Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
hey everybody welcome to another episode
of impact theory today we're going to be
talking all about self sabotage and how
to get unstuck this is something that
comes up a lot in people's lives and i'm
excited to talk about this because the
great news is trust me my friends no
matter where you're at in your life you
can absolutely make a change i know that
sometimes it feels overwhelming you
don't know where to go you don't know
how to orient yourself and move in a new
direction but we're going to cover all
of that today all right now let's get
straight to the questions
i have lived my life chasing this dream
of being a writer when i speak about
writing i get choked up and overwhelmed
with beautiful intense emotion this has
to mean something but then all of time
keeps passing by and i'm not writing
what i know is lying dormant inside of
me how can i be so passionate and so in
love with something and yet so afraid
right this is an amazing question around
this idea of self-sabotage for a long
time i really struggled with do people
actually self-sabotage themselves
and
this is exactly the way that i think
people end up getting into that
self-sabotage which then creates that
feedback loop where they're feeling
incredibly stuck which is you love this
thing and you have this emotion there's
something there man i love it i want to
lean into this yes
then you get into the nitty-gritty of
actually doing it
and all of a sudden you're facing every
insecurity and every fear that you have
and now all of a sudden that intense
emotion that you felt that wonderful
desire to succeed that
feeling of whoa i can do this man i've
got it become self-sabotage because you
suddenly aren't sure that you're
actually going to be able to make good
on that and the idea of this thing that
you want so badly possibly being out of
your reach forever is the thing that
makes you just not want to deal with it
so you get involved up to the point
where you're feeling that great emotion
then when you feel ah any of that
resistance you back off you get out of
it you allow yourself to be distracted
so that
you never have to answer the question of
whether you could be good or not it's
always something in the future well it
didn't work out today but i can just
write tomorrow
this is why
getting married to lisa ended up being
one of the greatest things that i could
do for my success forget like the love
and the joy that she's brought to my
life from that angle just being
successful i do not know who i would be
if i had never met her because when i
proposed her father-in-law did not want
me to marry his daughter he was very
concerned that i wasn't going to do
anything with my life and rightly so
because at the time i was laying in bed
four to five hours a day every day
and was not implementing the drive that
i needed to get good at what i was doing
and it's for this very reason that if i
put it off until tomorrow i didn't have
to face that maybe i'm not ever going to
be good enough but then being in that
position where i propose her father is
nervous i'm not going to make anything
in my life i remember thinking to myself
oh my god there is now a witness to my
crimes whereas before
when there was nobody in my life if i
messed up i only took myself down and so
i could just always oh tomorrow tomorrow
tomorrow it'll be fine tomorrow i'll do
it tomorrow and now all of a sudden it
was like yo this person was hitching
their life to me and we were going to do
this together and so now
if i didn't live up to what i was
telling her i was going to drag her down
with me and so all of a sudden it really
mattered that i find a way to the other
side of this and by putting it off till
tomorrow i really was sabotaging
myself because if you want to get good
you must face
all of those
problems all of those fears you have to
be willing to fail and i'll get more
into that
later
but you have to be willing to fail and
if you're not willing to fail if you're
not willing to embarrass yourself then
you're really going to struggle and so
having that realization of whoa i'm
actually holding myself back because i
don't want to face the reality that i
might not ever be good enough at this
thing because i had not yet realized
that i actually wasn't good yet wasn't
good yet
and that if i was willing to put the
time and the energy into getting better
then i could and so it was all about
recognizing that i can get better that
brain plasticity is real and that the
more time and energy i put into getting
good i actually will get better and so
you have to push through that you have
to hold on to that excitement that you
have about how awesome writing is or
whatever your dream is that it really is
exciting to you but now you have to go
through this desert of getting good that
it is going to be painful that it is
going to force you to face your
inadequacies
but that if you're willing to face them
head on you can actually get better
and that's how you get unstuck
ultimately i mean that's going to be the
punch line here that's how you get
unstuck that's how you stop
self-sabotaging is accept that it's okay
to not be good enough
yet and that you're going to put in the
time and the energy to get good and it
takes a long time
it takes a long time people peg it at
somewhere between seven to ten years to
get a baseline of mastery so unless
you've been and that's full time unless
you've been pouring yourself into
something full-time for a decade you
haven't even begun
so that's where it starts that's how you
begin to back out of this
self-sabotaging death loop
all right guys if you're going to unlock
your potential and achieve everything
you've ever wanted you're going to have
to constantly be making progress towards
your goals so what do you do when you
get stuck the bad news is getting stuck
happens to everyone at some point it's
pretty much unavoidable but the good
news is that if you're willing to take
action there is a framework that you can
follow to get back on track if that
sounds familiar or if you're stuck in a
rut and not achieving your goals as fast
as you want i've pulled a class out of
impact theory university that you need
to watch right now it's called six steps
