Kind: captions
Language: en
if you find yourself wanting somebody to
admit that they are wrong already the
energy is in the wrong place
are you ever doubting that they're
really happy for you
why don't we want to follow this guy and
the reason because he was arrogant and
he didn't listen and he didn't give us
any ownership of everything everything
was about him
with a smile you will be shocked how
much you can change somebody's demeanor
when people start treating us
differently because of that first
impression
then we start to act differently
so now when we can explain each other's
sides we can stop the scope creep of the
argument we can keep things just to the
facts
i know about humans that the more
they're being defensive the more they
feel attacked the more they feel
attacked i know that their self-esteem
is on the line here this feels like an
attack on them as a person not an attack
on their ideas so even though for you
this is about just we're just discussing
facts here for them their whole world
view may be under attack and they're not
going to be able to acknowledge that so
if this is an issue where you have to
achieve common ground and you can't just
say
you know i've essentially i've tried
and walk away and save yourself that
aggravation if there's some reason like
this is a business discussion or we're
talking about raising how we're going to
raise our kids or whatever where there's
no way to just agree to disagree and
walk away like we actually have to come
to a conclusion
then when you're in that moment asking
questions can be really powerful
so if somebody makes
an assertion then just say
what's that assertion based on and then
if they're like they're giving you
something that's feelings then what i
will do in a moment like that is i'll
say i just want to lay down some
you know base assumptions or parameters
that we can agree on
and then i'll say
can we agree
that neither of us are experts in this
field yes we can agree on that okay does
it seem sensible for us to appeal to an
expert opinion on the subject yes it
does
can we mutually agree on who an expert
is
now if we can agree on who an expert is
as defined as somebody who's had success
in that area three times or more then
it's like okay well let's go see what
the experts say on this or let's get
multiple experts we'll pick three of
five and see if you know there's
consensus on the issue or if we're in a
company if there's somebody else in that
company that's a recognized expert in
that field what do they think but some
way to lay essentially the groundwork
for how we're going to determine what is
and isn't accurate how do we break up
with a friendship when it's been too
long and the biggest thing that happens
with friendships is they do go stale
and that's a very weird thing to say but
there are people i'm sure you could
think of someone in your life where
every time their number pops up on a
text message you're like oh
it's been a while i better call them or
you know you see them out of convenience
or out of location and i think that
those are the kind of friendships that
really drain you
there's actually a study that was done
on ambivalent relationships yeah this is
so interesting yeah i'm thinking about
ambivalence a lot so
toxic people we get it right we all
understand that we want to get rid of
toxic people that's more obvious the
real danger i think is ambivalent
relationships so these ambivalent
relationships are the people where
either you don't know how you stand with
them so you don't know if they like you
or not and they're also the people where
you don't know if you really enjoy
hanging out with them or not have you
ever had that yes
and you're like am is this gonna be fun
was that fun is this fun um and i think
those are the ones that take the more
energy there are also the more dangerous
ones because they tend to creep in and
stay in
so the whole notion of frenemies i find
really really intriguing and this is
something certainly that i've dealt with
in my life and it was weird to me how
until i read that
that it didn't register why that would
be so insidious
so what the study what the science says
they did a research study with police
officers and they asked police officers
to identify the amount of toxic people
in their workplace and the amount of
ambivalent people and they found that
the police officers who had more
ambivalent relationships
were sick more often had less happiness
at work and didn't like their job as
much than police officers who had toxic
people just
just think about that for a second and
the reason for this is because if you
have a toxic person boundaries are easy
they ask you to go to lunch and you're
like no thanks
right like you know it's a no thanks
where's an ambivalent person asked you
out to lunch or ask you their birthday
party or you know ask you to work on
something
it takes this mental energy where you
have this thing where you're like
like will it be good would i rather eat
alone at my desk or would i rather have
lunch with this person and when it's not
always easy that's an incredible drain
on our emotional energy and if you are
an introvert or an ambivert an ambivert
is someone who is kind of splits between
extroversion and introversion
your energy is finite and our mental
space is finite and this is something
that i did not realize until much more
