Kind: captions
Language: en
so in 2021
26 of all adult Americans did not have
sex even once in the entire calendar
year what are we getting wrong about sex
I think that what we're getting wrong
we're talking about the sex recession
that's happening yeah yeah I like that I
have not heard people use those words
before there is a sex recession and I
think what we're getting wrong about sex
is that we don't really understand how
to prioritize it why it's important
there's a lot of things that's keeping
us from having sex stress anxiety worry
about the economy worry about a global
pandemic I think there's a lot of things
that are replacing our
um desire for connection and intimacy
and I think these studies that are
showing this 26 aren't having sex is
they're also focusing a lot on young
people too I think so just more
terrifying in my estimation do you feel
differently I think it's all terrifying
when you think about mental health that
we're not having intimacy and sex I I
Define sex differently like I think of
sex sometimes just as intimacy and
connection and I think that that's what
we're really missing like this whole
loneliness epidemic but yeah I think
it's really I think anytime you hear
something like this with young people
our future concerns me for like
procreation it concerns me for the
mental health and wellness of people
that will be running this country and
this world because I think that sex is
an important part of our well-being so
yeah it's concerning obviously I'm
taking a more uh heterosexual approach
here but talk to me about
that decline the difference in males and
females I I have a hypothesis that
that's going to be a big part of this
and one of the things you talked about
in your book is polarity and the
difference between men and women or the
difference between partners because I
think you carry it on Far deeper than
just men and women but I feel like
there's something going on there so when
I think about like the boss [ __ ]
phenomenon So Lisa went through her own
transformation going from a stay-at-home
wife like very traditional and then
stepping into being an entrepreneur
stepping into that sort of Boss [ __ ]
role
and that was hard to navigate and so
when I think about all the cultural wins
that are celebrating
that which one could very easily read is
the masculinization of women and dare I
say that I see trends that I would call
the feminization of men could that be
playing some of this role in the sex
recession it might be I mean there are
some people say we're going more toward
an androgynous culture right now like
that we're going away from the the
matriarchy to the patriarchy to more of
a an androgative
I'm saying well there wasn't really I
mean when we talk about matriarchal
societies but there wasn't really women
who were the goddesses as we heard yeah
so the idea that polarity becomes an
important part of connection which you
talk about in your book that you need
difference it's a requirement and that
when you have that difference then you
get the attraction but if we are
masculinizing women and feminizing men
you're eliminating a lot of that
potential polarity
and my instinct anyway is that that is a
big part of it not that it's good or bad
just that it is going to have a very
predictable outcome as we have to
re-figure out what is that attraction
what is the drive what's my role so in
fact I'll I'll give a quote I think this
quote is really brilliant and is I'm
very interested to hear what you think
about this so Oscar Wilde said
everything is about sex except sex sex
is about power now when you
polish the edges off of that Dynamic
that power play
I worry that you diminish the polarity
and you make sex a far more confusing
thing of who's leading who's following
who initiates
etc etc okay so sex is about power and
so what we're talking about is sexual
polarity in the bedroom so what happens
outside the bedroom women are becoming
more masculine and men are becoming more
feminine so in some ways I think it's
great for people to be more in touch
with their feminine and their masculine
so let's just I think we should maybe
just first break down what that is
because I can tell you that and then we
can talk about sexual polarity and where
the masculine feminine matters but when
we talk about the masculine I want to
remind everybody that we all have
masculine and feminine energy inside of
us I have it you have it I think right
now I'm probably I'm in my masculine I'm
talking to you I'm talking business I'm
directed I'm purposeful I'm driven I
have a mission I'm talking to you right
and The Feminine is more ethereal it's
creative it's nurturing it it's you know
sensual sensuality and so in its feeling
and it's emotional so throughout the day
you know we all sort of go in and out of
it I'm going to assume that sometimes
you find yourself you have emotions and
femininity and you you even talk about
it on your show you showed those my
journey has been learning how to
masculinize myself there's no doubt
about that yeah okay so so I think that
we all go in different places and they
play a role in it I mean a role in our
development and I think that the more
that we talk about it it's so important
to recognize and it's not good or bad
and The Feminine isn't just inherently
weak and the masculine is inherently
like just strong and I think it's okay I
think the healthiest people know how to
lean into both to either side when they
need to and when they want to and I
think that a lot of what we see with if
you talk about like toxic masculinity if
you go back to that I think that that's
like the repression of a lot of the
sadness that men feel and a lot of the
inability like men told to Buck up and
don't don't show emotions when they're
young and I think a lot of that can get
can sort of become this way of not
knowing how to express emotions and I
think through the feminine men learn to
feel and to be sad and to be to feel a
lot of things which hasn't been okay
growing up for many it wasn't okay to
express their emotions so I think that
when we're talking about the feminine
exp that it's that it's I guess it's
giving all Sexes the permission to feel
everything is a masculine and The
Feminine okay so but when we talk about
polarity sexual polarity and we talk
about the sex recession and how that
relates we can just kind of go into that
for a minute for any kind of attraction
to happen somebody has to be leading and
somebody has to be following so think
about like a magnet right the polarity
like if you have the positive and the
negative you have two opposite sides of
a magnet right there are two two similar
sides of the magnet there's no they
can't right they're going to repel and
that's what happens when you have to a
couple who's but they're both in their
feminine or though that are masculine
now I'm also talking about same sex
couples here right if you have to give
gay men lesbian ends you need the mask
and thumb to create that attraction in
the bedroom you need those the Opposites
and so I think an understanding of how
that runs Sexual Energy is in power is
what is so important because I think
what happens is when I'm like in my boss
[ __ ] get it all done whatever and then
my partner comes home and he's in that
work there's no one's going to and you
know if we're both initiating the sex
it's going to happen if we're both
waiting for we're both in our feminine
waiting sex isn't going to happen there
either so you need to understand how to
tap in to your masculine how to tap into
your feminine when you want to create
sexual attraction and I think that the
understanding of that is what's really
missing so there's been a lot of
messaging and culture where you know I
think that men got kind of afraid from a
lot of things about being sexual or
making being attraction or hitting on
women and I think there was a lot that
was happening with me too and Harvey
Weinstein where perhaps there was a
culture that sort of a lot of men were
like fearful like I don't know the right
thing to do and I don't know how to to
lean into how to ask a person out or in
a heterosexual relationship how to ask
women I'm just I'm just going to shut
down or I'm going to not do anything
because there's fear that women were
like well okay I didn't want you to be
lecherous I didn't want any that but I
still want to feel like you're a man I
want I want to feel that I want to feel
you leading so I can follow in the
bedroom and create that attraction so I
think that's where we got really really
confused and maybe where we lost wait I
don't think that people really ever
really understand this to be honest but
I think that if we're talking about the
reasons why there hasn't been as much
sex happening is because we're not
understanding that you need to create
that Dynamic to create attraction and
arousal so that feels very intuitively
correct to me when all of the metoo
movement kicked off it was like word
like we need a lot of this there's a lot
of mayhem out there but at the same time
I can see how as you begin to polish all
the edges off of the dynamic that you
get to this point now where people are
very confused they don't know how to do
the approach when you have pornography
ready at your fingertips it becomes a
much safer way there's no rejection
there's no fear of something bad
happening to you you also have a
cultural message around guys just by
being aggressive you're being very toxic
and so as I was thankfully I mean is
this all kicked off I'm I'm already
married 15 years at this point you know
it's like none of that was really
affecting me but when I thought back to
where Elise and I were for people that
don't know our story I was her teacher
at a school for adults I want to be very
clear she was in her 20s uh but as her
teacher that was already sort of that
inherent power play
and when you think about sex as being
this
I mean to it is clearly I think we will
both agree it is an oversimplification
to say that sex is about power as
somebody who's in love with his wife and
has had an extraordinarily tender sex
and it can just it can be a whole other
thing but I think if you fail to
understand that it is also about power
that is certainly one of its gears that
there is a giving and receiving and
without understanding that dance there
can be some real awkwardness
um that's where I started looking at
that going this isn't going to end well
and this is going to end where you have
like Lisa to me really understands this
dance well which she says look I want to
be a boss I want to come in and do my
thing but I also want to be small in my
husband's arms right and so she is very
able to switch gears
and
I wonder do you get like when you talk
about it like that like yeah like go be
a boss [ __ ] but at the same time like
understand the power of the feminine
energy understand I'll say this is not
you these are my words the necessity
if you're certainly if you're with
somebody who's more masculine
if Lisa met me with masculine energy I'd
be turned off zero sex is going to
happen it's just not interesting to me I
want her to be very feminine in those
moments I want her to follow doesn't
mean I don't want her to initiate but I
want her to initiate in a feminine way
not an aggressive way right and do you
get pushback from the younger generation
is certainly my instinct around that
framing that it should even be set up
that way
[Music]
so I I think that we're still all
wrapping our heads around all this
because when we say that it's power and
I don't want to say because I think
people when they
when they were in sex they think like
maybe they think more of like a kink
play or BDSM or it's really aggressive
dominance but what I'm really just
talking about is like there has to for
anything to happen someone has to lead
someone has to to follow right so I
think that what we're getting is that
like I think the younger generation is
and it's funny because I was not even
talking to some people work with me
they're young and they're in their 20s
they're like I'm asking guys out and
we're going into the bar and I'm making
the moves and I'm I'm initiating it's
