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what I want to do is walk you through
the ultra concrete steps that I went
through the changes that I had to make
to truly become Unstoppable so that's
what this is all about now I want to
Define Unstoppable it's a cool headline
that led you this far but the notion for
it to really be usable we're going to
have to pull it out of the ether and
bring it right back down to life now
here's the truth life is [ __ ] hard
that is just a truth but you have a
choice all of us have a choice whether
we're going to be weak or we're going to
be strong and one of the things that I
had to learn in my life is that choice
is mine it is nobody else's and that if
I was going to make a choice to be
strong that I was going to have to take
complete ownership of my life I was
going to have to hold myself to a
standard and this may be the most
important I couldn't tolerate weakness
in my life and look I'm not saying that
hardships don't befall people I'm not
even saying that some of you watching
this the deck is stacked against you so
viciously it is clearly not fair
but I will ask this question and now
what
if life is inordinately stacked against
you for whatever reason bad genetics bad
parenting grow up in the wrong
neighborhood whatever the case may be
for whatever reason the deck is stacked
against you and now what what are you
going to do about it the only thing you
can really do is get [ __ ] strong
toughen up carry whatever burden you
have and show people that you can do
anything you set your mind to but to do
that you've got to take responsibility
for becoming great and greatness is not
some [ __ ] behind the sky thing it's
a set of [ __ ] skills that lets you
climb up the competency hierarchy to
actually get better to outperform people
and to do what the ancient Greeks called
Techni to build a set of skills that
means something to you for whatever
reason that you've worked your ass off
to acquire that allow you to serve not
only yourself but to serve other people
all right in life there are two ways to
lose way number one is to be weak to lat
grit to be emotionally unstable to be
stubborn that's where a lot of people
fall on their face they have these
[ __ ] ideas in their head and they're
constantly looking for things to affirm
that instead of doing what they need to
do which is constantly looking for ways
that you're wrong and once you start
seeking out ways that you're wrong
because you're like I've gotten this far
in life being wrong what happens if I
stop being stubborn I start looking for
ways that I can learn more that I can
get rid of old ideas that aren't working
for me and really move forward and the
thing that I think is probably the most
foundational they have a fixed mindset
now what is a fixed mindset it means
that you believe your talent and
intelligence are inborn traits you're
born with it and that's it and life is
about making the best of that and we're
going to debunk the [ __ ] out of that the
second way that things can go wrong is
they're chasing the wrong thing I'm
telling you right now the punch line to
life is not success it's not fame it's
not money it's not accolades it is very
simple it's brain chemistry AKA
fulfillment the only thing that really
matters at the end of the day is how you
feel about yourself when you are by
yourself and this class is really going
to be about building in those things
that make you feel confident and secure
in who you are impervious to the slings
and arrows that come from other people
and that really is something that you
can do but it's going to take a lot of
earning credibility with yourself
putting in the work to really become
extraordinary but we're going to walk
through the step-by-steps of how you do
that now what's the cost of weakness
as somebody who spent year Decades of my
life much to my dismay
um accepting weakness in my life being
very okay with performing below my
standard constantly asking myself what
does what is the least I need to do to
avoid getting in trouble
and the cost of that is a loss of
self-respect or just never building
self-respect in the first place
certainly you're not going to make any
progress in life you end up leading in
this downward spiral because weak people
are bitter people because they feel like
they're being taken advantage of they're
not taking ownership in their life
they're putting the blame on other
people and because of that they start to
get pissed they have some really [ __ ]
dark fantasies and I'm going to imagine
that many of you are like me and in my
weekdays man I used to think about just
bad [ __ ] happening to other people the
people that I imagined were the people
that were holding me down when in truth
what was happening is I wasn't standing
up for myself and what I was really
pissed about was that or maybe not even
that I really was pissed at the other
people but what was stopping me from
making progress what was focusing me on
Vengeance and wanting to see other
people go down in flames was that I
didn't believe that I could rise up and
because I didn't believe I could rise up
the only thing I could think about was
tearing other people down
we're going to break you out of that all
right what's the cost of strength
Eternal vigilance you always have to be
on the lookout it's so easy to slide
back into a fixed mindset it's so easy
to get angry or bitter or to look at
somebody else and how much easier we
perceive them as having it especially in
[ __ ] in Instagram or Facebook where
you're seeing people putting their
highlight reel and you think [ __ ] them
like I want some of that in my life it's
not fair and once you find yourself
there you have to catch yourself every
[ __ ] time you've got to get out of
that pattern you've got to break those
Notions of one comparing yourself to
other people which comparison is the
thief of joy and you've got to realize
you've got to take ownership if you want
the same results somebody else is
getting you've got to build the same
skill set and that brings us to Clarity
what do you want if you want to be
strong you're going to have to know
exactly where you're trying to get to
and you've got to accumulate the skills
necessary to take you there
and to do that it's all going to take a
lot of hard [ __ ] work all right I
told you a little bit about my backstory
but I'll go into a tiny bit more detail
uh when I went to film School College
um I did really well in the beginning
and I really thought that I was
naturally talented and I was so stoked
and I thought I was one of only four
people selected to do a senior thesis in
a school where you're more likely to get
into Harvard Law than you are to get
into the school so I thought it was hot
[ __ ] I got into the school everyone told
me I'd never get in I got in and then on
top of that everyone's like well you got
in but you're never going to direct your
senior thesis and I got selected to do
that as well so I thought I was going to
kill it on the senior thesis I was going
to graduate get my three picture deal in
Hollywood and my life was going to be
set and then I completely [ __ ] up my
senior thesis film and realized one cold
hard fact
I wasn't talented now if I'd had a
growth mindset and realized I just
wasn't talented yet and I could build
those skills then everything would have
been would have been fine but the
reality was I didn't realize that I get
into this downward spiral I start
sliding towards depression I end up
getting fired from a stupid job I called
myself the king of remedial jobs at that
time I was having trouble paying my
bills at once I was on unemployment for
a while I couldn't pay my student loans
I mean it was it was gnarly and I didn't
know how to get out of that and I ended
up
being able to completely turn my life
around but I wasn't able to do that
until I took full and complete ownership
and realized one of the most important
things when you think about change which
is that the human animal is the ultimate
adaptation machine we are literally
designed to change we are designed from
the ground up to adapt to stressors
directed stressors we have to decide in
what way we want to change but we can
change in any way that we want and I
ended up after going through that whole
process being somebody who was not only
capable of lifting themselves up but I
ended up running a production line in a
manufacturing company that I helped
found that went from nothing to being
number two on the Inc 500 list and on
the production line there were both
Crips and bloods and able to help keep
the peace keep that going and running
smoothly because I had taken myself from
that broken scared insecure kid who
didn't think that he could get better to
realizing that I could own myself that I
could be confident that I could develop
the skill set both leadership skills
soft skills hard skills and then I could
go in there and I could command that
kind of respect in fact a better way to
say it I earned their Respect by working
harder than anybody else by having a
deeper set of skills and by empowering
them and lifting them up all with the
things that I'm going to be walking you
through in this class
now the way that you're in respect with
yourself and others is through [ __ ]
performance so I'm now going to walk you
through the concrete steps that you're
going to get to that level of
performance step number one you have to
own your life if you haven't heard of
the notion of extreme ownership I highly
encourage you to read the book by the
same name by Jocko willink and Leif
Babin and the punchline of all of it is
if you're blaming other people for the
state of your life you are [ __ ] my
friend because you're pointing at the
wrong person you're looking in the wrong
place why not because you won't be
victimized you will be victimized in
your life unfair [ __ ] is going to happen
to you bad breaks are going to come your
way things that shouldn't be that
difficult are that difficult there may
be systematic Injustice against you
but if you don't believe to the core of
your being in cause and effect you're
never going to be able to set yourself
free the whole idea behind extreme
ownership is not to victim blame or to
say anything harsh or negative about you
it is simply to remind you
that when you take ownership when you're
not looking to deflect blame you go into
a proactive
solution-oriented mindset and you start
asking what could I have done
differently to get a different result
that's it what could I do differently
that will give me a different result
once you put yourself in that frame all
the time always and forever over and
over and over not only do you earn
people's respect because you're never
looking to blame somebody else you're
always asking yourself what did I do to
end up here how did I put myself in the
situation even if the response from the
outside world is unjust unfair all of
that but you're looking at it and you're
not asking oh I want this to change I
want it to be different woe is me I'm a
[ __ ] victim which is passive which is
giving up your power you retain your
power you say I believe in cause and
effect I can do something different and
I can get a different effect
when you own that then you are able to
make progress and the other thing that
you remember is the human adaptation
response is the way I like to think of
it is it's a response to adapt or die
you're putting your body and your mind
under directed stress meaning it's
disciplined practice you're really
looking at what what do my goals demand
where am I trying to get to we're going
to talk more about Clarity in a minute
but where do I want to get to what's the
skill set Gap that I have to cross and
then how do I actually be how do I
actually practice those things how do I
put myself in that very specific stress
environment where I'm getting to the
edge of my abilities I'm going a little
bit beyond and then I get a little bit
stronger I'm able to do a little bit
more I push myself into those areas and
it's not about just doing what you're
good at this is the thing that drives me
crazy when people give that advice
it is not just about doing what you're
good at it's about figuring out what do
I need to get good at in order to
achieve my goal and then going into the
areas via practice where you are weak
breaking those down and saying I'm going
to need to get good at this thing which
I might not be naturally good at but I'm
going to have to practice and get good
at that thing
and once you understand the way the
mechanisms of brain plasticity and the
way that your brain is trying to rewire
itself to optimize for the thing that
you repeat so when you go in and you
start practicing and you're pushing
outside of your comfort zone you're
doing it over and over and over your
brain reorganizes itself and you can
quite literally change the form and
function of your brain in order to
accommodate the new skill that you're
trying to acquire it's what I call the
only belief that matters the fact that
as you put your your time and energy
into doing something into getting good
at it that you will be rewarded your
energies and efforts will be rewarded
with a new set of skills that have
utility you can deploy that utility to
be able to do different [ __ ] so the
easiest way to think about it is to use
the body as an analogy I think everybody
agrees if you go into a gym and you lift
weights and you lift them to failure and
you're pushing yourself to lift things
that are a little bit heavy they're a
little bit outside your range you can't
do it three times maybe you can only do
it once or twice you go the next time oh
you could only do it once before but now
you can do it twice and then you can do
it three times and then you can do a
heavier weight for once and then that
one's at three times and then also the
one that you could only do once a while
ago you're now doing for 15 reps and you
get bigger and you get stronger people
get it when it comes to the body but a
very similar process is happening in the