recently i thought that mental space was
sort of endless right you could learn
forever
you could think about things forever but
actually we only have a certain amount
of mental time every day and if we're
dedicating that to trying to figure out
if someone likes us or not which is a
very important thing we all like to be
liked whether we admit it or not that i
think is a waste of mental energy why
would we want to spend it towards that
and that's why i think ambivalent people
are more dangerous do you have a
checklist because i'm like thinking back
to the people that managed to become
frenemies in my own life
it's kind of scary how long it took me
to be able to put that label on them to
like sort of wake up to the fact that
either they always were or the
relationship had evolved to that like
years right years i know
so i don't have a checklist it's
actually just one simple question all
right let's hear it
are you ever doubting that they're
really happy for you wow that cuts right
to the heart of it
i mean that's it and that that happens
actually quite often like there are
these people who make these very passive
aggressive comments we're like
was that nice or was that mean
if you're ever questioning that that
means they are not truly happy for you
or if you have a piece of really good
news they a really true good friend will
mirror and match that excitement with
you someone who's not as happy for you
will come in with dream killer questions
you know dream killers
yeah dream killer questions are when
they question your success they doubt
the success they think of all the
negatives and dream killers are not
always bad i i have dream killers in my
life and i call them when i need someone
to poke holes in a business idea right
like i'll pitch them because they're
great practice but i know they are not
the people that i go to when i have
something i'm truly excited about so
that's the only question you have to ask
yourself and it might be an inconvenient
truth
my second platoon
we have a
great platoon chief we have a great
platoon lpo
we have a great assistant platoon
commander
but our platoon commander the guy
actually in charge of the whole platoon
he's not very experienced
he had come from a different job in the
navy so he didn't have a lot of
experience
and
which is fine like it's okay to be
inexperienced as a leader you can get
through that as long as you're humble
and you listen and you take advice from
other people you're gonna you should be
able to do fine
no one expects you to know everything as
a leader
but he didn't do that he didn't listen
he didn't take advice he didn't take
guidance everything was like his way or
the highway
and eventually
we in the platoon got kind of fed up
with it and we had a mutiny inside of
our platoon we went to our commanding
officer and said hey sir we don't want
to work for our platoon commander
he he doesn't listen he's arrogant
and eventually what ended up happening
was this guy got fired as our platoon
commander and that left an impact on me
because as i'm watching this going i'm
thinking to myself why don't we like
this guy why doesn't anyone want to
listen to this guy why don't we want to
follow this guy and the reason because
he was arrogant and he didn't listen and
he didn't give us any ownership of
everything everything was about him and
that would that would have made an
impression on me that would have left a
mark but
the mark got left even
more clearly because when that guy got
fired the guy that came in and took over
for him
was was like
i hate to use the word legendary but he
was a pretty legendary seal had a ton of
experience he'd come up through the
ranks
and he had been stationed at every
different kind of seal team
and
he took over as our platoon commander
and i kind of thought to myself well
he's going to take over because we're a
bunch of mutineers and they need to put
someone really strong that's going to
like
whip us back into shape so i was
anticipating that we were going to have
this super hardcore guy
and and this guy shows up
and he's got a nice smile on his face
and he's super humble
and i remember one of the first things
he said to us was like i look forward to
working with you guys
and i was
that word right there i'm gonna work
with you guys not not i'm in charge i'm
glad i'm taking over i'm glad to be your
commander there's nothing like that he
said hey i'm looking forward to working
with you guys so all of a sudden it was
totally different and he started putting
us in charge of things instead of him
coming up with a plan he would say hey
you guys come up with a plan and let me
know how you want to do it
and all of a sudden we had all this
ownership
and that made me reflect
on
the way the first guy had acted compared
to way this guy had acted and i realized
how important it was to be a humble
leader and to listen to other people and
to give ownership to other people
so that was the second platoon and then
in the third platoon
the story that i tell is we were it was
a good solid platoon and we had a good
platoon commander
and we were out in the desert doing some
training and uh
some targets popped up it's just fake
it's just it's not war but we start
engaging the targets like we're supposed
to and everyone gets
in the prone position and is returning
fire
and i did what i had been doing this
whole time which was detached i kind of
