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Language: en
I can think of precious few ways to end
a relationship in flaming disaster
faster than trying to work with your
partner
to work well with your significant other
you must each play a clearly defined
role you're going to have to integrate
two entirely contradictory modes of
being mode one being a life partner mode
2 being a business partner completely
different rules apply as one small
example if I walk by my wife and don't
run my hand lovingly across her bum
she'll actually comment on her
disappointment if I do that to a
co-worker I'm getting arrested but what
if my co-worker is my wife now what
that's just one funny example but it's
the very small tip of a gargantuan
Iceberg known for sinking ships that
Lisa and I had to learn to navigate
here's how we did it brief history as a
couple so far Lisa and I have built two
incredibly successful companies if
you've never heard of me before I'm Tom
bilyu and my wife Lisa and I sold our
last company for a billion dollars and
have already built another multi-million
dollar company since then which has
garnered roughly half a billion views
and is rapidly growing here's the trick
to managing both love and business step
one you must choose well selection is
eighty percent of the battle in Romance
if you can't find someone amazing
masturbate and keep looking because a
bad relationship is worse than no
relationship at all that goes for
business and love unless you want to
split your company up in the divorce
don't mess up this step it will be
ruinous a business will not bring you
together any more than kids will it will
expose your flaws most of that is going
to be intensely personal you would
probably hate being married to me but my
wife swears that she loves it now maybe
there's just no accounting for taste or
maybe we selected well I'll let you guys
be the judge but here's a criteria that
we've refined over the years whenever
people ask this question all right
number one selection criteria It's gotta
be love it's a bit like pornography hard
to describe but you'll know it when you
see it two you have to be committed to
maintaining a thriving sex life three
gotta be committed to the relationship
as a whole four you both need a growth
mindset five you have to share most of
your values you're not going to show
them all but the vast majority you
should share six on balance they need to
be your equal you're going to be good at
different things but they need to be
your equal seven on balance they need to
be emotionally stable we all fluctuate
but on balance eight they need to play a
different role than you it needs to be a
complimentary role but they need to play
a different role nine they need to
legitimately want you to be happy ten
they need to take full responsibility
for their actions and their emotional
state all of those are important but
Lisa and I's secret weapon is that we
both have a growth mindset we focus on
the relationship and we are constantly
trying to improve we've always been
receptive to critical feedback because
our goals are clear it's incredibly
important and we understand that to
achieve our goals we have to constantly
be getting better constant never in
ending Improvement is required if you
want to make meaningful progress in your
life now if you or your partner doesn't
already have that mentality stop the
video now and go address that you simply
will not succeed working with your
spouse if you don't both have a growth
mindset I'm telling you right now you're
not good enough to pull this off yet
step two if you want to work well with
your significant other you have to
clearly Define your roles this is
probably going to be the most
contentious thing that we talk about but
Lisa and I realized early on that no
relationship will survive two Alphas
fighting for control this is a team
sport you each need a clearly defined
role and you need to play it well Lisa
and I have found that this tends to
break along traditional gender lines it
doesn't have to but I think that there
are deep biological reasons why this
plays out in the averages I do want to
point out one group of nested ideas that
I think helps explain this phenomenon
before I do though I want to remind and
everyone that you should find a dynamic
that works for you you should play
whatever role in life you want
regardless of your sex don't let anyone
put you in a box that you don't want to
be in but I think understanding how
these play out typically is really
really useful number one we have a big
wrinkly brain number two females carry a
disproportionate amount of the weight to
deliver that brain or that tendency
towards being super selective leads to
something called hypergamy all right
let's take these one at a time humans
have gotten to where we are not by being
faster having sharper teeth or stronger
muscles instead we've clawed our way to
becoming the most dominant apex predator
the world has ever seen by creating a
gigantic brain full of wrinkles the
problem is that those big brains require
a big head a big head requires a big
birth canal a big birth canal requires a
wide angled pelvis on the part of the
female
but that can only be pushed so far
before women can no longer stand upright
and run so Evolution has taken us as far
as it could but then it had to pump the
brakes for us to achieve our full
potential though human babies also are
born with soft skulls that require years
and years of Parental care to fully
develop so we took the physical part of
