Kind: captions
Language: en
today on impact theory relationship
expert matthew hussey walks us through
why the majority of relationships do not
succeed
continuing to grow is one of the
greatest challenges you can present
matthew breaks down for us where the
biggest challenges lay in relationships
so many people expect their partner to
be a mind reader
and they're not the author of the new
york times bestseller get the guy host
of radio show love life with matthew
hussey as well as the former resident
love expert on the today show matthew
emphasizes that people should find
fulfillment in themselves before seeking
fulfillment in a relationship that's
really interesting then so tune in now
so you can witness for yourself how the
incredible matthew hussey can help your
relationship survive and thrive today
[Music]
matthew hussey welcome thanks for having
me man dude thanks for being here what
is what are the biggest reasons that
most relationships fail that people
should be aware of so that they can
actually adjust and make sure that their
relationship is successful
i think people stop growing in
relationships
anytime we feel like what's exciting
about the beginning of a relationship is
that we don't feel like we've fully
figured each other out it's also what's
really exciting about dating i don't
feel like you i have any guarantee you
like me enough yet
and so there's that sense of why you
know why is it a cliche that the chase
is exciting the chase isn't exciting if
i think
it's a done deal the chase is exciting
if there's some element of i know you
like me
and there's a chance but i also know
that i have to work for this i have to
i'm this is challenging you know i have
to really bring my best to the table
when two people
really know each other
there's that sense that
these are two completely known
quantities
now from one aspect that's really
attractive because it's it creates love
it creates connection it creates a bond
but from another perspective there's
that part of our mind that still wants
to be challenged that still wants to
feel like there's
there's something to do here and one of
the greatest ways to you know i think
it's a time old question how do we
challenge someone in a relationship when
we already know everything about each
other and we already feel like we have
each other continuing to grow is one of
the greatest challenges you can present
and growth doesn't have to mean anything
crazy it could be reading a new book so
that you have a different conversation
to bring today it could be
learning a new skill it could be
performing well at something
but
that growth allows our partner to
continuously feel like there's always
something to learn
about us
there's some element of mystery that
remains uh proust said the journey of
discovery lies not in seeking new
landscapes but in seeing with new eyes
now that's to me the which i think is
really powerful but it's almost the
exact opposite that's like
hey part of your job in this dynamic
because i do think growing is huge but
the other part is like i'm about to go
on my 20th wedding anniversary which is
crazy but that i have to find new ways
to look at lisa to see her afresh
that even though she is a very
well-mapped territory for me
i also have to put in energy to like
challenge myself to see something new
that exactly it goes both ways i don't
think it's just incumbent on one person
to continue to bring their best to the
table and to grow
is incumbent on us
to not
see this person as so familiar and make
that calculation which is a false one by
the way that
we know everything there is to know
about this person well that's looking in
the rearview mirror
it doesn't mean we know everything about
who they will be or about how they're
growing or the parts of themselves that
they haven't even spoken to us about
because we haven't asked them those
kinds of deep questions in a long time
which is why sometimes you go on
vacation with your partner after a long
time of being together
and you come back feeling closer why
because you probably had time to ask
each other different questions than the
ones you ask on a regular week when the
two of you are busy at work and even the
weekends you're like trying to just play
catch up on getting rest and not getting
to know each other so that would be the
first one is growing the second one
would be
as simple as it is continuing to to
respect your relationship and your
partner enough to try
to try what
to
actually put in the effort with them
that you put in with
new people
esther perel talks about this you know
we go into work and we often give our
most charismatic charming energetic
selves to everybody else and then our
partner gets the scraps at the end of
the night
that's so interesting can i reveal a
secret yeah okay so
as you well know being a ceo of a
company you have to be charismatic and
you have to like get everybody together
and point them in a direction and so no
matter how bad my day is i'm going to
come into a group meeting and i'm going
to be charismatic and i can feel myself
flipping a switch it's kind of like
coming to a party coming to a party and
being a downer doesn't make any sense
you're going to walk in no matter what
ah what's up everybody and so i play
that same role in the company
but with lisa when i do that i feel fake
and i don't mind faking it i don't want
to be a liar but i don't mind faking it
in the company in fact i feel an
obligation
to
present a uh
a brave face like on a day where
everything is down like i'm not and i i
would advise any ceo worth their assault
don't come in and wear your heart on
your sleeve and be like oh my god like
i'm terrified like this is horrible
but with my wife
i want to be like that but the problem
is and this is me dude i've watched so
much for your content this is me like
channeling you
uh
at some point like that's
dumping i think that you call it like
where you're just constantly cycling
like no like this is freaking me out
this is freaking me out this is freaking
me out it's like at some point i do owe
her charisma but how do you find that
balance like i don't want to feel fake
with lisa but at the same time i don't
want to just constantly
make my insecurities her problem i
suppose
