Kind: captions
Language: en
beating yourself up will not make you do
the work to get healthy
and tearing yourself down over the [ __ ]
that you've done or the terrible
relationships that you're in it's not
going to empower you to change the
patterns that are keeping you stuck
what i've come to realize and what we'll
talk a lot about today is that the way
that our minds are designed
is our minds are designed to stop you
at all costs from doing anything
that might
hurt you
and the way that that that that this all
happens is it all starts with something
super subtle
that none of us ever catch
and that is with this habit that all of
us have that nobody's talking about
we all have a habit
of hesitating
we have an idea
you're sitting in a meeting
you have this incredible idea and
instead of just
you know saying it
you stop and you hesitate
now what none of us realize is that when
you hesitate just that moment that micro
moment that small hesitation it sends a
stress signal to your brain
it wakes your brain up and your brain
all of a sudden goes oh wait a minute
wait why is he hesitating he didn't
hesitate when he put on his killer spiky
sneakers he didn't hesitate with the
really cool track pants he didn't
hesitate with the nasa t-shirt now he's
hesitating to talk something must be up
so then your brain goes to work to
protect you
it has a million different ways to
protect you one of them is called the
spotlight effect it's a known phenomenon
where your brain magnifies risk why to
pull you away from something that it
perceives to be a problem
and so
you can truly
trace every single problem or complaint
in your life
to silence and hesitation
those are decisions and what i do and
what's changed my life is waking up and
realizing that motivation's garbage i'm
never going to feel like doing the
things that are tough for difficult or
uncertain or scary or new so i need to
stop waiting until i feel like it and
number two
i am one decision away from a totally
different marriage
a totally different life a totally
different job a totally different income
a totally different
relationship with my kids not like one
decision i'm divorcing you
in the marriage example but one decision
on
you know you could be having a
conversation with your spouse and you
feel your emotions rise up and
within
a tiny window those emotions
can take over
and can impact how your marriage goes or
you can learn how to take control of
that micro moment
and make a decision to act in a way that
actually shifts your marriage your life
comes down to your decisions and if you
change your decisions you will change
everything
yeah i mean that that core concept comes
through so powerfully in your book um
which is phenomenal and i would love it
if you would take a second to tell
people the story of how and by the way i
wore the nasa shirt because of the
imagery yeah of course god i was like
falling my glasses off that is i did not
even get that i was going to ask you why
you wore that shirt oh my gosh wow so
do your homework of course mel
absolutely okay so um let me just take
you back so so what what you're talking
about is the five second rule which has
become literally my life's work and it
was all a gigantic mistake
i read up on you too and understand how
quest like
be was born out of misery
the five-second rule
and my
life now and my 20-year marriage and
everything that i'm doing and the
companies that i've built and sold and
the company i'm building now
it all comes back to a point in my life
that completely and utterly blew
i was 41 years old
i was unemployed
my husband had
started a restaurant business which was
his dream this is actually a funny story
when he he got laid off from a big job
in high tech and i think he was really
relieved you know how a lot of us wait
to quit our jobs and then we get laid
off we're like yes
um and he said i'm not gonna look for a
job i'm gonna go into the restaurant
business and i think i said the most
famous lines of our marriage at that
point i looked at him and i said listen
buddy
inspiration is for strangers you get
your butt back to that job and you pay
the mortgage
and um again
micro moment where i'm being a jerk
instead of being a supportive wife but
that's an example of where when he said
he was not going to go get a job but he
was going to start a business
the first thing that was there was fear
right and so fear was making the
decision for me god i love that you can
share that though that's so powerful
well so what happened is he the first
restaurant was a home run and of course
what do you do when things are
successful you grow it you grow really
big and so they decided to raise some
money
and we threw in our home equity line the
kids college savings
they tried to open a second and a third
and at the same point a grocery store
chain encouraged them to go into
wholesale so it basically got way too
big way too fast
and the wheels started to come off and
they came off so badly that the second
restaurant failed
and they held on to it for too long like
a lot of us do it's another trick our
brains play on us called sunk costs when
you throw a ton of time and a ton of
money at something it's really hard to
let go of it and if you haven't done it
in business we all have a relationship
in our past stayed way too long that was
a trick your brain played on you
um so by the time that they closed the
second restaurant it was an 800 000 loss
i don't i mean
that meant our entire home equity line
gone right it meant um
kids call i get just choked up just
thinking about how terrifying it was
and so i found myself at the age of 41
like just feeling like a complete
failure and so did chris
and
to make it worse not only had
we lost all of our savings
but so many friends and family members
had invested and so there was this real
tension between the truth
of what was happening and what you had
to do in public right because it was
public business
shame failure embarrassment and the
liens started to hit the house the phone
started to ring and it was nothing but
collection calls and i just remember
feeling this tremendous shame
and at some point i think we all hit
that moment in life where things just
are not going how you thought they would