mind when you go to learn new skills and
if you believe in that which you don't
have to take my word for it you can go
look up brain plasticity it's [ __ ]
real this is not debated anymore this
was highly debated back in the 90s
nobody's debating this [ __ ] anymore
brain plasticity is real you can learn
new things you do create new brain cells
at any age literally until the day you
die
so once you understand once you take
ownership once you start looking at
skill acquisition once you're doing uh
you're forcing yourself into that
adaptation response you're putting
directed stress on your abilities then
you're going to be able to expand your
abilities hey everybody Tom here quick
question are you enjoying today's
episode certainly helps out if you are
here's the deal today's class is a
preview of a workshop that I gave from
Impact Theory university called how to
own your life over the last few months
and years I have to imagine all of us
have been given a lot of valid reasons
to stop chasing our goals and dreams and
give up ownership of our future it's a
pretty weird time but like I said at the
start of this Workshop life is brutally
tough and you're going to be tested over
and over again the lessons and tactics
you're learning right now are going to
be needed now more than ever in this
free preview here I'm giving you the
first five strategies to truly take
ownership of your life and if you want
to get free access to the second half of
this Workshop you can register to watch
part two at ownyourlife
dot impact theory.com or just click the
link in the description when you do I'll
also send you the worksheet that
accompanies this class which includes
action items and summaries of everything
we're covering here again your link is
ownyourlife.impacttheory.com go register
now then come back here and finish this
episode all right let's get back to it
all right step number two learn to
create new values this is where people
fall down this is the thing that I don't
think anybody is talking about which is
that your value system is malleable now
the easiest way to explain this is to
talk about how South Korean Airlines
used to be the used to have the worst
safety record in all the Airlines and
there was this really cool documentary
that was done called something like Fox
Tango Charlie or something it's three
call signs anyway I need to remember
this so I can [ __ ] just tell people
what it is but be very easy for you to
find and in that documentary they
reenact like a play the Black Box
recording of some of the most famous
Airline disasters in history and one of
them is from South Korean Airlines and
the way that the co-pilot who could tell
that they were about to crash into a
Mountainside was he was so afraid to
break cultural protocol didn't want to
push too hard didn't want to be
disrespectful and so literally let them
crash into a Mountainside be because he
didn't want to offend the pilot who kept
saying no everything is fine and when I
was watching that I was like are you out
of your [ __ ] mind I'd be freaking out
I would grab the sticks if I had to and
I thought but I'm not foolish enough to
think that if I were raised in that
environment that I wouldn't have that
same value structure where hierarchy
means everything respecting your elders
means everything and so the only way
that they were able to break down that
value system was in the cockpit and this
completely reversed their safety record
in the cockpit they were only allowed to
speak English they had to refer to each
other by their first names and there was
a written protocol for how you can
interrupt them and tell a pilot that
they're wrong and that they're making a
mistake and I thought that's so
interesting they're doing everything
they can with the different language
with the first names to get them out of
that traditional value system shake them
out and let them know there's a
different value structure when you're
inside a plane
now it's really that's always really
interesting to me because we have here
at impact Theory a South Korean person
who grew up here in America and for them
that value system seems just as weird
because they were raised here in America
I thought that's so interesting from a
DNA perspective obviously matches very
well in uh with the South Korean values
that we would typically think were oh no
it's just innate it's just it's it is a
truth and that is often what people
mistake their very changeable values for
is they mistake it for truth that of
course you afford your elders that level
of respect of course you would never
dare to challenge somebody who's your
Superior and it seems self-evidently
true to somebody who grew up in that now
the reason that I belabor that point is
I want you to understand growing up
where you grew up with the parents that
you had in the culture that you had all
of that stuff has shaped your value
system and you don't even realize you've
been making choices all along the way
that have developed a value system for
you and what I want you to start are
doing now is challenging those values
and asking what do I want to value now
the reason that this makes sense is
because once you invest in a value and
you say okay this thing I'm going to
choose to Value this like I value speed
I value efficiency now because I have
chosen to Value it because I've invested
so heavily into that into
and I do it by the way because it's good
for business so I want to have this
neurochemical reaction which is the big
reason for developing your values you
want to have a neurochemical reaction so
that you get a positive reward when you
move fast when you create momentum so
that when I'm doing something that
aligns with what a business needs a
business needs momentum okay so if a
business needs momentum I need to prize
momentum which means I need to make it a
value so what do you do write your
values down Journal about your values
and why they're important that is a
really critical part of all this so that
you're reinforcing it in your own mind
and then when you're aligned with it
then you want to reward yourself and
you're going to have to get good at that
of congratulating yourself telling
people that you love like I always tell
my wife if I did something that I'm
super excited about and that's really
important to me I'll let her know so
that I'm not only writing it down I'm
getting that external reinforcement and
then that over time hardwires that
neurochemical reward into you so
repetition is going to be a big part of
this but decide what your values are
going to be realize that they're
malleable and then build which is Step
number three the ultimate value stack
for becoming Unstoppable
number one in the value stack that you
should build is self-reliance you need
to know that nobody's coming to save you
that you shouldn't want anyone to save
you that you should want to be in
control of your own life you should look
at what you're trying to accomplish
recognize what the skill set is that you
need to get and then realize that no
one's going to push you to do it you
have to do it don't wait for somebody to
remind you or hold you to a standard
hold yourself to that standard the next
is self-respect you need to have
integrity if you say something do that
thing you want to know that you can
trust yourself when you know you can
trust yourself and you're doing things
that are worthy that you value then you
begin to develop that self-respect
you're not going to get anywhere until
you're able to build that self-respect
and it really does start nice and small
nice and simple if you say you're going
to do something do it so pick things in
your real life whether it's going to the
gym whether it's cutting out sugar
whether it's taking a cold shower you
want to have bright lines in your life
that you use that you make sure you're
building into your self-respect I said I
was going to do it and I do it no matter
how [ __ ] hard it is if you do that if
you start sticking to what you say
like you're going to commit to yourself
in this course and if you actually stick
through win or lose succeed or fail
you're going to build your self-esteem
all right the next thing that you want
to have as a value is growth you want to
make sure that every day you're checking
yourself am I actually getting better am
I pushing myself outside my comfort zone
and improving and if you're not
improving then that needs to be one of
those things that oh man it sucks you're
like [ __ ] I'm just stagnant I'm not
really getting anything done that needs
to bother you a big part of this is that
it's going to bother you on a body level
no matter what because the human animal
is wired to be chemically rewarded for
growth progress is a foundational part
of getting better it's a foundational
part of fulfillment and if you want to
have that level of fulfillment in your
life then you've got to be focused on
growth the next is resilience AKA
toughen the [ __ ] up
I know a lot of people don't like to
hear it like that but I want to get your
attention you need to toughen up you
cannot tolerate weakness in yourself
that's just the [ __ ] truth and you've
got to when you know that you're acting
weak you've got to call yourself out
you've got to say I don't allow that in
my life and valuing resilience
is going to be one of those things that
one it's it is a skill set that you can
absolutely develop and when you value
that then you're going to get stronger
and stronger and be able to carry more
and more weight as you go and if you
want to talk about earning people's
respect let me tell you when you're the
one that in the middle of chaos is calm
is steady can provide leadership all of
a sudden you're going to see how that
begins to advance you in any aspect of
your life from self-esteem to moving up
in a company so that is the ultimate
value stack step four you're gonna have
to get mentally tough so going back to
resilience now I want to detail out
exactly how you build that you're going
to develop grit if you haven't read
Angela Duckworth's book grit read it she
defines grit as passion and perseverance
over time so often people say that they
want to do something but then ah they
got into it they did it for a couple
months and then they lose interest and
they stop doing that if you do it once
or twice fair enough you're finding that
thing that really resonates with you but
if you find you're doing it over and
over and over chances are you don't have
the writ to persevere when things get
hard or when they get boring and that's
the boredom is something a lot of people
don't see coming so you want to make
sure that you're able to develop your
passion and persistence over time
the next thing you want to do is move
towards fear I find that
fear is a very useful thing it can keep
you safe but it can also keep you small
fear is an indicator that there are
Stakes now if you look at it and the
stakes are life or death don't do it
that doesn't make any sense but if you
look at it and the stakes are
embarrassment the stakes are you might
fail then that is almost certainly
something that you should move towards
that's one of the ways that you begin to
build that mental toughness is when you
expose yourself to fear what the
literature shows is you're not actually
getting less afraid what you're doing is
getting braver that is a big deal you
want to make sure that you're pushing
yourself and you're actually getting
braver as you go the next is emotional
stability get control of your emotions
so many people believe their emotions
because they have an emotion they
actually allow themselves to embody it
and act as if it is true the reality is
you need to learn to get control of your
emotions so that you can go from that
the in fact I'll explain it a better way
it is famously said that there is the
space between stimulus and response and
that little Gap is where you get to
elicit control someone may do something
to you that offends you but how you
respond is up to you you can't control
the incoming stimulus you may not even
be able to control that it offends you
but you can actually
absolutely control how you react to that
what is up my friend Tom bilyu here and
I have a big question to ask you how
would you rate your level of personal
discipline on a scale of one to ten if
your answer is anything less than a ten
I've got something cool for you and let
me tell you right now discipline by its
very nature means compelling yourself to
do difficult things that are stressful
boring which is what kills most people
or possibly scary or even painful now
here is the thing achieving huge goals
and stretching to reach your potential
requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
boring building your levels of personal
discipline is not easy to let me tell
you it pays off in fact I will tell you
you're never going to achieve anything
meaningful unless you develop discipline
all right I've just released a class
from Impact Theory university called how
to build Ironclad discipline that
teaches you the process of building
yourself up in this area so that you can
push yourself to do the hard things that
greatness is going to require of you
right click the link on the screen
register for this class right now and
let's get to work I will see you inside
this Workshop from Impact Theory
University until then my friends be
legendary peace out
and so you want to make sure that you
understand something about the brain the
brain tries to justify the size of your
reaction so if your reaction is small
and you don't let it upset you you stay
centered then the brain goes oh I guess
that wasn't that big of a deal if on the
other hand you freak the [ __ ] out like
this is something in my real marriage
this this is hilarious my wife cannot
[ __ ] stand if somebody cuts in front
of her in line man that is such an
offense to her it violates her
principles and she wants to get super
pissed and worse she wants me to get
pissed but because I value the staying
calm Equanimity and I don't value raging