we all have
we all have different gears that we go
to right when we're stressed we go to
one gear where we we take a lot when
we're stressed we go to our partner and
we're we might be anxious
we might be freaked out about something
we might just be burnt out and we go to
to get energy
and so it might be a simple reframing of
oh i've been going to this situation to
get energy
more than i've been going to this
situation lately to give energy
and giving energy might just be a
different version of ourselves not
that's fake like
i'm sure when you're feeling good or
when you're feeling relaxed there's a
playfulness that comes out that isn't
there at the end of
a long day
and
that playfulness is every bit as much
you as
this other side but it's almost
sometimes it i feel like it's almost
just logistics right you if you keep
seeing someone at the same time at the
end of every day
then they're getting that you wow that's
really interesting at the end of every
day
whereas i'm not and i'm not suggesting
this is right for your schedule or
anyone else's but if you took the first
half hour of your day and said i'm just
gonna take like
some of this great energy and dedicate
it there first then it would just
naturally be a different energy than
there it might be worse by the way it
might be even more anxious energy
because you're like i have so much to do
though but really interesting i've
actually because i have so many rules
that i live by to overcome my laziness
so for instance monday through friday if
i'm awake i'm either working or working
out that's a mantra i say to myself all
the time to stay on focus because i
really am just an obscenely lazy person
by nature
and so i've had to put these things in
but that means to your point that during
the week and my wife is is a literal
saint for dealing with this during the
week i'm not a husband
i am a business partner to my wife on
the weekends i'm a husband and a
business partner if i'm really honest
but like i'm definitely a husband i
prioritize being a husband on the
weekends um but that's really
interesting in terms of the energy flip
because you're right logistically
different times of the day i'm in
different modes those modes have like a
micro personality assigned to them
and which is an idea i got from jordan
peterson i heard you say that people
should like acknowledge people when
they're using their idea that's a jordan
peterson thing that people have these
micro personalities
that's really interesting man i i and i
suffer from the same thing and i
one of the things i've noticed about
myself is
you know my partner audrey and i we work
at home
together
and
sometimes i realize like it'll be 11
o'clock in the morning and i'll have
done a couple of hours of good work
and
and she might be right there and i know
that
there's i might have this little
euphoria of having just done a couple of
hours of really good work maybe i wrote
and i find it really hard to get myself
to sit down and write
and i actually wrote this morning and i
have that little buzz of i did that
difficult thing
and i know that there's kind of a moment
where i'm like i don't have a meeting
for an hour
and yes there are a hundred things that
could now fill this next
hour
but what would happen if i just
went and gave 10 or 15 minutes of this
euphoric playful energy
to her right now and i don't always do
that some because sometimes i come from
a scarcity place of like i only have so
much energy in the day and you know it's
hard enough to get all these things done
i just need to go straight into the next
thing but sometimes
i i feel like i'm stealing you know 10
or 15 minutes just to go and give her
some really lovely energy while i feel
it and i do think those things
have a real impact and they also
speaking of the original question
why do some relationships fail
it's because we keep singing the same
song
over and over and over again
and we never
you know that song might be a very
serious song and by the way we love
serious songs like there's a there's a
time and a place for a serious song but
but we also if we listen to that all day
every day it's too much so we sometimes
listen to a fun song and sometimes we
listen to a sad song and sometimes
a relationship is an album but if you're
one song all the time
then even the best song on repeat starts
to get tiring
so
that i forget number one was um growth
number two was trying and and trying
doesn't just mean
trying harder it can mean trying can be
more subtle it can be bringing a
different energy than the one you
normally bring
and the third secret i would say
and the reason why a lot of
relationships fail
is
we have to be willing to give someone
what they
crave and need not the thing that we
really like giving
because it's really easy to keep giving
the thing that we're comfortable giving
like sometimes
you know if we if we give love through
food or if we give love through
coming and giving someone affection or
whatever it may be
that may be the thing that we find it
really easy to give and so we just keep
giving it and giving it and giving it
but to me the key to relationships
listen well enough
that you know what it is they're
absolutely
craving and then give them that exact
thing so it might be that what they're
craving is a evening with their friends
like maybe you if you read between the
lines of what they've been saying to you
recently they keep saying like
you know i feel like i haven't had a lot
of balance in my life recently i haven't
really caught up with my friends i'm
feeling you know if you listen hard
enough you'll go
oh what this person keeps telling me is
that
their friendships are really important
to them and they haven't had time for
them so the best thing i can do
is go have a night with my friends
so that they
get the space to go and have a night
with theirs without feeling guilty that
they're not spending the time with me
like my independence
this week is the greatest gift i can
give to them but that requires
listening and i think for in
relationships one of the reasons they
break down is for too many days or weeks
or months or years in a row
i feel like the thing you've been giving
me is the thing you want to give me not
the thing i actually need from you