very very empowering for them and I
think a lot of the guys are saying what
they're saying to me is I get such a
relief that women are asking me out and
that we're we're that that I don't have
to make that move because a lot of it
there's I think there's also been a lot
of fear around or there's been a lot of
um
you know everything is a muscle right
like learning to ask so it's a habit so
if you were home during the pandemic and
you were staring at your screen and you
were you don't you're like kind of
losing the ability to go out and like
maybe face rejection or to to initiate
to approach someone so anyway I think
that there's a certain relief like it's
so nuanced so there's certain relief
that women are making the move they're
asking me out I love that I love I love
that freedom or I love it that's
happening and yet if the women are
continuing to do that but then in the
bed like but then they're still waiting
for the the guide to make the move
because that's where the the masculine
comes in it might be a little bit
confusing I think that they're still
trying to find their way I don't think
I'm getting pushback but I think even
using gender here is what's going to be
confusing to people but I can ask
someone out I can even pay for the bill
I can lead I can drive I can make the
plans but ultimately sex isn't just
about that act of sex in the bedroom
like we think it's about procreation
like right like penis goes into vagina
but if I'm asking somebody out and I'm
paying for the bill and I'm leading and
all that it's going to be really hard to
get in the bedroom be like okay now I'm
passive and now you lead so it's very
very nuanced to find where in the
relationship one person is leading and
one person is following so I guess the
best way I can explain it is to give you
like a personal example because I think
otherwise this gets really can get very
lost and I think I'm just going to be
real here with it so I run a business
I'm busy every day I manage people I'm
talking about sex although funny enough
like I'm not sitting around having sex
and being in my feminine all day like I
said I'm running a business however I'm
stressed I've got a lot of I got a lot
of responsibilities and you know my
partner too he runs a business and he's
busy but I know that for us our intimacy
and our connection is so important you
know sex is part of our mental health or
overall wellness it's really important
to have sex I think that side note a lot
of couples are concerned because their
sex life goes away takes a nose eye if
they wonder why they're no longer
connected and I think it's because they
don't understand this polarity so what
happens is when I know that for example
I want to be like it's been days you
know I've been in distress mode my
partner I've been connected I have to
make a conscious effort to say okay
I'm going to get into my feminine and
I'm going to start to move my feminine
energy and cultivate it so I can feel
connected to my partner because when I
am more in my feminine then he is able
to be more in his masculine and that's
where our attraction starts to to build
and to circulate because it's all sex is
all energy right and it all originates
like in our you know in our brains but
also when you think physically a way to
think about it is in our pelvic floor
like anytime you have a Ting or you know
even if you're like watching porn or
your brows are trying it's all happening
in our pelvic floor which is our power
source which is where the Energy starts
to flow for example so if I've been in
my if I've been in my masculine all week
or all day I'll do some practices that
allow to circulate this so I will
turn off my phone
I will step aside from work I'll slap my
shut my computer and I will go into my
bathroom and I've made that more of like
a Sacred Space for me and I will take a
bath or a steam shower and I will get
myself and I'll start to breathe so I
will
you know no one's coming in the room I
don't want to see my partner and I just
sort of light some candles now this is
the feminine okay so I don't want any
like eye rolling like of course like
candles and flowers but that is the
feminine that is the nature that is
grounding that is the source I need to
get back to that place I need to feel
that space I need to tap into that space
for me to start to feel more grounded in
my feminine so I will do some breath
work practices it's like I'll get in the
shot like I'm exhausted I've had my day
just like everyone else I'm exhausted
the calls the zoom meetings like oh my
God if I have to see one more person on
Zoom all the things the bills and then I
get in the show I turn off I play some
music and I will start to breathe so
sometimes I just can barely sometimes I
don't want to do it either Tom sometimes
I don't want to do that you don't want
to get into your feminine
about anything I don't want to think
about anything I don't want to have sex
anymore like I don't want to do it I
don't I'm exhausted I'm tired but I know
that for me to stay connected and once I
do I'm really happy like I'm thrilled
that I do and I feel better but I'm
saying this for the people and the
people listening who sometimes and this
happens to men too where they just don't
feel like they want to have sex they
just feel like because we're so in our
heads and what's keeping us from feeling
sexual and true authentic connection why
we're in a sex recession it's because we
forget to be in touch with our Sexual
Energy okay so I get in there and I'm
like okay I'm gonna do some breath work
some really deep breath work where it's
just like I'm breathing you know my
inhales are my exhales are longer than
my inhales right and I'm breathing in so
I'm starting to move my energy right and
maybe I'm making some noise and some
sounds and I'm sitting and I'm
meditating and breathing I'm in the sh
I'm feeling the hot water
and when I start to do this what I'm
doing is this is just the first thing
that anchors being and it doesn't have
to be that long of a practice sometimes
it's longer sometimes it's shorter but
when I'm breathing and I take a deep
breath in when I get to the top of my
breath maybe it's five or six counts I
do a Kegel exercise I do a pelvic floor
like clench okay and so that's just the
p-stopping muscles when you stop and
start the flow of urine that's a Kegel
and I want to remind you that men can do
that as well and men should do that as
well because men are often disconnected
from this they're in their heads or
thinking about porn they're thinking
about other things but how you stay
connected to your sexual energy is by
this tenting so I'll do like a a Kegel a
pelvic floor clench and release it's
almost like I'm pumping I'm pumping I'm
stimulating my my energy and then I'll
start to move right and I'll start to
move back and forth and I'll do some
kind of like body sways or going in the
in the like a circular motion where I'm
telling you if I start to do this right
now I could probably do this in this
room I can start to circulate my family
energy where I've done this before in
restaurants and bars where I've been
studying this like where you can feel
women starting to get in touch with
their energy I would just start to
breathe I start to kind of circulate in
a in a in a clockwise then
counterclockwise motion moving my pelvic
floor and breathing and cleansing are
you thinking about anything at this
point I'm not I'm not even really
thinking I'm just breathing and this is
connecting you to feminine energy
specifically specifically to the
feminine
and and I'm I'm I'm moving I'm breathing
I am I'm doing the things that make me
feel the most connected to myself
and I'm Letting Go from the day I'm
Letting Go from worry and I'm into the
it's nurturing it's creative and so this
is one way that I do it
and I got out of the shower and I'll put
some lotion on and I'll slow down the
masculine is fast purposeful directed
remember the feminist creative and
nurturing and softer maybe I'll lay down
on my bed I'll just kind of maybe I'll
go outside for a walk too like nature is
grounding like nature is also part of
the feminine it also helps the masculine
but all of these factors are the things
that allow us to get more connected to
the source so I'll do these things and
immediately like you know I will feel
like I'll get dressed or I'll like
change things I'll change the music I'll
have the sense going on so again your
senses are also are a big part of this
it's like what am I smelling what am I
hearing what am I tasting and I use
everything around me to kind of envelop
to get me more into my family and I sort
of start to circulate that energy become
more in touch with it I can do this in
five minutes I could do this in three
hours but either way I'm just sort of
more connected to it and then my partner
will come over or come in and I'm much
more softer I'm breathing I'm not
meeting him with like did you did you
pay this bill did you call thing what's
going on how was your day I'm not coming
at him with a to-do list I'm not coming
at it with everything that we need to do
I allow him to lead what are we doing
tonight where are we going have you made
the plan like I'm not being purposeful
and directed we've already agreed to
this that I need him to make the plans
like this night now there's some nights
where I might make the plans but on the
nights where we want to have like our
date night and this is something that I
like I highlight I know that you and
Lisa do this I believe you do when I've
talked to you that you have a purposeful
night that you say like this is our
night or this is our weekends where we
shut off our phones and it's about us
and I'm telling you Tom that if more
couples did that rather than living in
this amorphous masculine I'm in the mask
and you're in the feminine or I'm I'm in
my map I'm the wife for example and
again this is gendered but this is the
best way to do it where I'm telling you
what to do and I'm giving you all the
errands of taking care of the kids and
the house and things and I'm I'm the one
in charge like there's no room for both
of the entities to flow so I've had to
learn to let go of control in ways so I
let my partner like I need you to pick
the place we're going I need you to
decide what we're doing because that is
the masculine so when I'm in my body
embodied
and I'm breathing and I'm grounded that
allow him to be purposeful and Mission
driven he decides what we're doing where
we're going he is leading I am following
we've started to line up our energy and
circulate that so we're in a more
connected
erotic place are you familiar with the
idea of hypergamy
I think so oh God this is so interesting
so as you were describing all that I'm
literally shocked to my core that you
don't get pushback from younger people
which is amazing I'm very grateful so
let me just have a misread
um but what resonates with me there is
so hypergamy just to Define that quickly
is the female tendency to date across
socially or up women do not date down so
they want a guy that makes more money
than them they want a guy that they
perceive as smarter than them they're
always trying to go across or up so at
least that's smart at least as much
money or more and they're perfectly fine
with that you don't guys don't do that
so guys could not care less uh how
little money you make in fact you
probably make them feel awesome if they
make more money than you
um but because women date across and up
as women go more into the workforce as
women realize hey we're just as smart as
the guys we're just as capable You're
Now setting the bar higher and higher
making it harder for men to lead because
you never want to say to somebody slow
down so I can lead right so the guy then
needs to outperform but I think this is
part of what's creating this problem is
that one it's just taboo at least from
where I'm sitting in the social media
circles that I run in it would be very
taboo to say women you want to find a
guy that can lead
that like if I sent that tweet out right
now I would get just mauled I'm talking
about sexually I'm talking about
creating that energy for for the dynamic