go
and and what's amazing about those
moments is we all
respond very differently so my husband
he would spring out of bed
and he would head right out that door
six o'clock in the morning
and he would go meet his partner and
they would go to the bank and they would
dig right in and they would face their
problems head-on and he's also a smart
guy i mean he did not want to be in the
house when yours truly woke up because i
was a raging [ __ ] at that point in our
lives and the reason why is because when
you're scared
and you're afraid and you're jealous and
you're overwhelmed with emotion it is so
much easier to point the finger at other
people that's a decision by the way sure
one you may not be aware that you're
making but you're still making it
so what would happen to me is the exact
opposite is is chris would be gone the
alarm would go off at six o'clock in the
morning
and i would lie there
and i would think about the lien on the
house and i would think about the
bankruptcy that we were facing and i
would think about how much we had fought
the night before
and i would think about the fact that i
was unemployed
and i would
hit the snooze button
i mean why would you get up when your
life is like that
why would you i mean i needed confidence
i needed courage i was so tapped out
and and you know it's in the scheme of
life hitting the snooze button is not
that big of a deal
but here's the thing about life none of
us wake up and say today is the day i
destroy my life
what we do is we
kind of check out because
it feels overwhelming
or we check out because we're afraid or
we check out because we start listening
to self-doubt and then we make these
teeny tiny decisions
all day long and we don't even realize
it
decision to not get up on time a
decision to not eat the right thing a
decision to snap at your kids a decision
to
not speak in a meeting a decision to not
look for a job a decision to not deal
with your finances a decision to not
call your parent like whatever it is
all day long these tiny decisions that
take you so far off track
and then you wake up like i did and you
you look at your life and you think how
the hell did i get here
and more importantly how do you get back
over there
and you have no idea and so i was so
trapped and i know from your story you
felt the same way like you knew that
there was more in store for you but you
couldn't figure out how do you close
that gap how do you find the power
that's in you how do you discover your
greatness how do you solve these
problems it feels so overwhelming when
you can i mean i would go to the grocery
store and and the items would scan
and i would be sitting there readying my
excuse because
there was no way that my check card was
going to clear wow
so um
what i got in this struggle with myself
that a lot of us find ourselves
in and that is
you get trapped in what i call the
knowledge action gap
you know what to do
but you can't seem to make yourself do
it
right
i mean every one of us is one google
search away from a list of instructions
that if you follow any of them
it will change your life
but how do you get out of your head
and stop thinking about what you need to
do and actually do it and in my case
this stuff was pretty easy
get up on time
make breakfast for the kids get them on
the bus
start looking for a job
be nicer to chris
don't drink so much
instead of isolating yourself pick up
the phone and call a friend
get yourself out into the woods and go
for a walk start running again like all
these little things that i was capable
of but i couldn't get out of here
could not get out of here and if if
you're stuck that's the problem the
problem is you're you're in your head
you're thinking
that is the universal problem and it all
starts with this knowledge of what to do
and then you hesitate and you think
about whether or not you feel like doing
it so for a couple months i was i was
really stuck i i would chris would get
up at six i'd hit the snooze and then
i'd hit the snooze and then i hit the
stews the kids would miss the bus and
then every night i'd do the same thing
i'd go in bed have you ever had one of
those nights
probably before you started your company
but it where you go in bed and you're
like all right tom that's it
tomorrow it's the new me
tomorrow
tomorrow i'm gonna get up on time i am
gonna go to the gym
i am gonna look for a job i'm not gonna
drink so much it's gonna be amazing
the new me the future me whoa let's do
this right then you go to bed
and uh you wake up seven hours later and
you're like
i don't feel like you knew me it's the
only that's the stupidest see
motivation's garbage it's never there
when you need it ever
ever ever ever
and so here's what happened to me and
thank you for wearing the nasa t-shirt
of course it's a really stupid story
it's a powerful story so
one night chris had gone to bed
i'd been struggling struggling
struggling we still had all the same
problems
i we stole a lean on the house still
facing bankruptcy still fighting like
crazy i was still
unemployed
he still they still hadn't figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and i was about to turn off the tv and
there on the the tv there was this
rocket launching and i thought oh my
gosh
that is
it
i am gonna launch myself out of bed like
a rocket ship like nasa right here had
launched me out of that bed and i'm
gonna move so fast that i don't think
i'm gonna beat my brain
now here's a really interesting point um
i talk a lot about your instincts and
inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that i've done
for the book and all the speaking that i
do what i've discovered that's
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life
your brain helps you what it does is it
opens up a checklist
and then your brain goes to work trying
to remind you yeah of that intention
that you set and it's really important
to develop the skill and i say that word
purposefully the skill of knowing how to
hear that inner wisdom and that
intention kicking in
and leaning into it quickly so for me my
brain saying that's it right there
move as fast as a rocket mill
i wanted to change my life
and i think most people that are
miserable
or that are that are really like dying