what is up my friend tom bill you here
and i have a big question to ask you how
would you rate your level of personal
discipline on a scale of one to ten if
your answer is anything less than a ten
i've got something cool for you and let
me tell you right now discipline by its
very nature means compelling yourself to
do difficult things that are stressful
boring which is what kills most people
or possibly scary or even painful now
here is the thing achieving huge goals
and stretching to reach your potential
requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
boring building your levels of personal
discipline is not easy but let me tell
you it pays off in fact i will tell you
you're never going to achieve anything
meaningful unless you develop discipline
all right i've just released a class
from impact theory university called how
to build ironclad discipline that
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yourself up in this area so that you can
push yourself to do the hard things that
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right click the link on the screen
register for this class right now and
let's get to work i will see you inside
this workshop from impact theory
university until then my friends be
legendary peace out
dude that so
there's this joke that my wife and i
make
don't give the gift you would want to
receive give the gift that the other
person wants because my sister-in-law
god bless her had a fiancee who is no
longer her fiance
uh not just because of what i'm about to
say but in part uh one of the gifts that
they gave her was a movie
that they really liked
and it was like you know a christmas
gift and it was like oh my god here you
go and she was like but you know i hate
this kind of it's like a sci-fi movie
she's like you know i hate this kind of
movie like why on earth are you giving
this to me and of course it made her
feel unheard like he wasn't listening
but i totally get where he's coming from
which is so we all have a love language
um
they're probably oversimplified but it
gets you in the right ballpark and if so
for me words of affirmation is huge
but for my wife it's quality time
now if i'm giving her words of
affirmation it doesn't mean that they
don't resonate but
it's not going to land the way it would
land if i was like yo i really want to
carve this time out with you i want to
sit down like what do you want to do
like let's really sink in
and
the problem is that when i do that for
her i love it because it's time with my
wife and i really enjoy it but it i feel
like i'm not really giving her the thing
that she needs and that she would want
which is words of affirmation because i
feel it internally when i give her words
of affirmation because it's my love
language it's the same this is going to
seem silly maybe but when so in my
family we do christmas lists because i
think to your earlier point don't go out
with your friends by the way if you
don't first ask your significant other
is that something you would want because
if like for lisa if i was like i bet
what she needs is space so i'm gonna go
now and she's like what i want time with
you this would be a nightmare and she'd
be like what is going on yeah but
at christmas
you so that you get the things that you
actually care about we write down these
lists and i will go through and look for
things that i also like on their list
and i will give them those things
because
i
feel a different way and so it's like
getting people so for instance my sister
loves oh my god you like anime right
dude we have got to talk more about that
i heard you in an interview talking
about weathering with you and i was like
wait a second lisa told me about this uh
my sister likes manga
and so i'll go through this like if it's
manga i'm gonna be the one that gives it
to her
because i like manga and so it's like i
get it it's a trap you're a thousand
percent right but i also feel that
nature has done us a bit dirty because
it feels so good
when it aligns with the thing that you
also like
so you've really got to be like super
careful in fact so you've given us three
things i'll give people a fourth
which
we can round to communication
but it's really like you have to say
things out loud that almost seem stupid
because they are so self-evident
and
what so what do you mean by that okay
i'll give you one that
is
oh god
okay so this is if you have kids in the
room now would be the time to get them
to leave
so
i
used to hate shopping
and so
i told my wife look the key to
motivating me is to touch me in a very
special way and if you do that i just
tell you right now that like whatever
you want to do at that point like i'm
totally game and so my wife just learned
very early on in the relationship the
easy way to give me the thing that i
wanted to get me excited to go do
something that she wanted was that
and so but i had to say it out loud like
i just had to tell her like you're
really reaching and struggling to find
things that would make me want to do
that thing i'll just tell you right now
what it is and so in articulating that
it felt stupid because i couldn't
believe i had to articulate it because
in my own mind it was so self-evident
and yet i saw her struggle because she
was what would be the things that would
work for her right and i'm like yeah
that's not what you would want to do for
me this is it and so lisa and i call
that giving the keys to the kingdom yeah
like what are my hot button things
whether they should be or not here they
are my insecurities whether i should be
insecure about this thing or not is
irrelevant here it is and so these are
the keys to the kingdom
and
if people take the time to actually
articulate these things
then it's like the other person's like
oh wow like i wouldn't have guessed it
maybe i should but i wouldn't have
guessed it and now that you've
articulated it i get it and so going
back to the example you gave like before
you go oh the thing i should do to
acknowledge where you're at is go out
with my friends so that you can do the
thing that you want i would just say hey
i've been picking up this vibe is this
really
like what would be rad for you and if it
would then
we do it and if it wouldn't then we