and I'm telling you this is happening in
same-sex relationships too so I I mean
honestly like I I see what you're saying
women dating up so biologically speaking
that's what we're attracted to we want a
caregiver we want all that but I think
some of that's changing like I I do too
and I think that's why 26 percent of
people have sex I don't know like I I
say this but like I probably shouldn't
say this but I I do
I'm not looking for those things in a
partner like I'm not looking for them
I'm not looking for the money and I'm
not looking for someone who makes more
than me and I never have I've never been
that person but I've been looking for
somebody and I don't and I don't know
how to explain that that's like
upbringing Society I was raised my
mother said never rely on a man to take
care of you so I've always been about
like making my own living and doing my
own thing and leading however I've also
made sex the study of sexuality my
business because my greatest fear was
getting to a relationship when I was
younger I would date people and then the
Sexual Energy would Wane after a while
we would no longer in the honeymoon
phase where it was exciting I was like
what is the secret to keeping it still
hot like what do you do because that
just seems really awful to be with
someone for the rest of your life and
you no longer want to have sex with them
anymore and what I'm talking about is
the sexual polarity which I think is the
key to it so I don't I don't want my
partner to lead all of the time in fact
I think I'm way smarter at so many
things than he is like I think with
business and better I think I'm better
at marketing I think I have a lot of
ideas that I'm like really you know I
lean into doing it he's got them in some
ways I'm I am leading a lot of things
but when it comes to attraction and date
night and intimacy and connection and
and and touch and all the things that
are really really important for me I
know that I'm more of submissive and I
need somebody more dominant and so in
order for that Sexual Energy to happen
just enough whether it's once a week
once every 10 days whenever it is
hopefully more often than that because
the more you do it it becomes a habit I
am softening into what I need to be
sexually satisfied and fulfilled so
that's where I want him to lead like I
want him to maybe it's for that night
because we all you know it's for a few
hours so because that's the only way the
sex is going to happen you can reboot
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this Nuance is exactly what I think is
creating the issue and again I'm not
saying whether it's good or bad I'm
saying it has consequences and as so
even going back to hypergamy so
one obviously I'm talking averages no
one person is going to fit perfectly
into anything I'm also not passing
judgment on that I don't think it's
problematic for women to have a certain
set of things on average that they look
for
um and nobody wants to be in a
relationship with somebody that they
aren't equals so I want to be very clear
that the reason I think that we're
seeing a decline is that once societal
so I mean really a lot of this starts
with the pill right once women are no
longer they can deal with having a
period from a sanitary perspective and
they can have sex without getting
pregnant a lot of things begin to change
we see women flooding into the job
market absolutely crushing it because of
course women are incredibly intelligent
like anybody intelligence is evenly
distributed across men and women I mean
it's there's some weirdnesses but
whatever just as an average it's it is a
wise way to approach the world to assume
when you meet a man or a woman to just
assume they could be just as intelligent
as anybody else and so that isn't going
to be the problem where we run into a
problem is that there is this Nuance
between are you able to shift gears yes
or no are you able to understand that
I'm good at some things my partner is
good at others and that's good right in
the beginning of my relationship I
thought at least would only find me
sexually attractive if I was better than
her at everything and so that created
all this friction until I realized oh
wait who would want to be in a
relationship like that
but if you don't understand that when it
comes to sex the Dynamics is going to be
different So Lisa and I for instance I
have to go from she is my business
partner my equal partner that she is
very good at business and so it would be
very wise of me to know when to follow
her but that when it comes to sex that
there is a different Dynamic and my
whole thesis and admittedly I'm just
beginning to explore this but my whole
thesis is that this is really what's
beginning to break down that this has
opened up this incredible amount of
nuance where people have to really
understand that there is at at a
had a high level there is a tendency for
women to date across and up as they make
more money that narrows the pool and so
when you do these like Street surveys
where they ask women like okay what are
your non-negotiables my eyes got to be
six feet tall uh he's got to make at
least a hundred thousand dollars uh he
has to be somewhat in shape it it ends
up being I saw one recently and the list
was pretty basic it wasn't crazy and it
was what I just said plus like one or
two more things and it was like point
three five percent of men meet that
qualification and nobody would look at
the list and go that's that's absurd it
wasn't like oh they have to be worth a
million dollars what I mean it was
really like some pretty straightforward
stuff and that was still point three
five percent of men and so if you don't
go oh wow all of these things have
consequences and thusly I need to figure
out how to address those consequences
when I think about you or I think about
Lisa it's people that have figured out I
both want to times be assertive but then
at times understand that there's this
whole other gear
where from her perspective she finds it
compelling for me to lead is the easiest
answer not all the time of course not
she's a fully realized human being but
if people don't contend with these
things I think they will forever be
surprised that
there is a sex recession going on that
modern dating is disrupting something
something is going wrong to give you an
idea 46 of Japanese youth say that
sexual contact they they despise sexual
contact despise despise so I'm just
saying something is breaking down and
what I'm trying to walk through is what
is that and it is really like I know
even trying to be thoughtful and think
through this and again I'm not judging
any of this I just want to understand
what's going on how do we navigate it
well what are things that we want to
change about the setup like hey maybe
people should be more thoughtful about
how much time to spend on social media
hey maybe people should have open
conversations with their partner about
sexually do I want to lead or do I want
to follow and that when you start trying
to because I I think if I were gonna
boil this all down to one thing
I would say the big problem that people
are making is that they approach people
as if they are blank slates
and one thing you mentioned it already
you talk about it in your book I and I
think it's very smart sex is to
understand that the brain is the largest
sex organ and if you fail to understand
the brain if you fail to understand that
there are sex differences in the brain
if you fail to understand that hormones
which are driven by sex are meaning what
sex you are male or female that you are
going to be very confused and what I'm
always trying to get people to
understand is that the brain is a
prediction engine your brain is
constantly trying to predict and
this is going to get complex very fast
but so when you understand that your
brain is creating a simulation of the
real world so to give you an idea we see
point point
0032 of the visible spectrum of
um light what we call the visible
spectrum of light is only 0.0032 of
electro magnetic radiation so we're all
ready we just assume that what we see is
everything when in reality it's less
than half a percent
so your brain is reconstructing a
simulation to try to help you navigate
through the world
what people ought to be doing in my
estimation is going uh I predict that
the outcome of my behaviors will be this
and if it is that then you're close to
ground truth if it isn't that there's a
flaw in your model and you should be
trying to figure out what truth is my
whole hypothesis is that the sex
recession is a sign that our model's
broken there's something we don't
understand that no one predicted this
we're headed towards population collapse
like for real for real for real and so
when you have 46 of Japanese youth
saying they despise sexual contact when
you have 26 percent of American adults
adults this I'm not saying like 15 year
olds adults not having sex in the entire
calendar year and that was before the
pandemic so I have to imagine that
number has been hammered even lower so
there's something flawed in our model
and what I want to better understand and
the reason that I find this topic so
interesting I'm on the other side of it
I'm married I have a thriving sex life
I've managed to navigate the transition
from my wife being a housewife
all day feminine and then migrating into
something where it's now feminine is one
of the gears but she can also show up in
a business context hyper masculine and
having to navigate that so it's like
I've done everything I can to refine
refine refine my model to get to where
I'm like okay I can still predict the
outcome of my behaviors but as I look at
the Next Generation I'm legitimately
worried that we're not thinking through
the right problems and just to summarize
the problem I think is that they think
we're blank slates and they're not
recognizing the differences I'll say
between men and women I think that's the
most
foundational category to understand
because of its impacts on the brain
there's a lot there to impact Town value
because yeah I mean
the fact that
Japanese are saying that it's
just what is it disgusting despise
sexual contact they just buy sexual
contact and then and that we're not
having sex here in this country
just points to the fact that we
grossly misunderstand
what the purpose of sex why we have sex
why we get turned on why we get aroused
what like what is attractive to us what
why like why it matters we've been fed a
whole bunch of misinformation and we
have lack of sex education pretty much
everywhere in the world except for in
the Dutch countries that is the only
place where sex education I think makes
sense because we talk about pleasure
and we just so so give me a rundown what
do they do okay so here so here's what
happens well okay we can go there
so in America
and in most countries when we talk about
sex it is mostly fear-based
and
there's a lot of judgment there's a lot
of fear a lot of danger you're going to
get pregnant you're going to get an STI
you're going to be a [ __ ] you're going
to this terrible thing is going to
happen if you sleep with too many people
no one's going to want to marry you like
there's all this negative messaging
the only place where they don't talk
about it is if you go to the Dutch
countries they will talk about you're
going to get pregnant be careful STIs
all the things but they also talk about
pleasure and they talk about Joy they
talk about orgasm they talk about
arousal they talk about connection they
talk about intimacy they teach emotional
intelligence in schools and they say
like oh you talk about puberty in a real
way that's like this you're gonna start
to get these emotions and feelings for
somebody and here's what it means and
they talk about it and it's not like
it's once a year in gym class your gym
teacher's teaching you sex is what
happens in America right like you roll
out a picture like the ovaries and the
Fallopian tubes and like that's it they
literally start pre-verbal like when
there's a kid like they talk about it
like when there's like a toddler right
so let's say
in America if there's a baby right and
