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Language: en
a lot of us don't know
what life we're wanting to live right a
lot of us are living unintentional lives
where we're essentially asleep more and
more people are struggling with their
health more and more people are
struggling with their happiness and they
don't realize that those two things are
actually very very strongly linked
rongin so many people today are even
people that have a massive amount of
success or profoundly unhappy and what i
want to do in our time together is
figure out why people are so unhappy and
what exactly they can do about it
you're right tom so many people these
days are struggling we're living in that
time aren't we where there's so much
wealth we have so many things
we have so much technology yet society
is getting sicker more and more people
are struggling with their health more
and more people are struggling with
their happiness and they don't realize
that those two things are actually very
very strongly linked you know i've been
a medical doctor tom for
you know almost 21 years now i've seen
tens of thousands of patients and
it's really only in the last few years
i've studied and seen that there is a
very very strong link
between happiness and health
and you know that question why are so
many people unhappy
i think the simplest way to answer that
is
because
people don't understand that happiness
is a skill
right it's a skill that we can practice
we can develop we can get better at that
skill
once we know what to work on
and i've got to tell you i never learned
that skill i certainly didn't learn it
at school i didn't learn it from my
parents society certainly did not teach
me those skills
and
having spent the last years writing this
latest book on happiness i feel that
i've managed to simplify it right down
into very practical tangible things i
think we all do want to be happy i think
that's become a little bit unfashionable
these days it's people say it's not
about happiness it's about meaning it's
about purpose and hey i'm all for
meaning and purpose but i don't think
they're necessarily the same things as
happiness i think every human being
at their core wants to be happy
and i want to help teach people how they
can do that
now i'm one of those guys it's all about
meaning and purpose i'm literally the
guy that you're referencing uh
i talk a lot about
the way that i define happiness is
something that's pretty transient
so i'm always trying to get people to
focus on fulfillment yeah and so one of
the things as i was reading your book i
was like okay for him and i to have a
fruitful conversation we're actually
going to have to define happiness like
what you mean by it and so in the book
you make a really careful distinction
between what you call core happiness and
junk happiness
and i think it would be
useful to
give the definition and the three legs
of the core happiness stool yeah it's a
great point tom like if you say the word
happiness to 10 different people
i think you could well end it with 10
different interpretations of what that
means right we we all have a different
idea of what that is so in the
introduction of the book i was very very
clear with trying to specify
what do i mean when i say happiness what
do i mean when i say every human being
wants to be happy and i have as you say
this
this definition called core happiness
right core happiness i want people to
think of as a three-legged stool
and the reason i've created it like this
is because i want people to understand
that it is a skill right so everyone
understands
that if you go to the gym each day and
lift weights you're going to get
stronger right that's not that's not
hard for anyone to grasp that's
ingrained in our brains these days
and i want people to think of happiness
in the same way right if you work on
these three legs of the stool each day
or as often as you can you are also
going to become happier so what are
those three legs
alignment
contentment
and control right so what do i mean by
that alignment okay
alignment is when
the person who you are inside and the
person who you are actually being out
there in the world
are one and the same or getting closer
and closer basically when your inner
values
and your external actions start to match
up right that's a line why do you think
that matters so much
it matters because
a lot of us don't know who we are
anymore right a lot of us don't know
what life we're wanting to live right a
lot of us are living unintentional lives
where we're essentially asleep i'll give
you an example uh tommy what i mean by
that
i feel until the last three or four
years despite relatively high levels of
success
i think i was pretty unhappy and
discontented in who i was i didn't think
i really knew who i was
and i think one of the biggest problems
in society is that we confuse success
and happiness now success is success
happiness is happiness they can both
overlap for sure if you're intentional
about it
but for many of us they simply don't and
i think for much of my life i
you know i craved external validation i
only felt good about myself
from the validation of others when i was
achieving things and i outlined in the
book where i where i'm sure this came
from you know when i was a young boy
um you know my parents were immigrants
from india to the uk in search of a
better life they came here right and
they face a lot of discrimination a lot
of struggle like many people who
emigrate and go to different countries
and i remember tom i would come home
from school
and
if i had got 19 out of 20
they'd look at me and say well why
didn't you get 20. if i got 99 in an
exam no wonder for light it was like a
stern look why not 100.