don't the the keys to the kingdom thing
is huge
because we
so many people expect their partner to
be a mind reader yes
and they're not
and just giving them
a blueprint of how to please you
of how to make you happy which by the
way i mean it translates
directly to the bedroom
a lot of people aren't having the sex
they should be because they're literally
not talking to each other
they're both trying to read each other's
minds and be these master lovers
and
like read each other and i know you're
gonna like this and i'm gonna try this
and but the truth is what makes amazing
sex is two people
who say i like it when you do exactly
that thing that really turns me on when
two people are in that situation i also
think the
uh keys to the kingdom thing is
something we should be always paying
attention to the things your partner
says to you often in like just
you could be in the car going somewhere
and your partner will reveal
inadvertently the keys to the kingdom
i'm a i'm a note taker
and
people might find this strange but like
if i hear something my i can't
rely on my mind to remember that three
months from now
so i write it down
and it's like if i if i have a place
where i can go to remember like these
are the things that would
over time i've realized to the keys to
the kingdom that would really please my
partner if i did them that's a really
useful thing to be able to go back to
yeah and the
other thing i will say is that you never
that keys to the kingdom thing if your
partner tells you something
that would or let me reverse it if you
told your partner if you gave your
partner the keys to the kingdom this
thing that would really mean a lot to me
and then they don't do it
or they don't
care enough to do it that becomes a
great
revealer of the relationship itself
because
i think one of the greatest things the
greatest values that keeps a
relationship going is
teamwork
and i mean not just the kind of teamwork
of we're on a joint vision together but
the kind of teamwork that says we are a
team in making each other as happy as
possible do facts
want the other person to succeed yeah
like that is one thing that uh watching
other people in relationships i'm like
do you want them to win or are you
trying to win like what what's happening
here yeah so yeah you've gotta want to
see them be happy and if and if they
tell you something this is gonna really
please me if you do it
if then you should be doing that thing
and if you're with someone that too many
times in a row you keep saying these
things make me really happy when you do
them and they don't compromise your
values
they're just effort if you're in a
relationship where someone doesn't do
those things then you
then you have to start questioning is
this a teammate would you call it out
i think that there are like every
relationship is that it's all sort of
spectrum right to what extent do i
accept
that there are certain things you do you
don't like doing versus
kind of hope that
if it means a lot to me
you would do that
i don't think there's any perfect answer
to that other than
real teamwork
you you tend to know it when you feel it
and the more of it you can give i kind
of think the more
the more if you're not feeling it from
somebody else
then
give them it on the things they really
want that don't come naturally to you or
that you wouldn't nor ordinarily do i kn
this thing that you want you really like
a tidy bedroom
i don't care how do you know but i'm
gonna do it right i'm gonna i'm gonna
tidy the bedroom
because it means a lot to you
if you do enough of those things i think
it gives you a lot of leverage to go to
your partner and be like
hey this stuff that's really important
to me
you're not doing
but by the way i don't care about having
a tidy room and yet every morning i make
the bed every morning i tidy up all of
my clothes every morning i do these
things i don't do that for me
i do it because i know it makes you
happy
and i like making you happy it makes me
happy to make you happy
but sometimes i wonder why
i don't get the same in return
but i don't think we have that leverage
if we're in this tit-for-tat
mindset that you haven't been doing
these things for me that i really want
so i'm not doing them for you but now
i'm coming to you from an angry and
resentful place so i think you have to
go from a place of leverage and that
leverages i'm doing a lot to make you
happy
yeah so interesting so these are the
things that
you have to say out loud and so one
thing that lisa and i always talk about
is don't test me
so
for instance in the beginning of our
relationship i have a terrible memory
and people that see me on camera are
convinced that i have a good memory and
that i'm just being humble i'm so happy
to hear you say that brother because
it's [ __ ] terrible i'm i have a lot
of insecurity around my memory well then
you and i can be insecure together
because i have a lot of insecurity
around my memory as well yeah yeah i
thought there's something wrong with me
sometimes right there is something wrong
with me for sure i guarantee it dude the
the amount of hours that i have spent
thinking like how much farther would i
be in my life if i had a better memory
i'm not kidding so yeah yes i've had
success in my life i'm just telling you
dude i would be so much farther along if
i had a better memory a real pressure
valve for me here oh my god i think
about that all the time and i i
literally i said i said to audrey my
fiance the other day i was like
i'm so glad that we're together partly
because you're like a living archive of
my experiences like she'll tell me
she'll say
man you know the last time you remember
when we were in la like a few months ago
and you were so ill
and i'll go
uh where was that
you and i are the same i'll be like
she'll be like what are you talking
about you were like really really in a
bad way yeah and i'll have to search for
this
this memory and it freaks me out
sometimes yep yeah so the bad news is
your life would be a lot further along
if you had a better memory unfortunately
this is one of those like really real
things yeah uh yeah so
because of that i told lisa look i know
it matters to you a lot that i uh
remember our anniversary or your
birthday all of that stuff and i was