to getting unstuck and you can watch it
for free at unstuck.m
inside i'll teach you about how to use
cognitive reframes my four-level value
stack to becoming unstoppable as well as
the single most important thing to start
doing today
to regain momentum to watch this free
preview for impact theory university go
to
unstuck.impacttheory.com
i'll see you on the inside guys alright
take care and now back to the episode
hello tom i get up every day with the
exact plan of my day yet procrastination
kills me from taking action how do you
take action towards doing the thing that
you know you should be doing to reach
your goals even when your mind is
demotivated lazy and switches to
procrastination mode and you end up
feeling regretful by the end of the day
all right
you need a goal
and that goal needs to be two things
exciting meaning you just like it there
is something about it that you find
motivational exciting whatever and then
the other part is it needs to be
honorable now honorable means that it
elevates not only yourself but other
people
the reason those two things are the
guaranteed one-two punch of success is
getting motivated is all about managing
your neurochemistry it's about knowing
how you wanna feel
figuring out the things make you feel
that way making sure that that feeling
is incredibly elevated so that you
really chase after that feeling the
reason that people do drugs is to
modulate their neurochemistry now the
great news is that you can modulate your
neurochemistry without needing to do
drugs but it requires you to invest
emotionally in things that matter to you
now the number one problem i see when
people are procrastinating is they are
not very excited by their goal
you have to take the time one to figure
out what it is that you like
what are the things that you respond to
kevin kelly has a really fascinating
idea that he calls not prematurely
optimizing you don't want to prematurely
optimize you don't want to pick a life
path
until you've explored and understand
what the things are that you get a
natural response from now
it's just going to be some degree of
like i like this thing it isn't going to
be oh my god the heavens open up and it
becomes clear what i should be doing
with my life it is way simpler than that
it is something that gives you more
energy than it takes now once you find
the thing that gives you more energy
than it takes now we can begin investing
in that and we go back to that initial
idea of i'm excited by my goal which is
very clear i know exactly what i'm
trying to accomplish
and it's honorable
now when you're doing something that
elevates other people you get in a
positive feedback loop because what
happens is you work hard to gain a set
of skills
that allow you
to move towards this goal that's
exciting and honorable and then you
start getting feedback from people
because achieving your goal even
pursuing your goal is helping other
people
by helping other people
you get positive feedback because you're
getting that positive feedback the next
time you want to lay on the couch you
need only think of them and the way that
it makes you feel to help people to
elevate to push yourself to go and get
something done
all right that's the high level thing
then you want to put rules into your
life so that you don't end up wasting
time so that you catch yourself so for
instance the reason that i don't ever
find myself just laying around is
because i have a rule monday through
friday if i'm awake i'm either working
or working out now
i've been very careful to make sure that
the things that i'm working on are
moving me towards that goal that's
incredibly exciting and honorable so i'm
getting all the feedback from people by
getting good at this thing and adding
value to their lives and it was already
exciting i just found it interesting in
and of itself and then
i have invested emotionally over and
over and over focusing on the people
that i'm trying to help telling myself
i'm trying to help these people telling
other people embodying the emotion that
i want to feel and then i've got my
rules to fall back on i get out of bed
in 10 minutes or less monday through
friday if i'm awake i'm either working
or working out and those two rules as
deceptively simple as they are when
combined
with a goal that excites me
and then the feedback loop of actually
being able to help other people creates
this thing where i get so much juice out
of it now you're gonna have different
rules maybe for you it isn't that monday
through friday you're either working or
working out maybe it's monday through
friday if you're awake you're either
spending time with your family or you're
working or working out whatever like
you're gonna make different allowances
for the things that matter in your life
but as long as you're doing those things
in their order of how you value them in
your life like you might say
monday through friday if it's between
the hours of 8 a.m and 5 p.m i'm working
if it's between the hours of 501 and my
bedtime i'm spending it with family rad
now you've optimized your life for the
things that matter to you you don't need
to try to match my rules you just need
to know your value system and put it in
order build rules that allow you to
actually accomplish that and then hold
yourself accountable
and if you're still not doing it at some
point we have to own that you just don't
want it badly enough and then we have to
refocus on desire is there something
that interests you enough that you can
work that loop of creating that
emotional connection in your life
and then that's where to start
all right next
i've been struggling for years with
self-confidence i have so many great
ideas and gifts i would love to get out
there and expose but my lack of
confidence always catches me somewhere
between start and the middle and i give
up because in my mind i'm going to fail
anyway how do i ignore the habitual
negative thoughts and push through all
the resistance okay you're not going to
ignore the negative thoughts because
they're going to come for you whether
you want them to or not
here's what you're going to do you're
going to recognize
a fact
of the human condition it's part of the
physics of being human there is no way
around this