right now it's really interesting as i
was writing this book tom i went around
to my mum's and i said hey mom can i ask
you something why did you and dad say
this to me when i was a kid
and they said look we face a lot of
struggle we face a lot of discrimination
we didn't want you to have to go through
what we went through so in our heads
right the way for you to avoid that is
to get straight a's go and get a great
job like medicine a secure job you know
go up that sort of regular um set out
path of promotion right and achieve
success and here's the thing i did all
those things
but the problem is tom every situation
has multiple perspectives right so
mum and dad are trying to drive me to be
the best that i can
right great
but there's another perspective to that
walk around to the other side of that
table
and little rongan takes on the idea when
he was very young
that i'm only loved i'm only worth
something i'm only
i'm only enough
when i've got straight a's when i'm top
dog when i'm top of the class
and whilst on the outside
it can look as though i
you know have achieved all these
societal boxes of success
on the inside there was a real
discontentment and actually over the
past years as i've learned to go inwards
pretty much since my dad died as i've
stopped looking for the answers out
there and turned inwards and started
looking for the answers inside why do i
get triggered in certain ways why do i
behave like this or feel like this when
certain things happen as i've gone and
healed all of that
i'm now living more in alignment i
understand what alignment is i
understand what an intentional life is
for me
and that's why honestly you know i'm 44
time as we have this conversation
i've never felt this good i've never
felt this happy i've never felt this
content and a big part of that is
because i now live in alignment
all right so let's talk about the
intention how important was it for you
to stop and actually write that down
because you said you yourself didn't
really know who you were you suspect
most people don't know who they are
so one what does it mean to know who you
are and then
two how do you identify your values so
that you can write them down yeah
this wasn't a one hit oh i wake up one
day and go oh i get it now right now i
write these down now i'm aligned no this
has been a step-by-step process of
constant refinement
why is it so important right i was um i
was reading some work by hans celia the
other day he is the godfather of stress
that you may be familiar with his work
he pretty much coined
the word stress
at least in the way that many of us use
it today
and he said that in the 21st century
the biggest stresses are emotional and
the greatest one of all
is not being ourselves
right i think i think that's so powerful
you know coming from someone like kim he
feels he was saying he was articulating
that
us not acting in alignment with who we
really are is a
huge stress on the body right given all
the research he's done i think coming
from him that's quite a profound
statement
for me how did i go about that process i
first of all would realize that every
metric i hit every bit of success i had
every you know you have another best
seller right you know that's the truth
like this this maybe people can't
resonate with this but i can only speak
my truth on you know this is my fifth
book in five years right
they've all been they've all been sunday
times bestsellers now here's the thing
you get the first one and it hits the
list and you're excited you think this
is great yeah i want to help people i
want to help 100 million people around
the world live happier and healthier
lives
but i can't deny that also there was a
part of me that was attracted to
the validation that comes with having a
successful book i would be i would be
lying if i said that wasn't the case so
it made me feel really really good but
you realize that these successes are
very short-lived you know before you
know it they've gone again and
you know this happens year after year i
keep hitting these measures of success
and i think i know but it doesn't really
change how i feel like it really doesn't
it's
it's an artificial height i guess you
can almost call it a junk happiness type
habit which i can explain shortly but
i realize more and more why with all
this success with all this external
validation
why do i still uh move towards these
junk happiness habits why do i still not
feel enough in who i am it didn't feel
the hole that was there inside my heart
and tom you've had people on your show
before saying the same thing i i don't
know if you've heard of some a chap
called johnny wilkinson or not
johnny wilkinson is
one of england's most famous rugby
players right he was probably one of the
most famous rugby players in the world
in the early 2000s right in 2003
he achieved all of his dreams right so
when he was a kid tom he wrote down when
i'm older
i want to play for england and i want to
win the world cup
now here's the problem for him at the
age of 24
he achieved his dreams
right 24 he's playing for england not
only do they win the world cup he kicks
the winning goal in the final minutes at
the world cup final he came on my show
recently and he shared that actually
even before that ball had gone through
the goal
he's starting to go downhill downwards
inside the next morning he can't get out
of bed
depressed anxiety
for years
he achieved he achieved his dreams
that's why in chapter one i i make quite
a provocative statement
your dreams won't make you happy
right and they and i i want to add a
caveat there your dreams won't make you
happy unless you're intentional about
them
so what i think many people have learned
tom over the past couple of years
particularly with all the restrictions
and you know the fact that people can't
move around and do the things that
they've wanted to do and always used to
do
i think a lot of people
have reflected on their lives like
what's truly important for them you know
what is it that truly makes them happy
and feel content so
there's there's a really simple exercise
in the book that i think is deceptively