like i swear to god i am prepared to
dedicate my life to you i would
literally die for you like no [ __ ]
if there's an intruder in the house
literally just the other day this
happened and there was somebody on our
property there should not have been and
lisa calls me i come and deal with it
she does not need to deal with it i will
put myself in harm's way but i can't
promise you i'm going to remember that
our anniversary is coming up
and so on the day of our anniversary on
the week leading up to will you please
just remind me don't test me if you know
i i will make you feel to the core of
your being that you were loved by me
because i i owe her that i owe myself
that for the health of the relationship
she has to feel to the core of her
existence that i love her and all that
but don't make me remembering a date or
whatever like don't make that a test of
whether or not i really love you because
it's just not how my mind works so
that what you just said is so vitally
important to the question you asked
before which is what do you do when
someone isn't
doing those things right because let's
let's say in her mind lisa originally
came from a
paradigm of
it really is important to me when
someone remembers these occasions
what gives you the leverage
to be like can
can i get some leeway here
is
how much love you give her in all these
other vital
important ways
that she knows your heart that she knows
your intentions that she knows your
kindness that she knows who you are and
how much you love her and not just in
the sense because
i think in this argument intentions
matter but they're not the only thing
that matters in a in an abusive
relationship
a guy who says my intention is to be a
great partner it doesn't count for a lot
if a relationship is abusive especially
physically then
that to that extent intentions don't
matter for the relationship what matters
is the fact
but intentions
intentions matter on some level but what
also matters is how many other ways
you're showing up that are really
important that she's able to look at
this in the round
and go
i'm insanely happy
like this relationship makes me
unbelievably happy the fact that this
rule that i'd set up for myself
that i needed this
it doesn't actually matter anymore or it
certainly doesn't matter nearly as much
and sometimes i think what it allows us
to do is get behind the rule in the
first place the reason i had that rule
is because someone remembering the
anniversary
became a symbol
of how much they care how much they
think of me how much they pay attention
but if i feel like i know how much he
cares i know how much he's thinking of
me i know how much he's paying attention
then all of a sudden i don't need the
rule
anymore so i think that's kind of in a
way a crucial recipe for how sacrifices
do get made when they have to get made
is that you have enough credits in the
bank
in all these other ways that this thing
actually doesn't matter in the way that
it used to yeah you have to have credits
in the bank that's really well said like
if you want to make a withdrawal you
better have made a lot of deposits which
something you've talked about which lisa
and i talk about and people are super
weird about it is relationships are work
right and yeah what do you say to people
when they get weird about that
i don't
know
what life they're living that i'm not
i don't
you know
it's a kind of you know it's the same as
when people talk about no regrets and
there's a poet a british poet david
white
who wrote a beautiful essay on on regret
and the actually the importance of
regret and he said tomorrow he said um
well first he said for people who say
they have no regrets he says that where
have you been
you know like but he said regret is very
very instructive you know you you if if
you regret having bullied someone at
school
that informs
how you go about the rest of your life
and how you treat people and the warmth
that occurs in your life towards people
and the compassion occurs as a result of
that so
you know to to
to ignore regrets or to simply pass them
off is is really to to not take the
lesson with you
um and that doesn't mean that you
continuously it's not the same as
shaming yourself or wagging your finger
in your face for it it's just
he sees regret as actually an important
word in language not one to be dismissed
as you should never regret anything
but similarly
i struggle with the concept that
relationships should be easy because
i've never had an easy relationship and
i don't mean just with my partner i mean
in my life i mean with my mum with my
brothers with
my cousins with my best friends i i
wouldn't describe i would certainly
describe certain relationships as
not
containing suffering like unnecessary
suffering
but i don't have a single relationship
that hasn't involved pain
i believe our life gets gets better in
direct proportion to the number of
difficult conversations we're willing to
have
and
if and a difficult conversation with
anyone with our best friend hey that
thing you did recently upset me
which is a conversation you must have
with a best friend that's not an
enjoyable conversation for anyone no one
wants to have it the reason we call it a
difficult conversation is because we'd
rather do anything else
than have that honest conversation today
but if we can do it the relationship
gets better i wouldn't call that easy
um i think the reason people have kind
of coined that phrase when it's right
it's easy
is in contrast
to the kinds of relationships they've
been in been in that have been
torturous
where there has been true
uh
just incompatibility
where it's a constant grind where
they're having to constantly grip their
way
through it and convince themselves why
it's worth staying
why i should keep going
in those relationships i think people
then come out and they're like
it shouldn't be this hard and they're
right
it shouldn't be
that hard but i don't think that's the
same thing as i worry when we say that
the right relationship is easy because i
worry that that comes with a kind of
entitlement
that comes with a kind of i'm not
supposed to have to
do any work or
if there's a speed bump
early on which there will be of course
there will be there are gonna be days