like my parents are cuckooing and
they're like okay well here's your toes
and your knees and your thighs and your
stomach and we're like we jump over the
genitalia it's this part that has no
name but if we're in the countries like
in the Netherlands in these countries
they'll say like this is your they name
the part so they'll say this is your
your knees and they'll say your thighs
and your penis your testicles they'll
say your vulva your vagina there is no
fear naming the parts is this like on
their version of Sesame Street like I'm
really trying to imagine that children
songs yeah this is it this is their
Sesame Street like but this is just like
there's no because there's no shame
there's no shame about it there's no
like that's private that's wrong that's
not something that you should ever
express to anybody touching your body
parts is wrong I mean there's just they
just really like it's open and then as
the kids get older they talk about
consent they tell and this is something
that people have tried to talk about in
America and people make fun of them but
like there are some places where like
you have to consent to somebody touching
you so they'll tell your kid if anyone
wants to touch your your penis or touch
your body like you get to decide like
it's a much more embodied culture where
they're understanding like where they're
giving consent to anyone touching them
or even like
dressing them or changing their diapers
or saying like I'm gonna now I'm going
to change your diaper I'm going to touch
you in this way and I know that people
are gonna be like that just sounds awful
but they are connecting their brain and
their body their mind and their body to
their sexuality and there's no shame
around it and so what happens if you go
to America in a lot of countries
probably in Japan
what we don't remember is when a kid is
like very young right you might be like
a toddler you might not even remember
this but some of our earliest messaging
around sex is like as a kid we might as
a toddler we might soothe ourselves by
putting our hands on our pants boys and
girls do this all the time but what
would happen is a parent's reaction
which you might not even remember might
be like don't do that that's dirty
that's wrong what are you doing and so
our very first message around touching
our genitals is that that is wrong that
is shameful that is dirty now what if we
grew up in a home that was very very
religious right we grew up in a place
that said like you know if sex is dirty
it's shameful it's wrong you can only
have sex for procreation
um you know and if you do if you don't
you're going to go to hell or if you
touch yourself you're going to grow hair
on your palms it wasn't that long ago
that we had to go messaging You're Gonna
Go Blind right and so if this is the
messaging that we got right and then all
of a sudden we're like told me you know
that last time we go off and have sex
it's like we're having it's like we're
given the keys to the car without having
driver's education we're saying like go
off and have sex but all we have told
you that it's shameful it's wrong it's
distasteful and you might go to hell for
having sex so this all this really mixed
messaging around sex which is more
common than you think and in places that
we don't even realize like it's very
Insidious right but even if you didn't
grow up in a religious home which I did
not I still had some shame around it I
still was like it's you know to be be
sexy but not too sexy be sensual you
know be be into it but not that into it
you know just there's just all these
mixed messages right so then you go off
and you have sex and there's not a lot
of information about how to do it right
how to do it correctly right but then
you have the Advent of porn now porn's
been around since the beginning of time
we have the cave drawings of people but
what I'm talking about is the porn in
your pocket like porn that's available
with a smartphone so that's been almost
like
when did the first bar maybe almost 20
18 years 19 years so now porn is
ubiquitous it's available everywhere
children are seeing porn at eight years
old now jeez they're like on Candy Crush
and then there's like boobs and they're
like Mommy what's this right and there's
like or they're not even telling their
parents and they're seeing pornography
at an early age without sex education
because let's remember what's happening
in America right now we are like Roe
reread we're rolling back rights but yet
there's also no sex education like only
17 states require sex ed to be medically
accurate right now if they teach it at
all so now we're saying like you can't
have sex yeah it doesn't have to be
medically accurate meaning that like
that's yeah there's sex that's not
accurate it's not medically accurate
it's not even factual
in 17 states only require it maybe it's
maybe that numbers change to maybe 20
something but for many years it was 17
States required to be medically accurate
we don't really care about sex education
in fact in most of the states in America
we don't really prioritize it we kind of
hope it doesn't really happen we think
if we teach sex ed that kids are just
going to go off and be sexual but going
back to the Dutch countries what we see
is when kids have accurate information
about the dangers around sex maybe and
some of the fears around it but we also
talk about pleasure and joy and
connection and intimacy which is all a
really important part about being alive
and being human like we need connection
and touch and intimacy like that is a
requirement for a healthy life
when we're told about that and how to do
it responsibly we have much better
outcomes than here where we're told
we're not really told anything so
there's this dangerous thing that's
happening which I think that maybe we
could
unpack here is that pornography
without sex education
this is one hypothesis is dangerous and
it's what we're seeing is maybe we won't
be procreating as much you won't be
having as much sex we'd rather just stay
home and maybe look at our screens
because at least I had an orgasm where I
had some pleasure and that felt pretty
good but there was less risk I didn't
have to be rejected by a human I didn't
have to go out there and embarrass
myself I'd have to try to do something
I'm not comfortable with but I still
felt pretty good and now I can go off
and like play video games or go see my
friend but I don't have to have that
risk so how do we begin to back out of
that then is it blocking porn is it uh
educating kids not to watch so much porn
is it teaching them not to death grip
like what do we do this group doesn't
help I think there's a lot of it I think
there's a lot we can do because again
I'm not bashing porn at all either
here's the thing porn has a purpose a
utility but porn is also let me just say
this
most of the porn that you see is created
by men four men under the male gaze like
this is what men want to see
and so like that when you search porn
and you look at porn like that's that's
what you're gonna see there is nowhere
in that equation that we're even taking
into consideration what women find sexy
or hot like women's eroticism well let's
talk about that what do you can what do
you consider
the porn that women consume without
um having to encourage it because I
would say they consume porn it's just
not the same kind of thing it's not the
same kind of thing so there is some more
they did women do conserve they do they
do and I'm not saying again we are not
speaking for every woman and every man
at all but there has been an emergence
of porn that we call now ethical porn
but do women really watch ethical porn
if they know about it they do and they
love it but it's not easy to find you
have to you know why it's not easy to
find
because women are making it and women
don't give a [ __ ] and it's never going
to make any money but there is a porn
industry for women that makes a lot of
money a lot
okay
erotica erotica
that to me goes back to your brain as a
prediction engine once you understand
that men are visually inclined they want
to watch visual pornography and so of
course the pornography is four men by
men and and look I get women saying like
oh man like I wouldn't want to be in any
of those sex acts respect I totally
understand that and when AI comes online
trust me real women won't be important
anymore but that is a conversation right
that is what guys want women to want
Fair
erotica is what women want men to want
which is you know 400 pages and uh you
know in the end they finally have sex
and he tears her you know exactly uh her
dress off of her but it it is very very
different and when I when the whole um
50 Shades of Gray phenomenon happened
I had no idea how intense that book was
and Lisa was reading it and all of her
girlfriends were reading I was like I
gotta read it like uh slice this I
picked it up and started reading I was
like oh my God like this is this is
pornography but for women and there's a
book called a billion Wicked thoughts
have you read it no I've yeah parts of
yes Emily read the whole thing oh my God
you're gonna love it it's so incredible
the way that it breaks down the
difference between male porn female porn
what they're interested in
mind-blowing yes so anyway so you're
saying four men by men Fair
but
women just have a whole different shtick
women are attracted to many more things
they're worse so we're also more open in
our desire in our browser women find a
lot of more things more attractive than
men too they do that women are more open
but I think it's also because women have
a permission to be sexual and so for
women they might show pictures of even
if I'm attracted to men I might find
women attractive men and attractive
where they had yeah this is Meredith men
have a thing over their penis to tell if
it's getting engorged and women have
something that measures vaginal
moistness yeah yeah they're clitoris
they're gorgemen and they're clitoris
and so and then for men it's like they
are attracted to what they State they
are attracted to so if a guy says I'm
straight you show them images of
straight sex he's about it that's it
show them images of gay sex not about it
a woman on the other hand because this
study is fascinating what happens the
women they're attracted to everything
they're more open they're more attracted
to different kinds of sexual acts
different kinds of people sometimes like
animals and things like things just turn
them on they they're they're sexual one
reason it could be is that that women
also haven't has as much permission to
be as sexual and to be to even Stoke
their desires and to even think about
what turns them on and what arouses them
because most of our sexuality has sort
of been
co-opted by by what men think is hot and
what men think is sexy so I think
there's a certain biological
just in pornography well I think there's
everywhere like I think that women are
told that they are that our sexuality
has been more policed so the from a
societal narrative we've been more
police we've been more told that it's
not okay to express desires that we have
to be more passive we have to be more
receptive and that what we find no one
really ever asked what we found hot are
attractive or sexual because for so many
years we would be persecuted for being
sexual we would be we would see we're
we're [ __ ] shamed we are you know I mean
this is not that long ago that like
women I mean really really when marriage
at women of the property of men or like
I know like in the 70s like my mom
couldn't get a credit card and before
the birth control pill really we didn't
have a lot of options we really weren't
looking at we weren't free to say what
does feel good to me what is my turn on
what might I find hot so we're a little
bit more open a little bit more liberal
we can talk about hormones and biology
but then there's also this cultural
narrative cultural structures as well
and it's all sort of this Melting Pot of
Attraction arousal sexuality that we're
still trying to unpack I think to really
understand like what is at the core of
desire and attraction so interesting I