out of freaking out so I weigh is it
really a big deal if they cut if it is
and I'm like running late for a flight
or something then I'm gonna say yo
[ __ ] you got to get out because
there's something else that's going on
that makes that an important moment to
me but if it's a moment where it doesn't
really matter and I know that by having
a big reaction my mind is going to
reinforce that it's a big deal and it's
only going to bother me more the next
time then I keep my Equanimity I stay
chill and my brain goes oh I guess this
isn't that big of a deal
so you really want to make sure that you
practice that stuff one of the best ways
to practice that believe it or not is a
cold shower but we'll get more into that
later all right you want to increase
your ability to deal with stress so part
of this comes down to Identity so what
kind of person are you so I use the
phrase I'm the type of person that so
I'm the type of person that stays chill
in the face of stress now why do I do
that because to run a business where
things are constantly going wrong you
have to be able to stay chill even in
the face of stress so I need to value
that going back to what's the value
hierarchy what are the values necessary
to achieve my goals and then I know my
values are malleable so I'm going to
choose to Value being chill and the way
that I'm going to reinforce that and
really make it something that influences
my behavior is to remind myself of what
kind of person I am to Value being that
kind of person to tell other people that
I'm that kind of person and then want to
be congruent with that notion and the
feeling of congruence of saying I'm a
certain way acting that way and then
actively valuing it so when I act in
alignment with that with that I feel
good about that because I've done the
hard work of building that value into my
neurology so that I have this this
neurological neurochemical Cascade of
actual feel-good chemicals so that I
really feel this sense of psychological
um positivity as I act in accordance
with that identity so identity is huge
identity drives Behavior so you want to
really take control of that make sure
you're crafting an identity and telling
yourself a narrative that empowers you
and makes you feel good about yourself
all right the other thing you want to do
is reframe stress as a challenge just
reframing it in fact this this is true
of anything there's a an amazing
Shakespeare quote nothing is either good
or bad but thinking makes it so and once
you reframe stress instead of being
something that's dangerous something to
be avoided you reframe it as a challenge
something that you can learn from then
all of a sudden it becomes something
that you're willing to move towards and
obviously moving towards the things that
are stressful which signal that there
are Stakes right going back to that
notion of fear when you are moving
towards the things that actually matter
that actually have Stakes those are
probably the biggest areas for
opportunity so when you look at that as
something that is a challenge then you
can begin to make progress and like I
said a minute ago meditation is one of
the best ways to get into this like if
you want to get mentally tough
ironically enough you're going to want
to practice your meditation so that you
can practice rapidly de-escalating your
emotions rapidly de-excitating your
nervous system going from the
sympathetic nervous system which is
fight or flight to the parasympathetic
nervous system which is rest and digest
all right you guys are going to have to
get super comfortable being
uncomfortable whether that means that
you want to go run a marathon or ask
somebody for their phone number whatever
you're uncomfortable is you want to be
able to live in that space and be chill
about it and this is another area that
cold showers are amazing because cold
showers suck and they're going to send
you into fight or flight immediately
everything in your body is going to be
screaming for you to get the [ __ ] out of
that cold water it's actually going to
feel like it's life or death
but it's not and so you can stand in
there in the cold water
relax yourself
calm down
and realize okay nothing bad is
happening and when you push that and
extend the time you get better and
better with dealing with discomfort now
depending on what your goal is this may
be incredibly valuable if you have any
notion of developing leadership in your
life if you have any idea of wanting to
take on more responsibility because you
want to do more with your life or you
want to make more money
getting comfortable in those areas of
discomfort is going to be absolutely
critical even telling the truth can be
completely uncomfortable because you're
upsetting somebody else or it's a very
hard truth and so getting comfortable
there is is very critical all right for
me one of the things I struggled with
was standing up for myself I was always
worried about hurting other people's
feelings I was always worried of
potential confrontation
and so getting comfortable in that
friction sitting there until we actually
find a solution instead of wanting to
make everything okay as fast as possible
that was really really critical all
right
you need to get up every time you fail
this is one of those things that you can
practice look there's no way to
guarantee that you're not going to fail
but you can certainly practice getting
up every time you fail and the way to do
that is to develop a growth mindset so
we described or defined a fixed mindset
earlier a fixed mindset is when you
believe your talent and intelligence are
fixed traits a growth mindset is when
you believe your talent and intelligence
are malleable traits that you can
actually change them you can improve
them you can get better over time
smarter over time more competent over
time and to do that you just need to
reframe the failure as a learning
experience so that's one of the big ones
people that can really fail without
losing their enthusiasm in fact it's a
Churchill quote he says success is going
from failure to failure to failure
without a loss of enthusiasm so reframe
that failure as a learning experience
because failure is truly the most
information Rich data stream there is
alright step five you've got to push
yourself physically if you you want to
get tough you've got to test yourself
and there's no better or more reliable
way to test yourself than to push
yourself physically you've got to stop
asking how little you can get away with
and start asking one of the most
powerful questions in the universe which
is how much can you bear adaptation only
happens when you get way outside of your
comfort zone when you get to fatigue
when you get to absolutely not being
able to lift another rep that's when
your body shifts over into adapter die
mode and you begin to actually make
progress if you haven't read David
Goggins book can't hurt me he talks
about how to callous your mind through
physical activity how to do some really
hard [ __ ] and hold yourself accountable
so that you're actually asking yourself
I said I was going to do this did I do
it or not am I doing hard things
physically am I challenging myself and
because the mind and body live in this
reciprocal Loop if you're not optimizing
one you're never going to be able to
fully optimize the other so I wish I
wish personally that I could just treat
myself like a brain floating in a jar
somewhere that would be ideal for me but
I know that I cannot cognitively
optimize I know that I will never reach
my maximum mental toughness unless I'm
testing myself putting my body through
the paces making sure that physically
I'm in a good place and every day that
passes science is showing another way
that the mind and body are connected and
that if one is in ill health the other
is going to be an ill health so you've
got to make sure that as a way to really
toughen up as a total ecosystem that
you're getting your body and your mind
together and I love Goggins notion of
the accountability mirror of looking
yourself dead in the [ __ ] eye at the
end of every day or at the beginning of
the day and evaluating your past
performance and what you're going to do
in the future I think it is
extraordinarily helpful to be honest
with yourself be very direct not as a
way to beat yourself up and I know a lot
of people get stuck there
it's not what I'm talking about
I'm talking about being honest with
yourself about what you're doing about
how you've performed about whether or
not you're being weak in something
because if you're being weak the only
problem with that is ignoring it is
pretending like it's okay is not holding
yourself to a standard it's going to
happen from time to time but if you're
not honest with yourself about where you
are if you're not having that hard
direct talk then you're never going to
make progress all right I'm going to
give you a few things that I think
really play into testing your body
number one we've talked about cold
showers these are the [ __ ] like
that's the gold standard of daily things
to do to really push yourself it's not
fun you're not going to look forward to
it at least not if you're me but it is
one of those things that you get in at
first you do it for a very brief period
of time then you extend it farther and
farther and really begin to see just how
much you can handle physically and
mentally cold exposure also has some
pretty extraordinary effects
and another one is getting your diet
right I think that a lot of times people
are pretty LAX on their diet has a big
impact on you mentally I think you're
going to have a very hard time
um becoming Unstoppable if your body's
weak if you're
um you know wildly overweight if you're
out of shape like these are things that
really matter I think they matter
psychologically and I think they matter
physically so getting your diet on track
is super important it's beyond the scope
of this to talk about what a good diet
looks like I've talked about it we have
a whole show called Health Theory it's
all free you can go check it out and
then fasting I think fasting is an
awesome gut check mentally you're going
to find out real fast what you're
capable of in terms of the fortitude of
sticking with that so it's a great
physical test to put yourself through to
see where you're at all right I want to
issue a challenge to you guys one I want
you to take ownership of your life I
want you to say what you're going after
I want you to write it down I want you
to write down your values then I want
you to live by them and do the
accountability mirror and see if you're
actually doing it and I want you to
immediately begin interrupting the
victim mentality so when you have that
woe is me it's not my fault it was so
and so they did it to me I want you to
stop that immediately remind yourself
that you own your life remind yourself
of cause and effect remind yourself that
you are in control you could make a
different decision and you could get a
different outcome because you can't
control the world you can't control
other people you can only control
yourself and between that stimulus and
that response is your ability to make a
different choice
all right if you're reframing your
failures in your life seeing them as
lessons you've got a real opportunity to
progress if you create a compelling
future for yourself and write it down
know where you want to be know who you
want to be
know the skill set that stands between
you and that by really contemplating it
writing it down being very specific
that'll be incredibly powerful just make
sure it's something that actually
excites you complete the PDFs
so that you have something that's really
helping to organize your thoughts and
your behaviors and then engage with the
community if you do that stuff
everything that we just talked about in
this section of the course is going to
begin to solidify all right there's more
this course is four parts next up part
two if you thought today was valuable I
think you're really going to be blown
away with what we're going to be talking
about we're going to talk about becoming
anti-fragile tapping into your dark side
what Jung called The Shadow side I think
it's incredibly powerful one of the most
underutilized tactics we're gonna get
way up in that and then we're going to
talk about how to super be supercharged
by your own failures and a whole lot
more alright guys be sure to come back
because at the end of this you really
are if you put in the work going to be
unstoppable until part two my friends be
legendary take care first of all there
are many things that we're going to want
to do here much of it is going to be
reframing so I don't know maybe you
really didn't develop skills and maybe
you were floundering for seven years and
maybe you really did waste that time
probably not true but the most
terrifying way for you to approach this
question is as if that is true that you
really did quote unquote waste those
years because that's never how I would
think about it but we certainly found
things that didn't work right so Thomas
Edison talks about I didn't fail 10 000
times which supposedly is how many
filaments he tried when trying to invent
the light bulb said I didn't fail 10 000
times I simply found 10 000 ways that
didn't work and every attempt discarded
is another step forward okay so you just
spent seven years
putting things to the side that you know
aren't going to work a bunch of attempts
discarded cool you're now seven years
ahead of everybody else now you may be
approaching the job market in the wrong
way you may be applying for jobs that
require hard skills but I'm telling you
look if
an entry level position depending on
what you're trying to go into if it's an
entry level position like I am trying to
be an entry-level doctor with my you
know seven years of startup experience
this is never going to work or I'm
trying to be an entry-level coder that's
never going to work right there are
certain things that have really hard
skills and you're going to need those
hard skills go learn them right so
