Kind: captions
Language: en
[Music]
Stefan speaks welcome to the show thank
you for having me I'm excited to have
you man I've seen all the stuff that
you've done with Lisa on women of impact
and I want to get into modern dating
what's happening now as somebody who's
been in my marriage now for 20 years
it's like it's a real thing thank you so
guys that are going after high value
women and are struggling to get them
what are they doing wrong are they
chasing too much they're not chasing
enough
what should they be doing well I think
the first thing might be how they Define
high value woman okay you know and so I
think some men
may be placing value in the wrong things
and the high value woman to a lot of men
is about how attractive she is and
though of course I believe attraction is
extremely important you can't Overlook
that I do think some men get blinded by
it and it causes them to overlook other
important issues and potential red flags
within this woman which sets them up for
a lot of failure
um but so depending on how we Define it
I I do think there's there's become sort
of a pop culture way of defining it one
of the things I want to talk to you
about is not Andrew Tate but the Andrew
Tate phenomenon so he's speaking to
something that caught me off guard so
the the young men that you see on the
other side of this camera were they were
asking me if I knew who he was I was
like I have no idea who that is like you
should really listen to them and then I
listened to him and I was mortified and
they were like but look how big he is
and so it he's speaking to something
that
is
um it was very surprising to me and so
the idea of
a high value woman as it's being talked
about in culture now can you give us
like a quick primer on that and then
what it is about that that you think
culture is getting right and what what
is culture getting wrong well I think so
to be completely honest I haven't gotten
the full definition of high value women
uh from the internet because I've heard
different things so there hasn't been
this consensus that I have yet to hear
now I from looking at it from the Andrew
Tate perspective I do believe it
includes things like a woman who doesn't
have much of a past you know someone
who's highly attracted not a lot of
sexual partners yes not a lot of sexual
partners to some of these guys no no
sexual partners at all seems to be the
requirement now
um someone of course who was attractive
then of course I know the one consensus
is her being feminine or what they say
is cooperative being willing today this
is that word yes they use the word
Cooperative yes nice that's a polite way
to say it okay so I think those are some
of the ingredients to high value women
that they're proposing now I think we
can look at high value women also from
the perspective of because so before
Andrew Tate there was Kevin Samuels and
he kind of got the the term high value
really going on the internet in today's
culture and so one thing some of me and
my colleagues discussed was that you
could look at high value as the
individuals who have the doors open
easier for them to the opposite sex all
right now the thing is if you look at it
that way it really separates the fact
that high value does not equate to good
person it's not an automatic thing
because a woman can be extremely
beautiful and have doors open for her
everywhere but it doesn't mean she's a
good person it doesn't mean she's going
to be a good partner all right so again
it depends on where men are placing
their value but if we just go with the
feminine Cooperative looks good doesn't
have a past things of that nature
I think for a lot of men what's where
they're going wrong is that they are not
figuring out the life they want to live
first so one of the dangers of what's
happening on the internet in my opinion
today is there's this constant push of
where you have to make x amount of money
to be somebody you have to make x amount
of money to get this great woman and yes
finances play a significant role in
relationships we can't deny that and
women desire Financial stability however
if that doesn't align with who you are
as a man you're asking for trouble so
it's like a guy has to be real with
himself if he's a simple living guy and
would be happy just let's just say I'm
throwing out the numbers 60 000 a year
but he lives in a town where sixty
thousand gets them by perfectly fine has
a roof over his head food on his plate
and he can find him a partner who loves
him who he aligns with and can be happy
with he doesn't need to push to that
higher over six figure level because
people don't understand there's a
sacrifice that comes with that and
everyone's not wired for that and even
when you look at it from the woman from
the what you're looking for in a woman
perspective some of these men want this
extremely beautiful woman but can you
handle that does she fit your lifestyle
because if you're a Frugal man for
example and this very beautiful woman
likes spending money that's going to be
a huge conflict in your relationship and
so you have some men who go out of their
way to impress this type of woman to
capture her attention but then not
really being honest about the fact that
they can't sustain this and then when
they can't sustain it and she starts to
feel some kind of way and get mad well
now it's women are ungrateful women are
dismissed like wait a minute you sold
her on something that you can't keep up
it's almost like if you got one for a
woman and she started having sex with
you and she was yours bona fide freak
she did everything you wanted right and
you loved it and then two months in it
was like oh no I can't keep doing that
that's too much I just did that to make
you happy and to get you but now that I
got you it's done you would be pissed
off so I think a lot of men are not
defining what kind of Life they really
want to live what kind of Life they can
sustain which then will determine what
kind of woman fits into their life and
then whether she's considered high value
or Not by Society she would be high
value to you because she will be able to
bring you happiness and peace okay so it
sounds like you're coming at this from a
different angle and I think it's worth
really starting to tease these ideas out
so we have what and this is how it feels
from the outside culture is painting a
picture of what relationships are that I
think is dysfunctional at the level of
definition and that if you accept their
definition you're you're headed to
misery so I would say at the cultural
level the idea of um the the popular way
that the quote-unquote manosphere paints
this picture uh whether it's Tate or
fresh and fit all the things that my
team has introducing to
um it's adversarial yeah and my thing is
the reason my marriage works is that
it's not adversarial we look at each
other like real partners and equals
now we have very different skill sets I
think men and women are very different
temperamentally on average of course
they're they're overlapping averages so
at the extremes it gets very different
in the middle there's a lot of overlap
so you might have a woman who was more
masculine than a lot of guys and you
might have a guy that's more feminine
than a lot of women but nonetheless when
you take it all on average you're better
off betting that a guy will be more
traditionally masculine you want to be
more traditionally feminine and so at
least understanding sort of the natural
leanings can be very helpful but we
don't see ourselves as adversarial so
that's one of these things where
um I think that it's important to your
point to get the definitions right to
figure out okay what is it that I value
in a woman
and then or maybe even a relationship
it's a more important way to think about
it and then they're going to be traits
that a woman will bring into the
relationship but the relationship is the
thing that you share and so
understanding how each of the people are
going to
react in the sort of chemical soup that
is a relationship becomes really
important but then there's this new idea
that you're introducing which is that
you also have to be honest about not
averages and all of that but what are
you like very specifically which is I
talk a lot about your goal makes demands
so if you want to be
um a gold medalist in the Summer
Olympics for swimming then you're going
to have to practice swimming a lot your
diet's gonna have to be a certain way
all that yeah and so if you want the
sixty thousand dollar lifestyle and
you're looking for a low maintenance
life you're going to need somebody
that's low maintenance by nature and so
that's going to make demands in the pool
of women that you pursue yes so that's
very interesting so now we have if you
agree that we need to be thoughtful
about how we Define value compatibility
whatever words we're using you need to
be thoughtful about that but then we
also have to
realize that there there is no
one-size-fits all and so we have to know
what we're going for yeah because I mean
at the end of the day again there's a
lot of men aspiring or buying into what
the internet is selling them when it's
not really true to who they are why do
they fall prey to that because I think
there's a reason well they fall prey
because they don't know who they are to
begin with and so what cues are they
picking up on just what their friends
tell them is cool well I think so it's a
combination of yes they're picking up on
what Society friends but also the other
side of it is men are being shamed
sometimes for not
aspiring to that higher level so
basically if you don't want that six
figures well what's wrong with you you
you're not good you know you're you're
weak you're this if you want love that
you know a lot of men are not honest
about how much they want a relationship
and value having a woman in their life
because they don't want to be called a
simp or they don't want to be made at
their look at as a beta male or
something and it's like so people are
not being true to who they are and what
they truly desire and they're letting
the internet fool them because the crazy
part is the internet stuff doesn't
represent the majority what people fail
to understand is the a lot of the
content that is being put out there is
based on the idea that these women want
this high value man who is a part of at
most 10 and I don't think it's ten
percent three percent of men out there
so are you really trying to strive to be
that three percent everyone can't be
that three percent there's nothing wrong
with that we're not all built to be that
again you may not be happy like we have
to understand even in business there's
moments where you could do some things
and make you a lot more money but then
you have to ask yourself is the
sacrifice worth it is the extra headache
worth it is the extra content I have to
push out there worth it do I want to
lose my peace of mind for these extra
dollars and sometimes you realize no
again whether it's because you just
don't aspires those things or you're
just not wired for that you don't find
your happiness there like there was a I
don't know if it was a Chinese proverb
or something but there was a story I saw
on the internet where there's this rich
guy he sees this uh man in this uh
Village right and the guys like fishing
every day he goes out to fish and
whatever and so the guy's like well why
don't you build your business and do all
these things and long story short The
Village guy was just like so you're
doing all this work for what so you can
one day be free so that you can fish and
have free time like me I already have
that
I don't need to do all this extra work
I'm happy where I am so I just think
that people aren't taking time to know
themselves are letting this idea of
feeling shamed or being guilted into
thinking they have to do it a certain
kind of way really confuse them and also
because again people are not considering
what is the sacrifice that comes with
trying to acquire certain things so
another analogy I like to use is like
everyone wants a really nice car so
there's tons of people who want let's
say a Rolls Royce but are you going to
be happy making that payment are you
gonna be happy with the maintenance are
you going to be happy with the attention
that you might get in this car that
isn't what you really think is going to
be
some of you will realize that it's not
worth it at that point and you'll be
happier in your Corolla you'll be happy
you're in your your central whatever you
know people aren't going to believe you
though until they try it this is this is
one of the things that is utterly
fascinating about money so money's super
powerful it's more powerful than most
people think but it's it can't touch
your sense of self which is what they
think it will do they think it will make
them feel cool and it won't yeah
part of what I think is going on in a
modern dating environment so one what
you put your finger on seems very true
to me that Society is celebrating
certain things and you want to do the
things that's
um Society celebrates because it feels
good to be in alignment with that but
the other part is a hot girl triggers
something in your limbic brain like dude
I am I am captain faithful and I know
that my wife will watch this interview
so I want everybody to be very
comfortable with everything I'm about to
say but
I'm captain faithful it matters to me a
lot to run so we all get one life the
experiment that I'm running is what does
your life look like when you share it
with one person and so that that's the
whole thing so it doesn't mean that I'm
not attracted to other people I am 100
I've always been honest with my wife
about that
but dude when you see
an attractive young woman it grabs a
part of your brain and yes I mean brain
and it squeezes it and it just like it
it has your attention it's really hard
way and I've had those moments where I'm
like wow I actually get how people that
can't control their emotions get
themselves in trouble because I think it
was Sam Harris that pointed something
out and they were debating about who has
more power men or women and if it wasn't
Sam forgive me Sam but I think it was
where he was like hold on a minute I'm
not sure that there's as much
discrepancy and power as people think
you could never get a
um woman to throw away her life on a man
because he looked good yeah but you can
get a billionaire to throw away a
30-year marriage kids ever for sex and
so I think going back to what's
happening now is
this starts to get complicated any
second where you're like that doesn't
make sense to me by all means jump in
okay but you've got this
Society has stopped reinforcing uh
traditional male values being a
traditional guy has become very found
upon its toxic masculinity there's no
thing for people to look up to we have a
fatherless crisis the number of young
men having sex is plummeting
um while we very much needed to get out
of the toxic soup that was Harvey
Weinstein and all that now there's like
a lot of fear in the mix as well like if
I make the wrong like when I think about
how I hit on my wife for the first time
would never do that now yeah but it
ended up getting me my wife and it was