want to go back to that study so I
forgot about that study I read it a
while ago and what absolutely had my
brain melted I remember going to Lisa
and being like Oh my this is crazy so I
have no idea what the stats are I only
have like uh the the sort of subculture
Whispers but
when I was a kid in the 80s it was like
the joke was oh women all women
experiment with same-sex when they're in
college
but you start reading these studies and
you go maybe like obviously not all
women experiment with women in college
obviously but
that becomes the mythology for a reason
so going back to that study and women's
I'm not even sure how to categorize it
but the fact that they are sexually
responsive to a broader array of things
than men is very interesting and I had a
an evolutionary biologist on the show
one time and my parting question to him
was why on God's green earth is the
clitoris on the outside
because Emily
until you understand that women
from an evolutionary perspective
may have used sex as a way to bond for
non-procreative reasons
it doesn't make any sense and then you
hear that and you're like hold the phone
so bonobos
if two women get in a scuffle
to apologize to the other one she'll
walk up and start rubbing her clitoris
which is
crazy
from a human like everyday perspective
seems insane but it was the first time
where I was like oh my God is that why
the clitoris on the outside because
if you think that Evolution will end up
on the thing that is most likely to
ensure that you have kids that have kids
you're like hold on so you're telling me
that penile thrusting which by your own
admission something like 20 percent of
women can orgasm from penile thrusting
alone twenty percent
it's not the main event they want to buy
a billboard insane like literally on
Sunset Boulevard but I can't wrap my
head around it so as I well I can but it
ends up with that
sexuality from an evolutionary lens I
have no idea if this is true of like
modern humans but from an evolutionary
lens it starts to click into place if
that was used for female to female
contact
I mean well the clitoris it's
interesting because the clitoris is not
just external it's also internal just to
say that there is 80 of the orgasms come
from the one on the outside it gets a
bit dubious that the main event as you
call it is putting the penis inside this
yeah yeah but it it's true but the
clitoris
well it's all it's all a complex web of
nerve endings but the clitoris has you
know just looks like a neck pillow or a
cowboy sitting bowlegged on a horse
exactly for anybody that hasn't seen it
most people haven't seen it though and
it goes around the vaginal tube exactly
and it has 12 000 nerve endings now not
the 8 000 nerve writings that we thought
because they just started to study it
more intensely I can find another 20 000
here in a minute I'm sure amazing and
you know like it's uncircumcised a
circumcised penis only is four thousand
nerved so there is a lot of magic in
there really good four thousand elements
so I'm sure they are I've heard I've
heard it's great and they get all the
magic too you guys there's an orgasm Gap
where men are having orgasms like 90 of
the time what's up guys it's Tom bilyu
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it is so strange to me that Evolution
said well we tested it on the inside
because as you know
it does extend inside the woman it wraps
around the vaginal tube but like 20
percent
eighty percent of the time you got to be
on the outside that's just strange to me
like just thinking about the thing to
make sure that you have babies is
it would make sense that it be inside
which so guys I'm sure you know this but
when you're having an orgasm you have an
intense desire to push as deep as you
can why because it makes her more likely
to get pregnant so
one would think that the woman would be
pleasured the deeper you go but it isn't
the main event she may but it isn't the
main event going back to that idea
yeah it's so fascinating do you so my
hypothesis is very simply you're more
likely to have social cohesion and
thusly other women looking out for your
children if you have an external way to
uh trigger the release of oxytocin
vasopressin I'm guessing that's
certainly what it would be in humans
um so that women have a way to bond with
other women that's my hypothesis I have
no idea if that's accurate I don't know
that women are supposed to be able to
get each other off and we can rob each
other and that that women because we
were all taking care of each other's
children in the village I'm talking
purely evolutionary by the time we get
to humans it may be totally irrelevant
but I'm saying coming up for millions of
years as other animals it's the only
thing I can make sense
I've not really thought about that
notion but I don't
I don't I mean I think that though for
men though too I think that we see back
in time I think that it's more cultural
I think that men would be with other men
too if they weren't feeling so policed
around their own bodies and their own
orgasm like why do men have a
processities don't show that but why do
men have a prostate to make sure that
your semen have something to thrive
inside why does it feel so good when
you're penetrated and why does someone
I've been to the doctor I wouldn't say
that feels so good well because you know
it was the wrong place wrong contacts
fair enough and look it may and it may
be wonderful and and there may be other
hypotheses around that but going back to
men develop sexual fetishes and they're
unlikely to change in a way that women
don't which is already interesting so
going back to female flexibility and
male inflexibility when it comes to sex
and then there's also uh the study that
we were just talking about where if if a
guy's straight he's going to respond to
straight images if he's gay he's going
to respond to gay images but
women just have a broader response I
don't know enough about it to know
what's real right right we do have a
broader response but I think that and
that that is true and that has again
with our biology maybe it's our our our
evolutionarily speaking but I also think
there's a way that women's I mean yeah
women's sexuality has been more policed
and there hasn't been as much permission
to explore and I think that men too that
in some way men are also told that like
it's not okay to to experiment or to
deviate at all and that maybe men would
find other
scenarios and things more attractive if
there wasn't this fear of being
you know being gay or being whatever
like just to explore their other body
parts I think that we've been policed
too much going back to the reason that
the porn thing I think is important is I
want to understand how we begin to
unwind this so how do we get out of this
death spiral of
the people feeling uncomfortable fearful
of making the first move that the
dynamic between men and women is now
becoming
it
there there is a price to Freedom let's
say it like that because never in a
million years would I want to see women
move backwards would not want them put
back in a box I would not want their
sexuality policed I would want them to
be the CEO of the biggest companies in
the world if that's what they want like
watching my wife self-actualize has been
one of the most beautiful amazing things
I've ever seen in my life but we had to
learn to navigate it and so when I think
about I had to go through a morning
process when she really started finding
that masculine gear and we had to talk
about it and look I I will just be very
honest my wife and I are very high level
communicators and when I think that it
was still hard for us I'm just like you
you have to put that on the pile of all
the things we're gonna have to work
through and so I think people have to
acknowledge that men and women are
different I think people have to realize
that you're you want a partner that you
must contend with which means you want
them to be everything they can be you
want them to be your intellectual will
equal and at the same time women on
average want a man that can lead at
least sometimes right and so that means
that the bar is being raised for men but
men are being trained to rise as women
rise they're being trained you're
[ __ ] toxic and back off and create
space and don't mansplain and all this
stuff I'm saying I don't think that's
the play I think the play is women be
everything you can be men be everything
you can be and it's going to be two very
different things and look I don't have
the answers I'm just saying they don't
think that we've taught men I don't
think that we've given men enough
permission to explore their range of of
emotions and to feel who they are like
so I think that we're not like I think
that we're not saying to men you are I
think that hopefully you've heart to men
saying like we're not saying you're
you're so toxic and we don't want to do
these things I think that we have to
give permission to men I think that men
need to lean more into their feminine
I'm gonna I'm gonna say that there's a
book I actually brought for you that my
my friends wrote this book called her
name is looted it's called on our best
behavior and it's about the seven deadly
sins it's called the the price that
women played to be paid to be good and
she goes through all of the seven deadly
sins and she talks about this way and
there was actually an eighth one these
actually weren't even in the Bible and
the eighth one was sadness and it was
left out but sadness is sort of I think
when her she she says in the book is she
talks about her theory is that sadness
has been this emotion that men have
learned to repress it it wasn't okay
going back to little Bobby don't cry man
up don't be a girl don't you know man up
don't feel your emotions and that when
we repress our sadness and we're not
told how to experience emotion that can
come out as personality disorders as
toxic masculinity and I think the more
we teach little boys and little girls
how to experience the range of emotions
together I think that that maybe we'll
move into a different kind of world but
I think that that's okay we'll still
always have the someone leading someone
following attraction desire arousal we
still have to under unpack that and that
we're so men are so afraid of being seen
as feminine and that we're told little
boys they can't feel and so that comes
out in other ways it is not healthy not
to experience an emotion as we know they
stay into our body they stay and you
know the issues are on our tissues the
body keeps the score all these books and
all these you know psychologists that
have talked about this stuff for a lot
of trauma work trauma therapy I know
you've talked about some of this but I
do believe that when we repress
something no matter what age it happens
it stays with us then it comes out in
ways it is not the most healing and
productive to our culture and I think
the whole world just went through a
collective trauma with the pandemic we
were cut from other people we don't have
connection as much we're staring at our
phones we're staring at our screens we
are not you know we don't have the
experience of connecting and touching
other people we require touch and
connection and intimacy that's part of
being alive that's part of being healthy
like if you go back to evolutionary
speaking we had the tribe whether it was
women with other women and raising each
other's babies but we had Community if
we don't have touch by somebody else we
start to think experience more anxiety
more depression there was that study at
Stanford I think it was a study about
the bunnies I don't know if you know
this study in my this is kind of what I
remember about there was this study
about these there was these um grad
students I believe they were at Stanford
and they were doing a study around bunny
rabbits and they found that the bunnies
that there was like bunnies on the
bottom shelf and bunnies that were on a
harder to reach shelf and the bunnies
that were the the students would come in
and they were doing this experiment and
the bunnies who actually got touched and
were how they got cuddled and they got