simple it's very very powerful and i
think i told if you're interested i
could uh i could try it on you right now
if you're up for it
what is up my friend you and i are
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improvement all right back to today's
episode
sure i've seen you uh do this let's go
let's go yeah have you got prepared
answers
i don't actually okay good okay so uh
top of your head don't overthink it
right
um if i was to ask you what are three
things you could do this week that if
you did them would truly make you
happy and content
you know can you name three things
so for sure spend time with my wife
write creatively
and
that would be a third um meditate
okay
and then the second part of this
exercise is
what i call write your own happy ending
so now you know fast forward tom biliu
on his deathbed
right looking back on your life what are
three things you will want to have done
yeah this so
i may think differently about
the deathbed than most people so this
will be interesting when i'm on my
deathbed what i will be thinking about
was did i
love my wife and elevate her and make
her feel awesome and really get that
relationship to thrive
and then i will ask did i turn my
potential into usable skill set
and then did i use that skill set
in a way that actually fulfilled me and
helped other people
but i think i really think on my
deathbed that it's going to be a bit of
a
it's just a frame of reference game
and you talk a lot about edith
edgar edith
who survived auschwitz who and just the
story is insane
and
her whole thing is basically how are you
looking at the situation
so for instance i think that on my
deathbed i will
i will probably regret that i didn't
have kids
but i don't regret it now
and so i've primed myself
on how to think about it because on my
deathbed i will want something to live
beyond me right i can already feel that
so like i get how at that point
especially if i mean look as much as i
want to believe that these youtube
videos will live forever i know better
and so
i can feel that tug now
it's one of the ways that nature ensures
that you have children so i i do think
on my deathbed i might perform a
slightly different act than other people
sort of however i end up i'm going to
frame it in a way that is optimistic
because i'm about to peace out so
and i think that speaks to a lot of your
book but tell me if you think i'm crazy
no i love that um
you're someone who it doesn't surprise
me
lives a very intentional life you know i
had the pleasure of speaking to lisa
yesterday on my show right we had a long
conversation and
you know she was sharing the game that
you guys often play the no bs game
what's it gonna take right so this is a
very intentional game where you guys
literally
you know instead of having wild dreams
you break it right down and you specify
what is the goal what literally will it
take to get there so it doesn't surprise
me that you and lisa are people who are
very intentional about how you're
choosing to live your life and you know
in in lisa's book and you've mentioned
before you you guys have intentionally
chosen not to have kids so it's really
interesting for me to hear
you saying that actually
despite that
intentional decision that we made
you feel that you may regret that on
your death beds now
i think for many people what this
exercise is about it's about
intentionality it's not about beating
yourself up for example tom some people
most people will say
like you on my deathbed
i hope i've nourished my friends and
family my meaningful relationships
yet if they look at their week-to-week
life and they realize wait a minute
i'm working so hard
i know you were super i know many people
who watch these videos tom work really
hard i'm working so hard that actually i
don't have any time to see my wife see
my friends see my partner see my kids
and and what this exercise does it just
allows you to reorientate your life go
okay wait a minute i'm slightly off
track care you know tom i don't know if
i've shared this with you on a previous
conversation but i always remember this
uh patient i saw a few years ago
37 year old chap writes who
from the outside it looked as though
this guy was crushing life he ran his
own business right he drove a sports car
he made really good money he worked on
his terms he didn't have a boss no one's
going to tell him when to work he worked
most weekends
right he comes in to see me
and he's worried that he's got
depression he says doc i feel low i'm
struggling with motivation
uh i feel indifferent about things a lot
of the time is this depression and we
did a you know i ran a variety of tests
with him um i i spent time getting to
know him and i asked him a question i
said how often do you see your friends
he said doc i don't have time right you
know i really don't have time you know
i'm i'm kind of up to date with what
they're doing on instagram or facebook
but i'm busy with my business
and the prescription i gave him that day
tom honestly no wonderful i was look
what i want you to do the next few weeks
is once a week
in person i want you to see one of your
friends and when you're with them try
and put your phone away
that was it and he said you know is that
what you want to say i just want you to
do that focus on that i'll see in a few
weeks now this guy was desperate i
appreciate it wasn't the prescription he
was uh you know expecting to get from me
but nonetheless this is what i was
picking up
six weeks later tom he comes back he's
almost bouncing into my room he's got a
smile on his face i say you know how are
you doing he said doc i feel like a
different person
i've got my mojo back i've got my my
i've got my energy back i've got my
vitality back i said what happened he
said well i started off every sunday
going to the local cafe i'd meet up with
one of my friends we'd just catch up for
an hour over a coffee we'd keep doing
that each week and after a few weeks we
decided on a wednesday night after work
we're going to get together and play
five-a-side football
right
honestly tom right six weeks i did