this on the part of the woman as far as
we could but then we kept pushing the
envelope by making that little melon
soft so that it could squash a little
bit through the birth canal and then
continue to expand as kids and this is
why the brain doesn't even stop
developing until you're 25 years old
that brings us to the second part which
is that females carry a disproportionate
burden when it comes to ensuring that
our species survives as such from an
evolutionary perspective women became
optimized to carry birth and nurture
infants that's not all they're amazing
in a gazillion ways but just as we think
about averages that part of it is so
critical that it continues to Echo in
the way that they are optimized
cognitively physically emotionally etc
for the child to be raised to maturity
women are going to need a couple of
things from the guide number one genetic
material number two protection from
predators and access to resources that
someone who is pregnant breastfeeding or
going through these strenuous exercise
of raising a young child in the wild
this is obviously a very complex topic
that I'm simplifying to make it easier
to track but all of this complexity
leads to some outcomes that are useful
to understand one of those outcomes is
the fourth thing and that is something
called hypergamy hypergamy is roughly
defined as women again on average
tending to date across or up meaning
that women try to find men they think
will give them the best shot of raising
successful children this idea is often
painted in really dark and Sinister
light you can basically hear wolves
howling in the background when you hear
guys talk about this and so I want to
make sure that we look at this in in a
evolutionary light and see that this is
not a bad thing because women are not
doing anything Sinister by leaving some
guys out of the mating pool which is
unfortunately the result that happens
through being selective but let me see
if I can say this in a way that really
lands closer to what I think is actually
happening in a modern context women are
just trying to find guys that they think
are awesome guys that are as smart or
smarter than them guys that make as much
money or more than they do would any of
us do anything differently we all want
to find somebody that's at least as cool
as we are or even cooler and what we
think of as awesome of course is going
to vary but you want somebody that's
over or up in the things that matter to
you now it's just that for evolutionary
reasons men and women consider different
things when they think about going over
or up and men and women on average tend
to Define what is awesome in different
ways now look men and women are way more
similar than they are different but
understanding the difference becomes
incredibly important if you want to
understand how to work well with your
significant another but that gets you
close enough to understand what comes
next which is the part you need to
understand if you're going to be a
successful romantic and business partner
okay here it goes women and men tend to
have different strengths and different
desires and those differences tend to
funnel them into one of two slots that
every business needs okay every business
has these two needs
being a male or female tends to siphon
you off into those two if you've read
the book Rocket Fuel you'll already know
what I'm talking about it breaks down
roughly into vision and execution the
rocket and the fuel either element on
its own is absolutely nothing but
together you can reach the Stars okay
that was super cheesy but it's actually
true and when working with your partner
and the reason that all of this is worth
it is because when it goes well that's
exactly how it feels it feels like whoa
I'm able to do something I would not be
able to do on my own and I'm doing it
with somebody that I love it is an
incredible High
but it's important to realize neither
role is better than the other let me say
that again neither role is better than
the other both are critical but you have
to understand them and know which role
you fit what Lisa and I have found and
this is by no way an actual study but
what we've seen in other high performing
couples that work together is that the
guys typically provide the vision and
women actually make it happen it's the
classic CEO coo relationship one of the
most famous business relationships in
modern memory is this exact dynamic
you've got Mark Zuckerberg and Cheryl
Sandberg Marco's CEO Cheryl Sandberg the
CEO again this doesn't need to break
along gender lines do what works for you
and what makes you happy but the
aforementioned framework will hopefully
give you a place to start as you think
about you and your partner working
through this tricky problem if you think
what I'm saying is crazy I'm gonna throw
out one stat that may give you pause and
give a little Credence to this gender
bifurcation thing according to a giant
Danish study of two hundred thousand
married couples men who make less than
their wives are significantly more
likely to use erectile dysfunction
medication than men who out earn their
wives I'm not saying that it should be
that way I'm just saying that it is that
way here's my guess as to why women for
the reasons discussed date across and up
hypergamy men will do whatever they need
to do to get chosen by a woman they have
to because every man alive is descended
from a man who figured out a way to
convince a woman to give him a shot so
men have literally evolved to be very
good at figuring out how to impress