to be great and dying to have more we
want to change we want to
live a better life we want to create
more for our families we want to be
happier
the the desire is there
again it's about how do you go from
knowledge to action so the first thing
in the story that's important is
realizing that the answer was in me
and my mind was telling me pay attention
it could have also been the bourbon
manhattans that night
anyway the next morning the alarm goes
off and um
i pretended nasa was there it's the
stupidest story i literally went five
four three two one i counted out loud
and then i stood up
and i i'll never forget standing there
in my bedroom it was dark
it was cold it was winter in boston
and for the first time in three months
i had beaten my habit
of hitting the snooze button
i couldn't believe it and i thought wait
a minute
counting backwards that is the dumbest
thing i've ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning i used it again
and it worked the next morning i used it
again and it worked the next morning i
used it again and it worked and then i
started to notice something really
interesting
there were moments all day long
all day long
just like that five second moment in bed
where i knew knowledge
what i should do
and if i didn't move within five seconds
my brain would step in and talk me out
of it
every human being has a five second
window might even be shorter
for you
you have about a five second window in
which you can move from idea to action
before your brain kicks into full gear
and sabotages
any change in behavior
because remember your brain is wired to
stop you from doing things that are
uncomfortable or uncertain or scary
it's your job to learn how to move from
those ideas that could change everything
into acting on them in the smallest
moment alright my friend i have a big
announcement my incredible and talented
wife lisa is about to launch her new
book radical confidence in it she has
managed to perfectly capture the process
of how to go from feeling lost and
insecure to taking control of your life
and doing amazing things despite feeling
fear sometimes a lot of fear now let me
tell you nobody knows lisa better than
me but when i read radical confidence
for the first time and heard her
describe what it was like for her to go
from having these big exciting dreams as
a kid to then as an adult scheduling her
life around the tv shows that she wanted
to watch or how lonely and isolated she
felt instead of pursuing her dreams it
was brutal for me i would never say
though that it was worth it for her to
go through all of that just so that she
could write something down that allows
others to avoid it but i will say that
at least she was able to capture the
strategies that she used to break out of
that rut find her voice and begin doing
incredible things despite her
insecurities and fears that she wasn't
going to be good enough to achieve great
things order your copy today because if
you act now you can claim the bonuses
that lisa has created for you at
radicalconfidence.com then once you've
done that we'll get back to today's
episode all right guys read the book and
get ready to be the hero of your own
life peace out
and for anyone right now at home who's
thinking like this sounds too simple too
easy
talk a bit about your community because
reading some of their comments it is
it's crazy how many people like the
sheer volume of people you quote in your
book but if you also go online and just
look at the people that are like
directly reaching out to you it it is an
avalanche of people that have stories
around the five second rule well one of
the reasons why i'm so excited about
this book and look you don't have to buy
the book this is an idea that you can
use it's free it's backed by science
more than eight million people around
the world have discovered it and you
know you're talking about the number of
people we've heard from more than a
hundred thousand people in 80 countries
that are using this rule we know of 11
people who have stopped themselves from
killing themselves using this right i
saw one of those yes
yes there's a guy steve that wrote to us
who was a veteran he was suffering from
post-traumatic stress disorder he
boarded a ferry overseas with the
intention to jump over
he walked over to the railing
and his inner wisdom
kicked in
in that moment
the five-second rule 5-4-3-2-1 counting
backwards moved away from the railing
asked for help saved his life
his story has inspired countless other
people that have heard me in the
speeches that i give around the world
about this one tool and so you know the
thing the thing that's so cool about
this and i should tell you the science
behind it because i'm going to be honest
with you it is stupid had i ever thought
that i would find myself eight years
after discovering it
spending my days telling people about
the five second rule first of all i
would have picked a different name
because it reminds me of the one where
you have to like pick up food within
five seconds off the floor right
um
it was my secret weapon
this was something i did i never
intended to tell anybody because i went
from getting up on time and waking up on
time to shaking up my entire life
because when you understand the power of
a five-second decision and you
understand that you always have a choice
to go from autopilot to decision maker
everything in your life will change you
will be a different negotiator you will
be different sales you will be
unstoppable in the gym because you will
realize the amount of garbage that you
put in the way of your hopes of your
dreams of your potential of your
confidence of your courage
everything comes down to the decisions
that you make
we all know what to do
none of us know how to make ourselves do
it so um
i started researching it why does
something so stupid work
why why does something so silly create
such powerful and profound change well
here's why
the rule is a form of metacognition
metacognition is a fancy pants terms
that means something real simple
you can outsmart your own brain in
furtherance of goals
they're tricks that you can use that
actually outsmart the tricks your brain
plays on you
in furtherance of a higher purpose we