learning this stuff takes time and
energy but that's all it takes time and
energy okay it's what I call the only
belief that matters if you put time and
energy into learning a skill into
getting better you will actually get
better at that skill okay I'm not saying
it's not hard but who the [ __ ] cares
like it drives me crazy that people
focus on it's hard yes it's hard getting
good at [ __ ] is hard outperforming other
people is hard but if you want to win
you've got to do hard [ __ ] so you're
gonna have to lean into this you're
gonna have to get good so anyway the
fact that people get weird that learn to
code has become like some sort of weird
thing I don't understand if you want a
job at something that requires a set of
skills go get that set of skills that's
just that [ __ ] simple you're seven
years may have been a total waste of
time in the
acquisition of skills towards the job
that you want now
but unless you've just spent the last
seven years staring at a wall you have a
treasure Trove of learnings that you'll
be able to pull from so now this is a
question about how you're approaching
the job market not a question about
whether you wasted those seven years so
we have to frame this in such a way that
we understand what the value of those
seven years was how we can articulate
that value to somebody as we begin
approaching the job market and getting
good at pitching yourself is a skill and
it's not necessarily going to come easy
but I have a gut instinct that the real
problem that you have is just how to
interview for a job how to explain to
people what it is that you're good at
because
the Hard Knock Life of an entrepreneur
is
man the amount that you're learning is
so crazy leadership working with people
um how to create momentum starting from
scratch and getting your first customer
I mean it's really an extraordinary
skill set so find the right thing to
approach from a job perspective
um
practice articulating what that is
walk into the interview armed to the
teeth
with how you can help their company do
way more work than anybody else applying
for that job and you will get a job this
is where you can learn on your
entrepreneurial skills harder than
you've ever done in your life to show
people the kind of value that you can
bring the last thing I'm going to give
you on that is this idea of starting
from scratch I want you to use the brain
in a vat thought exercise I do this to
myself all the time every time I can
feel I'm about to get stuck in this Loop
of like
um you know how have I learned the right
things am I pointed in the right
direction do we just spend a year
pursuing something that was stupid
I'm never going to get that year back
I remind myself it's entirely possible
in fact I actually am a brain in a vat
it just so happens that the vat is my
skull and my brain is creating an
artificial reality
I'm not saying we live in a VR world but
I am saying your brain never light never
touches your brain sound never touches
your brain and yet you have this sense
of sound and sight and touch and feel
and all that stuff as if it were outside
of you when a reality is being created
in this virtual environment your brain
so what if I were just a brain in a vat
somewhere and all of my memories are
fake and that I actually just came
online seven seconds ago that thought
experiment is so powerful to me because
it reminds me oh my memories can work
for me or against me they're just the
background that I need to give me the
context to move forward so if this is
really just about context right which is
all memories are it's just context then
while I can't change the memories I can
change how I think about the memories
and so I'm going to re-contextualize
those seven years as being my 10 000
hours of getting good at something and
now it's like cool they weren't failures
they were lessons and now what I do with
those lessons is up to me this is like
one of the key insights of my life
you should only ever do and believe that
which moves you towards your goal
so will
feeling badly about
making what may have been a legitimate
mistake maybe you handle that poorly
maybe you should have taken the other
job or maybe you should have waited to
tell the other people no until you'd
actually signed on the dotted line right
super powerful lessons you're probably
going to handle this differently in the
future
but will beating yourself up over it
holding on to it kicking yourself
thinking what a dummy you are is that
going to move you towards your goal if
it does then do it but my gut instinct
is it will only serve you as much as it
will give you the impetus that you need
to ask yourself what should I do
differently the next time that is
powerful
spiraling out of control because you
made a mistake is not powerful in fact
you need to be decisive in life you made
a [ __ ] decision it didn't work out
such as life it just goes like it goes
so now we need to find a way I'm
constantly asking myself how can I get
control in my hands so that I'm not
waiting on somebody else right you could
go right now start a YouTube channel you
don't have to wait for Legacy Media to
give you the thumbs up you have a phone
get on your phone record yourself if you
can add value to people then you can
build an ecosystem so two things we're
going to reframe right it's a key part
of bouncing back from failure we're
going to reframe that failure there's
powerful lessons to be learned looking
forward we're only gonna do and believe
about ourselves that which moves us
towards our goal so we're not going to
sit there and think what an idiot we are
because it's only going to slow us down
negative energy psychologically it's not
putting you in the best place okay and
then we're going to realize hey we can
keep applying cool go do it yeah yeah
like become the best interviewer ever
get more jobs keep going it's a numbers
game and we always have the other option
which is to build the following for
ourselves but we retain that control
we're always looking for what we could
do differently we're not putting the
power in somebody else's hand okay so
here is a concept
this is a really hard reality to face
When We Are Young
we can become anything
but as we age we become something
specific
and there's a death in that there's
something that really bothers me about
that that legitimately I have the chills
right now it that [ __ ] haunts me
and so I understand what you're saying
I get go through the darkness with me
here for a minute I'm going to pull you
back out on the other side I promise
that does suck
and
I have a friend
who failed to get into the College of
his choice which would have moved him to
a different city
and the thing that kept him from going I
mean it's a whole story it's too
heartbreaking for Words stupid
and
he ended up not moving and because he
didn't move the course of his life in my
opinion changed forever
and I remember thinking why didn't he if
that's what he really wanted
why didn't he try what Alex benion calls
the third door
you didn't get in the first door fair
enough right that just sort of knock
knock anybody there
you didn't get in the
window right or the second door
but there's always the third option of
going soham
Whatever It Takes by hooker crook
to get in like
when you read Alex's book
and the things that he did to
get an interview with Larry King the
Warren Buffett one is a great example he
wanted to ask a question at the Warren
Buffett every year holds the um the
conference where shareholders get to
come and get asked questions
he worked so hard to figure out because
there's they do it in an arena there are
different microphones all over the arena
and he figured out that certain places
get called on more frequently than
others he got like five or six friends
that all had or maybe even bought shares
so that they could go do this and each
of them had the same question each of
them went to the like five or six most
likely microphones to get picked and he
went and one of them ended up getting to
ask the question and that's the third
door like doing things that nobody would
believe that somebody would do to think
that hard about the problem to
understand it that deeply and this is
the thing about magic so I've studied
magic at the Magic Castle I'm obsessed
with magic now why am I obsessed with
magic for one reason
what makes magic work
is far more impressive than it being
true like Harry Potter style Magic
it is that somebody has worked so hard
on something
thought so far in advance on something
gone so far out of their way to plant
something
that when they pull it off
it's easier to believe that it's magic
than it is to believe that they went
through all of that rigmarole so for
instance I have seen
um
I think it was David Blaine
have somebody pick a card
and then there's a it was basketball
players famous NBA players and overall
from the side there's basketballs
and he hasn't pick a card any card they
want and they pick the card and then you
know he does the thing he's like I'm
gonna find your card and all that and
he's like you know is this your card no
it's not and then of course that's a
plant and in the end he says oh actually
I know where your card is go grab one of
those basketballs he doesn't even tell
them which basketball to grab just go
grab one of those basketballs they grab
a basketball this [ __ ] stabs the
basketball with a knife pops it right
there and pulls out a card it just seems
impossible to think that he went to a
basketball manufacturer and had them
make basketballs with a card in it that
he could get you to choose it's called a
force in Magic where you lead somebody
to pick a given card
you've forced them to pick the card that
you want them to pick you put that and
he may have picked two or three
different cards and maybe he had them in
different places in the gym and
depending on which card they picked he'd
send them to whichever grouping of
basketballs he wanted them to pick and
he knows okay you know that's the Ace of
Spades uh that's the King of Hearts like
Queen of Hearts things that are like
most likely for people to pick and then
when you cut it you just you can't
imagine your brain doesn't even go to
that place
but that's what you have to do when
you've had a tremendous failure to
recognize that
you've got to get so hardcore
that people would sooner believe that
it's magic than that you just worked
that hard but that if you do that
you really can achieve whatever you want
in life so this thing has kicked you in
the teeth it's made you believe that
maybe the thing that you wanted just
isn't possible and
because of that
when you failed it feels like your whole
world view has crumbled
but in reality
there are many things that you could
Point yourself at that you could learn
to love as much or more than that other
thing and I say learn to love on purpose
everything is a process love passion
skills all of it is a process but also
there's still that opportunity to get
into the third door so you didn't get in
the obvious way
but there is a way and if you believe
that medical school is the right answer
for you now we need to find out what's
that path so I did this with film school
I didn't get into Film School the first
time that I tried and all the teachers
or sorry the counselors when you go see
them USC Film School you are more likely
to get into Harvard Law statistically
it's not about intelligence just the
number of people that apply versus what
gets accepted you're statistically more
likely to get into Harvard Law than you
are to get into USC film school and so
every counselor was like Hey you're not
going to get in and this is one of those
they didn't say words like that they
said the exact word you are not going to
get in stop taking classes like you're
going to get in just the odds are so
stacked against you there's no way and I
just thought hmm
I'm going to get in because everything
in my life is pointed at that and so I
found out who was on the admissions
committee and I found out that he
offered you could join him for lunch
because he was also a teacher you could
join him for lunch if you were a student
in his class so I took his class and I
went to his lunch and I was the only
person there which I still to this day
cannot believe that more people didn't
take him up on it and I joined him for
lunch and I said look I have one
question I didn't my SAT scores are
really low I got a 990 they wanted a
1300 scores were all different now but
you get the Gap was [ __ ] huge I said
what do I need to do with SAT scores
this low
and he said oh SAT scores just tell us
how well you're supposed to do in
college you've already missed the window
to get in as a freshman you have another
opportunity as a incoming Junior just
get really good grades if your grades
are high enough then you can get into
film school when I say that I nothing
else in my life existed for two years I
didn't drink I didn't go to parties I
didn't even date I didn't do anything
but study because I knew that I needed
to get good grades and I ended up
getting like a 395 or some crazy [ __ ]
and so when I reapplied I got in just
like he said I would okay that's the
third door finding out who's the
gatekeeper what do they actually want
there are other ways to get into medical
medical school let me tell you now it's
just a question of do you want it bad
enough to work so hard that when you
pull it off people would rather believe
it was magic than just really hard work
because if you do and you do those
things then my friend you will get in
Failure is only permanent if that's what
you choose to believe reframe it
recognize you have power recognize you
have
control over what you do and recognize
that if you leave people in awe and that
my friends is your job the only way to
really have mind-blowing success in life
is to set the bar ridiculously high
and then surpass all expectations
and that's when it looks like magic and
that's when you'll get what you want
that simple don't buy into failure it's
just a lesson oh my God my life was