where you find out something about each
other that you don't like
where you go oh i don't that piece of
history of yours that i didn't know
about
yesterday
that just upset me
you know and you have to now have that
conversation and wrestle with it
together and you you if it's the right
relationship
what the difference is you come out of
that conversation
stronger as a unit
that to me defines the right
relationship
i i think one of the biggest indicators
of a right relationship is being with
someone who knows how to handle you
you know
we
we spend so much time in relationships
kind of trying to weigh up who's right
and who's wrong
right someone just got jealous about
something and they kind of acted out
and
that then creates this kind of a speed
bump it creates a moment it creates a
fire to be put out and
and that would not be a moment where we
would say this is easy it'd be a moment
where we're both frustrated with each
other i don't think you should be
jealous about this thing
i'm jealous about this thing and i feel
incredibly
uh justified in being jealous about this
thing and now we're gonna like
battle this out
that to me is a moment where we get to
define
the relationship but
too often people in that situation are
arguing about who's right and who's
wrong
and the truth is
if we can
remove that for a moment and just go
is
this person who this per let's say the
person who's jealous has wounds they
have trauma there's like stuff there
that's going on for them
and
and sooner or later if they want a happy
life they might have to heal that
there is going to be someone who comes
along
everyone anyone who comes along is going
to aggravate it at some point because
it's there so it will be aggravated
that it got aggravated isn't a sign that
this person is the wrong person
to me
if this person aggravates it
and having aggravated it this trauma
just gets worse
then
that relationship may be the wrong
relationship
but if this person aggravates it
but then when this person gets jealous
the way they handle it
gives this person a chance to actually
heal
and as a result
this person starts to let go
because for them their whole life
jealousy has meant you know it's fear
it's you're gonna leave me it's i'm not
good enough it's
you know danger and then this person
comes along and aggravates it and i go
all that same stuff happens
tense up get frustrated get mad get
something but then the way you approach
me in that is a healing
presence
and then i kind of let go a little bit
now
you're right not because
not because you're such an uh because
you're right all the time you're right
because you know
how to handle me
and i think we sometimes spend
we don't spend enough time looking for
people who are actually good at handling
us and that shouldn't be an excuse for
all of our worst stuff all the time
but
i've said to clients of mine who have
coached privately
like
dude this it's not that this person
you're spending so much time going is
she in the right is she in the wrong is
she an evil person or is she an angel is
she you're spending so much time
worrying about that instead of just
going
is this
person a healing presence for me
or did they just aggravate my worst
trauma in a way that makes it worse
because i think relationships two people
should be able to come together to heal
is the person i'm with able
is it a relationship that becomes a
healing and i have to be part of that
but is it a healing presence for me and
if the answer is no
too many times in a row forget right and
wrong
it's not the relationship that's going
to help you overcome those things
that's the advanced class
that that is advanced class so
i couldn't agree more i think that
it's really interesting when i really
look at why lisa and i have lasted as
long as we have because we both have our
insecurities we can both trigger the
other person's insecurities but to your
point
we're able to help guide the other
person out but as you said
that doesn't mean that i get to just
throw my insecurities on lisa all the
time and say you deal with it or vice
versa it's like
at some point you have to own that i
can't just cycle right so
if something triggers me whoa like hey i
have this insecurity i shouldn't have to
lie about it
the person should give me that space to
have that because we all have them
if they can then it'd be amazing if they
can help you negotiate that and then at
the same time they have to hold you
accountable to not just sitting in that
all the time wallowing in it being in a
death loop
and
man that is really really hard either
people are like they throw it back at
you like oh my god you're so insecure
like you're driving crazy and it's like
okay that's not gonna be any fun to be
around
but at the same time if they just let
you like keep looping like you're never
gonna get out of it
it's
gnarly it's so true
and
the if you're on the receiving end of
the wrong behavior or behavior that's
really destructive or not productive
i think that bringing
your best to that moment is the greatest
form of closure
if the relationship ends
tell me more
you know we feel
because even when i was saying that
before i could almost hear people go
kind of imagining their worst
relationship with someone who was really
difficult
and toxic or destructive or whatever
words someone wants to use for it
and
getting angry like it's not my
responsibility to fix this thing in the
other person and they should take
responsibility for not bringing that
behavior that's all
true all of that is true
but we all know if we're honest well a
we should have a little humility because
all of us
you may not have this thing they're
bringing you but you have something
you're going to bring them
so
when you're when you're something comes
up you're going to want
someone to come to you in a healing way
this is your chance to put that credit
in the bank right
so
whether you relate to it or not
but
what i would say to those people is
modeling the behavior you would like to
see from them
a is the greatest way to influence
anybody
and that starts with
listening understanding what's behind it
understanding where it's coming from
you know i had a moment with with my
partner in the beginning of our
relationship
where i flared up over something
and