all know this you can you can
restrain yourself
if uh you're in a situation that calls
for it you can jump into a raging river
to save your dog or your kid
you can direct yourself in ways
if it's important to you and so the rule
what it does is it does something really
remarkable
when you count backwards five four three
two one
what you're actually doing
is you're interrupting what researchers
call habit loops that get encoded as as
closed loop patterns in your basal
ganglia that's the part of the brain
where your feelings where your emotions
every habit that you have which is
nothing more than behavior that you
repeat that you don't even think about
i've heard it referred to as a gearbox
yeah to shift your attention from yes
and so when you go five four three two
one it interrupts what's going on here
that's spinning without you thinking and
it moves and awakens
your prefrontal cortex
so when you hit one
your habit has been interrupted so
you've interrupted self-doubt you've
interrupted maybe snapping at your kids
you've interrupted the desire to grab
for a drink you've interrupted uh
procrastination
you've also by counting backwards
done an action
it's awakened your prefrontal cortex
that is the part of the brain that you
need that's awake
when you're changing behavior when
you're learning new things when you hit
one it's also a prompt
so in the language of research uh you'll
hear people talk about um starting
rituals
that is that is something that's proven
to help you learn a new habit the five
second rule when you repeat it becomes a
starting ritual that triggers you to act
with confidence that triggers you that
this is a moment for courage that
triggers you to shift gears and because
you've also done the manual work of
awakening the part of the brain that you
need to change
you've set yourself up for success it
doesn't work if you count up because you
can keep going
and also counting up doesn't require
focus
if you count backwards five four three
two one
it again awakens the prefrontal cortex
and it prompts you to move
when you start to use it and then you
read about it you'll see that that it's
being used all over the place they use
it in the armed services in order to
align troops and get them to start an
exercise they use it at elementary
schools 54321 at big assemblies to get a
huge room full of kids stop talking
simple and interesting example yeah
because it requires you to focus
it's not a habit it will become a habit
that prompts you to have confidence and
courage but in the beginning it
interrupts patterns of behavior that you
do on autopilot
it helps you assert control and it
teaches you how to become the kind of
person that moves from thinking about
something to actually doing it it's
incredible so there's so many things in
that story and guys i'm telling you it's
um
you're gonna love the depth of brain
research that is put in the book it's
really quite extraordinary you really
have an amazing grasp of the brain and
it really really came through in the
book and for me it was a wonderful
balancing act between the just raw
emotion of the people writing in and
some of the stories that you're sharing
and you know the imagery of the rocket
ship which you know i mean you're
you're very open about it's sort of a
silly visual metaphor but because it's
effective that silliness is somewhat
irrelevant what's incredible is in five
seconds flat self-doubt can take over
and rob you
of your power and rob you of joy and rob
you of of your potential or
in five seconds flat
you can actually use one stupid little
trick
to push yourself to grab it
what i loved in the book is because you
paint the picture so very well you're
also just a good writer so you paint the
pictures like i could feel the crisp you
know winter air of boston like stalking
you out of the you know the under the
comforter and so i could really feel it
i was there with you you know as as
chris's business is struggling and so
you really feel all of that and so the
moment when you do the countdown you
spring out of bed and you're almost like
taking yourself by surprise and you're
like moving before you realize it and
then but you're reading it from the
perspective of i already knew who you
were
so it was that giving me the chills it
was
more
difficult to picture you as stuck than
it was to know i know where she goes
right i'd already seen the ted talk by
the time i read the book i knew what you
were doing from a media perspective i
knew how many people and companies you'd
helped so for me it was like watching it
in reverse
so i'm watching it from the safety of i
know she crushes it so if this is the
thing and i love that this isn't your
first book like this was the secret that
you planned to like keep hidden in the
drawer forever oh yeah i was not going
to tell anybody because it was stupid
and it also works and so it's my thing
it's not your thing and but see the real
thing that happened for me and this is
this is something that that um
is a really important topic for me is
that
there's a there's when you talk about
personality so extroverts introverts a
lot of us
really i know i did this i was all wrong
about what confidence meant
i thought confidence was a personality
trait i love this tell me more i thought
that people that are outgoing are the
confident ones right
and the truth is
confidence is not a personality trait at
all
it's a skill
and a lot of the extroverted people that
you know are actually very insecure
i used to be one of them
i used to be the kind of bossy crass
loudmouth that didn't believe in myself
that didn't believe in my ideas that
didn't have the confidence and the
courage to really
be the real me
who i am who i'm not flaws and all
there are tremendous number of
introverted people
that feel uncomfortable
uh putting the attention on themselves
but they're very very confident in their
ideas
they definitely believe in themselves
and so when you start to separate
confidence not as a matter of
personality
but as a skill that you can acquire
because confidence is the ability to
move in my opinion from thought to
action
because when you're a confident person
you believe enough in yourself and your
capabilities that you're willing to try