it is for better or worse the way the
world works and that is
failure
is the most information rich data stream
that exists
meaning
the very nature of success is that you
must fail and not fail once or twice but
you must fail over and over and over and
over and over because it is only in that
iterative process
that you are able to improve because you
need the information okay so
i mean take a child right
you don't stand up for the first time
and just start walking you have to get
up try something wobble fall down figure
out how to balance hold the couch fall
over not hold the couch fall over get
back up and you start to realize okay
cool i see how i do this and by the way
the muscles are forming so the muscles
that you're going to need in order to be
able to hold yourself up will only form
if you actually get up and try to walk
and fall over and over and get back up
now
we stop doing that when we're young but
the world doesn't stop working in that
way the very things you need to learn
how to do the mental muscles
that you're going to need to develop in
order to do the things that you want to
do are only going to be developed by
doing the thing
so then you're taking that feedback of
the failure and you're refining your
process you're getting stronger you're
getting more nuanced and how you can
handle that situation but it only
happens if you're willing to do that
thing and necessarily fail
now we can talk about hedging the
downside which you want to do there's no
reason to have catastrophic failure that
actually injures you
financially or
you're putting yourself in a position
where you could really damage your
career prospects or something like that
but
the vast majority of the mistakes you're
going to make are going to be
very small in nature and what they're
really going to do is embarrass you
and you're going to hate that feeling of
failing publicly in front of other
people
but if you understand that that failure
taught me something that i must do that
over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over in
order to get better
then you will realize that this is how
on a long enough timeline i'm going to
win
so once you believe that
that the only way to get better is to be
willing to fail and learn in that and
that all of that knowledge stacks into
skill set that actually lets me do
things that other people can't do and
the only way to get ahead in my life is
to do things other people can't do and
so i must fail in order to become
capable of doing what other people can't
do therefore i have to look at this on a
longer timeline not worry about my
momentary embarrassment which will
happen over and over and over and that
negative voice in your head is trying to
protect you from the feeling of that but
you have to lean into that in order to
actually be successful so then you get
to the point where you it's not like you
want to be embarrassed but you are so
hungry for the improvements that the
embarrassment temporarily is meaningless
and so the phrase that i repeat to
myself
that helps me through this
is on a long enough timeline i can beat
anyone at anything now it's almost
certainly a lie
but it's an empowering lie that gets me
to get up and take action and know that
that lie is actually based on something
incredibly true which is whoever is
willing to fail the most and face the
most embarrassment to garner the skill
set
will ultimately win
because success is a game of attrition
most people give up most people don't
even start because they're so afraid of
being embarrassed and that feeling of
being a loser or that other people are
going to think you're dumb or whatever
they never go and they never get that
momentum and because they don't get that
momentum they're never able to achieve
the things they want to achieve so
get really good at facing that
embarrassment and you can really propel
yourself forward
emotions should never stop you from
achieving your goals so if you feel
stuck overwhelmed low on confidence
you're beating yourself up or you feel
like you're not deserving of the things
you want in life i have something to
tell you emotions are not facts and you
should never let them hold you back and
yet i find that people do this all the
time they mistake that feeling for
objective truth and it sends them this
downward spiral
[Music]
reaching greater levels of success in
life means knowing how to use your brain
and if you're in a rut right now or if
you've been struggling for a while to
achieve your goals then i've pulled a
class from impact theory university to
help you get back on track it's called
six steps to getting unstuck and it's
for anyone who wants to know the exact
steps to achieving big goals when life
puts challenges in your way if you want
to check it out go to
unstuck.impacttheory.com to get access
it's a free preview alright guys i'll
see you on the inside now let's get back
to today's episode
my snag happens because what i really
want is the feeling of freedom and
pleasure i believe having more
financially will allow for more freedom
and pleasure but success requires
discipline and planning which inhibits
the feelings that i'm after i feel like
i'm missing out in the moment by chasing
success do i just come to terms with it
or break out of this cycle of thinking i
feel stuck okay
so
the reality is
that those who can delay eating the
marshmallow the longest do the best
because you're right delaying
gratification is an absolute superpower
now one of the most extraordinary
experiments was done at stanford
university it's called the marshmallow
experiment there's a whole book written
on this utterly fascinating they've
followed the participants in the study
for like 25 years
absolutely incredible they bring these
kids into a room they give them a
marshmallow and they say hey you can eat
the marshmallow now if you want but
if you wait until i come back
then i'll give you two marshmallows so
it's basically double your money it's
not going to be that long
now what the kid doesn't know is that
the researcher isn't coming back and
they just want to see how long the kid
is going to wait until they eat it they
do eventually come back but they leave
them really to struggle for quite some
time
and
what they found was the kids that could