held rather the buddies in the top shelf
hit the bunnies on the bottom shop fared
much far better in the city because they
had more touching connection there's
been many more studies around this but
that was the first one that I remember
was one of the most impactful ones is
showing that we can't issue the
importance of that our hand can only do
so much
computers visual stimulation AI all of
that that at the end of the day we won't
be able to replace that but I think that
since our brains have created so much
fear and anxiety around touch and
connection and confusion around
sexuality what do you think about Ai and
sex robots which are going to be real
it's for sex robots I think that for
people who can have sex who are
differently abled
um who are craving connection and
intimacy you can learn from that you
know I mean an AI robot you could have
give you connection or could like
perform oral sex for like hours at time
like that might be awesome
but I still think that we're gonna need
you know maybe this is very I haven't
gone as far into it as you have but I do
think that we're still going to be we
can't replicate human connection and
touch but I do think that robots are
going to take over and that people are
not going to even maybe remember what it
was like so I think maybe we're already
seeing that that's what I think but I
think they're happening they're here
there are sex robots
we're seeing that with porn we're seeing
the two that you have like the
interactive poor that the virtual
reality porn have you tried any of that
no yeah
don't you'll never leave your room I
can't believe that's so funny I I if I
had had that when I was a teenager I
would legitimately be terrified so I
remember getting a porn magazine when I
was like 17 and
literally for an entire weekend nothing
existed with that porno and
I can't fathom if I had access to porn
then like I have access to porn now like
that would be crazy town you don't have
a developed prefrontal cortex you have
no impulse control it would feel so
awesome and your brain would begin to
hardwire for that which I I am
legitimately afraid you can add that to
the list of reasons I don't have kids
when I meet parents now that are like oh
my God we just had our first kid all I
can think is your kid isn't going to get
a driver's license because cars will
drive themselves and their first sexual
experience will almost certainly be with
a robot for real and I mean and they're
literally already building real human
skin over robot exoskeletons that's now
without AI I know so like when you Flash
Forward 15 20 years it's crazy town it
is crazy town it really is Crazy Town
yeah I've decided to be Child free as
well for many reasons and I do not my it
is it is it is quite a challenge what's
going to be happening to the kids today
that's true they're not they're already
seeing them they're not doing a driver's
license or leaving the house which is
very different than when we grew up
right so now these kids grew up with
porn without any education they're
thinking that's actually sex right now
they're thinking that that what I see in
porn is how sex goes down they're not
realizing so I don't talk to like 18ish
year olds I by the time I get to them
they're usually in their early 20s
um what what impact is porn really
having on sex like are I can't fathom
that guys think oh I can roll up on my
first sexual encounter and act like they
do important do they actually they
actually do Tom because where else if I
made it in fact I have I've talked to my
friend's son who was 18 years old very
smart kid he got all A's in school I
think he was literally going to Harvard
in the fall
and you know I'm become that person like
that Aunt or that where everyone's kids
talks to me about sex
and and he said to me he was having sex
with his girlfriend and he was having
some problems in the bedroom in fact
we're seeing more and more young men now
with performance anxiety and erectile
dysfunction which we never saw before
and there's a whole bunch of other
reasons for that but
he said to me I I want to know like I
and I was talking about porn do you
watch porn he said yeah sometimes I said
but you realize that that's not real sex
it's like scripted and he goes yeah no
no I get that he's like but where can I
see real sex then like like I get that
you're telling me that porn isn't real
but where do I go to see what actually
happens and the truth is there really
isn't I mean that's been like a kind of
a mission of mine as I really want to
reform sex education and make it much
more realistic but it says it makes it
much more understanding for kids so that
they can um whether it's like an app or
it's it's you know there's all these
different ways to do without it like
being porn
like how do you ethical porn but still
porn like how do you back it off like I
remember when The Joy of Sex came out
because of what it was just you didn't
get porn porn I was like that might as
well have been porn I was super excited
about The Joy of Sex hell yes count me
in so what would you do that isn't gonna
trigger pain I would talk about your
bodies I would talk about connection I
would actually show that sometimes sex
is funny and awkward and like you make
different noises I would show so I'm
putting on a condom I would show
lubricant I would teach about
um which is what I already do I teach
kids about consent I teach about puberty
their bodies or I would I um
show that how you know I would teach
about the women's bodies and how we need
more arousal and more foreplay and more
like you know it takes us a while like I
often say that Matt and again this is
we're very men and women it's harder for
me to speak in the binary like this but
it is true that women are more slow
cookers and men are more frying pans men
are going to get aroused and turn on
right away where women take a little bit
longer so I would like to teach about
all of that I would teach about how our
bodies work and I would teach about that
like a woman being wet isn't really just
mean that she's definitely turned on you
can be wet not turned on and turned on
and not wet and there's all of these
misinformation I would teach about
biology I teach about psychology I teach
about everything give me give me some of
the hits here what would we teach about
biology and psychology I would teach
about hormones I would teach you what
happens during puberty that you have
like this surge of hormones that are
gonna like gonna You're Gonna Go pubic
hair you might have a wet dream what
that means when you get an erection do
you understand how many boys and girls
right now start to have sexual feelings
when they're like 12 or 30 and I talk to
a lot of parented kids who are more who
are sexually aware and know a little bit
who know more than you know many but
they still do not talk to their kids
about masturbation they do not say you
know hey you're going to get these so
now kids are having guys are having
erections or girls are having orgasms or
they're masturbating and they're feeling
guilt and shame if they hide it from
their they have to hide it from their
parents they don't understand puberty
they don't understand the whole surge of
hormones what's happening to their
brains what's happening to their bodies
um it's still sort of this like
amorphous thing they kind of get it but
they don't but mostly it's laced in
shame
and it's wrong and it's dirty because
parents are so terrified that they
actually give kids the accurate
information about what's happening to
think matter of fact your body's
changing you might have these desires
and they totally normalize it which is
what again going back to the Dutch
countries if there's other places please
let me know I think that you know but
this is what we all study in my field
sexologists and you know human sexuality
that there really aren't that many
places that are teaching as well that
it's just normal it shouldn't be so
mysterious so you just kind of talk
about it as it happens we're not saying
that you're teaching kids at five years
old how to have an intercourse or where
babies are made but you're teaching them
as they come up what's happening to
their bodies their emotions and just
about their their parts and what it all
means so I would just talk about the
reality of it and I would do it all the
time ongoing it's not just a one-time
thing it's not a one class so that's
that's how I would teach it I would
infiltrate into the entire system of
education and what we teach about like
history and Math and Science and and
Sexual Health and Wellness talk to me
about the slow cooker versus being a
frying pan that mismatch is hysterical a
very cruel twist of fate uh but walk me
through people in a relationship how do
they navigate that how do you do that
well I mean okay so I also for my
audience my listeners I would get in
trouble I I would be this is where I
would get backlash because the truth is
there are just as many men who are take
longer to get aroused and turned on
especially in a longer term relationship
yeah I would say not just many but many
many have more so what we're talking
about is and why desires especially in a
long-term relationship well I think in
long-term relationships is when our sex
drive starts to to win because we no
longer have the newness and the the
novelty and the desire and we don't have
as much
um variety I mean that's what we crave
okay so when everything's new maybe
equally equally interesting yeah I would
have said men have a way higher desire
for novelty than women well you know
there have been some studies I have a
friend named Wednesday Martin who wrote
a book called untrue basically
everything you want to know about sex is
untrue and she actually has studies that
show that women in long-term
relationships actually crave more
variety than men interesting so there
had she's you would love her book
because there's a lot more like science
and studies and evolutionary psychology
and biology in it and she talks a lot
about this fact that that that and I
think that's fascinating too that women
actually crave that we want something
that's different and new and novel
so we we've learned a lot you have to
remember that the study of human
sexuality is still very much in infant
stages I mean we have like the Kinsey
Institute right I mean which came out in
the late 50s at least in America and a
lot of what Freud did was harmful right
there's different kinds of orgasms and
women that have hysteria oh wait there
are different kinds of organs there are
different kinds of orgasms sorry but
there was one superior to the other ones
that like G like the a um a clitoral
orgasm was like an infant orgasm and an
internal orgasm was a more mature orgasm
and that women would go into their
doctor's offices and they would feel
like they had this something going wrong
and they called that women's desire was
hysteria and men would start to think
their doctors would use vibrators to
bring them to orgasm that was sort of
the Advent of vibrators there's like a
whole misunderstanding about female
sexuality so it's still a very much an
emerging
science and study we don't spend a lot
of time or money of our resources
studying sexuality which is why when I
was halfway through writing smart sex
the study came out that there were 12
000 nerve endings and not eight thousand
I mean this is what I mean I'm working
with somebody who just invented the
clinogram that's the side Dr marashi
just invented the clitor clitogram which
is studying that it studies the clitoris
it's like kind of like a sonogram or a
but it's for your clitoris you can go in
and have your clitoris studied
like it it Maps it it Maps your clitoris
yep is it Imaging it's Imaging whoa yeah
so I still want to get that done to Lisa
don't you I know me too I'm going to New
York I'm gonna go do it really
so we we really haven't studied it at
all it wasn't until 1998 that the
clitoris was even in in medical in
manuals and in medical school in fact
doctors 38 1998 98 1998.
whoa the clitoris wasn't even on the map
literally that is shocking no this I'm
saying it's still very very very new 98.