she she used a good language for it she
said
i had to figure out
is he just an ass
or is this something
is there something deeper that i could
learn
to navigate and understand about him
and might just be a sign of a wound not
a sign that he's just an ass
and
she had to
she she modeled the right behavior in
that moment she initially
like
jumped down my throat because she was
mad that i was flaring up over this
thing
but then
she took a step back and she tried to
actually
like
understand where it was coming from and
what what was going what happened in my
past that made me flare up in that
moment and she said it was a moment
where i actually endeared you to me
because i realized
oh he's not
he's not an arse he's a
like he's hurt
and this this like triggered something
for him and i and
actually when she brought me kindness in
that moment and understanding i
i used up
and
when you do that and someone starts to
ease up and they start to heal
that's a great sign
if they don't
that's also
really valuable
information because you learn nothing by
mirroring the behavior you learn
everything from modeling the behavior
you want to see
and seeing if they can rise
to that and if they can't
you have your answer about where this
person is in the their evolution as a
human being and whether it would be at
all wise
for you to continue down a path because
if someone cannot in any way meet you
there
and there's no like there's no signs of
that happening
then
you can make an informed decision you
can say am i really going to spend
10 years being this person's therapist
in a relationship
do i have that kind of time is there any
guarantee that if i did they would even
change no
okay so this might be a terrible
terrible bet to make
but if i model the right behavior and
and something shifts
and it starts to produce a better
relationship
well then that's a huge huge success
you've got to want them to win man it's
so interesting i that's so
true and so useful
one that you may not have the same
insecurity but there's going to be
something that you do have
that you establish like how should we
respond to each other like lisa and i in
the early days and i think i've talked
about this before on camera i'm almost
certain
so
i have a very long fuse so it takes a
lot to make me angry but once i get
angry then like i'm in it and it would
in the beginning of our relationship it
would sometimes be more than 24 hours
before i'd calm back down
and so it just always ended up being
this catastrophic waste of time
and in the early part of our
relationship where i was off working and
so work and relationship were very
separated
uh the weekends were the only time that
we were engaging with each other and if
i ended up getting pissed on a saturday
it was like
man you basically lost a week you know
what it means so it's just like a real
catastrophe i know that feeling intimate
oh it's [ __ ] terrible so i would get
mad let's say early in the day and then
i wouldn't finally be able to pull
myself out of it until later that night
or the next day and then
never once was i like you know what well
done for being mad that long like that
was a good use of time and so i ended up
writing down
this letter to myself
and i gave it to her to read back to me
and it was like all this stuff has to be
negotiated in the beginning and so
the letter was basically hey me it's me
you have no ulterior motive because i
always thought lisa would try to
apologize or whatever because she just
felt bad that she'd upset me but that
she really was wrong and that there
needed to be some sort of recompense
and without that then the the injury was
not worthy of being forgiven
and
because i realized
every time you finally emotionally shift
out of that space you wish you had just
let it go instantly
and it's only because you have this
weird thing about like no no she's just
apologizing because she's not because
she actually feels bad
but because she just doesn't want to
feel badly about
me being annoyed or whatever she did
that was wrong so hey me it's me you
know you have no ulterior motive you've
never once thought that this was time
well spent so right now
force yourself to laugh out loud because
you know that if you laugh out loud you
won't be able to stay angry you'll shift
your neurochemistry and and you'll be
able to move past this
and i gave it to lisa and i said the
next time i get pissed read this back to
me i won't want to hear it i'm going to
be super [ __ ] annoyed that you pull
this out but i i will honor this
marriage by laughing out loud i'm in my
sober moment i'm giving you this thing
and i'm committing myself to actually
doing it she only had to read it once
and it was so effective when she pulled
out the phone and she's like hey me it's
me i have the chills now
and i forced myself literally i don't
even think she made it through the whole
thing
and i laughed out loud and i was like i
can't believe that worked but just
hearing my words coming back to me and
so it's like this whole thing about
you've got to want the other person to
win you've got to give them the keys to
the kingdom you've got to be like trying
to meet them there right like she's in
the apology she was legitimately
modeling the behavior
that i would want in the reverse
and because i could see that i was
falling prey to some weird death loop in
my own mind i was like okay this is
going to be the way that you get me out
of this and then not only did it work it
worked so well that i never needed her
to read that to me again because i was
like okay i want her to win i don't want
to waste the time i know what it takes
to change my own neural chemistry so why
do i need that and we've come up with
other things throughout the times like
for a while she carried these love chips
again it only ever had to be played once
and then you realize like how effective
it is and it was just like
i want this person to remember that i
love them
and that if in the middle of your hurt
because it's like i don't usually get
upset over something dumb i get upset
over something real like it's the thing
that you did really is like you would
reflect on and be like yo i shouldn't
have done that i'm reflecting like yeah
you definitely shouldn't have done that