women and deliver on the demands that
they're making Nature has one drive
let's be real clear that drive is to
keep you alive long enough to get laid
and have kids that have kids now how
does nature pull that off Pleasure and
Pain it makes pleasurable what keeps you
alive and gets you laid and it makes
painful anything that moves you away
from that so if evolutionarily speaking
women needed men to be smart enough to
lead willing to sacrifice themselves to
defend their family and were able to
make good hunting decisions to secure
food or other resources for the family
then that's exactly what men will derive
pleasure from doing said simply men are
going to break themselves in half to
lead sacrifice and provide making them
ideal Rockets it's exactly what you need
from somebody who can go out into the
world where there's no one there to
supervise them to tell them what to do
to be put incredibly dangerous
situations and to be able to make good
decisions to get on the other side of
that and acquire whatever they need to
acquire and bring it back we often talk
about hunting but that's one of many
things now women on the other hand are
Adept at securing cooperation and
realizing their agenda by coordinating
the actions of a team making them the
needed fuel to move the rocket I cannot
stress how important that ability is in
a company if you can't do that you're
dead in the water you might have
somebody who's a legendary Visionary
they're off making all the right
decisions but if nobody will follow them
and nobody will do what they're talking
about they've got nothing let me once
again State emphatically that I'm saying
all of this within the context of how do
you work well with your romantic
Partners successful companies can be
built with only women or only men not
every couple needs to work together and
not every couple will align with the
dynamic that I detailed here and that's
wonderful do whatever fills your heart
but it is critically important to
understand how we've ended up with these
averages that brings us to the next
important piece of working with your
significant other step three understand
your partner's needs let me tell you a
story from my own experience working
with my spouse hilarious now but not at
all fun in the moment but it really did
crystallize something for me that is
critical for anybody that wants to work
with their partner to understand let me
set the stage we renewed in the shower
together it was super intimate and even
after all of these years it was still
exciting at least for me but despite the
setting something contentious managed to
come up now I don't remember exactly
what it was though I'm sure that my wife
does but I do remember the exact
exchange that triggered the end of the
fun part of the shower
Lisa said to me that she didn't feel
supported by me on whatever we were
discussing in response I said ladies you
are absolutely going to hate this but I
said and I quote I'm not trying to
support you right now I'm trying to
figure out what's true that Redline Lisa
instantly she was irate not mad I raped
I knew she was going to hate the
statement but I honestly didn't fully
understand why I do now and having the
knowledge crystallized has really helped
so let me really put this succinctly in
the hopes that you'll be able to use it
as well men and women in general want
their partner to make them feel
fundamentally different things
failing to understand that is going to
create a disconnect that creates a
massive amount of friction in your
relationship a massive amount of
friction could be in the romance side
could be in the business side could be
both there in the shower is my
excitement turned into painful
frustration I played a mental game with
myself
do this a lot it's actually really
useful if my wife or a fictional
character what would need to be true
about this character to motivate their
behavior behavior that seems super
bizarre to me the answer in that moment
was that one of her fundamental drivers
would have to be the need for blind
support from her husband not reasoned
support blind support and as soon as I
had that realization like a puzzle piece
clicking into place I updated my mental
model and realized that's exactly what
she needed here's why I think that
mental model update was really useful
and how it can stand for what men and
women want their partner to make them
feel for a woman to thrive in a
relationship her man needs to make her
feel for things loved supported
beautiful and safe men need to feel
loved appreciated and Powerful supported
and appreciated are very different
things and that was the Crux of the
problem that we were having in the
shower and I think sits at the
intersection of why men and women often
Collide going back to the evolutionary
reframing here if a woman has made
herself vulnerable in order to optimize
for having successful children she needs
to be able to say what she needs to be
supported in that endeavor and actually
get it to effectively work through
others feeling like you're supported by
those around you becomes an incredibly
important marker of safety now men on
the other hand have been optimized for
something completely different they've
been optimized for making themselves
powerful enough to go out and slay
monsters on your behalf remember they're
just trying to impress you enough to get
a chance at being in the mating pool now
according to something called the
Disposable Male hypothesis Evolution has
optimized men to be willing to lay down
their lives to protect and provide for