tailor-made to answer your question okay
so first of all when I left for college
my mother quietly assumed I was going to
fail now she admittedly did not say
you're going to fail but she assumed I
was going to fail my father-in-law once
I'd already graduated but I wanted his
Blessing to marry his daughter he said
no because he didn't believe that I was
going to become anything now somebody
telling you that they don't want you to
marry their daughter because they don't
know that you're going to be able to
take care of them that is a pretty
direct way of saying hey kid I don't
believe in you I've often said the
greatest gift anyone can ever give you
is doubt it isn't belief your mom is
working for you your mom is giving you
the best thing that she can give you
here's the thing
the reason you oh I have the chills the
reason that you need her to believe in
you is because you don't believe in
yourself the reason you don't believe in
yourself is because you actually aren't
good enough
yet
now
your obsession your mission should you
choose to accept it
is to become good enough
to get so good that nobody can stop you
you can't be denied that booze can't
block your dunks
let that be the driving force
when in your darkest moments
you have that reminder that there are
people who don't believe that you can
pull this off
eighty percent of your time should be
spent in the light the beautiful things
you want to do your self-belief focusing
on now you're improving over time
spend the vast majority of your time
there
but there are going to be times dark
moments are coming for you and
ironically when you feel broken when you
feel like you couldn't possibly go
another step it's
proving them wrong not letting them be
right which is dark energy man it's the
dark side right but the dark side is
powerful that's why it's so seductive
we're not going to spend a lot of time
there
but we're going to recognize its power
and you can love your mom and still want
to show her and maybe one way you can
think about if you want to put this into
the beautiful side that that's your mom
who doesn't believe in herself which is
why she can't believe in you she can't
see it for herself so she can't see it
for you and so showing her just how much
is possible by just day after day
focusing on getting better it's okay to
not be good enough yet
you're the average human right don't
believe that you're special I don't
believe I'm special I think I'm
hopelessly average now when people look
at me as an after picture they think I'm
being falsely humble but they didn't see
me in my 20s I was a mess the reason my
mom quietly assumed I was going to fail
is because I was on a trajectory to fail
the reason my best friend assumed I was
going to marshmallow my way through life
that's a quote is because I was
marshmallowing my way through life the
reason my father-in-law I didn't think I
was going to succeed is because I didn't
have the drive to see my ambition
through these people had not
misidentified me I just wasn't good
enough yet and so I took that on and
said cool
I love my father-in-law he's an amazing
human being he was always very kind to
me he was very transparent that he
didn't think I was on the right path
my mom
my friends
my father-in-law
they were right
but I could change I could get better
and so I just became obsessed with
getting better so we don't need to
convince mom we don't need Mom to cheer
us on we know it is a fact of the human
existence that if you put time and
energy into getting better you will get
better it is true you cannot make a
racehorse out of a pig but you can make
a really fast Pig
so maybe this thing that you're pursuing
you're never going to be the greatest in
the world at
but even
tenfolding your life would make your
life
unrecognizable and I will say that
somebody who shows up every day for
years and years and years and years and
years sincerely pursuing Improvement
won't 10x our life you'll 100 x your
life by improving your skills it's that
simple you're just going to be improving
your skills and suddenly you turn that
lack of belief you turn that failure
into being a Guiding Light for other
people right when I said I wanted to
become an entrepreneur my family thought
it was crazy they thought I was risking
everything what was I doing
and there were times I wondered about
that had I just made my life my wife's
life miserable right that her father was
right and it really was going to make my
wife's life hard and I did quite frankly
for years
being married to me in the beginning
meant poverty it meant clipping coupons
it meant
having to track uh 2.99 rental of a
movie back when that was a thing in my
dark moments I worried that they were
right
but in my dark moments I just focused on
I'm not going to let them be right
and I only need one belief
and that is that if I put consistent
time and energy into improving my skill
set if I'm honest with myself about
where I am
what I need to do to improve I actually
will improve
and so I started saying the following
phrase to myself
don't judge yourself through the lens of
a moment
judge yourself through the lens of a
lifetime
and maybe a more practical way to think
about it is look at your life in three
to ten year tranches
in any one day you still feel like a
loser right
but when you look back over three years
and you think Hmm
I'm a lot better than I was three years
ago when you think about who you were 10
years ago like if you're one of the
earlier questions was asked by somebody
who's 23 10 years ago they were 13. were
they capable at 13 of what they are now
not by a long shot I mean the the
radical nature of the change would be
staggering from 13 to 23. when I think
about who I was at 34 right I'm 44 now
if I think about who I was at 34. oh my
God like the amount that I'm able to do
now that I couldn't do then is truly
staggering and even looking back three
years ago it's staggering
so
recognizing that
you don't need people to believe in you
you need only believe in a simple fact
about the human brain
time and energy put into getting better
will yield improved skill set skills
have utility they allow you to do things
in the world whether your mom believes
in you or not whether anybody believes
in you or not if you get good enough you
will win it's that simple so motivation
comes in waves that's the most important
thing to understand is and that's just
neurobiology so that's true for
everybody motivation is it is a very
complicated cocktail of beliefs of
excitement thinking about you know what
you're going to achieve it is how your
calorie count is how much sleep you've
gotten all of these things bundled up
and so it is inevitable that sometimes
you're really going to feel it and
sometimes you're not I am blown away
that you were able to get a seven day
streak most people go their entire lives
and not be able to string something like
that together so some of what we're
going to be doing to get you back in
that space is to remember what it was
that had you stoked in the beginning so
a big part of motivation is always about
actually want hunting that thing at the
end of the rainbow so what is your pot
of gold what is the thing that made you
want to do this in the first place and
so when it comes to working out
personally I absolutely hate working out
so I understand anybody that has
motivation for a minute and then ends up
burning out I get that so much I can't
even begin to tell you so here are the
things that I do to make sure that even
as these sort of Ebbs and flows go of my
motivation that I stay on track number
one is making sure that you want that
thing at the end that you're actually
excited about that so you've got to be
honest with yourself about what it is
that you want so often people are
judging themselves for what it is that
they want that they don't double down on
focusing on that thing so let's say that
you just want to look good when you're
naked and that that is the the God's
honest truth about what is getting you
excited about this and what you're going
to want to say is you know this is about
longevity I just want to be healthy I
want to be you know my best self but in
reality you're just thinking about out
six pack abs washboard stomach or the
way you look when you catch yourself in
the mirror what whatever is real or if
you're like me and you're a psychopath
about wanting to live forever and that
really is the thing that motivates you
then lean into that but don't let other
people's judgments about what you should
want color what you actually want
focus on what what is it you really want
what is it you really care about grab
onto that focus on that start
fantasizing about that again spending
time thinking about what it would be
like to actually have that because you
said a word in your question that I want
to take exception to which is that you
want to find your motivation again you
don't find motivation you build
motivation so we're going to build that
motivation back up by admitting what we
really want by focusing on it and
getting hype about it and then we also
want to find a way to really fall in
love with the process so what is it in
the moment in the act of actually
working out that you can get into is it
the um getting stronger for me that was
huge like knowing that I was getting
stronger and I needed to associate
something with that you want to have a
self-narrative around showing up and
doing this thing when you know other
people can't they won't during covet
during lockdown they're getting worse
they're getting weaker you're getting
stronger you're getting better and
people are so weird
about competition
but my friend let me tell you what one
of the most controversial posts that I
posted recently which I did not expect
to be controversial was that I was
talking about business
but I said this is a competition
which is patently self-evident in my
opinion
but being willing to compete with others
and to have a self-narrative around
striving and pushing and doing more than
other people are willing to do that [ __ ]
will feed your soul in a way that I
can't convey and people that are afraid
to compete people that are afraid to
lean in people are that are afraid to
make huge demands of themselves they
will fall by the wayside to the people
that can have that discipline that get
excited about pushing themselves being
accountable being consistent because
ultimately those things lead to an
actual outcome meaning you actually do
get stronger you do get better you look
better you have better longevity better
stamina whatever it is whatever that
thing is that you're motivated by you
really can achieve that but you have to
be consistent now I got motivated just
answering your question so I'm very
hopeful that that motivated you as well
all right what's up next what do we got
hi my name is Lydia I'm a violinist and
an actor
um an American living in New Zealand now
because of coronavirus I lost my jobs on
uh cruise ships so I'm just curious Tom
as to what advice you'd give to artists
Beyond doing live streams
um so like dancers actors or performers
what advice would you give to them how
to deal with the corona situation what
skills should artists be focused on and
how can they maximize this quarantine
um for the best opportunities wow I love
that so being an artist right now this
is like the best possible time to have
something that you can do by yourself
that you can improve on by yourself
that's ultimately going to have real
world consequences for you when we get
to the other side of this so here is and
and something tells me that if you're
playing professionally you already know
this but here is the the reality about
greatness great greatness is about doing
the things that are tragically boring
and that you have to repeat over and
over and over to get better at them in a
deliberate way you don't just want to
repeat them blindly but in a deliberate
way buckling down and doing the things
like for a musician playing your scales
practicing your improvisation practicing
your cold reading all of the things that
are very easy to put off when you have a
job and you're busy and you're making a
living it's it's kind of like typing
what they find is most people sort of
their their typing rate if I remember
right it's like 65 to 70 words per
minute is where most people tap out but
I think the record is somewhere around
250 correct words per minute so if the
average person is tapping out around 65
but the Delta is all the way between 65
and 250 you begin to see like how far
you can really push yourself but people
get to a level that they deem acceptable
and they just sort of stop there but
because everybody is being forced to
shut down right now if you're a musician
and you're saying look I'm not worried
about streaming and going live and all
of that which I think there's a whole
question to be answered about doing that
and about how you could generate even
more Revenue by going online but you
asked me to set that aside so I'm going
to set that aside but right now is that
chance to embrace a level of boredom
that most people are not willing to push
through in order to get to Greatness so
in a business context I always tell
people boredom kills more entrepreneurs
than anything it kills more
entrepreneurs than fear most people they
just can't slog through sucking at
something and sitting in the discomfort
that you get from doing the things that
you're not good at long enough to get
good at even those things so that you
can truly go out and create art because
I don't think you can create real art
until you've mastered the basics to the
point where as Bruce Lee said you don't
think kick you just kick
and I I love that quote and there's
another Bruce Lee idea which is I Don't
Fear the man who knows 10 000 kicks I
fear or I don't fear the man that does
ten thousand kicks one time I fear the
man that does one kick ten thousand
times and that is this moment and if you
can take this down time and let go of
how good it feels to perform I have to