but i know you love me yeah and because
i know how easy it is for me to be the
one that does something stupid that i
really shouldn't have done and that you
would agree i shouldn't have done all
that like to have that little thing that
you just slide across the table
but you have to agree on all this stuff
you have to talk about it you have to
like say here are the rules i had to say
hey if you read me this letter i'm
actually going to do it and then you
have to stick to it there's just so much
in what you just said that is
valuable valuable
insight the pattern breaking which i've
heard you talk about like you have to be
you have to be a ninja about pattern
breaking yourself right i think you said
that in one of your videos
like it's
essential to understand yourself in
those ways and whatever you mechanism
you have for breaking that pattern
one mechanism is telling your partner
so that they know
you know and i i did a similar thing
with audrey where i said when i'm in
that state because i have a it sounds
like you and i have some similarities
when i'm in that state i'm not in my
right mind and i can't i find it really
hard to let go
and i said to her
when i'm when it feels like i'm pushing
you away in those moments i'm desperate
for you to love me
preach dude that's so true desperate for
you to love me and to and i need to see
like can i push you away and you'll
still come back exactly even though it's
terrible it's a really dope habit but
and it but it's true and i said like i'm
it's gonna feel like i'm being well i am
being cold and i'm pushing but trust me
there is a
child inside that is just so terrified
you're not going to love me that
i like
i push you away
and that understanding is invaluable
because of course for her then she knows
in those moments
oh this isn't about me and it's not
and it's not a it's not personal and he
doesn't not love because the problem is
you get into this right crazy cycle
where i'm pushing her away and then she
goes he doesn't love me
and it's the exact opposite of what's
true
and
and that giving that person the keys to
the kingdom as you say is giving the
person the understanding of what's
really going on so i love that you said
that and the
you know what you said about the
remembering
that oh lisa loves me so much if she did
something
the the core of her is that she loves me
so much it's not this behavioral thing
it's not this slip up it's not it's this
that is like i call them emotional
buttons i have a retreat program where i
do a whole section on this because to me
knowing what your emotional buttons are
is the key to life you you essentially
are learning how to program your
thoughts and your emotions and that
thought i know how much lisa loves me at
her core is an emotional button
i had
one that i got
from childhood where
we were me
my brothers
and a few friends were all playing in
the garden
and i don't even remember what happened
but something upset me so badly
or the way maybe it wasn't even a big
thing that upset me but the way it was
reacted to or the way i felt in that
moment
was so i got in my head so badly about
it that i went to my room and sulked
and didn't come out
and
then
it turns out this whole plan was made
for like my brothers and my friends
to all go to their house
to carry on like this really fun day and
have a sleepover at my friend's house
and
but not without me everyone wanted me
involved everyone was like knocking on
my door going matt like come on let's go
like it's going to be super fun and it
was so important to me
to make a point
about this thing and
pushing everyone away
that i didn't go i told them to leave
and i watched the car leave
the house from my bedroom window
i cannot tell you how much i remember
the next day my brothers came back and
there were stories and there were all
these wonderful things that happened
they got excited about the night and it
was such a great sleepover and
i regretted it
so badly
and it never that was
such in the scheme of my life
and
really insignificant moment and yet
i never forgot it because i it never the
lesson level never left me that i cost
myself that amazing
fun time with
a bunch of people that love me
with my brothers who are my best friends
with my friends they all had this
wonderful time and no one was against me
no one was trying it wasn't like they
said we're gonna go make this plan
without matt everyone's like matt come
it's gonna be fun and i denied myself
that
i've i've never forgot that and when i
feel i find myself
sabotaging myself or something good
when i'm upset today
i remember that sleepover
and that becomes an emotional button
a pattern break for me in the same way
that you know
lisa loves me
is a pattern break for you and i think
that's such those things are really
really powerful and if you ever find one
for anyone out there whoever finds one
of these write it down
and have it somewhere where it's to hand
so that the next time a situation like
that occurs you have a place to go to
connect with that truth
because the life is there's all these
truths in winston churchill said men
occasionally stumble over the truth but
most pick themselves up and carry on as
if nothing happened
right you occasionally stumble over a
truth about life about
about your partner about your
relationship about yourself when you get
one of those truths you like
write it down somewhere where in your
your moments where you're finding it
hard to access truth
you can you can go there because those
things are life-changing and they plug
you back in
to life itself and what's important
yeah that's really critical there's one
thing about me that i think has really
helped a lot with my success which is
that i don't trust everything i feel i
recognize myself as a deeply flawed
individual that routinely does dumb
things
and that may sound negative but it it
has stopped me from compounding
the problems
and so i remember
when you were telling that story
unfortunately for me that moment came
much later in life
but lisa and i got in a huge fight it's
the biggest fight we've ever been into
this day
and we were yelling at each other over a
cup of tea
and the fight had been going on for
it had to be close to two hours
and we were on our way to a weekend