their family and Community now if you
misread the situation a sexy shower
turns into a not at all sexy argument
and when you work together misalignment
in one area becomes destructive in both
Arenas and this is why most people that
try to work with their significant other
end in disaster and that brings us to
step four of working well with your
significant other create Rules of
Engagement around how to deal with the
Collision of two modes of being romance
and business now romance and business
are not like oil and water where they
don't mix they're like Mentos and
Coca-Cola where they mix together
explosively most people that try to work
together are going to end up like
someone who mixes Mentos and Coke it
seems fun until [ __ ] ends up going
everywhere now when you're working with
your partner you have two social
contracts to deal with instead of just
one being a good romantic partner is
hard enough being a good business
partner is hard enough being a romantic
partner that knows how to seamlessly
move back and forth from business
partner to lover is brutally difficult
it's only possible if you have rules for
doing so rule number one Define your
roles clearly this is what we've been
talking about what do you want and
expect from each other be hyper specific
now this is going to get really
uncomfortable because it's going to
force you to face things like gender
roles what role you guys play in the
romance and in the business let me give
you an example here's what I said to
Lisa when we founded impact Theory I'm
Vision your execution we bring equal
value to the table but in different ways
if ever we understand each other but
still disagree we will go with my
decision every single time if you agree
that that's the right Dynamic let's go
into business together if you don't or
it feels uncomfortable in any way shape
or form it isn't the life you want to
live fair enough take half of the money
that we've set aside for building a
company and I'll take the other half and
we'll build separate things I'm
completely fine with that I want you to
be happy and do your thing but if we're
going to do it together that's how it's
going to be it was clear to me without
language That explicit we would end up
colliding constantly rule of Engagement
number two respect the tension between
your points of view let me be abundantly
clear my wife is a wickedly smart bold
confident driven woman she is never
going to slow down so that I can leave
but she's also not as good at business
decision making as I am now was that
just hypergamy playing out and she went
and found somebody that she was like
cool you can go do that part and I'm
gonna do this part I'm sure it was all
subconscious but nonetheless that's
where we ended up and if you think that
I'm saying this out of arrogance or
because she's not here to cry foul you
can watch the episode that we filmed of
women of impact where we discussed this
live on camera together and you can see
exactly how we relate to each other over
this and the reality is we're just being
honest about what each of us is good at
and we respect the tension between our
modes of thinking decision making is
only one of the skills needed also we're
all deeply flawed you need to hunger for
people that will point out where you've
gone wrong so respect the tension this
even if you're the one that's the final
decision maker that's not about bowling
over the other person and constantly
getting them to do what you say this is
about working with someone who you
consider your equal who has different
skills than you who sees things that you
might be blind to that's an incredibly
important part of this this is why when
it works well you come together and feel
like oh my God I have the chills right
now that I'm building something I could
not build on my own that is exactly how
I feel working with Lisa by myself I
would not be able to do what I'm able to
do with her and so both of us even
though we have these clearly defined
roles we respect the tension between us
the whole point between that CEO coo
Dynamic is that they see things in a
different way than you you share values
you share goals but you see things in a
different way and so by getting the
tension between those two viewpoints
you're able to find that path through to
actual success now here's an analogy
that Lisa and I use all the time for
this idea for a business to work you
need both a kite and a stream to keep
the kite in the air it is the dynamic
tension between the two of those things
that's going to make things work if you
just have a kite it flies off into
nowhere wherever the wind takes it and
eventually crashes into something and if
you just have a string it just lays on
the ground but when you have the two in
Dynamic tension it stays in the air so
it's super important that you don't fall
prey to thinking that one role in the
relationship is better or more important
than the other which I think is the root
of a lot of tension between men and
women today somehow it's gotten a
culture that guys have the cool role and
women have the lame role it's not that
at all they're both incredibly important
and I think the only way forward is for
us to find that Dynamic tension now
if you understand that both are equally
important that brings us to rule number
three
partner only with your equal
don't look for a subordinate don't look
for a boss you're looking for someone
who sees things slightly differently
than you but on balance when all of your
talents and intelligences are all put