that you're willing to share to me
confidence isn't the assuredness that it
turns out it's the willingness to try
and and that was a huge insight for me
and and what a lot of people don't know
about me although i share this on stage
and i'm extremely open about this
because this is a a topic that's really
important to me is that
the single most profound use of the five
second rule is mind control
and i say that
as a lawyer
i will tell you you can use this stupid
trick to cure yourself of anxiety yeah i
wanted to talk about that so you
struggled very profoundly with anxiety
so walk us through like some nuts and
bolts of how you use the five second
rule because i think we're so my
hypothesis and the reason we found it
impact theory is that the world is
living through two pandemics the
pandemic of the body which everybody
understands because it's so visual yep
being overweight dying of um diet
related diseases such as diabetes and
things like that but because the second
pandemic the pandemic of the mind is
invisible um people don't realize how
pervasive
a suicide is and i think it's a leading
cause of death among young men i mean
it's crazy
and then that there are ways that they
can go about attacking that and fixing
the problem so yeah walk us through that
sure i would love to um so first of all
i literally have struggled with anxiety
my entire life and anxiety for this
conversation the way i define it is it
is the habit of worrying
spiraled out of control you know you may
say that you are a warrior that's not
true you have a habit of worrying a
habit is a pattern of behavior or
thinking that you repeat without
realizing it
so anxiety happens when that pattern of
worrying about things spirals out of
control and now it starts to marry and
manifest itself with physical sensations
too that's all that it is
i know that i say that's all that it is
me personally i struggled with anxiety i
think my entire life it became quite
acute when i was in my late teens and
early 20s
i became medicated in the middle of law
school i took zoloft for two decades
when our first daughter was born who is
now 17 the postpartum depression
and the cascading panic was so terrible
that not only was i medicated and
couldn't breastfeed but i couldn't be
left alone with her wow so when i say
you can cure yourself of anxiety i don't
say that lightly
four years ago
after i had been using the five-second
rule to change my behavior how i spoke
to my husband how i negotiate in
business meetings how i conduct sales
the kind of parent that i am my health
habits my eating habits curbing the
drinking
um i thought
i wonder if i can use this
five four three two one thing to get
control
of my
thought patterns
not my behavior patterns my thought
patterns
yes you can
so we're gonna we're gonna build this
conversation because i wanna start with
something we can all relate to and that
is how do you stop worrying
and how do you stop listening to
self-doubt
this is how you're going to do it so all
day long
you're going to have moments where your
thoughts drift and i use that word on
purpose because for me there is a
physical sensation when you start to use
the five second rule and you start to
wake up
not only on time in the morning but you
wake up to your life and the
opportunities in your life there's your
thoughts drift like you'll just be
hanging out with your friends and then
suddenly you're like i'm not sure that
that person likes me anymore you know i
haven't heard from my kids lately i
wonder if they're dead or you know oh
you know as a check like you just start
worrying about stuff why because it's a
habit
because when you're not paying attention
your brain shifts from you being a
decision maker and paying attention to
you just kind of spinning things on
autopilot and one of your habits is
worrying
the second you wake up and you notice
holy cow i'm talking some negative
garbage to myself right now
five four three two one
you've just shifted the part of the
brain that you're using you've shifted
from the basal ganglia which is where
your habit loops are spinning and you've
awakened your prefrontal cortex
you've also interrupted that pattern
now what you're going to do because your
mind is actually ready
to receive a different thought because
of the counting
now you can put in an anchor thought
like if you have a mantra if you've got
a vision about the way that your
business is going to turn out in five
years if you just have a thought that
makes you really happy and proud insert
that now why does this work
it works because of the counting
and i'm not kidding
we know based on research the positive
thinking alone not effective
in some instances trying to force
yourself to think positive can actually
make the worries worse
why well the reason why is because it's
really hard to just change the channel
what we have to do first is basically
interrupt it and turn off the tv and
then turn it back on
with the prefrontal cortex awakened so
the counting is essential and so
you can start using this today you catch
yourself
talking garbage to yourself because we
all know if i were to put a speaker on
your head and broadcast if you would be
sitting here in the audience you'd be in
an insane asylum because the crap that
you say to yourself is insane
and the problem is we listen to it
you'll be you'll be in a sales meeting
and you'll be undermining yourself
they're not going to buy oh my gosh i'm
in trouble you're not even present five
four three two one switch it back get
back to that vision that you have about
toasting your success or this customer
being really happy or you being proud of
yourself whatever that vision may be you
can control your thoughts and this is
not just us talking about it this is a
tool that you can use i started to get
back all of the objections that people
had to doing it
and they're [ __ ] sad tom
and this gets to the heart of why i
think so many people are stuck
one of the biggest objections that
people had to
standing in front of the mirror take a
moment look at yourself and then raise
your hand
as people said over and over and over
again
i haven't done anything
worthy
of high-fiving
high-fiving feels like a celebration
i don't have the number on the scale