nothing his mood state changed that then
continued for months afterwards that one
change led to all kinds of other
positive lifestyle changes like better
diet because he realized actually
he he couldn't run around playing
football anymore like he used to right
so
the point i'm trying to make is
he thought right he thought he had
depression he certainly did not have an
antidepressant deficiency in his life
what he had was a friendship a
meaningful connection deficiency in his
life and the funny thing is tom
his friends thought he was crushing it
his friends thought
hey you know i know he's busy but he's
busy with work he's doing great so
actually it was only by revealing
himself to his close friends that he got
his vitality back he got meaningful
connection he got his health back that's
why this stuff is so interesting to me
so when we bring it back to this
deathbed exercise
right many people like you you've said
you know one of the things you want to
do each week is spend quality time with
your wife what's the first thing you
said on your deathbed right i want to
have made sure i have maximized on
everything possible to lift up my wife
and you know it's so incredible to hear
that that's that's alignment right i
know you're very intentional about the
time you spend with lisa but a lot of
people are not like my patient and so
this exercise really helps bring them
into alignment and tom yes you may have
a slightly different view
um because of the way you think but i
don't know you know if we when we talk
to palliative care nurses
right they tell us over and over again
what people say on their deathbed and
it's not as different as we might think
they all say
the same kind of thing you know i wish
i'd worked less i wish i spent more time
with my friends and family
you know i wish i'd allowed myself to be
happy and then speaking to alignment tom
what is another thing that they say
i wish i'd lived my life
and not the life that other people
expected off me right so people say that
on the death bed hans celie the stress
researcher is saying that living an
inauthentic life is a key part of stress
i'm saying that i despite all my success
i've probably been quite unhappy and i
didn't even know i was unhappy and
discontented because i wasn't living in
alignment so
i'm hopefully this is making the case
that that alignment legged the stool
and it's only one leg there's two other
legs they're all important but i think
that before we get to the other two you
said something and i really want to push
on it and that is
palliative care nurses say the same
thing over and over and over and one of
the things is i wish i had allowed
myself to be happy
what did i mean it feels like a secret
to the universe is hiding in allowed
myself yeah i wish i had allowed myself
to be happy what does that mean yeah
this is in uh bronycare's but the five
regrets of the dying i wish i'd allowed
myself to be happy now what does that
say because i agree with you tom that's
very that's power but allowed myself
that implies doesn't it that
i i could have done
but there were other forces around me
there were other reasons why
i didn't step up and i didn't step into
that role of being happy i think as i
said at the start of this conversation
it's a skill it's a skill that you can
practice and work on happiness is that
skill it's not something we just
stumble across and end up upon when
everything happens to go our way when
you know our spouse treats us nicely and
our email inbox is under control and you
know the weather's nice or whatever i
don't think that's happiness happiness
is something we can work on so i think
what that phrase means and i obviously
can't speak as to exactly what all these
people were saying
i i hope i'm many years away from being
on my death beds i certainly feel i've
got lots more to do and contribute to
the world
but i think that's exactly what it means
i think they realize oh man i knew what
it was i knew what was important but i
didn't do it
and that's what this whole book and this
whole conversation is really about tom
it's about helping people realize wait a
minute
you can be happier than you currently
are honestly you you may be chasing
success i think you can have success and
happiness i don't you have to choose
between the two right i really don't i
don't think it's as hard as people think
and you know you mentioned you know how
important it was to write down my values
very important
so so important on because even even
that exercise right let's take the step
one that exercise i would challenge
every single person who is listening to
this or watching this conversation to
pause it at some point or at the end
just write that down do that exercise
because there's something very powerful
about taking this stuff out of your mind
and putting it down onto paper it makes
it real and then what's really powerful
about it
is because you've made it real you can
edit it you can tweak it but if you have
nothing you have nothing there to start
you've got nothing to work with and you
know i've just finished a book tour in
the uk you know you know been going
around different cities talking about
this book
and i spoke about values and then i
would ask people i said you guys have
heard
you know me on my show talk about values
on all kinds of podcasts around the
world you've heard people talk about
values all the time
how many of you have actually ever taken
the time to write them down
and only a few hands went up
right and thomas content creators this
is something that's really important to
me this is why in all of my books i'm i
spend a lot of time
editing editing simplifying making them
read them or making them practical even
though my ego wants to make these books
longer and more in depth right if i want
to help people and impact 100 million
people which i do
i know i need people to read these books
and make a change in their life so it's
really interesting to me that people are
hearing this stuff they're not doing the
exercise
so me writing it down like i'm at the
stage now where at this moment in time
my three core values