imagine a big part of the reason you got
into this and that you did all of the
work when you were younger to get good
is because you love performing so much
but right now that's basically off the
table
so if in this moment you can buckle down
be disciplined set your sights on
something very specific that you want to
get good at disciplined practice at that
thing to get good at this on the other
side of this you're going to be far more
extraordinary than you were when you
went in because you no longer have the
distractions of the actual performance
you can just get down to practicing so
flip that switch in your mind and think
all about coming out the other side of
this a beast an absolute monster better
than you went in and if you can tell
yourself that story I'm committed to
this I'm willing to do these things that
other people aren't willing to do and
put in the practice and understand as
you're going through that unimaginable
boredom that on the other side of this
is a skill set that has utility
then this becomes an extraordinary time
but if you keep telling yourself the
story that so many others are telling
which is this is you know a time of
deprivation it's um just lamenting that
you're not able to perform and all the
things that made you love music in the
first place then just because you're
repeating that it becomes a dark time
focus on the other side and you will get
through this amazingly hey Tom I'm Ono
I'm from Canada and I am an author
um I have a two-part question for you
the first part is you mentioned before
that under our extremely high stress
situation it takes you up to 45 minutes
to bring yourself back down to a
baseline so the first part of my
question is what kind of stress was that
that took you up to a 45 minute window
because I know that as a general rule
you're very good at I mean mitigating
your stress and bringing it back down
very quickly so I'm just curious what
kind of stress that was and the second
part of my question is do you handle
your meditative practice differently
depending on what kind of stress is the
the trigger so for example if you are
fearful or if you are angry for example
do you do anything differently
um physical activity or anything like
that or is it always the same process I
will say that I don't change my
meditation practice based on the type of
stress
the reason is meditation for me is not a
spiritual act meditation for me is
entirely biological so when I think
about
why meditation became so powerful for me
it was because from the very first
diaphragmatic breath that I ever took I
felt immediate movement from the
sympathetic nervous system which is
fight or flight into the parasympathetic
nervous system which is rest and digest
literally from the first moment that I
intentionally took a diaphragm breath I
felt relief is probably the right word
so because I felt an immediate reduction
in my level of anxiety so that is it is
immediate it is biological so there is a
feedback feedback mechanism from the
brain to the body and the body to the
brain that when you breathe from your
diaphragm if you learn how to do that
well that you can't stop it from
moving you over into the parasympathetic
nervous system I pause there because
there are things that could be wrong if
you have
um
a certain type of nutrient deficiency if
you look up
um
the the
um the importance of vitamin D which is
a hormone actually a hormone precursor
that you get from exposure to the sun
you can also supplement and K2
you can actually get either where you
don't have one or the other or they're
not in the right balance and you can get
into a position where neurologically you
find it very hard to move over into
parasympathetic but I'm going to set
that aside for a second and just say if
you're reasonably in balance from that
perspective when you take that diaphragm
breath it shifts you over so no matter
what I'm feeling just doing a um
it's sort of a variation on box
breathing where it's a four-part breath
cycle you breathe in through your nose
with a diaphragm breath you hold on the
inhale for me it's very brief you exhale
for me I just let the air out and then
you hold on the exhale and then you
repeat the cycle into your nose out
through your mouth and when I do that
with proper diaphragm breathing I I just
man it is really amazing how rapidly I
can shift into being calm now like you
said there are some times in my life
where I've been so extraordinarily
stressed out uh that it takes me what I
will say is a very long time so but the
good news is that knowing that I'm never
more than 45 minutes away from being at
what I call no background radiation so
uh anxiety for me feels like background
radiation and when I'm completely calm I
feel like I've gotten that to zero and
I'm in a calm and creative state and the
times that I've been most stressed are
times where you're dealing with hundreds
of millions of dollars that the
decisions that you make are not only
affect you but they're affecting other
people they're you know you're affecting
your employees like when you have your
own company
um there really is a tremendous amount
of weight if you're not a sociopath with
knowing that your employees livelihoods
are tied up in this company that you're
creating and that they're trying to take
care of themselves they're trying to
take care of their families and you're
all intertwined and that the choices
that you make don't just affect you they
affect other people and so that's when I
feel a much heavier burden is when I
feel like this isn't just about me man
this is about other people and when it's
about not just me but other people and
there are huge sums of money huge
consequences at risk that was the time
in my life because it was the first time
that I had ever been in that sort of
extreme circumstance
um where yeah it took me a good 45
minutes to calm down hi my name is Eva
Choi I own a small business in Calgary
Alberta Canada
um I have a question about motivation
and team and Leadership
it's been almost five months since the
pandemic has been announced and my
husband who's my business partner he and
I are pretty tired because we also
manage a family three children who are
Elementary School aged
in the meantime our team our fulfillment
and customer service teams have been
taking a pretty good
beating in the land of customer service
clients are triggered clients are
emotionally fragile clients are very
very demanding during these times for
the most part our team has been really
great about it but it's deeming to take
its toll I was wondering if you had any
nuggets of information on how I can help
lead my team to keep them hopeful and
optimistic and positive through these
times thank you
yeah wow I love that you're asking that
question anybody that's thinking about
that is thinking about the right things
one of the things I think people don't
understand about being a CEO is that
ultimately being a CEO running a company
is almost I mean it's 70 percent people
I mean the strategy is definitely
important but men momentum isn't about
moving fast or I should say it isn't
just about moving fast it's about
getting a group of people pointed in the
same direction and moving fast and so
understanding how to Galvanize a team
and get them pointed in the same
direction is really really critical so
in this specific time number one is
leading by example always and forever if
you want to do anything when people are
involved whether it's kids whether it's
somebody you love that is
um there's a piece of advice you
definitely that desperately want them to
take and they're not taking it whether
it's your company the answer is always
first and foremost lead by example that
is critically important so you want to
be hopeful you want to be optimistic you
want to show them through your behaviors
and your actions time and time again
with an inhuman level of consistency
exactly how to fail base adversity now
you don't want to [ __ ] you don't
want to lie so you want to make sure
that you're doing the work to make sure
that you're keeping yourself hopeful and
optimistic now how do we stay hopeful
and optimistic we have to have certain
beliefs in place and we have to have
certain rules in place so first of all
as it comes to rules I know that I
always need to be moving forward I can't
ever be afraid to make a decision that I
would rather be running a thousand miles
an hour in the wrong direction than
standing still okay that rule has served
me very well now why is it better Tom
you're running in the wrong direction
that's way worse than standing still not
true
the reason that you never want to stand
still is there's zero progress made when
you stand still when you move you're at
least learning even if you're moving in
the wrong direction failure is the most
information Rich data stream you will
ever encounter let me say that again
failure moving in the wrong direction is
the most information Rich data stream
you will ever encounter meaning you're
going to learn a lot so now when you
turn around and you start moving in the
right direction you're making a huge
amount of progress so even though yes
you have to backtrack it's still far
better than standing still and not
learning those lessons so that is huge
so you have that rule now beliefs you
need to believe that if it doesn't
violate the laws of physics then you can
solve the problem what happens is most
people stay in this Frame of Mind where
all they can see are the problems and
right now there is an avalanche of
problems it is so easy to get mired in
the problems but if you have a belief
that as long as it doesn't violate the
laws of physics this is possible that
any obstacle can be overcome that you
just have to figure out what it is
that's going to allow you to go over
this obstacle under this obstacle
through this obstacle around this
obstacle whatever but you know that
giving up is not an option now it's like
cool hey even if I fail even if I mess
up I'm going to learn so there's some
hope there's some optimism right you can
meet your team with a truism something
that you actually believe you can use
Jocko willing's language which he says
anytime something goes wrong his only
response is good the enemy is bearing
down on us good we don't have enough
equipment good and because he meets it
with that he stays in a solution
oriented mindset now you always want to
be in a solution-oriented mindset when
all you're doing is focusing on the
problems and the most Sinister thing
about excuses is how valid they are so I
get it you have every excuse in the book
for things to fail to not be optimistic
to not be hopeful I get it and it's all
real we are going through the most most
devastating time for a business ever
and how do I respond to that good
because I know in this there is going to
be a solution and I'm going to figure it
out where a lot of people are going to
break because they're not going to be
able to get their head in the right
place so my team can see that I'm
hopeful I'm optimistic because I have
that belief because I have the rule to
be moving forward to figure this out to
not be afraid to fail and they see me
with that like almost naive optimism
always moving forward but they also see
me learning from my mistakes reorienting
and moving forward again if you can do
that you're actually going to get
results and nothing is more hopeful than
results okay well the good or bad news
is that I can completely relate to that
and here is a reality no matter how
successful the person is that you're
looking at and wishing you could be like
them and thinking that they have
everything all figured out the one thing
that I can promise you is that all of us
struggle on the inside that is just a
reality of The Human Condition once you
understand that that is a reality that
that's just a part of the human
condition then you can begin to ideally
let yourself off the hook and that
you're not spending a lot of time stuck
there but to give you a specific example
from my life the biggest one the most
harrowing one that I went through was in
film school so uh to cut a very long
story short I went to film School
believed that I had innate talent I went
into film school with a fixed mindset I
did very well at the beginning of film
school and that all to me felt like it
was proof that I was right that I was
naturally gifted that I was a born
Storyteller and that I was going to go
and have an illustrious career and I
actually went through a fascinating
period in film school where I was both
terrified that secretly I wasn't good
enough and but at the same time actually
believed that I was naturally gifted and
this is what I was meant to do and every
bit of feedback that I got in either
direction was
it made me believe to the core of my
being that it was true so when I would
do something poorly I would think see
that part of me that was convinced that
I actually don't have talent you were
right and then I would do something well
and the part of me that believed that
was like see I knew it you were born for
this and it all came crashing down as I
worked my way up the ranks at USC Film
School
um only four people are chosen to direct
what's known as the senior thesis film
or a 480. and I was one of the four
people picked and I was like see I knew
it man I'm born for this of course I got
picked to do one of the senior thesis
films that just makes sense I'm I'm that
good and I thought okay cool the thing
that makes the thesis film so important
is the film School pays your budget to
make this film so at a time where
there's no YouTube there's no iPhones
like filming is an expensive Endeavor
here you've got somebody that's paying
for it and that becomes your calling
card to the industry so George Lucas
famously made one of these films and
obviously we know how his career ended
up working out and they showed us his
480 by the way and it was amazing it was
amazing and so you could see that here
was this gifted filmmaker and so I have
that in my head like look at George