quite playful but it just it was too it
was yeah it was walking a fine line and
that's what made it enticing to her but
it's if if it had been a Miss if I had
misread the woman that was receptive to
that it would have been bad so you get
this milia now where guys are just like
they're they're pulling out of the race
right
and you get part of the the Tate
phenomenon again I'm not interested in
the person I'm interested in the
phenomenon yeah part of that phenomenon
is just
be a man be hard stand up take care of
yourself be a badass be dominant be
aggressive and all of a sudden the
things you've always secretly not
secretly you have a biological
imperative to find that interesting so
the second somebody presents that it's
like ooh like that feels better than
this fearful
anxiety-ridden vibe that I've been
sitting in growing up without a strong
role model all of a sudden somebody in a
Instagram filtered you know life is
showing me money
um emotional stability dominance like
all these things that I want to be and
then they're telling me and this is the
relationship that you should have with
women so it's like wow that actually
does sound a lot better I'd be dominant
she's submissive
um she's beautiful no past all of that
and coupled with and I need to make
money and all this so it's it's a whole
dream that's sold and it has enough real
hooks that people go for it going back
to money
people will always stuff on and I mean
always pursue Fame and money
no matter how many people get ruined by
Fame and money people will still pursue
it so I was like why and the answer is
because Fame and money are real they're
useful yeah money is the great
facilitator you can build anything you
want you can get
anybody to do anything within their code
of ethics I think we'd all agree with
that if you pay them enough money and
it's within their code of ethics they'll
do it so I won't say some people I'm
sure will do things outside of their
code of ethics but even set that aside
but for the right amount of money if the
thing that you want to do is Honorable
you can get people just do it man it's
really incredible and it's quite
beautiful to be honest impact theory has
has come about and helped millions of
people because I had the capital to see
it through amazing Fame is influence so
people want to help you they want to be
around you they want to do things for
you there's a dark side to both but like
there's enough real there that people
are always going for and so when you
paint this picture
which given the certainly the state of
masculinity there's enough real hooks in
it that you can then also set them up
for catastrophic failure in their
relationships because you make it
adversarial yeah and I think so there's
a few ways a few things I want to talk
about with that one I do think as far as
it being adversarial the problem is that
men are not being taught balance so
meaning it's this hyper masculine be all
these things but the reality is that if
you want a healthy relationship you have
to tap into your feminine energy we all
possess it we all have feminine and
masculine I look at it as we all have
testosterone and estrogen plain and
simple and to be able to be loving
compassionate things that you need for a
healthy relationship you have to
consider the balance that comes with it
so it reminds me of the fact of have you
ever read the book The Game by Neil
Strauss no but I know of it well enough
that okay so you know he was a he became
a pickup artist and he learned how to
get all these women in bed I interviewed
Neil oh you did not for that though for
the Post okay like transition that he
goes on and so in the book he explains
how he reaches the point and this is
what I believe is the problem and why
I'm trying to do more content for men
because no matter how much these men can
even get into a mindset of okay well I'm
gonna sleep around and do this and do
that almost every man if not every man
will have a point in his life where he
meets a woman that makes him say this is
the one I want yeah and now what happens
is and what happened to Neil was that he
was so used to using his tips and tricks
for picking up women it wasn't working
on the woman that he wanted so for
example uh you know one of the
techniques is negging so the backhand
compliments right and so though that
does elicit a reaction out of a woman at
that moment
you're essentially planting a seed of
insecurity of Doubt of fear that if you
try to have a relationship with her it's
going to cause a problem so a lot of
these men don't understand the balance
of yes walk in your masculine but you
have to be able to tap into your
feminine to where you can bring love and
Safety and Security to your partner and
again be honest with yourself about what
do you really want because no matter
what personality on the Internet is
claiming this that and the other will
you be happy with that in the long term
there's a lot of people like I believe
there's guys out there who are just
relationship guys they just want
relationship they don't care to be
sleeping around dating this one and that
one they want stability those men need
to be honest with themselves now there
are some men out there who they enjoy
having variety and being around okay
that's your choice as an adult male and
you're being honest with these women
cool I just don't want people out there
lying and playing games if you're being
clear and on this so be it but there's
so many more men I believe who are the
relationship guys who just want that
woman they can be with and share life
with I think another thing to consider
is that when we talked about how less
men now yes less younger men are having
sex and they're not going after the
women like they used to and I do believe
the whole you know the metoo thing
impacted men being willing and brave
enough in certain ways to approach women
I think a huge issue that we're
overlooking is the lack of testosterone
in men and so like the actual literal
decline yes so from my understanding I
don't have the exact stats but I know
I've seen the research that says we now
have 20 year old men whose testosterone
Rivals a 60 year old male back in the
60s legitimately terrifying okay and
that these are the lowest levels of
testosterone ever so bad that the the
old uh scale of a healthy male used to
be 500 to 900 I believe that was 60s as
well now they've dropped it to 300 to
800 because they're accommodating the
lower levels but the problem is they're
making you think it's normal so you go
to the doctor and you find out your 320
he's like oh you're fine you don't need
any help any other time in history you'd
be chronically low exactly exactly and
testosterone is the lifeblood of
masculinity to me because that's what
you gain if you fix your hormones and
you fix your health you will become more
focused you will become more driven
you'll become more assertive you know
you will have more confidence to
approach women plus your drive and
desire for women will increase because
that testosterone that libido has
increased now I think also another issue
is porn all right I think porn has
really desensitized a lot of men and
again has taken the fire out of a lot of
them because now when you have those
natural urges and desires you can just
go to your computer
before you had to figure out how to talk
to a woman like you had no choice I
didn't just talk to her this is really
interesting you had to find a way to
impress her yes you had to become worthy
of yes sex which is a big used to be a
big barrier to entry yes absolutely and
that's that's also why I think we've
seen such a decline in marriage rates as
well because once upon a time that was
the place you were gonna get consistent
sex and so you had to build yourself up
as a man but now again you have so many
other outlets dating has made it easier
porn has made it easier and then again
you already have men who are not as
healthy as they used to be so they they
naturally lack a drive within them to
make things happen so I think it's all
these things together are causing a
problem but to get back to your point
about it being adversarial what they're
hearing about right now I think the
unfortunate truth there's two
unfortunate truth if I'm gonna keep it
real one I think there's a lot lot of
men on the internet who are speaking out
of a lack of healing and bitterness and
so they're adversarial because their
mindset is I'm going to make these women
pay for overlooking me I'm going to make
them pay for not choosing me or choosing
this guy over me or is there a recent
phenomenon though so what would lead
that to be the thing now I I don't think
it's a recent phenomenon I think the
recent phenomenon is the monetization of
it the truth is hitting your career
goals is not easy you have to be willing
to go the extra mile to stand out and do
hard things better than anybody else but
there are 10 steps I want to take you
through that will 100x your efficiency
so you can crush your goals and get back
more time into your day you'll not only
get control of your time you'll learn
how to use that momentum to take on your
next big goal to help you do this I've
created a list of the 10 most impactful
things that any High achiever needs to
dominate and you can download it for
free by clicking the link in today's
description all right my friend back to
today's episode
so men have always there's always been
men who felt like that but now they
figured out that you can go on YouTube
and channel that energy into a show just
you know going at women uh making women
look stupid all these different things
and the men who are dwelling in their
own lack of healing are drawn to that
and and and they love it it feeds them
at that moment you know and so again
it's not to say every last God internet
it comes from that you know that's
what's going on with them but I do
believe it's happening to that's what's
the issue is with a lot of them is and
they're speaking to the deeper hurts
within those other men and that's why so
them being adversarial is due to them
still holding on to the hurt they've
experienced from Broken Hearts from
childhood from all types of things that
have now just detached them from being
willing to embrace love in a way that's
healthy and can build something special
do you use your single yes do you use
dating apps I don't yeah see that's
interesting I don't know that I would
either for many many years when people
ask like Tom I know you're married but
if you weren't like what would you do
what's the most efficient way to find a
girlfriend and the more I started
researching what's going on in modern
dating and all that the more I'm like
actually I'm not sure that I would use
dating apps because I think there is I
think there is something unique
happening right now that is at least in
part driven by dating app social media
technology in general which is you now
have a global market you now have
basically the Pareto Principle playing
out because the it the stat goes
something like the bottom 80 of men are
competing for the top 20 women but um so
the idea being that you have a whole lot
of women that are only interested in a
very narrow band of men and you have a
whole lot of men that are very
interested in a very small number of
women and so
when you have the hyper successful guys
so the current ERA is very beneficial
for a minority of guys who are loving
this moment they're like what do you
mean what's the problem I don't
understand because they're getting laid
left right and Center yes the problem is
I actually think it becomes problematic
for them in a way that they're not going
to realize until they get older which is
that
certainly in my experience and I've had
some amazing sex
[Music]
but nothing beats being with somebody
who who just knows you inside and out
and when the world rocks you and you're
doubting yourself and you don't know
what the hell you're gonna do they pick
you back up to your feet they brush you
off and they give you the Jerry Maguire
speech like you've got this you're going
to pull it off I know it and I'm here
with you and even if you fail I'm ride
or die to the end and that their every
Behavior tells you that really is true
that that just outshines especially if
it's coupled with great sex that
outshines the variety and all that stuff
but anyway for them it's it's going to
seem like this is a winning strategy but
you get these guys that haven't healed
to use your language that are they're
devastated they feel overlooked and the
advice they would have gotten
when if they grew up when I grew up was
they're Just Not That Into You get
better go to the gym uh push yourself if
women are into looks money status I
think that's the the trifecta for the
black pill Community if that's what
they're into then Max those stats out
yeah but there's something now that's
happening where
it's become
reinforced Within These groups and again
I'm going to go to technology where now
people that are bitter and angry about
it they can find the other people that
are bitter and angry they can create a
supportive Community supportive in
quotes
they create their own supportive
Community they create Norms within their
Community where it's like no no you
shouldn't be striving to get better like
basically you should just sit and be
angry about this and so that's what they
reinforce in each other and much like
when a a heavyset woman loses weight
women will often turn on her if those
guys
try to start getting better then they
get turned on by their own group and so
it's one of the things that I love about
social media is you can find your people
no matter what no matter what your thing
is you can find your people but you can
also find people that are going to hold
you back while supporting you it's
really yeah it's crazy interesting and I
think that so they they do strive to get
better so to speak I think the problem
is the mentality is get better simply
for self it's more of a selfish thing
rather than what I can then bring to a
partner what I can then give to my
community what I can serve on a higher
level than just that's important I do
think that's important because again if
it's done in this very selfish me me way
how are you going to be able to come
together with someone and have this
healthy relationship I think there's a
balance that we have to strike that we
have to understand that a healthy happy
success relationship is two people
pouring into each other all right you
have to have your own Foundation you you
do ask me about that more because that
would be my one pushback which part the
importance to each other or the fact
that you have to have your own
Foundation because I don't think people
can pour into somebody else if they're
still a mess yes so that's my point so I
so I view having your own Foundation as
so let's let's focus on men one I think
it's healing yourself I don't think
enough men are getting the help they
need to heal from past issues what does
that look like that looks like a facing
the hurts that you've been holding on to
okay so I know your drill about who hurt
me for people that don't know quick
primer right people that hurt you so