that i want
i don't like my bank account i don't
enjoy what i do for a living i've made a
shitload of mistakes i'm struggling with
trauma
i don't have anything to celebrate
and what i realized is
people are making a fundamental mistake
you are withholding the very support
empowerment and celebration that you
need to change and to do the hard work
and to face the things that you're
scared of
and that's why you're not changing this
is so interesting so i'm going to push
you on this i'm super curious because
one of the things i love about you is
you're so blunt and honest about hey if
you want to have self-worth you have to
do things you think you're worthy i'm a
huge proponent of that and yet i do
recognize that you have to let yourself
off the hook to really get started so
how do you help people anchor on
something is it just hey it's the
[ __ ] neurochemistry of the situation
you have to do it yeah pretty much
because if you can't stand in front of
the mirror
and raise your hand
and high-five yourself just because you
got your ass out of bed
and you're breathing
you will never get what you want in life
ever there is something in the
resistance to it and if you unpack the
resistance
you will find the reason why you don't
have what you want
you either think you're not worthy of it
or you think that it's kind of stupid or
you have been brought up to believe that
for women in particular you're going to
be [ __ ] or selfish or not likeable if
you're celebrating yourself there is
something in the resistance to you
simply
cheering for yourself so talk to the
person though that so as of right now
they they really believe the world has
shown them that they aren't worthy it's
not like they question it they know it
to be true yeah how do you help people
because i recognize that as a lie or
even if it's true it's useless
but how do you help people
out of that moment
so
the first thing that i would say is how
is
treating yourself as if you're unworthy
helping you
like let's just get strategic and common
sense about it
is the negative [ __ ] you're saying
and the support that you're withholding
helping you feel better
if it's not try this
try celebrating yourself five days in a
row literally try starting your day by
waking up and raising your hand and
high-fiving yourself in the mirror just
because you're breathing
and see what happens
we have a a woman that wrote to us who's
in a domestic violence shelter
she's lost everything she's been in
abusive relationships she has a
tremendous amount of childhood trauma
she is doing the high five habit and
here's what she had to say about it
i have nothing right now
i have a tremendous amount of evidence
from my life that i have [ __ ]
everything up but you know what this
high five habit is showing me i still
have me
i can have my own back
i can be here for myself
the world has told me and convinced me
that i can't but every morning when i
stand here and i stare at myself in the
mirror and i raise my hand in defiance
of all the [ __ ] that's happened to me
i keep going
i am saying i believe in myself
and when you have that small reversal
that small act of defiance and that's
what it is if you're like heavy and
you're eating emotionally or you're
feeding your trauma when you raise your
hand and celebrate yourself even though
you don't like what you look like
it's an act of [ __ ] defiance to all
the stuff that you have survived in your
life and the best part about it you
don't have to [ __ ] say anything
and you know the reason why this is so
important is most mantras are complete
[ __ ]
because you don't believe it you know
it's a there's a he we all know we need
to accept ourselves we all know we need
to love ourselves but how how do you do
it to your point when you have a bunch
of evidence stacked up that you've
failed or reasons that you see that make
you feel like you've blown it or you're
not worthy of it i'll tell you how you
freaking raise your hand and high five
yourself anyway
because beating yourself up will not
make you do the work to get healthy
and tearing yourself down over the [ __ ]
that you've done or the terrible
relationships that you're in it's not
going to empower you to change the
patterns that are keeping you stuck
but raising your hand in an act of
defiance or a [ __ ] you to the past that
you survived and saying i'm still here
which means i still have a shot to
change my life
that is what this means
there's another thing that you talk
about in the book that i think ties to
this really well which is the reticular
activating system the ras
and you have this thing uh which you say
you look for the hearts yes and it's
really an interesting psychological
principle of
you're going to see what you look for
yes and whether that's a red mazda or
whatever you say in the book or whether
that's a heart when you're walking
around whether that's a reason to
love your wife whatever um
if you look for it you're going to find
it and if it's a problem and a reason
that you're you know a dirtbag and a
reason that you're not worthy and all of
that you're going to see them and they
will be there for you and they will
overwhelm you
what is this idea of looking for hearts
what is that how do people use it okay
so i love this tool because obviously
the high five in the mirror it's like a
trojan horse it's the beginning of
building this partnership with yourself
and throughout the book
i then unpack all these other little
tools and habits that you can use that
are in this lane of empowerment support
belief in self the book and i want to
take a second to point this out the book
is rich
with a bunch of other ideas so anybody
that's tempted to say okay well i've
already heard the high five myself and
i'm done you did a really good job of
the and to be honest i'm not even sure i
guess because it was what unlock things
for you in your life but there's like 15
things that you could have titled the
book after yeah um so anyway back to
this so the reticular activity system
the ras for short um for if you don't
know what it is picture a hair net over
your brain that is a live network and
the ras is a filter and it has a huge
job and it is a filter that blocks out
of the world and lets in about you know