Lucas's film's absolutely brilliant he's
gone on to have this brilliant career
I'm gonna make an equally brilliant film
or maybe a little more brilliant and
then I'm gonna go become the next Lucas
or the next Spielberg and I'm going to
take that film and get my three picture
deal
and I proceeded to
runs smack Bang into one immutable truth
and that was that I wasn't a talented
filmmaker and I don't say that to be
humble I say that out of truth because I
didn't have the skill set to make a good
film once the level of complexity had
gone beyond a certain level so I had
thrived in these really short really
simple films and then once you're
talking actors and dialogue and you know
the things that would come close to what
we would recognize as a normal film uh I
had no idea what I was doing
try and try as I might I couldn't figure
out how to make the film come out well
and it didn't come out well and I was
mortified and I was embarrassed and I
never wanted anybody to see that film
and I was really and truly devastated so
I want you to imagine your whole life so
what I graduated at like 22. so from 12
to 22
all I knew was I wanted to be a
filmmaker and my whole life was moving
towards that and it looked like I had
the natural gift and of course if you're
going to be an artist you're either born
with it or you're not right that's all
anybody said I can't express enough in
the 80s and 90s when I grew up when
people talked about art you either had
it or you didn't and that was that there
was no sense of growth mindset Carol
dweck had not written the book yet and
so it wasn't even like I knew there was
a growth mindset and a fixed mindset I
just knew you're either born with it or
you're not
the great news was I was born with it
here we go it's going to be amazing and
then boom I can't do it and I realize oh
my God I wasn't born with anything I
don't know how to do this there is a
tremendous amount of process to this art
and I don't know that at all but of
course as I'm in the middle of it I just
think my world has come crashing down
I'm not gifted I will never be gifted
and therefore I will never be a
filmmaker I will never make anything of
myself and just it was a downward spiral
of Epic Proportions at the height of
that I would go home from my dead end
job and I would lay
face down on the carpet because I
couldn't afford furniture and
literally just sit there I can still
feel
that cheap nylon carpet and the way that
it felt on my face as I laid there
thinking well
my life is effectively over certainly
the
my life that was working towards a dream
is over
and
now it's just about finding a way to be
the smartest person in the room and if
that means that I have to go and work a
dead-end job to be the smartest person
in the room then that's what I'll do and
so I used to go and interview for jobs
having nothing to do with film
because I felt totally broken and
my goal was to at some point in the
interview have the interviewer say
you're so smart why are you interviewing
for this role and because I had a fixed
mindset and I so needed that praise from
the outside I was putting myself in
these super weird and useless positions
just to get that little nugget of oh my
God like you're so smart
and I had to put myself in sort of worse
and worse company to get to that point
and
finally and I don't remember what it was
that
led me to this idea of brain plasticity
but somewhere in the depths of my
despair I realized can we get better
maybe we can and so I started reading
about the brain
and that started to plant seeds in my
mind that maybe brain plasticity was
real and maybe I could get better and
just because I wasn't good at film today
maybe I could get better at film down
the road and I ended up getting a job
teaching film because remember those
that can do those that can't teach so I
felt like okay well I can teach this
even if I can't do it and then so
between reading about the brain and
realizing wait a second
if I work at this thing I actually get
better my brain actually changes and I
become better at something and given you
know having gone through however many
years of schooling I'd been through I
started thinking about like wait a
second you would come into any class and
the funny thing is as a kid I remember
every grade just being absolutely
terrified that well I did okay at being
a fourth grader but Mom I'm going to get
devastated as a fifth grader I don't
know what I'm doing and no matter how
many times my mom would console me and
say remember they're going to teach you
how to learn the things that a fifth
grader needs to know they don't expect
you to already know it it just wouldn't
sink in and so I was sort of back in
that moment of you know I don't know how
to do this
but maybe
my mom is right maybe the
neuroscientists are right and maybe I
can learn to become that thing I want to
become I start teaching film and as I'm
teaching it I realize wait I'm helping
my students become better filmmakers so
if I can help them become better
filmmakers and brain plasticity is
really true then I could get better as a
filmmaker myself and that that
realization changed the rest of my life
and this is why I am so obsessed with
the idea of
a growth mindset and brain plasticity
because the biology backs it up and once
you understand it's what I call the only
belief that matters the only belief that
matters is that if you put time and
energy
into getting better at something you'll
actually get better and that those
skills have utility so learning how to
make a better film means you can
actually make a better film and more
people will go see it and be moved by it
and they'll pay for the tickets and
they'll buy the plush toys but that all
came down to you went and got good at
telling stories you went and got good at
making movies but it was a skill set
that you garnered now of course we're
not blank slates so some of us are going
to learn that process easier and
typically when somebody learns something
easier we say oh they were born with it
but the reality is while they may have
had a they get a disproportionate return
on the amount of time that they spend
studying that thing but the reality is
they still have to study that thing and
so you don't find people achieving just
levels of greatness you know even take a
LeBron who the amount of time that he
spends working on his craft making sure
that his body's in Peak physical
condition reading the game all of that
he has to do all that even though he has
also incredible natural Talent so
it can be useful to look for areas where
hey I have a love for this thing and I'm
good at it
I get a disproportionate return that's a
better way to think of it that when I
put energy into learning this thing I
get maybe 1.3 X return on that versus
somebody else who might get a 0.7 return
but what I want everybody to understand
is you get a return
and so once you understand that you get
a return it may take you longer you may
have to work harder than somebody else
but if you love it enough and you want
to be that thing then you can become
that thing and so that was exactly how I
got myself out of that downward spiral
and working my way up to feeling good
developing confidence and understanding
that now if I can get good at anything
that I want
then how I spend my time becomes a
spiritual consideration
and when you approach life like that
like I can be good at anything maybe not
the greatest of all time maybe you need
like that disproportionate returns thing
but you can get I'll just I'm going to
start saying you can get a hundred times
better at anything that you pursue right
if you can get a hundred times better at
anything imagine how that will change
your life if you pick something that
matters to you and helps other people
and you get a hundred times better at
that thing over the course of 40 years
than you are today
that is a game changer it will change
your life it will change your financial
situation it will change your emotional
situation everything about your life
changes when you realize that you can
dedicate yourself to getting good at
things that matter
and so that is the classic example from
my life of where I was completely mired
in a fixed mindset I had never even
heard of a growth mindset and I had to
Cobble the tenants together on my own
Carol dweck I'm looking at you you uh if
only you had written that book 15 years
earlier uh could have saved me from a
lot of struggle and strife and
ultimately it was just about what worked
and that's the biology of it if you put
dedicated time and energy to getting
better at something you will get better
here is the technique that I use around
Woulda Coulda Shoulda so I have a belief
and a rule so my belief is that it
doesn't make sense
to do or believe anything that doesn't
move you towards your goals and then I
have a rule which is that same thing
stated as a to do basically which is
that I do not allow myself to do or
believe anything that moves me away from
my goals okay so I believe that it just
makes sense to make sure that you have a
goal that's exciting and honorable but
once you have an exciting and honorable
goal then you want to make sure that you
filter every decision that you take
through is this leading me towards my
goal or not
and if you have a belief that oh man I
should have done this better if only I
would have done this
if thinking about that and feeling badly
about that actually helps you and by the
way sometimes it does briefly you don't
want to live there then use that use
that to Spur you on to get better to
learn more to work harder next time to
analyze the failure and figure out what
it is you're going to learn
do all of that and
when you have that energy that's
Nature's Way that pain that's Nature's
Way of making sure that you focus in
fact that pain lights up regions of the
brain that have to do with focus and
attention so now you've got your focus
and attention on this failure what you
could have done differently in the past
you're re-evaluating it you're going to
pay more attention going to learn that
skill now you're going to move forward
better than when you started in fact
Henry Ford has a quote failure is simply
the ability to begin again but this time
more educated
so all right word that's what failure is
now when it becomes a problem is when
you allow yourself to stay in that pain
you allow yourself to stay in that mode
that you keep coming back to it and it's
just corroding your sense of self it's
making you feel worse about yourself
it's making you feel less likely to take
action in that moment I use a cognitive
behavioral therapy technique called a
pattern interrupt and I pattern
interrupt and I say hey
I don't allow myself to do or believe
anything
that moves me away from my goals so I
have officially taken this too far I'm
feeling badly about something that I
wish I had done differently but now it's
becoming corrosive it's no longer giving
me that springboard forward I'm spending
too much time here so now done stop
and I force myself to think about cool
you know that you can get good at
anything so now what in that failure
has been revealed that you're not good
enough at that thing yet go get good at
that thing or find a partner who can do
that for you or say okay that's not the
thing that I'm going to pursue it would
take too much time and energy for me to
get good at that thing like take magic
for instance I'm [ __ ] obsessed I'd
love magic close-up magic you can
imagine I really love it
I've taken classes I've practiced and
it's really fun but when I think about
the amount of time that it would take to
actually get good
[ __ ] that way too much time another
example there was a brief period in my
life where I wanted to become a stand-up
comic true strange perhaps but true
and I went and did an open mic night and
I was okay I was funny ish and I stayed
it was uh on open mic night you get like
a bunch of nobodies and Then followed by
some big names that uh they come out
they do their thing but they're trying
new material so it's not particularly
funny if I'm interested if I'm honest
and so I'm sitting there and at first
there's like 350 people and then there's
you know 275 and then 115 and then by
the end of the night it was literally
like eight of us nine of us and me and
my friend are like all right we just
cannot take one more comic trying out
material this is getting really
torturous and so we get up to leave and
this guy's manager comes out and he says
hey
the person who's about to come out is
the funniest man in America you are not
going to want to miss this
and I look at my friend and I'm like all
right [ __ ] it this is the last guy let's
just stay and we'll have done the whole
night and this guy comes out and he does
his routine and if you've ever heard of
Mitch Hedberg it was Mitch Hedberg the
guy's a [ __ ] Legend and
when you're done with this video go look
up Mitch Hedberg
he was so funny that I actually thought
to myself can you die from laughing
because I could not catch my breath I
was laughing so hard and the way that
his joke structure is he's giving you
another punchline like every 30 seconds
so I'm like barely winding down from the
joke before and he hits you with another
one and I I am literally doubled over in
hysteria gasping for air wondering if
I'm gonna die laughing and
at the end of his routine when he walked
off the stage I was like well to get
that good and by then I was beginning to
believe that I could get good at things
to get that good
I would have to dedicate the rest of my
life to it and I'm not prepared to do
that
and that was a real eye-opening moment
of okay so compared to him I was a
catastrophic failure
and my response wasn't oh I'm a loser
I'm a failure my response was all right
Pony up man you can get that good but
whoa you need to be honest about what it
would take to get there and then just be
honest with yourself about what it would
take and whether or not you want to do
it you want to put in that time and the
energy to get that good and then if you