exactly you make a get a piece of paper
write down the words who hurt me ask
yourself that question everyone who
comes to mind put them on the paper are
you trying to get them to take
responsibility to Let It Go like well
I'm trying to get them to release it so
essentially look at it like this
emotions are trapped energy within us
when we don't let it out all right
whether that be hurt anger anxiety
whatever the case it is and even
speaking Our Truth when we when we
suppress anything we're gonna cause
problems so a lot of men have not
learned how to handle and process their
emotions they suppress and now that
suppression is causing all all kinds of
other problems you know recently I I'm a
firm believer that I stand on the idea
that women are more emotionally driven
than men and I'll get pushback sometimes
and women will say oh no men are just as
emotional and it's like no men have
maybe greater emotional outbursts all
right greater bouts of being angry or
very passionate because they suppress so
much that when it finally comes out it
comes out very strong however they're
not as emotionally driven in their
decision making it's very different and
so as men we have to learn to release
these things and also understand how to
process the things that have happened to
us because we internalize certain
rejections we internalize certain hurts
and now that's what's affecting that
man's self-esteem are you trying to
clear the pipes so that the emotions
don't get bottled up yes it's all about
relief so look at it like an emotional
detox we're trying to flush out all of
that negative energy that you've been
holding on to because again what skill
is that going to give them that they'll
bring to a relationship okay one it will
give them more clarity an ability to be
in tune with their partner because the
reality is that we struggle to sometimes
Embrace how our partner is feeling
because we're caught up in our own
feelings about things all right and
because we're holding on to that fear of
maybe well last time I was vulnerable
with a woman look how it backfired on me
so that's a perfect example there's a
lot of men on the internet now who will
say men should not be vulnerable with a
woman I dispute that I think you need to
be vulnerable because you will expose
what kind of woman she is can she handle
you in your vulnerable moments or not
but also as men we have to understand
there's a difference between being
vulnerable and being emotionally
unstable all right someone's going to
ask you if there's vulnerability done
well and vulnerability to important
exactly so it's almost like looking at a
child there there's one child who comes
to you they're having a hurtful moment
they're sad and they tell you how they
feel there's the other child who's being
frantic all emotional whining and
they're not even receiving what you have
to say that's what some men are doing
and they don't realize it but then it
goes further because they'll say well
this woman is judging me because I had
this moment no she's judging you because
you keep dwelling in this moment so for
example I had a I have a trainer and he
told me how a friend of female friends
of his told him that she left her man
after he lost his job and I said wait a
minute that that doesn't sound right she
really left after he got fired like
immediately he gets fired she drops him
I said I think this is missing some
details tell me what's going on so she
said well no what she told him was he
lost the job and then for the next month
or so all he did was whine and mope and
he did not look for another job I said
that's why
you re he remained in this weak mindset
this this weak state of mind that does
not it's not attractive to a woman and
he was not receiving any of her
encouragement he was not doing anything
to better himself that was the problem
not the moment of vulnerability not the
moment of losing his job the dwelling in
it and so when we learn how to heal we
learn how to not dwell in these things
any longer all right we learn how to
take the hit and get right back up
because now once we've processed things
and understand that life is so much
bigger than this was just all about us
when people hurt us it's that whole hurt
people hurt people thing and they're
taking their hurt out on us but it's it
it's a reflection of the deeper issues
within them and whether you realize
they're not as a man or a woman if you
don't resolve your hurt you're going to
hurt people whether it's yourself people
who are trying to love you whoever
you're gonna pass it on so which goes
back to what the benefit is in a
relationship when you have not healed
you are more than likely going to either
hurt this woman in some ways that maybe
not blatantly intentional but in your
trying to protect yourself and your
emotions you will shut her out you will
make her feel more detached or you will
make her feel devalued in the
relationship you have to be able to be
vulnerable and open if you truly want to
come together with a woman and have
something successful because remember
women need security and that's not just
we always think about financial but it's
emotional too and how can she feel
emotionally secure with a man who seem
so closed off who won't let her in you
see so that's where healing is going to
help not to mention healing helps
because a lot of men men are choosing
women based out of their heart meaning
I've had men
where they were with a beautiful woman
and things went wrong and again there's
this natural inclination when we get
hurt to just think it was all about them
they were the bad guy they did it and
not consider what we could have done
better in this situation well these guys
get hurt and you know what happens they
say I'm never dating a beautiful woman
again all right so now they will
intentionally choose a less attractive
woman not because he's truly in love
with her truly into her because it feels
safer here
and he feels like okay well she'll
worship the ground I walk on so I don't
have to worry about being as vulnerable
as I was last time where I was
devastated because she didn't
reciprocate it eventually so it creates
a dynamic where people start to choose
individuals who feel safe but aren't
really best for them it's interesting
that's complicated because I think
sexual market value matters yes and I
think if you're way outside of your
sexual market value or if your sexual
market value is for something else so
being old and Rich it's now and you're
with a young beautiful woman that that
[ __ ] is predicated on your money man and
on her side it's predicated on her youth
Grant is like but this is terrible I
don't want to stray too far from
foundations okay so I'll just let me
write that down sorry go ahead I'm just
gonna say but there's a difference
between
you operating in the sexual marketplace
where you can find your happiness and
you choosing what's safe because you
fear being vulnerable yes that's the
difference you see what I'm saying so
but there is a point where like you
could have you could get yourself into a
position where now it's like I really do
feel insecure with the beautiful woman
you mean just that your sexual market
value has gotten out of kilter because
it can happen to the woman it can happen
to the man and so it's interesting like
when I even think about this with my
wife I I've really run the thought
experiment of there are things that I do
that are part of the value I bring to my
marriage and what would happen if I
either couldn't do them anymore or I
start making mistakes over and over and
I don't know how to fix it I thought wow
like my wife would give me a lot of
leeway we have a lot of years but like
at some point there would be like hey
things have really gotten out of balance
here it's interesting I don't think my
wife and I would break up or anything
but it yeah when I think about hey I
have to be thoughtful about that like I
need to continue
um
you can't stop performing like there is
a point at which life is a combination
of intention and results yes and good
intentions get you a long way they
really do but they don't get you all the
way there like at some point anyway I
want to get back to foundation so we've
got healing got to do it clear the pipes
out emotional stability one of the most
amazing things you've said the
difference between vulnerability and
being emotionally unstable yeah that
right there people need to write that
down and remember that that that's huge
okay so but we've got a guy now that
he's gonna go on the healing Journey so
that he can be emotionally available
[Music]
what else is part of that Foundation
okay to me the next part is financial
stability now I've heard you say that
people shouldn't date unless they're
finding a guy shouldn't date unless he's
financially stable that exactly exactly
the comment section just lit on fire
well I I find Financial stability as you
can take care of yourself okay here's
the reason why I think a lot of people
don't understand the long-term
ramifications of missing some of these
steps so if you're a guy and you're not
financially stable is it possible to get
a woman who loves you yes the problem is
a lot of men are wired to where they do
what they have to do to get what they
want to get if they're already getting
it they will no longer do it so so
interesting you mentioned that earlier I
really think this is worth hammering
homes yes guys have and people are going
to hate this but it's true guys have
conquered worlds to impress women
everything I've ever done since I met
Lisa has been to impress her as hard as
I work the great irony is that
so I think you you were on red table
talk so this is public so something you
and I have not discussed but interesting
thing about Will and Jada will was talk
Will Smith was talking about he built
this huge mansion and he did it for Jada
and Jada looked at him was like no you
did that for you and my wife was like oh
you need to hear this like how important
like see like she doesn't need that from
him she loves him anyway and I was like
you need to slow the [ __ ] down I was
like let me tell you right now I'm doing
this all for you and if you throw that
back in my face and are like I don't
need this I don't care you're not giving
me an outlet I I am hardwired to
it's part of the Disposable Male
hypothesis I am here to protect to
defend the group to defend you to defend
my children like uh it is in me there's
nothing you're going to be able to do to
to strip that other than lower people's
testosterone microplastics but like in
in a good state that that makes it all
matter to me so
did you ask me to do it no did you want
a guy that was ambitious yes yeah so you
have intentionally gotten with a guy and
in her case I told her you can ask me to
give anything up and I'll do it but not
my ambition I don't know who I am
without it and I don't want to know and
so now it's like hey I'm going to go to
war
I want to go to war for you and the
second that she snubs that and is like
dog don't think that you're working this
hard for me yes now you you may be
saying I need more in the relationship
and so you can't lose yourself to the
ambition you can't only pursue the
ambition because then you're you are
doing it for me and you're doing it in
my name but you're not actually giving
me a gift that I can receive yeah
so it's like okay complex
but very important okay so now going
back to you can skip this step you need
to get financially uh stable one I don't
think you said it out loud but I've
heard you say it before I think it's
important for you to say you're not
saying Rich exactly I'm not saying just
being able to take care of yourself you
can take care of your own bills if you
didn't have anyone else you'd be able to
live your life and be okay that way
you're not walking into a relationship
as any kind of burden to that woman but
also again as I mentioned because a lot
of men are wired to where they will not
do it unless they have to and this woman
takes them at a time where they have not
achieved that stability a lot of men
didn't fall off at that point and they
get comfortable with the fact that she's
holding them up now she's only holding
you up with the hope that you will
finally get yourself together and even
surpass maybe even what you were
thinking but if you guys are in
alignment with that understanding it can
create a huge problem the other aspect
to consider is that and here's the other
reason why it's still dangerous is even
when she is she genuinely loves you and
wants to work with you
you run the risk of her struggling to
ever fully respect you because in her
mind I made you I built you you are
nothing without me all right a woman
needs to Revere the man she's she's with
she needs to have a level of respect for
him and if she feels like you could not
do this without her it's going to be a
struggle so this is where Linger on that
point for a second yeah no problem okay
I agree with you that a man should
become a certain level of capable yes
before he gets in a relationship now
when I met Lisa
she didn't have a job so fair she was
being taken care of by her father
I didn't exactly have a good job but I
had a job but then while we were engaged
I didn't have a job and she did and she
was the only one making money and I slid
into a really dark place and so I wasn't
doing much of anything and it really
became a friction point
cutting a very long story short I get my
act together I become the person that
people know today I become hyper
successful
there was a moment in there though where
I realized I wouldn't have become who I
became if it wasn't for her and there is
a phrase that I'm gonna guess is very
out of Vogue now but uh when she said it
I was like oh my God that's brilliant
it's from the movie uh My Big Fat Greek
Wedding which was the man is the head
and the woman is the neck
and I was like oh my God that's my
marriage and I'm the one that's
ambitious I'm going after this that or
the other but my wife through wifely
means can incentivize pursuing certain
things and not others and so she has
been very good at harnessing my drive
intelligence desire all of that to
um
you know hey have you thought about
going in and pushing for this or hey you
should really ask for that or make this
demand or whatever and so really push me
to be a tougher more aggressive
better version of myself and when it was
all said and done and and we you know
were adorned in worldly success I broke
down in tears and was like because this
is before she really stepped into her
own it was like the world's Never Gonna
understand that I wouldn't be who I am
without you and
that was useful for me and for her it
was useful for me to realize I'm not an
island I didn't do this by myself that I
had help
but I felt comfortable saying that
because I'm a warrior and I don't need
her to you know tell me do this out of
the other but she made me better
so here's the difference she inspires
you
she activated things within you that you
already possessed she may have helped
add a level of perspective all right and
again got your fire going that's very
different from the woman and let's use a
very simple example she get with this
