I'm not good
enough there's no [ __ ] way you're
going to believe the Mantra I'm good
enough because the thing about mantras
are and this is why most mantras are
[ __ ] is they don't work unless you
believe them
and so there is power in creating what's
called a meaningful Mantra but the first
step to getting control of the negative
selft talk is interrupt that [ __ ] don't
listen to it I'm not thinking about that
I'm not thinking about that and then
what I want you to do so do that for a
day I'm not thinking about that I'm not
thinking about that if you have any kind
of thought that makes you feel bad that
you don't like I'm not thinking about
that the next day start to
notice what are the patterns in terms of
the thoughts that come up you know when
I was writing this book one of my
daughters talked about the fact that
she's constantly feeling like she's not
a good person and so for example she
missed a dentist appointment and because
she's constantly thinking I'm not a good
person missing the dentist appointment
becomes evidence see there I am again I
missed the dentist appointment I'm not a
good
person no are you kidding like if
somebody doesn't have the story if
somebody has a different story like I'm
a I'm a pretty good person I do my best
and you miss the dentist appointment a
lot of us are like oh thank God I can't
stand the dentist you know I'll pay the
I'll pay the $20 fee I don't have to go
you don't attach I'm a shitty person to
it and so she started using I'm not
thinking about that she's not ready to
believe she's a good person
yet because she's so used to saying I'm
not a good person so the first step is
interrupt the thing then take notice and
then you can start to create what I call
a meaningful mantra because now we want
to break the pattern by saying I'm not
thinking about that or use the 5sec Rule
5 4 3 2 1 and then when you're ready you
can create a meaningful Mantra to
replace it because any pattern is going
to repeat unless you replace it and so
meaningful mantras are things that you
can be like yeah I can believe that so
it might be ah I'm not perfect but I'm
trying H I'm not perfect but I'm doing
my best ah you know I screw up sometimes
uh but I'm not a a bad person you know
like those kind of things that are sort
of not like yeah superhero Mantra I'm
fabulous like most of us don't really
feel that way about ourselves so if you
just are like I'm doing the best I can
that's pretty empowering if you think
about it or I can I can learn I I can
learn from this or this is temporary
I'll be okay those sorts of things are
little ways to high-five your mind
instead of again going low you got a
choice do you take yourself down or do
you lift yourself up are you going
outside of yourself or are you coming
back in for what you need I want you to
come in and lift yourself up that's what
the high five habits about interrupt
yourself tell yourself an empowering
story that brings us to the second thing
that I mentioned at the beginning that
in the book it actually almost made me
cry I was like whoa I was surprised by
how much it hit me but I think you and I
tell very different stor
about the same story and that was the
thing that I found so interesting about
the painting oh walk people through that
moment I think it's worth telling the
story uh and then we can talk about how
you see it and how I see it and I I
think the the fact that we look at this
differently may be the whole punchline
well the fact that you almost cried um
and a robot was reading it to you as you
were having the transcript of my new
book uh read You by a robot is amazing
wait to hear me read it because in the
Audi book I sob through this story
really I'm not surprised like given that
it hit me in the robot voice as you say
oh my gosh okay so this is one of these
moments that's like a combination of
Science and the the zigen arch effect
and the r and wanting something so when
I was a senior in college at Dartmouth
it was
1989 uh my parents came to see me and we
went to this m in Vermont and I walked
into this famous Mill called Simon
Pierce and there in the restaurant on
the wall with this was this massive
painting Tom and it was the size of a
door and I saw it and I immediately was
drawn to it and this is another thing
about this book I believe that what's
meant for you is trying to reach you
that you are neurochemistry DNA
energetically aligned with something
things and purposes and passions that
just call to you and for whatever reason
in 1989 is a you know 21y old person I
am now finding myself I'm not in the
restaurant I am literally standing in
the painting I can hear the geese the
the grasses blowing in the wind I'm in
the field that is depicted and then all
of a sudden I come back to I'm back in
the restaurant I'm like I am going to
own this
painting zart effect right there this is
important to me I have a a full body
sensation I lean forward oh my God it's
$3,000 not today not today that's it I
go back I have dinner but here's the
thing once something's important to you
it never leaves your mind if you always
dreamt about being a singer songwriter
and you never did it you will be haunted
by that at the age of 70 because it's
still right here stored in the back of
your mind it's something that's meant
for you that's trying to call to you you
see your dreams you either pursue them
or they [ __ ] haunt you so this
painting like imprinted itself on me and
for years I would think about it anytime
somebody would say the word Vermont or
there was like handblown glass that was
kind of heavy at a bar I'd think about
this painting now my life goes on cou
like almost a decade passes I get
married to my husband Christopher and
we're going up to Vermont and uh we go
to the mill cuz I want to see if the
painting's still there and we go all
around the mill and the artist is still
there Gail Gail sheeper but my
painting's gone and here's the
interesting thing Chris was more
disappointed than I was because I was so
sure that at some point I would have
enough money to track down the person
that bought it that I would at some
point whether it was 70 years 60 years
that some point I would own it now it's
interesting because there were other
areas of my life where I did not have
this assurance but there was something
about this painting I kept an open mind
I believed it was possible even when I
wasn't doing anything about it so a
couple more years pass I turned 30 and
my husband asks everybody to just chip
some money into an envelope and he hands
me an envelope full of $500 I
immediately think about the painting now
keep in mind $500 isn't going to buy
[ __ ] by this artist at this point I'm
pregnant I should probably buy a crib or
stools for our new house but I pick up
the phone and I call the mill and I'm
like I would like to buy a piece by Gil
Shepard and I tell him my bud the guy
kind of clears his throat and it's like
well I can send you Polaroids of the
small pieces and then I'm embarrassed
and I say by the way there was this one
piece and I describe this painting as
best as I can remember it in full detail
and the guy
goes well that was before my time but I
bet Gail will remember and I'm like Gail
you know Gail he's like of course I know
Gail she lives down the street here's
her
number so I eventually call
Gail and we have this amazing convers a
and I say by the way there is this one
painting almost 10 years
ago big Vermont landscape a stand of
popps down the center grass blowing on
either side and I could hear her
thinking and she said you know M over
the years I've done so many large format
paintings I'd hate to guess which one it
was and be wrong how about this why
don't we meet at the Mill we'll walk all
around I'll tell you the stories behind
the paintings
and then if you don't like anything
there I'll take you back to my studio
and you can look at what I'm working on
if you don't like anything there then uh
you can look through my slides and maybe
just maybe you'll be able to find this
painting that you saw over a decade ago
so I am like on fire now we go to the
mill we meet her and her husband she's a
phenomenal we're walking around and Tom
as we're walking around and people are
coming up to her I'm realizing I'm
[ __ ] like I can't afford any of these
paintings I am with somebody that I ADM
admire like it'd be like meeting your
favorite basketball player and knowing
you can't afford a ticket to the
game and we sit down and she says now
that we're sitting down I have something
to tell
you and she says there has only been two
times in my entire life that I have done
two studies of the same scene at the
same time your painting is one of them
it's a
pair and the sist