come up with games whether singing to
themselves not looking at the
marshmallow whatever the kids that were
able to delay the gratification the
longest ended up doing the best they got
the best grades they got the highest
paying jobs they had the most successful
relationships now the reason that that
works is in any one moment if you're
just operating
around optimizing for momentary mind
states brain states neurochemical states
then you're always going to be in
short-term thinking you're always going
to get short-term results if however
you have this
goal that excites you and is honorable
and
you're able to push through all the
boring stuff and all of that then what
you get is a set of skills that allow
you to do things other people can't do
and as we established in the last
question if you can do things other
people can't do that is by its very
nature success and you will be rewarded
in a way that other people will not be
rewarded because they can't do the
things you do and as long as the things
you do are valued by society then you
are always going to do very well
but that ultimately is the key you have
to be able to delay gratification now
for me understanding that that was
the nature of things that if i can delay
my momentary wishes for something longer
term then i could get these
very different results that separated me
from other people and because i'm
excited about what i'm pursuing i use
that excitement as my trick to stay
focused when things get boring and i've
said many times that boredom kills more
entrepreneurs than failure
so everyone will tell you that fear of
failure is what stops people and that is
a huge deal but honestly like i think
it's the fact that people don't want the
outcome badly enough to fight through
all the boring painful stuff that you
have to go through to get to the other
side to ultimately be successful so
make sure that you are hyped up on your
goal if you're not then you're not going
to be willing to go through all the
difficult things
all right
hey tom can't tell you enough how much
you mean to this community well thank
you that's very kind i am totally hooked
on all things impact theory
but also guilty of self-sabotage i feel
like i am highly self-aware and know i
can break through old
synaptic patterns in my brain of
self-limiting behaviors my question is
this do you employ a version of mel
robbins five second rule and what can
you expand on that approach thanks all
right so anybody that doesn't know mel
robbins five second rule one go watch
the video that we did together
where she talks about how motivation is
garbage and you just need something that
propels you forward and gets you going
over that initial fear that initial
hesitation and she walks through the
science of something very simple about
counting backwards so five four three
two one and then you just get up and get
going
i don't use that at this point in my
life because i've dealt with all the
things that i needed to around
excitement and making sure that i want
to pursue my goals making sure that i
have rules in place making sure that i
want to feel about myself a certain way
and i can only feel about myself that
way if i adhere to the rules and achieve
the pursuits that i want because i don't
hold myself accountable to getting
something
but it matters to me a lot whether i'm
sincerely pursuing that thing so sincere
pursuit is a big deal in my life now had
i discovered mel robbins or i should say
had mel robbins been putting out amazing
content like that for me when i was
struggling with that then i have no
doubt that i would have found that very
useful
but unfortunately the self-help industry
was not what it is today uh and so that
stuff didn't exist uh when i was going
through it at least not in in the
quantities that it exists now or the
ease of access for that matter
but the things that i've walked through
in this episode those are the things
that i use i think it is incredibly
important to be excited about what
you're trying to accomplish i think it's
incredibly important to have rules in
your life that you adhere to and then
identity is a big part of it so one of
my secret weapons
is that i know
that what matters in life
is how you feel about yourself when
you're by yourself
and that how you feel about yourself
when you're by yourself is largely a
function of your identity what you
believe to be true about who you are
and i know that it is critically
important to earn credibility with
yourself
and to earn credibility with yourself
when you say you're going to do
something you must do it and if you
don't then you won't have credibility
with yourself you won't
be able to respect yourself and
unfortunately you probably won't have a
lot of self-worth
one of the keys to developing self-worth
is to recognize
what you think is worthy
and then to do that
and so doing that thing is going to
become
incredibly important
uh
and that's why i have these rules in my
life that's why i focus on identity now
there's a statement i use to understand
where my identity is which is i'm the
type of person that i'm the type of
person that when i say i'm going to get
out of bed in 10 minutes or less i
actually get out of bed in 10 minutes or
less now that makes me feel good about
myself
i'm the type of person that
believes so much in what he's building
that monday through friday if i'm awake
i'm either working or working out
right so you
build these identity statements into
your life that when you adhere to them
they make you feel good about who you
are they represent something in your
value system that you believe to be true
and worthy
and when you do that and then you adhere
to those things then you're going to
feel way better about yourself and the
desire to capture that feeling about who
you are over and over and over becomes
the very thing that propels you out of
bed and gets you going and moving
towards your dreams so i cannot stress
the importance of that enough
all right guys that's it i hope that all
of those answers give you things you can
do right now today to be highly tactical
speaking of things that are highly
tactical if you haven't already be sure
to subscribe and until next time my
friends be legendary take care peace