point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero
zero one percent
and it is always changing
there are only four things tom that get
through the hair net on your head the
sound of your name and you've
experienced this because you've been
walking through a crowd and you're like
did somebody say my name
right
party effects cocktail party effect the
second thing that gets through is any
sort of threat so if you hear a loud
noise and you go like this there are
lots of noises you didn't hear but the
loud one you kind of duck because it's a
threat the third thing is when your
partner is interested in sex with either
you or someone else that's why you're
like why are you checking that person
out right you know because the brain is
letting that information in the fourth
thing and this is where the
transformation
begins
your brain will let in anything that it
believes is important to you the
zygarnic effect is
the documented fact that when something
is important to you
and i'll explain what that means
your brain opens up a checklist in your
mind
and now your brain wants it puts this
item on your checklist it will store the
checklist in your subconscious it's
encoded in your ras
and your mind is now on the alert
to spot things related to it the way
that you make yourself feel like
something is important is your nervous
system goes on alert
while you're thinking about it you're
either super excited about something oh
this is super important or this is the
trauma effect you go on alert and you
have something really bad happen which
is why
things continue to bring it up
throughout the rest of your life so when
you understand that if something's
important to you
your filter will change in real time how
you see the [ __ ] world
you now know how to change your brain to
work for you and looking for hearts is
the way i'm going to prove to you that
this happens i want to give you one
other example because everybody's
experienced this if you've ever gone
shopping for a new car or you've dreamt
about having a new car
what happens immediately when you get
excited about that new car is your mind
goes zygon artifact oops okay tom wants
the new bronco
that's cool so what do you see now you
see broncos everywhere now they were
always there
but your mind is letting them in
because the zygon artifact
is now mated on a checklist it's changed
the ras
and so i am going to prove to you
that it is
unbelievably cool that you can change
the way that you view the world by
looking for heart-shaped objects
so tomorrow when you wake up you're
going to start your day by high-fiving
yourself in the mirror i want you to
examine what the resistance about
because you're going to start to then un
be able to unpack what's holding you
back
then you're going to go out in the world
and just like tell your mind i want to
see a heart today look for a rock look
for a leaf look in your like latte is
there a little shape there is there an
oil stain on the floor and when you see
one stop
and go [ __ ]
i i just
like there's a scavenger hunt
i never would have seen that before
thank you brain
now your brain's like
more hearts you will start to see hearts
everywhere
and when you can start to train your
brain and realize whoa
this is actually a cool thing this is
high-fiving your mind
when you can see hearts you can now go
wait a minute if i can change what i see
based on what i tell it
maybe if i got serious about not
constantly saying i'm a failure i
wouldn't attach that or see it
everywhere
maybe if i got serious about saying
i can figure anything out
this is happening for a reason instead
of i'm [ __ ] you say okay i'm gonna
learn something with this
it changes the way your brain filters
everything
and this is such an important piece to
the book because we've all had the
experience where you love somebody
deeply
and you see all their incredible
attributes
and all they see is failure or all they
see is the weight that they can't lose
and it doesn't matter what you say
it doesn't matter what kind of pep talk
or support you give them
your loved one still only sees what they
hate about themselves
blame the filter in your brain you have
been bitching about your appearance or
the weight on your scale the fact that
you're a failure for so long your brain
believes it's important to you to see
reasons why this is true
and one of the things i got to say about
this
and everything in the book is the tools
are simple tom
but it's super important to say
just because you change and start
celebrating yourself it's not going to
make the weight disappear suddenly
it doesn't change the number on the
scale overnight what it changes is you
and that changes your ability
to deal with the problems and the issues
you want to change in your life hello my
friend you know that i believe success
requires you to see failure as the
ultimate learning tool success requires
you to be disciplined and gritty and to
never ever quit on your dreams i say all
of that because one thing is certain the
road to achieving your goal is not
smooth or linear i wish it was but it's
not it's going to be bumpy sometimes
scary some days you'll take two steps
forward and slide 10 steps back and
that's why success also requires you to
know how to pull yourself out of a rut
and get unstuck fast life is short you
can't be messing around with your goals
you've got to make progress every single
day so i've pulled a class from impact
theory university called how to get
unstuck which you can watch for free
with the link on your screen or by
clicking below when you join me for that
free preview of that workshop from
impact theory university i'm going to
teach you my strategy for how to
understand exactly where you need to be
going how to identify the obstacle
that's blocking you and the best way to
make the most progress towards that goal
and keep your momentum right click that
link and let's get to work all right
i'll see you on the inside you have some
really
counter-intuitive ideas
bold stances on things which i found
incredibly interesting one of them is
jealousy
and that not to just reject that stuff
offhand but that there's actually
information carried in those strong
emotions jealousy is one of the most