gets with this man he doesn't have a job
right now she's the one going online
putting in his resumes she's the one
making the phone calls she's doing
everything so she literally is making
him Lisa wasn't my mother it was my wife
there you go and that's the huge
difference and that's why I say you know
it is there's exceptions to every Rule
and it that's why a man has to just
understand okay
and I'll flip it for a second I tell
women if you're gonna get with a man
when he's not financially stable the
question is what is his character if his
character isn't is in place and he's a
man that you know is willing to put in
the work and do what he needs to do but
yes it might be that you help with some
things here and there but he will
actually make the efforts cool but if
you are dragging this man to the Finish
Line that's a problem all right but then
here's another risk that people don't
consider
some women only get with the guy who's
not stable yet not out of some genuine
love but out of power and control
because now she feels here I have an
upper hand and it's safer here so to
give an example I met this one guy I
spoke on this panel many years ago and
he said when he got with his wife or now
ex-wife
um he was broke you know she was willing
to work with him so for the first few
years she was paying for everything but
he got himself together and became very
successful and in his mind it was like
you know you held me down all these
years I want to take care of you he said
when he started paying the bills and
doing things for her she was like what
are you doing she became very
uncomfortable it actually started to
cause conflict in the relationship
because her intention was to hang on to
that power
and now she felt like she doesn't have
that upper hand anymore and now she
starts to feel insecure like well now he
can get a better woman why does he want
me and and now that starts to play a
negative role in the relationship so the
problem is again it isn't to say there
aren't genuine situations you help that
woman how would I help that one she
comes to you you know the whole story he
rises up it's amazing she's now getting
insecure let's say they came to you for
effectively therapy yeah therapist but
you get the idea uh what would you tell
her so the first thing we would do is
focus on what what hurt is she holding
on to because no one behaves like that
if they're healed that's plain and
simple and this is again why healing is
so important because it will rear its
ugly head in relationships at some point
one or another and some people can
survive it most people do not and so it
would be a focus on all right let's get
to the root of why did you even feel the
need to have this control why why are
you so scared what what were you hurt
from that you have not released and
addressed but here's the unfortunate
truth that would also come out
because a lot of people choose the wrong
person to be with because they haven't
healed and that's why when some people
do get healed while they're in a
relationship they start to realize oh
snap
this isn't this person isn't for me I
don't want this anymore you know now
that I'm I'm finally tapping into my
true self I now realize we're not in
alignment with each other we never were
but I was able to hide behind all these
other things and distractions and
rationalize why I should be here because
again it felt safer because remember
when I use the word safer what I'm
saying is this relationship does not
require my full vulnerability because
I'm not into them like that they don't
do it for me like that but where with
someone that we're really into that
pulls everything out all right and and
the couples who learn how to handle and
embrace that can go on to have an
amazing relationship but many because
they have not healed will run from that
so there's tons of people who meet the
right person but because they haven't
healed they can't handle the
relationship and they sabotage it they
find something wrong with it I just
talked to another guy the other day he
was on the verge of getting engaged and
the woman said I can't do this I I never
been treated like this before I don't
know how I can I can't handle it I don't
it just makes no sense of the treatment
yeah he TR he treated her amazing
she just waiting for the other shoe to
fall yes exactly because when you have
already been through all kinds of
disappointments and hurts you just are
used to negative you're like no this guy
must be setting me up for something
wrong something's gonna happen he he's
treating me nice now to be abusive later
that's literally what some will think
because they cannot process this being
real and genuine because they're holding
on to all that negative energy and again
it happens to men as well I would argue
it happens to women more than it happens
to men uh the idea of letting that fear
sabotage the relationship but it can
happen on both sides but back to the
point of um being stable and the fact
that some people are just getting
together because it feels safe that's
the reason why I think as a man by
creating that Financial stability you at
least minimize all those things all
those concerns I just mentioned so
you're coming in having a foundation
that she can respect so now it's easier
for her to view you as a man who has the
character of putting in the work and can
do more so now she can be your magnifier
not the creator of your life all right
and as you kind of mentioned she's not
your mother now she's your partner a lot
of women are with men where they're the
mother plain and simple
so how do you think about Partnerships
between men and women
um do you think it matters who leads do
you think it matters like stay-at-home
dads like does do you think that there's
um are there roles in general obviously
yes averages averages that that will
serve us absolutely 100 I and some
people don't like this but I'll be
honest I believe one the match should be
the leader of the house and I believe
that what does that mean because I doubt
you mean he tells you what to do exactly
that simply means it's almost like being
the team captain of a basketball team
all right he may be making the final
decisions we're gonna go with his vision
and his plan but a smart leader
considers what his team has to say so a
man a smart man a smart husband is going
to consider the perspective of his wife
you cannot not include her in the
process that's going to cause a lot of
problems I also think that when we
understand the the strengths of men and
women here's how I look at it I view
women as smarter than men all right
because women are more thorough thinkers
than men are meaning women consider
every Last Detail all right and they
pick up on every little thing which is
why women tend to be better Liars than
men because when a woman lies she's
already running the play on every angle
that can come out of this that she has
to cover her bases on When a Man Lies
he's lying for that moment right one
angle that's it okay so if she asks
enough questions she can catch him in
the LIE the problem is unfortunately and
people take this as an offensive thing
but it shouldn't be offensive it's just
the reality of how we're biologically
wired women are more emotionally driven
which is why so I've heard somebody on
the podcast say well if women are so
smart then why are they making all these
bad choices of men
because what happens is a woman's
intuition can tell her the man's not the
one for her her mind and all the details
she's gathered can tell her this is not
it but her emotion enough maybe she's
afraid to be alone maybe she just is is
hanging on to something that he provides
maybe she just likes the fantasy of what
this can become those emotions push her
to rationalize past her knowledge and
make a decision that isn't always wise
for her so now when you bring a man and
a woman together in a relationship I
view it as the man has a strength of
being able to separate emotion from his
decision making all right it's easier
for us and again when we understand that
testosterone and estrogen Drive certain
things in us we we see why this is a
fact for most people and so as a man you
gain the perspective of the woman who's
giving you all the angles that you may
not be thinking about giving you the
more thorough thought process that maybe
you haven't considered a few things but
then being able to take her information
as the leader and say okay here it is
here's what I know here's what she gave
me what's the best decision here in the
interest of both of us of our family
that she understands I'm leading with
love not to be her dictator not to just
run her until I do as I say but to make
sure we're moving in the best possible
Direction and so that might mean that
something that she suggested is the way
we do it right so it doesn't mean she
has no influence it just means that he
will make the final decision and the
reason why I believe he has to make the
final decision and that's going to be
most beneficial for the average couple
is because here's what happens on the
flip side where people try to do the
egalitarian relationship or the woman
making the decisions in most cases the
vast majority over time as I said men
don't do what they don't have to do any
longer
if he's been taken out of the mix from
making decisions because she's either
making them or when we're doing the
whole equal thing what happens is
everyone everything's great if we're in
agreeance the minute that there's a
disagreement now he has a choice as a
man do I go what my wife says to make
her happy or do I do what I think is
best but now I'ma piss her off and pay a
price okay and what most men tend to do
is they might try once to go their way
and once they pay that price once
they're like you know what I don't want
that trouble I'm gonna default to her so
now he gets in the habit of defaulting
Default Time defaults happy life exactly
and so she may be okay with that in the
moment but over time there's gonna be
there's going to be situations where
she's bombarded by life she's
overwhelmed she doesn't have the mental
capacity right now to handle dealing
with this decision she needs you to make
it but this man has been disarmed from
his ability to learn how to make
decisions because ask any I mean you you
know better than anybody as an
entrepreneur as a businessman making
decisions it requires energy that's why
like I've heard of Bezos you know how he
says he pays a bunch of people to make
all the small decisions so that he can
handle the big ones all right because
you don't want to be overwhelmed dealing
with so many things to where it takes
away from your focus and ability to be
sharp with that bigger decision so for a
woman when we understand remember I said
they're thorough thinkers because
they're thorough thinkers women tend to
be in their head a lot okay but that
causes a lot of mental exhaustion so if
she's handling stuff with the kids if
she's also working if she's dealing with
stuff around the house and now she has
to constantly deal with the one being
being the one that makes the final
decision that's gonna wear her out and
so now because he is incapable she
starts to resent that she starts to lose
respect for him you know what I'm saying
he now feels like more of a liability
than anything else and everything goes
downhill so that's why when I I tell
people let that man lead is because even
the process of making decisions you have
to practice you're not going to just
jump in the fire and be a great decision
maker it doesn't work that way you got
to go through the bumps and the bruises
of handling this learning how to process
how to take her information how to
consider all angles so if you don't let
that man grow in that role he's not
going to become great at it and it would
be more beneficial for the whole
household for him to learn how to do
that than to him to lose that skill
you are on something that I think is
really important I'm going to Fumble my
way through because I've actually never
thought about this in a way that I had
to say out loud but thinking about my
own marriage so
I've taken a slightly different approach
to that so in the broad Strokes I agree
with you but there might be a Nuance
where we see things a little bit
differently so I think that
people have to put this into
evolutionary perspective so we have to
think about
um we have to abstract it from today and
think about why we are biologically the
way that we are so we are a mammal and I
think that in a modern context it's very
easy to forget that because we have
birth control we have baby formula but
for hundreds of thousands of years
the woman one couldn't stop her period
it was going to come when it was going
to come and so that already is gonna
um
create problems so there's going to be
times in the month where you're not able
to just wander around and go do the
hunting and things like that so you're
you're already going to be relegated a
little bit because of a cycle on top of
that men are the
um they are the answer to the question
of what would women create
has one half of the species over a very
long period of time because women are
the sexual Gatekeepers and so men being
stronger men being hyper ambitious all
that that is effectively what they have
bred us to be if you will
um and so there's a reason for that so
if if they realize okay wait a second I
need to be optimized this gets so
interesting so
the the strategy that the human animal
took as a species is that we decided to
build a big brain with a lot of folds in
it and to use culture as our weapon so
we don't have stronger muscles sharper
claws bigger teeth what we have is a
more effective brain at problem solving
really at being able to predict the
outcome of our behaviors so it's a
prediction engine
and
it's a trade-off though so women it the
size of the head dictates the width of
the pelvis of a woman and the angle of
the pelvis and we have taken it about as
far as you can take it and a woman still
be able to stand upright and run and so
if the head got bigger and the pelvis
had to widen and tilt more then she just
wouldn't be able to stand upright so we
go that far and then we stop but we want
to make the baby even smarter so what do
we do we make their heads soft and we
have this extended period of infancy
where they have to be cared for 20
minutes after birth a horse is doing all
the things a horse is going to do a
human is not two years after it they're
still not and so we have this prolonged
period where the woman is going to have
to take care of the child one of the
most fascinating things to me is that
women 15 percent of women have a fourth
photoreceptor so guys have RGB three
that's it red blue green period end of
story
some women because they have that fourth
photoreceptor can actually see more
colors than men the question becomes why
would women have that and no men have it
one hypothesized answer which makes a
lot of sense to me is that given that a
woman is going to have to take care of
the infant and it's going to be
optimized for that instead of strength
so they've outsourced their strength
they've bred that into men they said I