took a step back took shot a couple
rounds then kind of pulled back and
looked to see what was going on
and i saw the call that needed to be
made
and i gave the platoon commander a
couple seconds to make a call and he
didn't make it so you know i call i made
the call peel left and everyone said
okay peel left and we peeled left and we
left the scenario and we got our
distance and then we stopped the
training exercise and we did a little
debrief and during the debrief
the platoon commander you know he said
to me well
why did you make that call
and i said well i could see what we
needed to do you know and you hadn't
made a call so i you know i made the
call and he goes well i actually didn't
want to peel left i wanted to assault
the target
and and right there in that split second
i kind of thought to myself
well like part of my ego flared up and i
was kind of thinking i could have said
something along the lines of well you
need to make a call faster if you're not
going to step up and lead then i'm going
to do it like i could have said that
but i realized at that moment in time
wait a second i didn't need to make a
call
the problem could have developed more
but for some reason i thought that i
needed to be the guy
and i said no you know what you don't
need to be the guy your leader you need
to support your leader
and it's not about you
and so that right there also changed my
attitude because then from then on in my
career and in my life i realized hey i
don't always need to be the center of
attention which is what our ego wants us
to do our ego always wants it to be
about us and it's not about us it's not
about us at all in fact in a situation
like that where the platoon commander
wants to do something maybe he sees
something that i don't see maybe he's
got a different strategic objective that
he wants to accomplish
and i'm undermining that and what does
that do to our platoon hey it makes me
feel great because i think oh yeah i
might not be the guy in charge but i'm
out here making the calls that's your
ego and what you have to do is
subordinate your ego and be supportive
of the person that's in charge and you
move forward together as a team because
that's what it's about it's not about me
it's about the team
i like jordan peterson's idea of tell
the truth or at least try not to lie
sometimes
there can be a truth that
we leave unsaid
because this is a momentary interaction
where i would say kindness is the higher
value than pointing out every flaw that
we see or every bit of obnoxious
behavior because at some point it just
spirals into madness to point out every
misstep that somebody is doing
and so when i look at somebody that is
being obnoxious being rude
my goal is to shift their energy
how can i get them back into a place
where they're feeling good they're
feeling warmth they are
in a place where they
feel kind right because most people it
isn't that they are
incapable of kindness and if they are
like imagine how shitty that life would
be somebody who never experiences
kindness joy warmth connection
that would truly be its own hell
so i'm not going to
worry about pointing out every obnoxious
thing that they're doing and i would
play a game with myself of how much joy
can i spread
and
in some ways
you are
leaving a truth unsaid which is that
they're being unkind or obnoxious or
whatever
but by trying to spread kindness you're
not lying
and
especially if
you share
that value with me of wanting to just
put as much good vibes into the world
you can and look i'm not perfect and
there is no doubt that sometimes people
are just like god damn like i just don't
want anything to do with it
but that doesn't feel like me at my best
me at my best feels like all right cool
can we switch this energy around can we
get them to soften to
feel that human warmth and a bit of
connection and can i
i mean with a smile you will be shocked
how much you can change somebody's
demeanor so that's how i would flip it i
would just see how much joy can i spread
even when people are being problematic
to me now it doesn't mean that i'd let
people abuse me or anything like that i
don't i imagine you guys can get a
pretty good guess about
what i'm like i don't let people walk
over me or be a dick to me or whatever
but i find it far more interesting to
try to change somebody's energy than to
get them to go yeah i am being a dick
that's just not interesting to me trying
to get them to sort of confess
that they're the problem
i'd much rather hold myself accountable
to like how much
sort of emotional jiu-jitsu can i do
here emotion should never stop you from
achieving your goals so if you feel
stuck overwhelmed low on confidence
you're beating yourself up or you feel
like you're not deserving of the things
you want in life i have something to
tell you emotions are not facts and you
should never let them hold you back and
yet i find that people do this all the
time they mistake that feeling for
objective truth and it sends them this
downward spiral
reaching greater levels of success in
life means knowing how to use your brain
and if you're in a rut right now or if
you've been struggling for a while to
achieve your goals then i've pulled a
class from impact theory university to
help you get back on track it's called
six steps to getting unstuck and it's
for anyone who wants to know the exact
steps to achieving big goals when life