powerful directional signals on the
planet
because you're only jealous of people
that are doing things or have things
that you actually want it's impossible
to be fake jealous whatever you're
jealous of is hitting something deeply
personal [ __ ] pay attention to it
instead of stewing in it go oh
flip it
that's interesting
i wonder why i'm jealous
what is it about it oh
it's that they're doing it consistently
it's that they've built a team it's that
they've aligned their work together so
that they're spending more time together
huh how could i take those things that
i'm really now really inspired by
and take action and go get them in my
life
because the thing about jealousy is it's
just your inspiration that's blocked
jealousy
is sort of the insecurity
that you have that blocks this
inspiration i guarantee you back to the
uber driver he's jealous of all the
other actors earning oscars
because he's so inspired by the thought
of doing that in his own life but his
insecurity is blocking action his fear
is blocking action so instead of it
being inspiration
it shows up as jealousy and i'm here to
tell you the second you feel jealousy
freaking
stop okay
let's unpack that what exactly is it
about it and now if i were inspired by
it because there's enough success to go
around for everybody
if i can use that as a road map to then
go figure out how i might be able to do
that for myself
wow
talk about a game changer and now let's
add in the high five what if every time
i took a little step i celebrated myself
for just doing it now you're building
small wins and momentum in a direction
that's meant for you that's how you
change your life
if you let it go unchecked
what will happen is you will get used to
worrying
you will get used to living in a state
where you're slightly agitated all the
time
let me talk a little bit about agitation
so what we know based on research is
that physically in your body so
physiologically
being excited
is the exact same thing
as being afraid let me say that again
because it is so important
in your body
being excited is the exact same thing as
being afraid your body doesn't know the
damn difference your heart races your
armpits sweat you're like you know you
may get tight in your throat
you may your cheeks may get pink like my
do when i get excited
the only difference between excitement
and fear is what your brain
says and the problem is if you have a
habit of worrying
guess what you're going to tell yourself
is going on
that you're that you're like freaking
out that you're not excited that
something must be wrong oh gosh why
would you say something's wrong because
you got a habit of saying that all the
time even as i became a speaker for a
living or i'd be on cnn
when i first started doing it i would be
freaking out backstage
but even even though like you know just
a couple just last week he's standing
backstage
about to go on 8 000 people
heart races armpit sweat you know my
hands get clammy i'm not nervous though
not at all i'm excited
and so i developed this technique and
research
out of harvard not based on my technique
but something very similar proves that
if you basically
right before you're about to do
something take a test run a race
public speaking a business negotiation
ask somebody to marry you whatever it
may be that gets your heart racing
just do this go i'm excited
i'm excited to give that speech i'm
excited to ask him or her i'm excited to
do this race i'm excited because what
happens is you give your brain context
so your brain doesn't escalate the stuff
going on in your body your brain's not
worried
makes sense
so you can combine this with a five
second rule so we know how to do
worrying you you catch your thoughts
drift 54321 anchor thought if you start
to feel your heart racing five four
three two one to awaken the prefrontal
cortex and then start going i'm really
excited to do this i'm really excited to
do this another technique that you can
use is ask
um
i think they call it interrogat
interrogatory questions where instead of
giving yourself a pep talk say well why
am i ready to do this
why am i ready because that'll force you
to answer the question which then
convinces you so why am i ready to close
the sale why am i ready to give this
speech why am i ready so those are two
strategies that you can use back by
science that are proven to actually make
your performance
be much better now let's take it a step
further to anxiety
so
anxiety is what happens when the habit
of worrying spins out of control
your body gets really agitated and then
you allow your mind to escalate it into
a full-blown panic attack
so for those of you that have not had
the pleasure of having a panic attack
let me um explain what it's like
so have you ever been in your car and
you're driving down the road and you go
to change lanes and all of a sudden
there's like oh my god there's a car
right there yeah right
and you swerve a little bit and then
your heart's like
and you may sweat a little bit and and
you grip the wheel really tight and
you're super locked in on on the road
ahead of you
but then that car pulls away and the the
the near-miss scenario passes and your
mind starts going okay you're all right
now right you're all right now that's it
that's all that's what a panic attack is
only it happens while you're standing in
front of your coffee pot
seriously you have that same oh my god
what about that
and your heart's racing and and the
problem for your brain
is that your brain can't look around and
say holy cow we almost got hit by a car
right
your brain's saying what the hell is
wrong with her she's making coffee and
she's freaking out and so now your brain
is a problem because what's your brain's
job it's designed to protect you
[Music]
so your brain will now do whatever it
can
to magnify the problem remember we
talked about the spotlight effect
it'll start telling you all kinds of
crazy stuff because it can't figure out
contextually what the hell's going on
she's just making coffee now her heart
is ra racing and she's breathing really
holy cow maybe she is having a heart
attack a lot of people that have panic
attacks say i think i'm dying oh my god
what's up what's happening or you'll see
them do the dee