are integrity compassion and curiosity
but i didn't get them straight away
i did not get them straight away so
writing them down is a critical first
step and tom any author will tell you
like when they're trying to write a book
you know the first draft is always
rubbish it's always rubbish right but
you can't edit nothing you have to put
something down that you can edit and
then make better so
i want people to a do that exercise at
some point today if they can and then
yeah i think it's a very good practice
to try and write down what are these
values that encompass who you are
all right i love that so getting into
the other two legs of the stool um i
think my interpretation anyway of the
palliative care nurses saying that
people say that they should have allowed
themselves to be happy
is contentedness and focusing on look i
have what i have and so the the tension
in life is
i want to be grateful i want to be
contented because it feels a lot better
and i also don't want to be stagnant and
so i think largely because people don't
do the self-exploration they never quite
figure out that you really can do both
so they're just blindly propelled
forward by the sense of i want more
whatever what you call in the book the
want brain and so they want more want
more want more but they never take the
time to develop the contentedness so
walk us through that how do we
accept our wanting brain and yet
cultivate this other leg of the stool
yeah so the second leg of the call
having saw this contentment what are
those things that we can do that make us
feel calm make us feel at peace when are
we at peace with our life and our
decisions
and
i think built into the question that you
asked me there
was this idea that a lot of people
never take the time
to think about these things they never
take the time to think about what they
already have it's constantly what can i
do more what can i push for what do i
want as i as i write about the book i
call this thing the once brain that part
of the brain that makes you think you
want more money another slab of
chocolate a new a new car whatever it
might be and sure i'm not against those
things the problem is if we think those
things are actually truly making us
happy and content which the research
shows us that
people who constantly crave these things
and get these things are more depressed
they're less motivated they're less
confident right so we know that so
there's all kinds of practical things
that people can do the first question
i'd ask people is what are those things
in life
that
you already do that you already know
make you feel calm and content
right because all of us know even simply
taking a pause to ask ourselves that
question
is so so powerful it could simply be you
know when i spend time with my wife when
i go for a walk without my phone in
nature for an hour i i feel better right
put it in your diary schedule it in it's
so basic tom honestly right i feel like
in 2022 in this highly technological
society it's kind of like have you not
got something better than that for us
doc and it's like well actually no i
haven't because that is the sort of
stuff that genuinely makes people feel
contented and happy and at peace but
i would say a big thing
which actually hits the contentment leg
but also the the third leg which is uh
control which we'll get to shortly i'm
sure
is a practice of solitude each day it's
what i call in the book take a holiday
every day
right i don't know if you read love that
you call
of course i love that you call solitude
a vacation though that's well
as only a parent could as as a as only a
parent could
but you know what i came up with the
idea of calling it this is um
a buddy of mine was telling me about
a factory in which he used to work right
and his boss would have on his counter
like a a countdown like 66 65 64 and
he'd rock into work and his boss would
say yeah only 64 days till i'm on a
beach in florida only 63 days till i'm
on that beach in florida only 59 days to
go and i thought isn't this incredible
right this individual is living his life
simply counting down the days
counting down the tedium until he has
that one week of bliss i thought well
what is it about a holiday what is it
that he's craving and i thought about
this and of course there's many things
tom that people
many things that people
get from holiday right sunshine time
with their loved ones you know lying on
the beach whatever it might be
but i think a big thing
is perspective they get a perspective on
their life a 30 000 foot view quite
literally you know you know the feeling
when you're on that plane taking off you
you literally start to see your life
differently you have that big picture
outlook on your life right and so
for me i thought well why do we have to
wait
for that one week a year when we can go
on vacation go on a plane and go on a
beach
we can actually take a holiday from our
lives
every single day and i would say it's
absolutely crucial tom that we do so now
that could be anything right but um it
could be a walk it could be meditation
it could be
mindfulness it could be reading an
uplifting book but what it is and i
think it's so important these days tom
is that
we're so busy being in our lives right
we're so busy consuming content from the
minute we wake up we're consuming emails
podcasts videos whatever it might be
even good quality shows and podcasts
right i think
the problem is that we're constantly
consuming we never have any
any time for our innermost thoughts and
emotions to start coming up and
intentional solitude is is probably the
most important practice in my life for
me i do it in the morning first thing in
the morning and i know that when i do
that
every aspect of my life is better i'm a
better human being i'm a better doctor
i'm a better husband i'm a better father
but really it's what i call a daily
holiday it's just a practice each day
where you step outside of your life to
get to know yourself because there's no
way you're going to be able to live an
intentional life a happy life a
contented life
unless you take time to understand what