puts challenges in your way if you want
to check it out go to
unstuck.impacttheory.com to get access
it's a free preview alright guys i'll
see you on the inside now let's get back
to today's episode
or that's why you have to understand
human nature right because you have to
understand and and believe me like my
deployments to iraq i was
30 plus years old my last deployment to
iraq i think it was 34 35 years old but
that's me i'm a 35 year old man with a
wife and kids i have guys in my platoons
that are
20 years old 21 years old 22 years old
i need to pay attention to them
because they're going to have
less
insight into the world
and so it's going to be challenging so
what we that's what we do that's what
leaders are there for so we as leaders
we have to constantly look at that and
say okay i've got that going on
and and i need to control it
so when people start getting emotional
when when guys get killed how do i get
control over that yeah i absolutely have
to control my own emotions
because
it's your guys
and believe me when you lose one of your
guys you want to kill everyone
everyone
and you know you can't
and you know you shouldn't
so you have to detach from your emotions
you have to get control of them and you
have to make sure that you lead your
your men in the right direction so they
don't do something that is not the right
thing to do
do you feel yourself getting agitated or
flustered a lot
because i don't think people set out to
be
difficult i think what happens is their
insecurity gets triggered they're they
feel like they're being attacked they're
you know like one of the most just
gnarly positions to be in is to feel
like you're supposed to think this way
and this is supposed to be your stance
and you can't really defend it it makes
you a little bit insecure and so when
people come after you and you know that
like you feel like you're being
outmatched intellectually oh god like
you just launch in with ad hominem
attacks and you make it personal and you
you know it's name-calling it's oh this
person's an idiot whether you say it out
loud or internally and if you find
yourself in that position feeling like
that feeling agitated feeling defensive
then odds are that you are being
difficult because difficult isn't about
i'm setting out to be a jerk it's ooh
something has triggered an insecurity in
me
and now i'm not at my best i'm not in my
most compassionate i'm not at my most
open i'm not at my most friendly i'm not
trying to elevate other people i'm not
trying to spread joy and warmth and all
of that right i'm defensive i feel like
i'm you know in a sort of intellectual
boxing match maybe i'm trying to win
all of that stuff is
exactly what it feels like to be the
difficult person right that's what's so
fascinating about this is we all think
the other person is being difficult when
in reality there's probably something
that we could have done differently to
have that exchange go in a completely
different direction and instead of
focusing on how difficult that person is
being asking like how could we do a bit
of emotional jiu-jitsu in this moment
and get the kind of outcome that we want
so having that self-awareness
understanding the body sensations that
you're getting being able to interpret
them and then ideally being able to dial
them back so this is really a
the ability to build the self-awareness
around excuse me around the emotions
that you're having and
there's a book called how emotions are
made
by lisa feldman barrett that goes into
great detail about how you can do that
and i highly recommend that book in
western cultures
there is an ideal personality type and
you will notice that every romantic
comedy the woman is the ideal
personality type for women and the man
is usually the ideal personality type
for man so in western cultures for women
it is
high in conscientiousness so that that's
sort of her funny quirk she's really
organized it doesn't like to be
spontaneous yeah yeah um a high in
agreeableness so yeah whatever you want
sweetie um
either medium or high in neuroticism so
kind of a warrior but it's cute and
endearing um
very spontaneous and extroverted and
bubbly and
high in openness adventurous and
imaginative
that's like the perfect diode so the
problem is when you talk about
neuroticism neuroticism should not be a
negative word but it is considered
negative because then you're called a
type or controlling
um and so it's funny language is
actually a huge issue so consciousness
does not mean that you don't care about
people
it just means routine is not your your
love
like like some people so anyway at the
lab we're trying to figure out if we can
guess people's personality types or
solve their matrix based on their
different assets in their house good so
far yeah so we're gonna ask people for
that and then um
the funny one is what's on your walls so
we've got the michael jordan flu game
okay which is probably my most
meaningful piece of art okay uh it's all
art so i guess we'll start with that
okay and then
mostly movies so matrix has like three
or four appearances in the house
um and then that's pretty much it so
what they say is this is a research
according to sam gosling he wrote a
great book called snoop which is if
you're a snooper this is the book for
you
so sam gosling found that um
high neurotics
use more motivational quotes
so i am a high neurotic i'm i'm