need you to protect me I'm going to be
here with the infant I'm going to be
incapacitated I'm going to have the
period I'm going to do all these things
I'm going to breastfeed I'm literally
going to make food in my body and then
have to hold the infant to deal with it
right in an uncontrollable manner it's
not like it is today where you can be on
the period and then stop and then have
kids fertility treatments none for
hundreds of thousands of years so it's
like hey I need to get really good at
being able to see the change and the
color of the baby's cheeks to know how
are they doing are they frustrated hurt
sick all of it and so that's one
potential reason why they might have
more photoreceptors but it shows women
are optimized for something different
they're not optimized strength are
optimized for birthing a big head
for breastfeeding you would imagine that
they would be far more
emotionally connective absolutely right
which you've talked about that and then
also you get into
um they're going to need to be less
volatile they're going to need meaning
physically aggressive they're going to
need to be more averse to physical
aggression that they they wouldn't want
that to be the solution again which is
why they did not optimize for strength
fighting ability all that stuff so
anyway
you take that as the context because I'm
going to talk about the slightly
different strategy that my wife and I
run so that's the setup right my wife is
optimized for one thing I'm optimized
for another I'm optimized for ambition
aggression uh systems the traditional
males yes and we're on a spectrum and I
actually lean more feminine my wife
tends to lean more masculine I think
it's one of the secrets of our marriage
but anyway I'm still on average far more
masculine than my wife
so you put that together okay so I feel
given our biological optimizations I
don't think that I'm smarter than my
wife but I do think that there are
things that I'm better optimized for and
one of them is if I'm gonna have to
sacrifice if I'm the Disposable man so
if an intruder were to break into the
house she doesn't even think about it
she actually fell asleep one time when
our alarm went off she just went back to
sleep I'm [ __ ] walking around the
house like I'm about to get in a fight
and
as it should be in my opinion right so
so that if I'm the one that's going to
go off to die I need to be able to make
my own decisions I can't be in it hey
what should I do so I'm already
optimized for you stay there be safe
shut the door I'm gonna go take action
you don't want a worker be doing that
you want someone that can think for
themselves so anyway one of many reasons
why I think that from a biological
standpoint I'm probably slightly more
optimized for a certain kind of decision
making yeah but what Lisa and I have
done is gone you know what we need to
understand you're better at some things
than I am and I'm better at some things
than you are so we're going to
acknowledge those areas of proficiency
and deficiency and when it's your area
of expertise we're going to go with your
answer when it's my area of expertise
we're going to go with mine when it's
unknown or we Collide and we can't agree
then we're going to do everything in our
power possible to convince each other
but if we can't then that's when when
I'm going to lead what is up my friend
Tom bilyeu here and I have a big
question to ask you how would you rate
your level of personal discipline on a
scale of 1 to 10 if your answer is
anything less than a 10 I've got
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boring which is what kills most people
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here is the thing achieving huge goals
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requires you to do those challenging
stressful things and to stick with them
even when it gets boring and it will get
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meaningful unless you develop discipline
right I've just released a class from
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legendary peace out
and that is 100 the formula that I agree
with would subscribe to because I think
any wise person understands your partner
may have strains that you do not have
and it would only be smart to let them
handle that and to help them shine
exactly that was something I learned
early on the hard way I thought my wife
would only be sexually attracted to me
if I was better than her at everything
uh recipe for disaster yeah yeah because
people want to feel valued they want to
feel like they're bringing something uh
to the dynamic and to the relationship
so I think that is the way to do it
because so my argument has only ever
been once there is that stalemate we
have to have an understanding of who
will then break it because if there
isn't the understanding that you will
take the lead in those moments you will
have a forever clash and now we're back
to that example where I said the woman
will either make him feel like he has to
give in to her because he's going to pay
a price if he doesn't but if she already
understands and respects that listen in
these moments we know you will take the
lead she's not gonna fight you he's not
going to make your life harder because
we're doing the way that we said we
would do it so I think that's why it's
important to happen here's an important
thing because it's funny there is one
thing in our lives I just can't get her
to do my way and so it's interesting as
I think through this one I'm very good
at waiting when when to push and say no
no we need to do it this way and when I
actually do give in because I think it's
very important for both of you to given
when the other person it really matters
to them and it doesn't matter quite as
much to you yes and there's one thing
that my wife and I are sort of of equal
it really matters to me in the opposite
direction that it really matters to her
and that's tidiness so I find tidiness
to be deeply inefficient so I am I'm I
have optimized and reinforcing myself
for efficiency efficiency to me is
everything all every the house the
everything I've achieved yeah it's it's
because I'm obsessed with efficiency my
wife wants everything to be tidy
otherwise it gives her a deep sense of
anxiety and my thing is I need to know
where everything is because I cannot
waste a second searching for something
so anyway we've collided on this so many
times and and it sounds funny when we
say it but it really bothers me and it
really bothers her and it's like this
ongoing bone of contention and so with
everything else in our lives though
we've been able to find that thing like
okay I don't care as much about this as
you do so even though I disagree let's
go even though I disagree and you have
not convinced me I'm still gonna
acquiesce and say cool if that really
matters to you and that give and take I
think is critically important being very
thoughtful about when you draw a hard
Line in the Sand I think is very
important so many people draw a line in
the sand because they're insecure about
their leadership which in fact brings me
to my most inflammatory statement okay
this is the part that I'm fumbling
through maybe I'll change my mind but I
think I'm I'm pretty sure about this
okay
I'm into short women okay I when asked
at the age of 19 to describe my future
wife I said many things all of which
ended up being true to a almost freakish
degree but one of them was she'll be
short okay I'm just into it and yeah it
makes me feel powerful that's the honest
answer and I like to feel powerful and I
think it's Universal I think guys do and
Ladies If I may make a suggestion make
your man feel powerful and a lot of
problems will go away uh so that
dimorphic difference makes me feel
strong and powerful so I love it and
always knew that that was going to be a
thing but another thing that so I give
that as an example of something where
you you just have a thing that you're
looking for yeah another thing that I
think matters a lot to guys and they
should be very thoughtful about and
women want a guy hypergamy they date
across and up when it comes to
intelligence and access to resources so
with guys I would say you want to marry
someone where you're the right person to
lead
so I wouldn't want and my wife has said
this to me so many times and on camera
I'm not talking out of school when I
tell you that my wife has said you're
the right person between the two of us
when we can't convince each other you're
the right person to lead
I weep for men who are in a relationship
where they're trying to lead and they're
not the right person to lead yeah and
they actually pick somebody that's just
better at reading the situation than
they are and so I think that this is one
of those things that's really
undervalued in terms of
how
thoughtful you need to be about if
you're a guy that's like no no I think
it's rad like I want my wife to lead
cool then you can you don't in fact you
better pick somebody that's better at
that yeah than you are but if you want
to lead and that's like a part of how
you bring value to the relationship
you better be the right person to lead
absolutely and that goes back to why I
think the foundation has to be in place
because it can be difficult to establish
yourself as a leader at times when you
don't have any foundation in place for
her to respect now again there's
exceptions to every rule but you make it
easier for yourself when you at least
get that together and I do think that
some men have to realize well
unfortunately I think some men are not
understanding the importance of them
being able to lead I do think that some
men are confusing leadership with
control and thinking that it's just
about me getting my way rather than no
it's about leading your relationship to
better doing what's in the best interest
of you and your partner and that's why
again it's so important to consider your
partner's feelings I've I've talked to a
lot of husbands before having problems
and one of the complaints from the wife
is he doesn't tell me anything he does
things without mentioning it to me and
that makes it's not even about whether
you you are capable of making the right
choice by excluding her you are making
her feel devalued all right and you then
it starts to pour over into other things
because another issue is so you don't
include her in decision making
the only time you want to touch her is
when you want to have sex all right
which is another area that wives feel or
Partners feel very devalued because to
them she starts to think I am just a
sexual object to you I am nothing more
than that and so when you devalue her in
all these different ways you don't talk
to her in general and just hear how
she's feeling even if it's not a
decision to be made
she starts to become very detached from
that relationship and it creates a lot
of problems not to mention she will now
become less sexually receptive to you
which then opens the door to a whole
nother slew of issues so now you're
frustrated so the reality is that we
have to find ways to bring each other
together in every aspect and that's why
I think as a leader you just all most
women just want to be heard
that's it they just want to know your
listening and you're considering what
they're saying you don't have to do it
their way many of them will try to get
their way because they feel like they've
been dismissed for so long so now I have
to flex my muscles I have something I
want to run by you go ahead I've
recently my wife and I have been running
into uh a frustration
where I go into robot mode which we can
talk about later but first I want to
talk about where she's saying I just
want to be heard and I finally realized
the other day I think I'm right
[Laughter]
uh she doesn't just want to be heard she
wants me to sync up with her emotions
and the word she's using is heard but
she doesn't feel heard if I'm like oh
man I totally hear you yes so I disagree
I think you're reacting poorly but I
hear you you've been heard uh she wants
me to be like that's outrageous I'm
totally with you I can't like she
actually wants me to match her emotion
dude when I do it she feels heard it's
so interesting and I feel like if women
would start using a different language
which is I want you to sync up with my
emotion then they would actually be
asking for the thing that's going to
make them feel good because they for
instance part of what happens with my
wife and I is some she has the gear of
righteous indignation I almost don't
have it it is so hard to get me there
and when she gets into that gear and
somebody has wronged her she wants me to
be like yeah that's ridiculous and all I
can think is if you go react like that
you're not going to get what you
actually want out of this situation and
but once I realized oh my God what she's
actually asking for is me to sync up
does that feel
right or am I missing something
I so I think what came to mind when you
mentioned that is yes I think women want
you to feel them they they want you to
be in tune with where they are and to
acknowledge their feelings
um I don't know if you have to sync up
completely with their emotions because
like you said the problem is it can
become dangerous if they need that
counter emotion to kind of bring forth
New Perspective and help them calm down
from where they are we do that if you
can teach me how to do this I will be in
your debt forever so the key is it's
acknowledging how they feel I think
sometimes we think because we don't
understand we can't acknowledge all
right so how do you acknowledge how do
you acknowledge in a in an honest way
where I I because if I don't if I think
that that emotion makes no sense what do
I do because I don't want to patronize
her and be like oh my God I totally went
inside I'm like I actually don't get
this this is a mistake so okay so look
at like this let's say a situation
upsets her and she's angry and to you is
like you don't need to be angry right
now your first step is I understand why
this is making you mad because you do
you understand that this is the type of
woman she is and these types of things
piss her off so you that is a true
statement I understand why this is
making you mad all right and I I feel
you but I want you to you know look at
it this way let's you know feel better
and kind of be to calm to her storm in
that moment the thing is what we tend to
do as men is we dismiss how they feel oh
you're overreacting oh that's silly oh
you don't need to be you know handling
it that way you're nowhere are you
acknowledging how she feels so it's an
acknowledgment and and then and in that
acknowledgment your mindset has to be
how can I now make you feel better or
help contribute a positive energy into
you rather than back up the negative
you're feeling and magnify it no how can
I pour into that positive so it's almost
like let's flip it you're upset about
something let's just say I don't know if
you're a huge sports fan but let's say
your team just lost and you are pissed
off the last thing you want your woman
to come to you and say it's just a game
what's wrong with you you don't want to
hear that right now you're mad your team