you're really feeling and i honestly say
to people
that
even if you're consuming killer
uplifting inspirational content all the
time
even that's problematic you have to be
able to sit with your own thoughts what
is up my friend tom bilyu here and i
have a big question to ask you how would
you rate your level of personal
discipline on a scale of one to ten if
your answer is anything less than a ten
i've got something cool for you and let
me tell you right now discipline by its
very nature means compelling yourself to
do difficult things that are stressful
boring which is what kills most people
or possibly scary or even painful now
here is the thing achieving huge goals
and stretching to reach your potential
requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
boring building your levels of personal
discipline is not easy but let me tell
you it pays off in fact i will tell you
you're never going to achieve anything
meaningful unless you develop discipline
all right i've just released a class
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this workshop from impact theory
university tell them my friends be
legendary peace out
well i know you meditate every day tom i
mean what what does meditation give you
tom would you say
it lowers what i call background
radiation so
stress anxiety it just starts building
up at a biological level and
it's interesting in your book i've never
heard anybody else say this but i think
it's really true you point out that
people can get addicted to things like
soap operas
and i was like that's really interesting
because it's an input that changes your
neurochemistry and so for me meditation
is the way that i change my
neurochemistry where i lower that
background radiation so rather than
seeking
uh another youtube video or learning
something new which would be the thing
that i would go to
um
i just take that time to
physiologically
like literally breathing from my
diaphragm
and just sitting there and focusing on
my breath i can just feel even
describing it to you now i can feel my
brain relaxing i can feel my body
relaxing and so
to your point about
without that solitude without that space
that holiday from yourself you can't
you can't figure out what the emotions
are that you're feeling
you never get into what i'll call a calm
and creative state
because when you get in that calm and
creative state and something's been on
your mind suddenly connections that
otherwise wouldn't happen in your brain
start to happen and you might have that
insight about whoa that's why i'm
feeling that
like you putting it together about your
childhood and only feeling worthy when
you're at the top of the class but if
you never create that stillness that
silence
you never get to that
realization and i think it is taking a
daily holiday because that is literally
as you were describing that that is what
a lot of people say or similar similar
themes to that when they go on holiday
that's the feeling they get and you can
access that on a daily basis tom i
remember when i was
second year at medical school i was a
junior doctor in edinburgh in scotland
and i remember
i was working in acute medicine and we
were i was being taught by my senior
about something called early warning
systems
right i remember it so well because it
was really a profound moment as a doctor
for me and he said
listen guys
if you do
if you check regular parameters
like heart rate
blood pressure oxygen saturations and
you track them
then we know now that we can with a high
degree of certainty predict
who is going to need a high dependency
bed in four hours who's going to need an
intensive care unit bed in about eight
hours
i thought this is amazing this this is
amazing we can track this stuff and
and and by doing so and someone's
following a certain trajectory and path
we can take
you know preventive action we can get
involved do something different to stop
that happening
and as i was writing the book and
writing this chapter on taking a daily
holiday that popped into my head i
thought wait a minute that's exactly
what a daily holiday is
it's our own early warning system on our
life
right many of the many people suffer
with stress these days they suffer with
anxiety tom these days
um we're so disconnected from our bodies
and our innermost thoughts we're so up
here in our head moving forward learning
new things consuming more and more and
more
that actually we're not listening to the
signals that our body is sending us tom
for years right i i would have
i i think i was experiencing
when my stress load would go high and
really i was dealing with a lot
i would feel
a tightness in my right upper back now i
never knew that because i've only
noticed it recently in the last few
years since i'm diligent
and meticulous about my daily holiday
this happened a few weeks ago after the
book came out i was like oh there it is
and and it was a real message to me it's
like okay wrong and you have to do
something different you either have to
cancel some things you've got on today
you have to maybe prioritize an earlier
bedtime tonight you have to say no to
certain things it was my early warning
system that allowed me to change my
course of action so i don't
have a route with my wife you know have
have problems make bad decisions at work
right so it's very powerful the other
thing you said right which i i think is
another another thing to really think
about here
you know i consume your content tom i
like watching your show and i know a lot
of people consuming your show
would like to make better decisions in
their life right they want to make
better decisions and i think very a very
it's like it's a slight
oversimplification of how the brain
works but i think it it serves a useful
purpose we can think of our brains
in two parts
the the front part of our brain the
prefrontal cortex where we make
quality rational logical decisions
and the deeper
more primitive emotional part of our
brain like where the amygdala sits okay
which is where we're led by emotions and
fear and those two parts of our brain
are always vying for top spots right