definitely a worrier um and by the way
you know if you're high neurotic or low
neurotic if you're really good at
what-if scenarios so high neurotics we
love pros and cons lists
we can think through every worst-case
scenario ever
whereas low neurotics they say things
like it'll all be fine
which to alone erotic is like the worst
thing that you can say
because we believe that worrying is like
an investment account
do you know what i mean so like the more
that i worry the less likelihood it will
happen
um
so motive so high neurotics i love
motivational quotes because it's like an
external regulator for their internal
world
there are definitely times where
i am focused on explaining why i think
i'm right
now
when i do that
whoever i'm discussing with because they
know my stance right don't worry about
being right just try to find the right
answer now what do you do when you're
not worried about being right but you
really believe you have the right answer
so now you're in this pickle right so
not worried about them admitting that
they're wrong if you find yourself
wanting somebody to admit that they are
wrong
already the energy is in the wrong place
so now if you're trying to explain to
somebody why you're right because it
matters now when it doesn't matter
that's the time to just let that [ __ ] go
but if it matters right again how we
raise the kids
what should we do with our finances uh
who are
somebody we're working with how they're
engaging how we talk to our boss
whatever things where it's like okay the
outcome of this thing actually does have
consequences and so we have to see this
through okay so first of all if i think
that i'm right i'm going to present my
case
i'm going to be as succinct as i can i'm
going to recognize that communication is
difficult that i have what i call base
assumptions so what i'm trying to do is
get to the point where we're being
understood so we're doing the steel man
thing right so now i'm going to say all
right i'm going to try to make my
explanation as simple as i can because
if you understand it well you should be
able to make it quite simple so if you
find that you're doing run-on sentences
and you know four-minute
rants trying to get them on board you
may not understand it clearly enough
yourself so you may be speaking so that
you can be understood
sorry so that you can understand
yourself rather than so that you can be
understood and recognizing when you're
speaking so that you can understand is
very important so i'm gonna state it
succinctly
then i'm going to ask them if they can
steal man my argument
now if somebody is discussing this with
you in good faith then they should be
able to generously present your argument
back to you now if they can't you'll at
least understand which part of it is
that they're missing now once they can
steal men your argument and they can say
as articulately as you what your
position is and then they say and i
still disagree and i disagree for this
reason now at least we know what we're
arguing about but the problem is when
somebody's bringing in a new topic or
whatever people just let the like scope
creep go they're like maybe they're
getting confused as well and so in those
moments what i do is i just take it on
myself and say
look i'm getting a little bit confused
so i'm not sure where you're going with
that there may be a completely valid
reason why you're bringing that thing in
i don't yet understand it i'm worried
that you may not fully understand my
argument which by the way may be because
i'm not explaining it well so if we
could i'm just gonna
quickly state
my whole thesis right super succinctly
like in a sentence or two and if you
can't do that you don't understand it
well enough so i'm gonna give it to him
in a sentence or two and i'm gonna say
can you repeat my stance back to me just
so that i
know that we're on the same page
and that is one way to keep the argument
grounded
so that as they begin reaching for
something else we call it out generously
not like what the [ __ ] why are you
bringing that up that doesn't have
anything to right that posturing matters
and forces everybody into these more and
more defensive postures so with that
generosity the true desire to understand
you're gonna take it and break it down
piece by piece and that's the key let's
just take it one piece at a time here's
my thesis this is why i say this this is
why i think this is right what's your
thesis okay that's your thesis that's
why you think that's right right we have
two conflicting views so now when we can
both explain each other's sides
we can diffuse that situation
we can stop the scope creep of the
argument
we can keep things just to the facts
if we reset our body language our
nonverbal communication to create a
positive first impression then we don't
have to think about it much anymore
because the problem is if you say all
right sit up straight have upright open
confident positive body language then i
go into a
meeting or a networking event and this
first thing that happens is i reset to
my defaults computer mode right because
i'm not thinking about it anymore it's a
conscious shift in my body language that
i will lose control of so we have to
delegate or relegate that
set of nonverbals to
a subconscious process and the way to do
that is to practice it and the way to
practice it is to remember to practice