don't then don't lie just say I'm not
funny enough and I'm not interested in
pursuing that skill set and when you say
it like that then you know that you're
on the hunt for the thing that matters
enough to you that you're going to see
something through now talking about
drive and how to build that's outside of
the scope of this conversation but you
get the idea it is
very freeing to just say
okay I could get that good
but I'm just not interested enough in it
doesn't mean I don't like it it just
means that I'm not interested in
pursuing that skill set
so that's the technique
that I use to deal with that whenever my
mind is going somewhere negative and if
you do that every time your mind goes
somewhere negative you either use it as
that impulse to push you forward to go
learn what you need to learn or if it's
now corrosive and you're spending too
much time there you pattern interrupt
you get out of it you remind yourself
that you can learn anything and now it's
just a question of whether you want to
spend the time and the energy to learn
that and don't waste time lamenting that
so many things come too hard to you
doesn't [ __ ] matter that's just a
question of how badly you want it
because let me tell you virtually
nothing in my life comes easily to me
and yet I've built a life that I
absolutely love even though some of the
things that I have to deal with are a
[ __ ] struggle and I look at other
people that they get that
disproportionate return that I wish that
I had
and I've still been able to build a life
that fills me with joy and fulfillment
and ironically in not pursuing money I
have made money
pursue the joy pursue the Fulfillment
use the techniques they work I want to
talk about Jocko willing's idea of no
matter what life throws at you the
reaction is good I lost my job good my
woman left me for no reason good people
took money from me good all of it good
once you flip that switch in your mind
like even that gave me the chills just
thinking how powerful
the reaction to the world's most
negative news to say good yeah good now
you have to come up with a reason why
it's good and the reason that it's good
is because you know
that the only way to think about failure
quote unquote failure is like AI
artificial intelligence okay and a i
it's not called failure it's called a
sample okay you try something so if
you've ever seen the video of AI
learning to play the video game
breakthrough the old Atari game it is
hilarious you see this paddle squiggling
around like crazy the obviously the AI
has no idea what it's supposed to do so
all it's programmed to do is get a high
score but it doesn't know what gives it
a score it doesn't know am I supposed to
move the paddle myself hit the balls the
ball's supposed to you know break
through the blocks at the top and so it
just like does these random ass
movements and then finally it'll hit the
ball and then finally the ball breaks a
break and then finally it finds the most
efficient path to break all of it now
let me tell you in my 20s I don't know
about you but in my 20s I was a mess in
my early 20s I was so lost
frustrated
afraid insecure
overwhelmed
paralyzed I mean it was it was a dark
period in my life
that's the nature of your 20s now in my
20s as old as this is going to make me
sound in my 20s the internet barely
existed so we certainly didn't have
YouTube there wasn't people putting out
content that would allow me to
recontextualize my world the fact that
you already know the quote that success
is going from failure to failure to
failure without a loss of enthusiasm you
were so much farther ahead than where I
was
now I'm going to use an analogy of love
if I may one of the things I find most
interesting about love is that
in love
you are opening yourself up to being far
more easily hurt
when you are in love it's a very
vulnerable state you have opened
yourself to somebody you've given
yourself over in a way to that person
and now you are far more easily hurt
they know your insecurities they could
weaponize them against you
and when heartbreak comes along
it's very tempting to Turtle up and to
protect yourself
but then you're closed off from the
things that make love valuable in the
first place the very thing that makes
love worthwhile is being able to be open
like that to somebody to be vulnerable
to somebody and the thing that makes
love so extraordinary
is that even when you get hurt
the people that can open themselves up
again and approach somebody
without the baggage of previous
relationships are the ones that end up
finding that beautiful relationship that
ends up being worth the vulnerability
and worth the sacrifice and speaking
from experience ends up being the single
greatest thing in your life
now if you learned nothing from the
Heartbreak I understand why it's scary
to go into the next thing
but the idea here the very way that we
bounce back from failure is by looking
exclusively at what we can do
differently
and when you look exclusively I'm not
saying other people didn't do something
that maybe it's
maybe any rational person would say it's
all their fault maybe the list of things
you gave us is literally you were just
the world's unluckiest human being
but the reason that we're going to say
good the reason that we're going to look
at this like Ai and samples the reason
we're going to remind ourselves that
success is going from failure to failure
to failure without a loss of enthusiasm
the reason that we're going to think of
that love analogy and be willing to open
ourselves back up
is because we're going to figure out
what we could have done differently
we're going to see what can I improve in
my skill set what did this catastrophe
reveal about my strategy and whenever a
strategy yields a result different than
the desired result then you know the
strategy is by definition wrong
and I want you to own that doesn't mean
you're a bad person okay but it does
mean that your strategy wasn't working
go back to AI right it's wiggling around
it finally realizes oh I need to hit the
ball Okay cool so now I'm going to track
the movement of the ball and I'm going
to adjust my paddle to be there okay
cool I got it oh I actually see that
hitting it on the sides is far more
advantageous than hitting it in the
middle because once I clear a path on
the side then the ball can bounce around
on the top and Destroy bricks far faster
than any other strategy okay amazing but
you had to First have the reaction that
that failure was good
good because it revealed the flaw in my
strategy and because I'm playing the
long-term game I'm going to open myself
back up again I'm going to allow myself
to be vulnerable again I'm going to
let the wound hurt as much as it needs
to for me to learn the lesson no more
not going to beat myself up over it I'm
not going to end up in a death spiral of
Shame
but I am going to recognize that I could
do something different the next time and
get a different result
that to run the same strategy and expect
the result to change is as Einstein said
the definition of insanity
so
that's what you have to do here you have
to recognize that this thing that you
consider the worst thing that ever
happened to you with the change of
framing is actually the best thing that
ever happened to you and if you change
the question that you ask about this
and say how did this help me what did I
learn from this or what could I learn
from this and how can this improve my
strategy moving forward then all of a
sudden the frame of reference changes
the emotion the way you feel about it
the dark energy that's around it begins
to change because you're stoked right
this is good all right I'm going to
learn something from this and it's going
to be XYZ and maybe you only get
incrementally better and you try again
and maybe you fail again and you get
incrementally better and all of a sudden
if your life is anything like mine your
20s were getting kicked in the face over
and over and over be getting a little
bit better at blocking a little bit
better at avoiding and then finally in
your 30s you begin to find your footing
and then you turn into beast mode late
30s early 40s and now
you feel like you can really
move the world
it's exactly what it feels like when you
understand how your own mind works how
the minds of others work and just sort
of the nature of the world
it's really incredible but the only way
to get there is to flounder around to
make horrendous mistakes and say good
we're now dealing with the physics of
the human mind and my obsession is to
get people to understand that you are
having a biological experience now why
do I want you to understand that you're
having a biological experience because I
want you to understand that the brain
reacts a certain way and you can
actually insert yourself into that and
change your
approach framing the way that you react
and in changing those things you will
change not only the way you feel but the
outcomes that you're able to get and so
I want to introduce you to Victor
Frankel and cognitive behavioral therapy
so Victor Frankel said between stimulus
and response is a gap
and how we choose to react in that Gap
will determine the rest of our lives now
if you don't know Victor Frankel you
wrote a book called Man's Search for
meaning he wrote that book after getting
released from Auschwitz okay this is a
guy that survived multiple concentration
camps and he was a neuroscientist and
his ability to explain
what is happening Inside the Mind of a
human during something that catastrophic
is breathtaking and when you realize
that a guy that went through something
that just seems unimaginable for a human
being to endure
says the way that you endure it is to
one Find meaning in your suffering so
why am I going through all of this what
do I expect to see on the other side of
in your case shortening the window okay
this is a big thing in my life learning
to emotionally soothe whoever
emotionally soothes themselves the
fastest is going to win because you
don't waste a week spiraling out of
control right so if for me it takes
three seconds to emotionally soothe and
it takes you a week you can imagine how
much more progress I'm going to make in
a year than you're going to make
okay so Victor Frankel says we've got
that gap for you that Gap may be very
very small
and now what we're trying to do is widen
that Gap now how are we going to widen
that Gap we're going to widen that Gap
with cognitive behavioral therapy
cognitive behavioral therapy is beyond
the scope of this video to go into all
the sort of details about it but I will
say one of the most important things
that's talked about in CBT is pattern
interrupting so you know that these
patterns aren't serving you you know
that spending a week derailed not
feeling resilient is a waste of your
time so now when you feel that
lack of resilience the emotional
distress you're going to interrupt that
pattern now I'll give you an example in
my own life so for me I don't allow
myself to feel overwhelmed and as dumb
as that sounds it works extraordinarily
well so as I can feel that you know that
sense of like
like agitation like you can feel your
brain like speeding up and you can sort
of feel yourself like escalating and
moving towards panic
in that moment I say to first of all I
bring my chin down and I Furrow my
eyebrows and I say I don't do overwhelm
and by saying that phrase it interrupts
the pattern
and the reason I know that works goes
back to this idea of you're having a
biological experience and I know that
there is nothing either good or bad it
is thinking that makes it so right shout
out to Mr Shakespeare there's nothing
either good or bad but thinking makes it
so it isn't what's happening to you it's
what you think about what's happening to
you so I'm not overwhelmed [ __ ]
because I don't do overwhelm and now all
of a sudden by reminding myself I don't
do overwhelm now I may take things off
my plate I may decide no matter what's
going on right now I'm going to sit and
meditate I may remind myself that
breathing from my diaphragm will
physiologically whether I wanted to or
not if I do it long enough it will move
me out of the sympathetic nervous system
fight or flight into the parasympathetic
nervous system rest and digest that is
physiological and so I'm gonna do those
things now
that doesn't mean that I'm wired
differently than anybody or that I'm
doing anything you know particularly
special but it interrupts the pattern of
escalation that I've gotten into because
I'm thinking that this is bad I'm
thinking oh my god I've got all these
things going on I'm never going to be
able to handle them there's so much
pressure what the [ __ ] am I going to do
and in that moment what I do is remind
myself I don't do overwhelm so for you
it may be reminding yourself I don't
spiral out of control for a week I don't
allow that in myself
what I do is I meditate what I do is I
remember failure as part of the process
what I do is remind myself that like
artificial intelligence I need these
samples I need these moments of failure
this is exactly why I need an
anti-fragile personality my very
identity is tied up in learning okay
that's a huge thing when you tie your
ego to being the learner now all of a
sudden the pattern interrupt becomes I'm
the learner
I don't mind that I failed nothing to
spiral out of control about I'm going to
learn from this and I'm gonna keep going
in fact I want to know what can I learn
from this what's the lesson here
and when you change your Framing and you
look at that and you take advantage of
Victor Frankel's Gap
and you fill that Gap with I'm the
learner I'm going to get better from
this what can I learn
everything else is going to take care of
itself or my parents biggest frustration
was that I was epically lazy and if they
handed out gold medals for being lazy I
would have won I assure you hands down
there was a period in my life where I
would spend between two and three hours
in bed because it was warm in bed and it
was cold out of bed all right that's
true