lost if she comes to you rubs your back
I understand don't worry you know
they'll do better next time they had a
great seasonable that would make you
feel better so again she doesn't have to
understand why you're so passionate
about sports she doesn't have to get
passionate with it passionate about it
with you she just has to acknowledge and
then soothe you so acknowledge then
soothe that's what I would suggest I
think that's very good advice yeah
that's really interesting what's really
interesting is it works to match to sync
up to express the same emotion and I
heard this it was from a guy that
probably studied NLP
and he was like if somebody comes at you
really hot even if they're angry at you
match their anger and be like I know I
get why you must be really angry about
this and you know I think that we can
work through and then you bring them
down yeah and I always thought would
that work but when I started matching my
wife and being like that's outrageous
she was like that actually works it
feels better but to your point what you
just described a thousand percent would
work on me that is precisely how I would
want my wife to react it'll be very
interesting I will try that with with
real sincerity of
I know you well enough I understand that
this is really upsetting you I'm here
with you I got you
I'm in it I'm not the even though I'm
not a sports fan I so get that analogy
the thing that I do get like that on is
video games uh like if I oh my God I
will get so angry and thankfully my wife
because we play together oh good she'll
she understands it and gives me space to
like vent and be angry but yeah she was
like it's just a game why are you acting
like that I'd get even more annoyed
exactly that's actually really really
helpful
okay so relationships are hyper complex
I think we've gotten through a big chunk
of it in terms of uh getting the
emotional stability understanding the
different roles that we play
understanding leadership understanding
how to make sure that we're both
bringing equal value that everybody
feels valued and understood
um how we can emotionally help to
regulate each other without inflaming
each other now if we both agree that
selection is a huge part of this we know
we're looking for somebody healed I
think we covered that well but how do
you find that person like both what do
you look for and mechanistically like
if we're not in dating apps where are we
going how do we is there like a dating
protocol where it's like first aid is
always on the phone or you know first
aid is always cop whatever like what
what do we look for how do we find it
okay so first thing I want to say is we
we don't have to look for them to
already be healed
I do think that that's a tough task
because the majority of people are not
interesting I think the key is because
once you heal you can see this function
so much easier you can see a lack of
healing so much easier so making sure
you're healed first that you can then
identify who isn't it who is and then
when you address it with them are they
willing to work on it if they're willing
to work on it then we can work with
something what signs do we look for
there it's not even a sign it's a matter
of when we discuss this issue are they
willing to acknowledge it are they
willing to take any accountability for
it and if we suggest if if you've healed
then you would have had a method of
either going to a therapist or coach or
you would have read a book you would
have had some tool that you can now
suggest to them are they receptive to
that tool or they're just like I don't
need any help I'm fine that's it that's
your sign so clearly they don't want to
face it I I had one time went on a date
many years ago with a woman and she long
story short there was a there were
several issues but one of the things
that struck me was she was going to into
a field because it was uh the wish of
one of her family members okay but it
wasn't the field she wanted to do so
let's I don't want to put her out there
so let's just say it was uh Network I.T
network manager right
and so to me I'm my thing is I cannot be
with someone who does something that
they're not happy about doing because
you're going to bring that negativity
into the household and it's going to
affect me it's going to affect the
children we don't need that I'm
successful enough to where I can give
you the opportunity to do whatever fills
your heart
if you're gonna stay stuck to what
someone else wants you to do we can't we
can't work here and so when I brought up
this issue and I brought up other issues
her response was pretty much oh no I you
know I'm fine oh no like there was a
complete rejection of addressing these
things or doing anything about it to me
that was my sign okay this isn't gonna
work you know so that's one thing is
just making sure you're healed and
seeing if they are willing to heal
because just waiting for everyone that
you meet to be healed is going to be a
problem now how we go about looking for
them even though I said I don't use
dating apps I don't use it because the
position that I'm in all right I do
think more people should be using video
dating apps not how do you use them well
that's the key because when they talk
about how you know 80 of women are
chasing the 20 of men and all that kind
of stuff when you actually go on some of
these dating sites these profiles are
trash all right what's happening is most
people do not go on a dating app with
real intention they don't put real
effort you know the problem is that's
the mindset with relationships in
general we will go to school to get our
career we we will study things to learn
what we want to learn but when it comes
to relationships we think it should just
be oh we just walk into it and
everything should be fine rather than
doing the work to educate ourselves to
prepare ourselves to set ourselves up
for Success so for me with the guys I
think that if I'm a man the first thing
I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go to some
other women and say how does this
profile look how can this be more
attractive all right am I even putting
the right pictures up on it you put the
right pictures in that makes a huge
difference and the reality is that we
have to understand that the internet and
real life are very different the reason
why my personal belief one of the
reasons why I think that 80 of women are
chasing the 20 of men online on dating
apps is because we're more critical
online than we are in person when we are
either on Instagram or a dating app
we're literally looking for something to
knock this person off all right we're
dissecting every picture we're looking
at if their bodies saved this that all
those things because we have the time to
sit there and process when we meet in
person we our brains tend to go to what
we're attracted to we don't have time to
just break down every single angle so
it's easier for people to connect in
person so I do think though I encourage
dating apps I think men need to get out
more all right there was one time I was
on a show and they had a call-in section
and one of the guys called he said you
know I can't be any women I don't know
what's going on and long story short we
found out that when he would go out he
would meet women
but he was struggling on online dating
and we're like guy just get out more
like you have the answer in front of you
so I think we need to get out more but
optimize your profiles with pictures I
think also one things I I encourage the
women to do and I I would say this to
the men as well people go on a dating
app and they focus on what they want to
get rather than presenting their value
and I look at it from like the
perspective of if you are marketing a
product you don't go into Walmart and
the product says you know
um what what kind of customer I want no
they tell you why you should buy me why
I should pick your product same thing on
our dating app present why a woman
should be interested in you what makes
you the better choice than these other
guys that she's gonna see now what
should guys lead with basically I'm
asking what are women looking for on
average obviously this won't be every
woman but is there like best practices
if there's best practices as far as how
we present our value or the overall data
in that person send our value like I'm
thinking okay God forbid my wife is hit
by a meteorite or something and now I'm
dating again and I decide that I'm gonna
do a dating app what do I do I could
just put I'm rich [ __ ] like but for
real like that'll probably work a little
bit though but it would attract the
wrong person right so now I'm like okay
what do I actually like I've not thought
through this this so what would a guy
put
if he is
let's say he's got a [ __ ] together he's
financially stable not rich but he's
financially stable he's doing his thing
he's ambitious he's in shape
like he's doing the things but like how
do you present it so outside of making
sure your pictures are on point and
what's on point shirtless do we do
shirtless I don't think you need to do
shirtless because that can look like
you're trying too hard yeah it's just
favorable pictures and that's why I
think it's important to get the opinion
of a woman who can tell you this looks
good like this looks good on you you
know a lot of men don't realize
that because you know how nowadays you
hear about on the internet that all
these women want a six-figure man and I
always say listen the majority of
relationships consist of women who are
with men who don't make six figures can
I can I just say something go ahead I'm
so curious to see if you agree with us
what women really want they don't want
you to be broke for sure yeah they don't
give a [ __ ] they don't care about money
I'll just tell you that right now what
they care about how do you make them
feel yes Stefan I'm I'm arrogant can I
be arrogant okay so I can say this from
the safety of a marriage but let's
remember I landed my amazing wife when I
was broke so I think that I figured out
game I realized oh it's about how I make
her feel about herself and if I make her
feel better about herself when she's
around me sincerely by the way it has to
come from a real place I am like
legitimately impressed with this woman
but I know how to tell her in a way that
doesn't make me look weak or thirsty but
if you can make that woman feel about
herself the way she has always wanted to
feel then
you will do just fine I I secretly want
to go on a game show where I have to go
get a woman and they don't know who I am
and they don't know how much money I
have and I just have to spit game yeah
and because I know keep in mind the
thing I know about game is authenticity
only say what's real and even if you
told me that I have to hide certain
parts of my personality the other parts
I would make them so [ __ ] real and
the things that like when Lisa tells the
story about how we met and why she
thought I was interesting one I thought
she was legally obligated to leave the
country so I didn't think there was this
was going to be a long-term thing I had
recently realized that it's all about
the willingness to walk away to be
yourself in a fun playful manner package
yourself up well but
like you can't you can't act like I I
hope you pick me yeah it's the same
thing in a job interview I always tell
people don't try to win the job try to
assess the opportunity so if I'm like
asking her questions I'm learning about
her I'm finding the things that I'm
legitimately interested in whoa whoa
tell me more about that oh my God that's
actually really interesting
I am convinced
I'm going to tell you another story God
I'm really I'm really derailing us I had
a really interesting experience with a
woman one time we were dating
uh could not make her orgasm okay try
try try try try try can't do it
the the uh a night happens and I go into
a mode that people that have seen me
only on camera would be very familiar
with I got really passionate about a
topic and I was really going in and I
was explaining why I love this thing so
much and how much it mattered to me and
what I'm willing to do and how hard I'm
willing to go and I could see the way
she was looking at me changed she had an
orgasm the next day and I was like holy
[ __ ] so my mom gave me the best piece of
advice I ever got about women for a
woman to have an orgasm she has to trust
you yes I'm gonna add another thing
she has to be used enamored or something
like you have to just reveal you perfect
you have to do something that that woman
would actually Revere yes
the things that made me capable of
getting wealthy I'll have even if they
don't know I'm wealthy they'll pick up
on that all the things I've read the
character the character Jesus the
authenticity the Integrity dude guys are
arming themselves with the wrong things
yes but this is also why I would
probably lean away from online dating or
I'd be trying to get people on the phone
as fast as I could because I'm like I
have a magic trick that you're not going
to understand on a profile but if you
let me talk to you and you let me see
how attentive I am and that I'm really
listening and that I'm picking up on
something you've said that I have an
interesting follow-up question that
thing ah the way you mentioned your dad
was really interesting you kind of like
had a half smile I'm super curious
what's your relationship like you know
what I mean and like if if guys would
think about that without any [ __ ] or
pretense without faking who you are in
the slightest how do you make her feel
about herself the way she's always
wanted to feel no 100 and that's why so
it's funny because as you were giving
the stories one of the things I was
going to mention for the man to mention
in his dating profile was something
about his ability to communicate because
one of the biggest issues that women
have with men is their inability to
carry a conversation and so when you
were explaining your story like I can
tell that's one of the things that
intrigued the women that you dated is
that not only were you attentive to
listening to them asking questions but
you knew how to speak on things you had
interesting things to say a lot of men
struggle in that area which I don't want
to go all the way back but that goes
back to also foundation in the sense
that when you haven't been through
anything in your life you have nothing
to talk about all right so when you at
least allow yourself to go through some
things learn some things you have more
of a wealth of information to provide
women love a man they can learn
something from all right plain and
simple now to go back to the fact of the
the point of that most women are not
with a man who makes six figures
that's what I was getting out in the the
sense that men don't realize how many
women right now are with a broke man
okay and yes that you can't stay there
so let's make that clear you can't
remain there but the key is how do you
get your foot in the door to then
present your character that hopefully
you've built up strong enough to
actually wear to a point where a woman
would want to enjoy talking to you and
being with you and so a lot of men when