together that you guys are equal now
while you guys are going to be doing
different things and you're going to be
good at different things no matter what
your business partnership is like no
matter if one of you is literally the
boss and the other sees themselves more
as an employee in your emotional
relationship you must be equals that may
be the most important thing that I've
said so far for love to last and be
joyful it needs to be the coming
together of two equals and you need to
make your partner feel that in their
bones I'll tell you a story on that when
Lisa and I founded impact Theory a
lawyer told us hey one of you needs to
own 49 of the saying and the other needs
to own 51 that way should you guys ever
get in a divorce that way it's clear who
controls the business what I said to
them was nope make the ultimate divorce
nightmare I want a 50 50 relationship I
want Lisa to see
on paper that we are equals that we
bring an equal amount to this endeavor
even though we do different things
ultimately it's equal and that it's up
to the two of us to be able to navigate
the emotions and the business well on
that is Rule Number Four you need to act
differently in your romantic partnership
than you do in your business partnership
that is so important I once came home
from a particularly contentious day at
work Lisa and I had really collided and
I had to pull the it's my decision card
in front of other people it was brutal
and I'm sure that I could have handled
it better but Lisa handled it like a pro
and as is typical for us she got off
work before I did so when I came home
she was already there I walk in the door
and I'm expecting a fight but she
couldn't have been happier to see me and
I sheepishly asked how is your day and
without missing a beat she said my boss
was an [ __ ] but I'm so excited to see
my husband she threw her arms around me
and gave me a big hug and I'm actually
stopping myself from being emotional
right now because in that moment I
realized that my wife was a ninja and
that she understood how to navigate this
world incredibly well that she
understood that there was a wild
difference between being my business
partner and being my wife now I
proceeded to follow all over myself
finding ways to show her
that in the grand summation of our
relationship despite the fact that I
played that cards that I knew that we
were equals and that while I might have
in that moment been the decision maker
in that Dynamic if I'm honest I was the
boss not now at impact Theory but I was
at that time but even if in that
scenario it's true I'm not the boss in
our relationship even if both of us see
me as the leader an important side note
about leading true leadership really is
knowing that sometimes you lead and
sometimes you follow you're never going
to be good at everything but if you and
your teammates are working together to
elevate each other odds are you're going
to end up in the right place especially
if you follow rule number five Lead With
Love
lead with love fill your heart with love
want your partner to win in all aspects
of their life and help them actually do
that
life is hard love is beautiful nurture
Your Love with everything you've got it
will get you through the darkest of
times success will come and go but love
done well really can last a lifetime and
it will certainly fill you up in ways
that nothing else can not all the
success in the world not all the money
in the world as cheesy as it might be
love really is the best thing that life
has on offer
rule number six over communicate you
need to over communicate with your
partner whether or not you work together
you need a shared language which is
harder than it sounds you have to Define
terms and all kinds of crazy stuff a
shared narrative you need to know how do
we actually categorize my contribution
your contribution how do we talk about
it to each other to other people and a
shared Vision what is all of this
building towards you guys need to know
that you need to talk about it and then
ultimately you need to follow all of
these rules of engagement so that you
can deal with a thousand different
scenarios that are rushing towards you
that if you're not careful will turn you
into Mentos and Coke but if you are
careful turns you into a rocket well
fueled one important point about
communication you guys are going to be
talking endlessly so gentlemen if the
constant navigation of ideas and
emotions isn't your bag do not go into
the Minefield of working with your
significant other you will hate it but
if your will willing to do all of that
communication I've found that other than
having children which is almost
certainly the Pinnacle there's nothing
more profound than building something
meaningful together with your partner
building with Lisa has been the greatest
joy of my life that's why I think that
as more and more people decide not to
have children that this topic has become
the number one requested topic for Lisa
and I to cover now I really hope that
hearing about how Lisa and I have
navigated this insanely tricky terrain
is helpful to all of you I hope that you
guys take this merely as a starting
point and that you find what works best
for you I hope you understand the
averages but don't feel that you need to
conform to them I hope that you find
what works for you and live a life that
you love if you like this video I think
you're going to love this next video
that we did about love and relationships
make sure you check it out
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