they all want to be top dark and what we
really want is our prefrontal cortex
online so that actually we can dampen
down those stress and alarm signals from
our emotional brain when it's online
we're making good quality decisions
we're taking in all the information
we're absorbing it all processing it all
and making a good decision when our
stress load is building up right when we
are narrowed our perspective our
prefrontal cortex pretty much goes
offline and
our emotional center the emotional part
of the brain is ruling the roost it's
running everything and so this is why we
often make poor decisions let's say at 3
p.m 4 p.m like we've done nothing to
dissipate the stress
our prefrontal cortex is offline we we
send an email the next day be like how
the hell did i why did i send that email
like that that wasn't what i thought you
know what was going on we forget that
actually we see the world
through the state of our nervous system
so if your nervous system is constantly
tuned and elevated
you know what happens when your nervous
system is on think about it if you're in
fight or flight what actually happens
and you're if you think you're running
away from that tiger
everything in your body starts to change
but your focus goes in you literally
narrow your focus right to make a good
decision you don't want narrow focus you
want perspective when you actually can
take this daily holiday have some time
to self reflect think about your values
think about alignment think about the
type of life that you're leading
right everything starts to soften like
when you do your meditation and your
perspective widens
so it's it's kind of metaphorically but
also physically and physiologically it's
changing how we operate it's changing
how we see the world so i think this
there's
if the only thing people take from this
conversation tom right if there's one
thing i wanted to take it's like please
make sure that at least for 10 or 15
minutes a day
you have some intentional solitude where
you have no inputs coming in and you
allow your body to start speaking to and
you allow your innermost feelings to
come out
yeah and that that speaks to the third
leg of the stool which is control
getting control over your physiology i
think is incredibly important it's
something that i don't think people
spend a lot of time thinking about they
certainly don't spend time mastering
oftentimes they'll bump they'll try it
and whether it's working out whether
it's eating right whether it's
meditation there is a discomfort to it
in the beginning it's a facing
either you know it could be the food
addiction which has a whole host of
very complex physiological parts to it
uh working out which is just painful and
it sucks i hate it to this day
and then in meditation by getting quiet
first everything in your mind coughs up
and so it can be very hard to like like
you said broaden it and not
get more stressed and so
as you think about control um
how do people gain more control so we've
talked a little bit about the
physiological side but how do people get
control
and how did that become one of the three
foundational pillars
of core happiness yeah so
to take the last point first
what i was looking for
when creating this model was to create a
practical model because
number one big picture i saw there was a
strong link between happiness and health
right happier people are healthier and
there's there's numerous studies which
show that in a variety of different ways
there's many reasons for that which we
can maybe get to at this time but
there's a strong link there between
happiness and health but i felt that
that third leg control
was really really important particularly
at the moment and when i say control so
let me clarify what i mean right
i'm talking about a sense of control
it's not about controlling the world
around us it's not about controlling
other people i think when people try and
control these external events that they
literally have no control over
that is a recipe for unhappiness and
discontented living i think the events
of the last two years have
have taught all of us that the world is
going to do what the world is going to
do right you know whatever you want to
happen things are going to happen anyway
but a sense of control is different it's
like what are those things that you can
do regularly that give you a sense of
control over your life right the
research shows us super clearly tom that
people who have a sense of control
they have high levels of motivation
higher levels of success they earn more
money they're healthier and they're
happier right so having that sense of
control or i guess that agency is really
really important so how can people do
that well i mentioned this daily holiday
what that does for me tom right what
that does for me is i know when i've
given myself 30 40 minutes each morning
i do a variety of different things
within those 30 40 minutes and it used
to be 10 minutes i've built up over the
years because i've seen how important it
is for me to thrive
i know that no matter what is going on
with the world outside with my
work with my family with my kids no
matter what's on the news right doesn't
matter i have carved out a bit of time
myself that grounds me it's almost like
a ritual it gives me a sense of control
that makes me feel um
focused and calm no matter what's going
on outside us so that's why i think
these little routines and rituals people
don't have to copy that they can find
their own one that works for them but i
think that's one way that we can look at
a sense of control but another way
which
i want people to think about this is
there are other things we can broaden
out what we mean by control
so there's a part of your brain tom
called the sociometer and basically this
part of the brain is always scanning the
external world around us to look for
threats is my external world safe or not
now chapter six in the book is called
talk to strangers
and
um this is because the research is
overwhelming that when we have these not
deep and meaningful interactions like
you may have with your wife lisa or we