I'm really glad that I read a lot of
Cosmo as a kid my mom gave me really
good advice and it was like Hey look men
and women are different you need to go
learn about women so I started reading
everything I could get my hands on that
was like Behind Enemy line stuff and
Cosmo was just like this is a joke I
don't even know where the clitoris is so
I was like yo I'm gonna know where the
[ __ ] clitoris is and look I will Pat
myself on the back my wife was like I'm
just never gonna have an orgasm I guess
not meant for me and then she met me and
I was like homie I'm telling you this
this is the only spot we have to pay
attention to this is my life's work yeah
literally and she was like a round of
applause for this young man please and
yeah look there's still some great
differences in terms of time to orgasm
so men typically are more spontaneous
right so maybe you see Lisa walk in the
room and you are spontaneously turned on
yes I'm ready for sex you're like she's
hot that's my wife I want to go she
bumps into my penis I'm ready exactly
it's hilarious that doesn't happen for
women as much we're more responsive I
know we respond to things happening in
our environment
now and there's a lot of factors and
this is the pillars that I write about
in smart sex I talk about this pillars
of sexual intelligence because what I
get to in my book is that there are all
of these factors and we need to it is
our it is our duty as sexual beings I
think to understand all the factors
after come into play to make us ready
for sex to get us in the mood for sex
and all the things that's keeping us
from being in the mood for sex it's
keeping us the mood for desire so for
men that's where we are very different
like you see here you're turned on
you're ready to go it's external your
penis reacts there's an erection well
for women we're a little bit more
complicated I would say the vagina is
like the Rubik's cube of life it's very
confused like buttons and knobs and
things that are happening and there's
like so many things to understand which
again lack of information 1998 clearance
gets on the map we don't really even
understand all this stuff and there's a
lot of different there's always new
theories coming out all the time but
this theory of responsive desire and
spontaneous desire is one way to start
so we respond to stimuli so what I need
things to happen and what we have to
understand is brain being the largest
sex organ next to the skin I get pushed
back for that sometimes the skin is also
a sex organ but the brain when you think
about what I'm trying to say is yes our
brain has to be on board for sex I'm
gonna say like your skin can be as
exposed and touch as it wants if the
brain isn't on board Your Dust Your Dust
we have to keep our old pile of light
lit we got to keep ourselves so let's go
back to the brain so
I need to understand that
what's going to get me in the mood for a
sec so I'm not resp but let's say you
okay so your turn you see Lisa you're
turned on I
you know or Lisa maybe she's finishing
an email she's still in a meeting she's
got stuff going on her brain doesn't
work though she's not ready to go like
that but what might need to happen
is she needs to remember earlier I was
talking about my feminine energy like I
know now that for me if I walk into a
room like my partner's house and it's my
boyfriend's house and it's cold it's
just and I think it's better to give
solid examples people get what I'm
talking about
if it's cold in this house for example I
completely shut down my blood flow stuff
because blood flow is a huge part of
orgasm and arousal I'm cold I'm
shivering if it's messy in there if we
have an unresolved issue we haven't
talked about I am nowhere near ready for
sex I don't care what he does or how he
looks he walks in the door my brain has
not done all that has not worked all the
factors and all the pillars I talk about
xq are not lined up for me to be ready
for sex we just don't work I may I need
to be built up towards sex so those are
the things that are going to keep me
from sex what I need to understand as a
sexual being who wants to be a great
partner is I need to understand well
what do I need to be what how do I
optimize my desire and my arousal my
desire like how do I get myself and we
often conflate desire and arousal so I
kind of use them interchangeably but the
desire is the wanting to have sex like I
want it or I don't and the arousal is
how our body is responding to sexual
stimuli but I need to know in my slow
cooker self like what this is why we
always say like foreplay like oh God
foreplay again is your biggest is your
number one tip well yeah we it's I
always say foreplay is not a suggestion
like oh maybe foreplay would dice it's
actually a requirement we need the
things that are going to build us up for
many women to get us towards that so
here here's the difficult thing foreplay
for a guy literally just touch my
genitals like that's that's for many
guys that's it yep so I gotta talk to
you for some guys not all yeah give me
give me a rough percentage I'm gonna say
94 of guys if you go straight for the
bullseye you're going to be in good
shape
not every single time if he's feeling
he's feeling Heidi in a long-term
relation
ship
I would say overall I just have to be
very careful of speaking in absolutes in
my in my uh yeah the profession the same
thing has to just if I'm freezing I
don't want to have sex right so no doubt
there are things that have to be right
you might be freezing and then Lisa
walks in the room and you're ready to
have sex but for me there's a lot there
are things that like will matter to me
I'm just saying once like once there's
no sort of obvious barrier you're still
not in the go Zone with a woman you
still need more buttons to be pressed as
you said right exactly and so the
question becomes are there Universal
buttons to press
or is it going to be just completely
different and you need to well here's
the thing it is different from person to
person from Woman to Woman we're going
to want different things but some of the
things that are Universal I would say is
we want to feel safe
safety is a big part of our arousal
process like just someone that I feel
safe with that I can trust not that I
can't get turned on with someone new and
the bad boy that's something different
but I think there's so many different
ways to answer this question but like in
their longer term relationship or in any
relationship I think if we feel safe if
we feel we want a slower build up that's
why we love like making out or kissing
or going slow our slow or is it those
things kissing touching eye gazing I
think it's all those things they're all
like kind of connected but I think
slower is better and in fact when guys
often ask me what's your top sex advice
in a pinch I would say like if you
remember I'd say go five times slower
than you think because you're aroused
you're turned on you're frying pan
you're ready to go I didn't even see you
walk in the door and now my clothes are
off and you're ready to go and you're
pounding away a guy's pounding away at
me I'm like I there is nowhere that I
was ready to go I needed all of these
things I needed to feel safe I needed to
have my breath regulated maybe I wanted
to make eye contact I wanted to start to
get my body on board for sex by like
slow touching maybe touching over my
clothes because again stimulating all
those nerve endings maybe my nipples my
vulva like there's all of these
feel-good places on the body that when
stoked or stroked will start to kind of
build the and assuming the person knows
you well and you have trust and you're
warm and all of that is it and they know
the exact places that you like to be
touched is it still just it's a matter
of time and like the the energy begins
to transfer like in these slow waves and
there is no way to speed it up or is it
um like once those things are taken for
granted because this is a long-term
partner and you know them well does it
shorten that's just part of it though no
because listen though if we're in a
relationship because it's one of the
pillars but let's say we haven't
communicated about sex we haven't
communicate communicated by anything but
particularly you know maybe I have some
resentments and I'm really mad at you
because you said you were going to come
home early and you didn't come home
early or like last week you did
something that pissed me off that's also
going to build up and that's going to
keep me from no matter what you do to me
you could do all those moves that I love
my partner could do everything that he
knows it turns me on but if I'm pissed
and I'm holding on to the resentment and
I have something that I've been wanting
to say to him or I I feel you know or I
haven't been into here's the other thing
that that I won't be as turned on or if
I'm not in shape I haven't been moving
my body I haven't been exercising I've
been eating foods that make me feel bad
rather than feel good I've had unhealthy
diet I haven't been exercising I don't
feel confident in my body
you could be doing all the things and
I'm still not going to be turned on so
it's multi-layered it's complex which is
why after almost 20 years of doing this
work I went down to write this book and
I was like okay I'm going to write down
every single tip I have on sex because I
have many and one of my sweet spots is
literally anybody to call me or come up
to me and say I've got this sex problem
and I could give you the next thing to
do I could say have a lot of it is
communication talk to your partner about
this thing try this you know maybe you
should go off this medication maybe you
should deal with your shame you had a
religious operating let's look at that
but what I realized at the end of the
day people when it come to sex they want
a quick fix they want to be out the door
but it's not a quick fix for sex there's
not one thing that's going to happen
every single time so I put together
these pillars of that's going to help
people boost their sex IQ and understand
what's going to make me feel sexually
intelligent throughout my lifetime what
do I need to understand and so I
actually broke it down into five pillars
and they all are going to contribute to
this slow cooker frying pan especially
for women the slow cooker and even the
frying pan because you're not going to
be able to get erect if you have been if
you're on a certain medication let's say
if you haven't been exercising if you've
been eating foods that aren't aren't
healthy if you might be have a lot of
anger a lot of stress I think people
understand that there's bio
individuality when it comes to arousal
your sex life and that there are all
these factors that are contributing how
embodied you are your overall health and
wellness your mental health and your
physical health your confidence level
your self-knowledge how well do you know
yourself do you know what turned you on
and then your ability to collaborate and
communicate can you give us a breakdown
of the Five Pillars so the first one
embodied how in my body am I in life
during sex so when I'm having sex am I
feeling my partner's skin against mine
or my head disassociating thinking about
the last porn that I had that level of
embodiment which fluctuates you never
get to a place where you're always in
body but that's the first pillar do I do
I feel connected to my body during sex
the second one is your health your
overall mental health and your physical
health so that would be do I am I
exercising am I moving my body have I
had therapy to deal with any untreated
traumas because untreated trauma doesn't
go away it just gets more Progressive
and worse over time the third pillar is
self acceptance do I accept my body
where I'm at my penis size my breasts
how my body's change over time the
sexual experience I have till now do I
accept myself that's really confidence
that's linked to confidence how
confident I am in my body the next one
was self-knowledge do I know after all
my sexual history what I actually
require to be turned on do I need Dirty
Talk do I need the room to be at a
certain temperature or do I need the