we talk about the dating profile they
have to look at it from a perspective of
this is just a tool to meet people
easier that's it and as you mentioned
you know your superpower is talking so
I'm very much like you where I actually
just sit on the interview the other day
I told her how I used to always have a
belief that you put me in a room with a
woman as long as he's attracted to me
I got it I'm good I know I can make this
work because I knew just as you how to
talk how to listen all those things it
came natural to me I think where a lot
of men struggle is they don't know how
to get their foot in the door one of the
things that I think about a lot is how
back in the days before all the internet
and dating apps you saw a lot more men
who may be considered average with
beautiful women all right and I believe
that was because the environment allowed
for those men to get their foot in the
door meaning they would be working with
this person for a few months she would
you would be able to make her laugh and
and in her enjoying that time with you
she became attracted to you we had more
people you know I don't know if it was
more people going to school but I felt
like more things were happening in
school you had more people introducing
you know through family friends and all
these different things all it boils down
to is that men had more Pathways to
getting their foot in the door and then
once that there they can make it work so
a lot of men as you said are arming
themselves with the wrong thing thinking
that it's just money money money money
no it's it's more the character than
anything and and you you nailed it when
you say you know if you if you know how
to make her feel good about herself that
goes a long way so back to the you know
how would you present your value on the
dating app so again I think talking
about showing that you're able to
communicate showing that you have an
intent for something serious because one
of the biggest complaints from women
with dating apps is these men are not
serious all right and most men who are
not serious they're they're very vague
with their intent on these dating apps
so if you come in on your profile saying
hey uh a man who loves to talk and
listen or whatever the case may be and
looking for a serious relationship or at
least open to not even say open looking
hopefully can find something serious
that's essentially stating your intent
is for a serious committed relationship
you've already jumped a bunch of other
guys on that dating app all right and
then the rest is just being yourself and
I think and and being willing to put
some effort into your profile because we
tend to be just very a lot of us will
just put pictures up one line and that's
it
women like to they want to see you know
read some stuff about you if you notice
like women will tend to have these
longer paragraphs oh the dating profile
men are very short and it's funny
because I'll tell them to flip it if you
want to attract the opposite so
basically for the women bullet points
make it quick and easy all right yes
but for men add a little bit more depth
to your to your bio that will help
present more of a value and separate you
from the men but also again just don't
go on there thinking if I don't get a
woman today that this was a failure it's
an easier is this a tool to meet people
easier but don't neglect going out and
as you mentioned I do think men have to
learn how to transition from dating app
to phone quicker all right or dating app
to uh in person date quicker because
what I also found is that many men and
I'll even say myself some of us are just
not good at the small talk with all that
chatting and being in the DM that's just
not our strength so if you stay there
too long you can lose her interest but
if you can move it to okay well we're
both interested let's go out for coffee
or let's go out to dinner lunch whatever
case you want to do I think that would
be the best best thing for most guys
I hear that yeah it was interesting as
you were talking about the the back and
forth in DMS that would be my nightmare
and then I was like oh AI is going to be
able to do that and I thought oh my God
there's going to be all these first Days
by the way I'm nothing like the AI I had
responding to
that'll that'll get very interesting
very fast okay so one thing that I want
to ask so in terms of compatibility kids
is a big part of that equation yeah but
also I'm curious at a more meta level
how important do you think for the
because you have a more traditional
leaning yeah Vibe I would say when it
comes to relationships
um do you think that for a traditional
structure to work that there need to be
kids involved because now all of a
sudden the woman has the area where
she's got a leadership role and she's
you know handling the day-to-day and
sort of all the things that she might
long for will play out with the kids
yeah
um I don't want to say it has to be
there
I think it can be very helpful and I
think naturally most people they want
kids anyway and I and I think even more
so a lot of women once they're with that
man that they're really in love with
many of them they're going to want it
now again there are some people who are
just wired to wear kids ain't really
their thing and I don't think you have
to have that to have a full fulfilling
loving healthy relationship so I think
it depends on the individuals involved
you know I just if I'm honest here I
just want more people
to accept or embrace the fact that if
you do want kids in your life man or
woman We should strive for more
marriages I just think that this idea of
you know all this content about don't
get married and you know you can't trust
marriage and blah blah blah I just think
that's way too negative way too damaging
and it's creating the negative cycle of
things that some of these same men are
complaining about
yeah so don't trust marriage it's
interesting I obviously am very
fortunate that I met my wife when I was
broken so there's nothing to worry about
and think oh I have something to lose or
anything but that to me really feels
like that's a you problem that's a
selection problem
one of the things when I think about why
I feel so like let me just show these
guys how it's done when it comes to this
is that I'm very good at reading people
so I've interviewed as an employer I've
interviewed over 1500 people it may not
sound like a lot until you run the math
it's a lot there's a lot of interviews
in fact since I clocked that stat I
probably interviewed like more than 16
or 1700
um and you really start to notice
patterns of behavior or body posture the
way people hold themselves structure of
the face I mean there's a lot you can
learn about somebody just from thin
slicing them you also get really good at
asking questions what kind of questions
get people to reveal themselves I think
I heard you say this and I agree very
much if you get somebody to talk they
will reveal who they are absolutely a
thousand percent and so
I when I hear people say that oh you
can't trust this that or the other I'm
like no you're not yet a good judge of
character and if you focused on getting
good at that if you focused on learning
how to ask the right questions what to
pay attention to that you would probably
feel like you're standing more on Terra
Firma than you feel now now look I get
it we all have our gifts
and part of it is I'm naturally inclined
towards that like I said I I skew more
towards the feminine side you probably
have more intuition than the average man
well I don't believe in intuition oh you
don't this kind of sounds like that's
what it is because you're able to pick
up on and feel and read things in a way
that's it's more of an intuitive type of
thing let me Define what I think
intuition is and then we'll see if we
agree okay intuition you're not born
with it it's entirely trained and so if
you I have trained myself I've seen so
many patterns over and over and over
that they've done this study and they'll
put three decks of cards in front of
people and there's you get like for
every high card you get a certain point
you actually get to keep the money at
the end so it's like you want to find
the deck that has the highest cards and
so you put your bet on which one of the
three decks now in the beginning of
course you have no idea so they bet
randomly the fascinating thing happens
that your subconscious detects the
hotter deck before your conscious mind
so they tell you when you know which one
of the decks is right then put all your
bets on that and so first it's even and
then slowly they start targeting one
more than the others and then they
finally go okay that one's the hot one
and so they they have them hooked up on
like brain scanners and stuff and they
realize they're getting their
subconscious is kicking off cues about
the hot deck before their conscious mind
realizes it that's intuition but they
had to train it first they had to try
all the different decks and then the
subconscious mind begins to pick up on
something
so what I'm saying is yes your
subconscious mind will begin to pick up
on things before your conscious mind but
if you didn't train it and train it well
you're you're stabbing in the dark so
I see where you're coming from
I
so okay one I say this are you familiar
with the Myers-Briggs yeah okay do you
know which one you are I do I'm intj I
ntj all right I'm infj now if I'm
correct the I stands for intuition
yep but now the question becomes uh so
acknowledging that some people are going
to be better they're going to take to
that so I'll take that to mean when I
get the signals I'm able to make good on
them so they don't bounce off me they
don't deflect so kind of like a woman
with that fourth photoreceptor can
really see the change in shade in her
baby's face she still has to see the
change in shade so what I'm saying is as
an infant had you been able like line up
a group of people and give me you know
something to suck on and say pick the
good person or the kind person or
whatever
it would be chance so I I think the way
that I'm looking at it and of course you
know I could be wrong but this is my
perception I think that you it's almost
like you know how some guys their
genetics allow them to build a physique
that the next guy just can't build yeah
all right now it still requires that
they hit the gym and lift weights to see
the potential of that physique I agree
with you but they've always Contin you
know had that so I would argue that
you've always had this intuitive muscle
that maybe yes through practice you've
now gotten so in tune with it because
you know what what struck me is when you
said you know you you lean in the
feminine like a woman I see the same
thing like a woman step one I never said
like a woman I said I have a leaning
female feminine temperament yes okay
I misspoke
but I say the same type of thing and
that's why and I and I believe I have
intuition but I think again I think is
something that you already had but it
does have to there is a level of
training involved in seeing the
potential of it you know for sure
going back to his whether we need to
have kids or not is uh very fascinating
you said we don't need to have kids but
it can probably play out well so I'm
running the strategy of not having kids
but I I recognize how dangerous this is
and I the only reason I feel confident
in doing it is because I'm a high level
Communicator Lisa is a high level
Communicator we understand biology like
there's a lot of things that we know how
to basically create a life that doesn't
require that but I think most people
probably should
yeah and they probably should because of
fulfillment agree that it it is Nature's
way of saying okay do this thing and
you're gonna get fulfillment I mean it's
just
not everybody's gonna go ahead so let me
counter with that so interestingly if I
just had this talk with a friend where
we were discussing the fact that we
wonder if sometimes those of us who are
highly successful highly ambitious if if
nature God however you want to frame it
wants us to be having kids because we
would be passing down the genes or the
mindset that Society needs more of so to
speak now again this is to say that you
have to do it or I have to do it not to
bear that out I have a really bad
feeling that dumb people have more kids
no I believe because the more you
educated women the less children she has
yes I believe they have more kids we
were discussing that maybe we should be
looking at the fact that we should be
having them because I don't have kids
myself
um it was just it was just a theory of
maybe
um we are best designed to have them due
to our successes but yes I think that
sometimes when you are successful when
you are ambitious kids become a little
more less of a priority already in your
life to have you know and for a lot of
guys who are highly ambitious and
successful I think many of them have
kids because of either the woman that
they get with wants kids or they have an
idea of they want to pass down Legacy
and things like that and I was just
speaking to somebody the other day like
to me I'm not really into the whole
Legacy thing because I'm like once I'm
gone I'm gone you know it's like what
what are we going to do and for all you
know and I said if you pay attention the
the people the men who have achieved
amazing great things is extremely rare
to have their child achieved as great or
greater things and so it's almost like
what Legacy are they really passing on
they're just holding up your legacy at
best but they're not continuing in and
then progressing it so to me it's just
like ah I don't know I don't think it's
a big deal but what I just remember the
other angle that we had touched on that
we didn't finish was men saying marriage
isn't fair or don't trust marriage
things like that and so what's funny is
how you said you know you were fortunate
that when you got married you were broke
so you didn't have to worry about losing
anything the crazy thing is the majority
of these men who are saying don't get
married are broke too and they're
they're fearful of losing money they
don't even have yet right not realizing
that marriage is a great wealth building
tool if you use it correctly so there's
just a lot of misconceptions I also
think to your point the issue is one
poor selection process I'm always saying
that men tend to be horrible selectors
of wise a lot of men have overlooked
some really clear red flat like I cannot
tell you how many times I've had many of
my DMs and the the message would be like
I have this woman and you know she
doesn't respond expect me and she does
this to me and she does that but man I
don't want to lose her I'm like what
like you so it's clear as day she's not
best for you but you're asking me how
you can hold on to this that's weird and
then you'll end up being the man who
marries her and then when it falls apart
it's marriage this women that no you
chose the wrong person the other side
too that I think men need to be more
mindful of is I agree that there are
certain places that the marriage laws
are not favorable to men that's just the
reality I think though that men are not