it and the way to remember to practice
it is to do it every time you walk
through a doorway
so whenever you walk through a doorway
stand up straight shoulders back chest
up chin up smile on your face and you
don't have to superman it you'll look
you'll look awkward and fake but if you
just have open upright confident
positive body language every time you
walk through that door
you will start to do this habitually the
problem is we tell you this and the
first thing you do is you walk through a
door and you forget it instantly because
you learned it on impact theory along
with a million other things and it goes
right out the window so take a pack of
post-it notes these little tiny ones you
don't have to write anything on it stick
them up at eye level in the door frame
or in the doorway of your office your
home wherever you can get away with it
and when you see that you're going to go
why is there a post oh right doorway
drill upright open positive confident
body language now
that over time weeks months whatever it
takes you will start to do that every
time you walk through a doorway the
beautiful part of this is our first
impressions are often made as soon as
people see us and as soon as they see us
is usually when we walk into a room
through a doorway so every time if we're
resetting our body language every time
we walk through a doorway we're creating
a positive non-verbal first impression
every time we enter a room and then we
don't have to think about it anymore so
we can stay present in conversations we
can get through what we need to get
through in a conversational agenda if we
have one we can network and meet people
and have it look natural and we don't
have to think all right oh shoot you
were slouching stand up straight oh crap
what was tom saying i forgot oh no now
he knows that i'm lost wait a second i'm
slouching again that's what we're trying
to avoid
we just want to make sure our nonverbal
first impression is good when people
start treating us differently because of
that first impression
then we start to act differently and we
start to become essentially a different
more confident person because of the way
that other people treat us because the
way other people treat us informs the
way we feel about ourselves and then we
don't have to fake it anymore we don't
have to try hard we don't have to put on
errors you know respect me we don't have
to do that anymore we don't have to do
that
i think all of us have a desire to be
looked at favorably especially by the
people that we care about that we
respect but you have to like victor
frenkel said understand that there is a
gap between stimulus and response
and in that gap you have the ability to
choose something as a way of reacting
that isn't your emotions dictating that
so you're gonna have an emotional
reaction when you do something people
disapprove almost certainly certainly
happens for me you're going to feel that
sting of like oh that sucks i really
wanted people to be behind me i really
want people to cheer i really want
people to clap for me that's amazing but
at the end of the day you've got to be
able to say what is my goal and what
reaction to this stimulus actually moves
me towards my goal and that needs to be
the thing that overrides everything else
so step one is having that clear goal
knowing what you're trying to accomplish
and then step two is the ability to
assess whether or not your emotion that
which is the subconscious speaking to
your conscious mind so if you think of
emotions as the subconscious which
processes data in a faster and vaster as
they say fashion meaning it can process
a whole lot of information that your
conscious mind would not be able to
process through rapidly and it can do it
much more quickly so it coughs up
instead of speaking in the language of
that little voice you actually hear
articulating words in your head it's
coughing up an emotion so it's all of
that experience all of the
things that our brain does to make sure
that we protect ourselves that we don't
get ostracized by the group which makes
sense in a evolutionary context but not
so much in a modern context that's why
the subconscious is speaking in emotion
but you can take that emotion and say
hey this doesn't make sense for my goal
feeling badly about myself worrying
about what other people think about me
it's only going to slow me down it's
only going to hold me back i need to be
able to trust my instincts which i have
trained and now move towards what
my goals demand and so when you're able
to do that when you're able to read the
emotion check to see if there's a lesson
to be learned but if there's um in
wallowing in that emotion if it's going
to move you away from your goals then
you set that to the side and practicing
that and getting good at that and
filtering everything to your goal is how
ultimately you're not going to
spend a lot of time caring about what
other people think and so the savior for
me has been the belief um and the part
of my identity which says i only do and
believe that which moves me towards my
goals so obsessing over negative
thoughts about what other people think
doesn't and so i just let it go and move
on and it literally comes down to what
you allow yourself to think about so
just stop yourself using cognitive
behavioral therapy techniques stop
yourself from thinking about what other
people think
you