may have with our close friends and our
family know these kind of uh low-grade
interactions with strangers where we
smile we you know say hi and they sort
of nod back and they give us a smile
back these sort of things we know are
very powerful because what they do is
they send your sociometer
a signal that your external world is
safe that makes you feel in control
because when you feel your external
world is unsafe
you feel out of control so control can
mean multiple things
and that's just two examples of how
people can actually think about
controlling their lives what are the
things that they do that give them a
sense of control that's going to help
strengthen that leg which means it's
going to help them strengthen their
happiness what are those things that
they do that actually make them feel out
of control because if you're feeling out
of control you can think about the model
and go oh wow
my control leg is getting weaker my
control leg is going to break so my
feelings of happiness are also going to
start collapsing as well was that clear
tom
definitely i think it was such a um like
hard left in the book when you got to
the third one and i was like wow that's
really interesting and then i've heard
you talk before about the different ways
that people define happiness and how
some of them begin to crumble and i
thought it was actually a really keen
insight i think it's very true i think
when people don't feel that they control
any aspect of their lives they're really
in trouble
now i'm probably intentionally
edging up towards delusion on how much
we can control
um
and so i try to do things knowingly i
don't know where the edges right so i
look at somebody like elon musk who's
you know attempting to terraform mars
and
on the one hand it's sort of patently
ridiculous right
to think that you can influence
something on a planetary level
but on the other hand like because he
allows himself to believe that or can
convince himself to believe it
he's built the first reusable rocket
right so
it's like you need like that little bit
of delusion that gets you going
um
so yeah it was i think very insightful
but that depends right like on that that
depends what the goal is
right what's the goal if the goal
is to do something that no one has done
before
if the goal is to grow a media company
to impact a billion people right
that's fine
but if the goal is
happiness
then suddenly we look at these things
very differently and i think that the
whole point here is about living an
intentional life right it's about
understanding what are you chasing why
are you chasing it
and everyone's going to be different
some people don't want to be elon musk
some people don't want to be you they
don't want your life right they don't
want my life some people are
very content
or you know their goals are very
different from my goals or your goals or
elon musk goals and that's okay we're
all allowed to have our own goals but
what we need to do is live our own life
and spend time defining what they are
tommy you said something really
interesting right to start this
conversation which has been um playing
at the back of my mind since you said it
particularly so because i had a long
chat with lisa your wife yesterday
and we spoke about
your intentional decision not to have
kids and how that process went
yet you mentioned when we played that
exercise that that you know your happy
ending your deathbed exercise
you think you're gonna regret
not having kids
now
if you don't mind i'd love to just
understand a bit more there because i
think what's powerful about this
exercise is that it helps bring
intention to our life and go
yeah you know what i think this is going
to happen this is what i'm going to be
thinking about now i'm not saying you
guys want to or don't want to
but i would say that the power of that
exercise is that if someone is starting
to feel now that they've made a decision
and now they're thinking yeah you know
what i think i'm going to regret this
it potentially allows them to revisit
that and go ah okay you know what
i know five years ago we said this or i
said this it felt right then
maybe it doesn't feel right now and i'm
not saying that's the case with you tom
at all i don't want to overstep the mark
for sure um but do you know what i'm
getting at i i know this exercise helps
people but i am interested
here is
something i think very very strongly
people misunderstand
that you will go through phases in life
and so i can project to my deathbed and
say the things i will care about when i
have no more time will be very different
than the things that i cared about when
i had maybe even the illusion of time
because who knows i could die this
afternoon yeah but i have the illusion
that i have a lot of time left and so i
live my life in accordance with that now
given how much i love my
wife how much i love my life how much i
love storytelling how much i love
ambition how much i enjoy the thought of
doing grand things it's like
i really want kids
rongan i really want kids
the only thing i want more than to have
kids is to not have kids
and so i make use
of the time and energy that would
otherwise go into having kids
but i'm not a fool i could write you a
poem right now that would leave you
convinced that i knew
what it was like to have kids and to
have that kind of deep emotion and love
and connection and and sense of progeny
like
i get it
so i'm not foolish enough
to think that as i age that my frame of
reference won't change so the big
question of my life is what phase do you
live for
because i could live for the end phase
of my life and be like i'm on my
deathbed and i have no regrets and this
is amazing
or i can recognize what i think is the
right answer which edith
your edith who survived auschwitz taught
us
which is it doesn't matter what happens
it matters how you think of it
and so my thing is
the best advice i ever got around kids
was tom have kids don't have kids it
doesn't really matter but whatever you
do do it all the way
and so
when we decided not to have kids i said
to lisa
just know
when we're on our deathbed or when we're
r