educating themselves one on the marriage
laws in their specific state so they
know what they're up against if they do
get married and two I think more people
should consider prenups if that's their
concern I think the problem with the
prenup discussion is that people have
not educated themselves on what that
actually means and why it would be
beneficial for both sides women when
they hear prenup they hear a man trying
to hide his money from me right and what
what I want both sides to realize is
listen when you get married you are
signing a marriage contract whether you
like it or not you're either going to
sign the state's contract are you going
to create your own contract why not
create your own with your own parameters
guys love you for that time and and my
thing is the best time to discuss and
hammer out a favorable contract to both
sides is before you get married when
you're still in love with each other and
happy because by the time if it ever God
forbid reaches divorce and y'all don't
like each other at this point people
people make divorce difficult because
they're bitter because there's
resentment because they feel like they
were betrayed they're holding on to hurt
so you want to address these things
before those negative emotions come into
play so to me if you have that
discussion with a woman and you also go
into it with the mindset of I'm not
trying to screw you over right if you
know it's one thing if you're coming in
with assets you want to protect that's
fine but we should be reasonable enough
as men that if we build a kingdom with
this woman she is entitled to a portion
of of it we can argue whether that's 50
40 whatever but you shouldn't be like oh
well she should get nothing because I I
did the main work no because to your
point though she may not be the one
doing the work she has given you the
inspiration she's giving you the
flexibility she's provided certain
Comforts and benefits that has freed you
up in a way that you can pursue these
things and Achieve these things also if
you married someone that doesn't make
you a better version of yourself you're
a [ __ ] there you go like when I think
about So Lisa and I we were broke and we
got together so it's easy but there I
don't think this is controversial in my
marriage Lisa would never become an
entrepreneur if it wasn't for me um
I know through her actions that she
believes that I carried more weight than
she did
but when we founded impact Theory and
the attorney said one of you needs to
own 51 percent the other Nissan 49 it
doesn't matter who but you guys don't
create the ultimate divorce Nightmare
and I said no create the ultimate
divorce nightmare I need her to know in
Her Bones that she is my equal in every
way that she has carried equal weight
this whole time she's whether I'm the
right one to lead in the business is
irrelevant without her I would not have
become who I've become we wouldn't have
built what we've built together she just
truly truly my equal and
I can do that one because I chose well
and my wife is high integrity
two because I know that we can navigate
each other and that it isn't going to
end in divorce and three
I wouldn't be an honorable man in my
opinion if I were trying to in any way
shape or form
um
use legalities to ice out the woman who
built this with me yeah and but now let
me be very clear God forbid something
happens to my wife I got remarried I'd
prenup because you're coming along it's
already done exactly like we're not it's
not something we're building together
and I would be honorable in that as well
I would not try to you know take
advantage of her in that moment but
um but that's me like people need to be
really thoughtful about how do you want
her to feel I wanted Lisa to know I've
told her my entire relationship with her
you're more important to me than the
business
and then when I have a chance to get 51
what message does it send if I'm like
yeah give me 51 like I would have given
her 51 sure go for it I don't care like
but that really does come down to
confidence and my own abilities to be
the right person to lead
um that we will stay emotionally
connected and in love that this won't
Harden into bitterness and all that
it's a tricky ball game but it's it's
utterly fascinating yeah and I think
there's also the aspect of you know
what's funny is you again you get a lot
more pushback from men who have not
achieved and succeeded yet or not
wealthy about the whole money know how
to manage their relationship and and
don't know how to manage their money
either yeah and and so the point I was
gonna to add to that was I so I've
talked to some men who are married who
are successful and they tend to have the
mindset of like you know what she can
take what she needs to take because
there's confidence in themselves that
they can rebuild this if they have to
they're not going to be left out
stranded this is not going to destroy
them I think a lot of these men view it
as like if I give this up and it's over
for me and what am I gonna do and
there's this fear because they have not
built themselves up to a point where
they feel like they can withstand a
situation like that so it's just
interesting that I've noticed that in
all the successful ambitious men they
just it's not a problem for them to give
that woman whatever she needs to make
sure she's good she's taken care of and
you move on if we came to that you know
yeah it's tough so trying to mind read
the people that will respond poorly to
this
there really are some people that
they're not good at that and so it
becomes a game of so if you think about
um masculinity as a spectrum there are
far more autistic men than autistic
women guys are more interested in things
than people
I see how men are ill-equipped to
navigate this that they can be
emotionally
confused by the woman who sees things
that they don't can read the situation
read their own emotions understand their
you know foibles and insecurities better
than they do and this goes back to my
initial point which is when the
relationship is established as
adversarial from the beginning then
you're going to get really dark outcomes
yes and
if there were one thing that I could
just you know sprinkle snap my fingers
and change it would be that people come
into it really trying to be partners
wanting to be honorable so one of one of
the most meaningful things in my life is
I'm the same person in divorce that I am
in marriage so obviously I've never
broken up with my wife but I've been in
business long enough that things come
together Things Fall Apart and in those
moments I have been me all the way
through
and that's something you do for yourself
because in the moment it's probably less
advantageous you will get less out of
the deal if you're
um trying to stay true to the values
that you came into the relationship with
when the other person's not playing like
that they're trying to be aggressive and
playing to win and all that
um but by doing that you get to be uh
the per in my case the person I want to
be right so if people could come into
relationships like that if when you see
a vulnerability in your partner if
you're trying to help them Shore that up
help Elevate them they have to do the
work and nobody wants the guy that wall
is in it for 30 days and all that but I
think that would be a game changer no
absolutely I mean at the end of the day
both men and women have to stop looking
at each other like the enemy and have to
stop projecting their specific bad
experiences onto everyone else because
that's really what's happening a lot of
these men who are struggling with women
because again they've holding on to that
last rejection they're holding on to
that last heartbreak and again they're
also letting the internet confuse them
with all the things that they're hearing
being said because I always make the
point that I believe in the comments
section on the internet miserable people
are the loudest all right happy people
don't have time to be sitting in all the
comments sections constantly saying this
that the other and so people gain this
very negative perception based off of
how people engage on the internet and it
contaminates their their thinking on how
they view the opposite sex how they view
relationships like I I'm a Believer and
there's a right person and at the very
least if you don't believe in it as a
one there is a person that fits you and
even everybody does multiple people you
still need the right fit for it to work
I think too many people just see
something that they like see a couple
things that they feel are you know what
they desire and they think okay I'm
gonna make it work with this person it
doesn't really work like that some have
gotten lucky to where that person ended
up being the person they're in alignment
with but if there's no alignment there
you're gonna have a lot of conflict that
most people cannot handle and properly
process through and so healing learning
how to communicate all these things are
important if we want to have healthier
and happier relationships
let me ask you will you be sad if you
never get married
that's a damn good question
um
I I wouldn't and only because
you know I'm a Believer and my favorite
God of Faith yeah a man of faith and so
for me it's like if something doesn't
happen I talk it up to that you know
what this was the purpose that I had
here on on this world and this is what
God wanted so so be it like I don't I
don't let things I don't let like so
there's a level of disappointment in the
sense that yeah I would want it right
but I've learned not to dwell in
disappointment or let what I think I
want consume me to the point that now
I'm gonna let this drag me to a negative
place because I understand that what I
want isn't always what's best you know
there's been plenty of times I swore I
was ready for marriage okay and now
looking back I'm like thank God it did
not happen yet because of that person
because of things I still needed to
learn still things I needed to cultivate
things that I needed to not perfect but
just improve upon you know one of the
things I'll give you an example that I
think is important for the men to hear
is I have this thing that I call
learning how to love and you're
masculine
and so I think a lot of men when they
fall in love with a woman we slide into
our feminine and to a point where we
sometimes become overly needy very
emotional clingy and secure all these
things and we also operate out of this
scarcity mindset like I'm never gonna
find anything like this again and not to
say that that woman is replaceable so to
speak it's just to understand it if if
it can't work with her then it's someone
else it can work with Okay but because
we slide into that we we end up becoming
less attractive to that woman because it
was that masculine energy that Drew her
in and now we're being all feminine and
it's like what's going on here or at the
very least we're not being masculine so
how do you love in the masculine so
loving in the masculine starts with
removing the fear of losing this woman
there has to be an acceptance of okay
yes I'm here to pour into her and build
something amazing with her but if she
walks away from me for whatever reason I
will be okay
I will be fine I I don't have to just
live in this constant fear because again
it's the fear that drives us to doing
stupid stuff you know when people say
well love makes you stupid it's not love
it's fear the problem is this is my
personal Theory it's that whole balance
of life where you know like in the
movies the minute a superhero comes
about a villain it has to come behind
that's just the way life is good and
evil has to have a balance so once love
arises
fear will try to counter it it is the
normal thing that happens in people's
lives and so if you are not healed
enough you can't fight off the fear all
right and again most people aren't
healed enough so the fear consumes them
and it causes them to act in all kinds
of Stupid Ways or silly ways that only
causes more problems so to loving your
masculine it starts with not being
fearful anymore it also starts with
understanding that whole being
vulnerable versus being emotionally
unstable so the example I'll give is
it's one thing to go to a woman and say
oh my gosh I love you so much please
don't leave me I can't live my life
without you versus listen I love you you
are special to me you mean the world to
me and I'm here to make this work
we communicated the same thing but one
comes off very weak very fragile and
it's unattractive the other comes off
strong but still expressive the woman's
still going to feel very loved so that's
loving in your masculine where you can
stand strong when you can have composure
when you can have confidence and express
yourself clearly to that woman I think a
lot of men fall into this you know a lot
of us are sold this fairytale of when
you love this woman you put on a
pedestal and you treat it like a queen
which you do do those things but it goes
to the point where men lose themselves
and they lose sight of again the things
that Drew her in the other key to Loving
in your masculine is you must remain in
your purpose so even you mentioned it
you said there's one thing you will not
give up and that's your ambition that's
who you are that's your purpose that's
what makes you you and the reality is
that's what she loves about you like if
you touch that away you would not look
the same to her so a lot of men they
find this woman and they release their
ambition they release their purpose and
they focus solely on her thinking that
this will win her over that's pushing
her away
because again how can she feel safer
from man who walks away from his purpose
how can she feel like you're gonna make
wise decisions how what what masculine
errors you're going to exude if you're
not walking in the confidence of your
purpose and the focus of your purpose
so to me those are like the three
pillars of loving in your masculine and
if men learn how to do that they would
see so much more success because you
have a lot of men who say well these men
don't want a good guy that's not true
they do want a good man the problem is
when we are good we become good but
we're really being soft
we're being overly emotional we're being
all these things that now are a burden
to her
if we just learned that no no no no you
can still be a good masculine man she'll
love it she was not going to want to
walk away from that and it just a lot of
men haven't they don't understand that
concept it's not their fault people have
not taught that but it's something that
I think if we learned it and mastered it
so many more men will start winning in
their relationships I love it where can
people follow you uh you can find me go
to ask
stefanspeaks.com and from there they can
get everything else I love it all right
guys if you haven't already be sure to
subscribe and until next time my friends
be legendary take care peace
if you want to learn how to seduce or
influence anyone be sure to check out
this episode with Vanessa van Edwards we
find lower lid flexes super attractive
and I don't mean like physically
attractive I mean we want people who
want to deeply listen to us