dishes to be out of the sink don't you
feel safe with a partner for a lot of
for a lot of people and I guess I hear I
could use gender because we're doing
that more so but for women if the house
is a mess and maybe for men too houses
of mass the dishes are in the sink I
haven't finished my tasks there's no way
in hell I'm having sex but if I know
that about myself I'm not worried that
my partner is mad at me doesn't find me
attractive anymore because I know that
like the dishes were in the sink and
that didn't make it hot and then the
fifth one is collaboration
how well do I am I comfortable talking
to my partner what I what I want in bed
do I need to tell him like I don't like
it when you do that move or I actually
require 20 minutes of oral sex or I'm
gonna need a vibrator tonight I need
lubricant
um I need you to slow down most couples
and I will say this I would say that 98
of couples do not have healthy
conversations about sex if at all they
don't know how to do it they don't have
any models of it we don't see it our
culture so every time someone has a sex
question in my head I run through these
things and I wanted to give people
permission and the power to figure it
out to kind of look at this and say okay
what's actually going on in my body in
my mind in my spirit now so I can figure
out what I need to be sexually turned on
so those are all the contributing
factors which again for many people that
might seem like obvious or of course but
after I figure out for all these years
I'm telling you that people are shocked
to find out that a certain medication
they're taking like an antidepressant is
going to impact their ability to get
aroused or that if they're eating a
shitty diet and unhealthy food that's
going to impact their blood flow so they
might not have his erections like they
like to or you know if they've trauma or
they don't talk about sex or they grew
up in a shameful household that's going
to impact their ability being a great
lover doesn't have to do with how much
sex you've had and how you know the
mindset around sex is not about like you
always say like you have to be with
somebody and you'll preacher that has a
growth mindset around sex if you was
somebody most people I would say have a
fixed State they believe that sex is one
thing and one way and that's what's
harming people's sex life and why I
think we're in a sex recession
it's really interesting communication is
a very big deal speaking to the erectile
dysfunction thing one thing that I heard
really early on that kept me quite sober
is if you have erectile dysfunction
it is it could be medication or
something like that people should
definitely get that checked but it
it could also be a sign of vascularity
problems which could be a sign of heart
disease it's not a coincidence that
Viagra was discovered when they were
trying to make a heart medication
um so very very interesting the
psychological components around the body
is also very interesting people getting
in their own head how do I look from
this angle I've heard you say that
before
um yeah that's very interesting so how
do you help people pass that when
somebody has a hang up about themselves
how do you help them get to the other
side like if they think about their body
like we're talking about like the
self-acceptance part yeah hang up or
anything I mean the thing is is working
on their their their confidence which
again seems you know we all know like
that's an inside job but it's the first
it's like kind of decoding what are the
messages that I'm telling myself about
my body well first let me talk about you
know penises okay I think that your
listeners don't appreciate this Tom is
that men I have found are way more
obsessed with their penises than women
are yes
are not like literally well we already
talked about the fact that only 20 of us
are going to have an orgasm with
anything that has to do with your penis
okay so that's one thing so I think just
kind of education knowledge
understanding like what really matters
in the bedroom and what doesn't
um it really helps to have more to
realize like if you listen so if you're
walking around all day I hate my body I
don't like the way I look my left boobs
bigger than my right boot I've gained
weight I don't feel sexy I'm stupid and
all day long you're telling yourself
specifically let's say negative
conditioning around your body and then
you get to the bedroom with someone
you're supposed to be naked and you're
like how am I I'm how am I going to be
turned on right now how can you expect
to be turned on when you've been having
these negative messages so you have to
flip the script and flipping the script
is replacing it with more body positive
body and I even don't even say body
positive I say body neutrality at least
try to be neutral because to say you're
going to love your body is a far stretch
for many people but even being accepting
of it and saying like when you're
walking past the mirror like what is
something that I love about my body
what's something that I even like do I
appreciate that my legs are getting me
you know are allowing me to walk through
my home right now does my hair look good
today like what is something you know I
like my ears I don't got pretty eyes
what can you do so you can what can you
find in your body that you love how do
you change unfollow people on social
media who make you feel bad about
yourself
um you know I think it's having
affirmations in your phone like even
writing positive like I'm asexual being
that's deserving of pleasure my body is
built you know I can I I deserve to be
you know Sexual Health and Wellness is
part of my overall you know well-being
you know continuing to like replace
negative conditioning with positive
conditioning picking partners that make
you feel good about yourself not bad
about yourself finding other penises
involved there's some amazing artwork
out there that actually shows I mean
listen if we're young people now are
just seeing what they see in porn like
it makes sense that a lot of men aren't
feeling great about their penises and a
lot of women aren't feeling great about
their vaginas or their vulvas their
vulva is the external part of the vagina
because you only see certain parts but
everyone is a little bit different right
so I would say like fine surround
yourself with sex positive voices
affirmations realizing and also here's
the other thing is masturbation
masturbation is a huge part of being
sexually well and healthy and when you
start to realize that you can learn your
own body and I I tell this I don't often
have to remind men to masturbate but for
women I think like either often like oh
I didn't it didn't occur to me again
we're slow cookers I don't just get hit
over the head by it but for women when I
realize when I teach them or talk to
them about it like
start to masturbate and start to
understand your own body become the
expert in your own Machinery you be
responsible for your own orgasm you're
responsible for your own pleasure and
once you start to do that it's the most
empowering thing in the world because
not only do you realize I could give
myself pleasure and orgasms but then
when you're with a partner you know
exactly what to do you know what to tell
them you know how to feel more confident
you know what feels good and what is
actually possible so then you're not you
know I think that really helps with the
the lack of confidence part because you
know I know how this thing goes I know
what I need to be turned on so it's a
bunch of the few of those things really
help I would imagine so going back I'm
going to ask you directly how is it
possible that Size Doesn't Matter
I mean for some women it feels really
great to be filled up and it would be
great to have a a large penis that's a
preference thing
it can impact all of the nerve endings
and that can be great but really for the
woman the vagina the the inner two
thirds of the vagina are the most
sensitive so if anything like girth can
be important but when we talk about the
way that those women are going to have
more pleasure and more orgasms I think
having a lover that is more attentive
pays attention is focused on Pleasure
and arousal and understanding all the
things that make us feel good
I think we would prioritize that kind of
lever way over penis size and for some
women what I've heard over time
in the almost two decades I've been
doing this I hear from way more women
who are with someone who's way too big
and it's painful and they can't hear
from more men too it's like I literally
can't stick it in because it's so
painful then then from like this penis
was too small and what am I going to do
about it and I'm not saying that it
doesn't matter for some just like large
breasts there are some men who only want
to be with a woman with large breasts
because if someone has small breasts
that's just not attractive to them they
won't get turned on that's not
interesting so for some women a guy with
a smaller penis
won't be interesting to them won't be
hot won't be their partner but for
others I think it's preference really
I have a theory on this okay I'll call
it you've got a lot of theories which I
love you this is I do I don't understand
how people don't formulate theories
anyway I'm always trying to fix my
prediction engine I love it uh I have a
foot shoe model of penis vagina
compatibility okay and I have a theory I
I don't have enough personal data to
know for sure but I've got enough to
know I'm I'm on the right track uh that
there are probably just as many insides
of vaginas as there are outsides of
penises and while it may not be exactly
one for one and that you have somebody
that is literally your mirror uh that
there's going to be somebody who fits
whatever you have so if you're a captain
Gigantor there's going to be somebody
who's perfect for you and if you're on
the smaller size there's going to be
somebody for you now whether you find
that person is a whole nother thing
um but I have a feeling that that's
closer to the truth than just it doesn't
matter but I agree with you so I learned
very quickly that at least my wife is
not as interested in penises as I would
like her to be I got out of the shower
and I was standing buckning if my wife
just got out of the shower and is naked
guaranteed I'm checking everything out
and I'm happy to do it and I wouldn't
like I wouldn't even have to think to
check her out I just would my eyes would
just naturally wander and so I'm
standing there talking to her buck naked
and she doesn't even glance down not
once yeah and we're just having a normal
conversation I'm tracking her eyes
because I'm like she's gonna look she's
gonna look she's gonna look and uh she
never once looked down and my heart
broke and in that moment I I said to her
at the end I was like wow you didn't
even glance down and she was like oh
geez I didn't even think about it and I
was like what I'm like standing here
naked and it did not even cross your
mind and I was like wow she's really not
kidding like it just isn't her thing she
is not wired for the visual side of this
now like I said when I was young my mom
gave me great advice so I already knew
focus on the brain focus on the mind my
mom gave me the best piece I've said
this so many times to my audience my mom
gave me the best piece of advice about
sex I've ever gotten you said it here
today which is she my mom said Point
Blank for a woman to have an orgasm she
has to trust you and I was like what I'm
sorry that just it didn't make any sense
I didn't understand right like how those
two were related what they it it it
would be like uh for a woman to have an
orgasm uh Walter Cronkite has to be on
TV somewhere and you're like why what
did the two have to do with each other I
was very confused by that obviously I'm
not anymore but at the time I really did
not understand that they just seemed
like two totally unrelated phenomena uh
so yeah for anybody out there with
insecurities around that I would say
yeah probably not the first thing on her
mind if you make her feel loved seen
desired secure
Etc exactly and yeah it is true that's
like really there's so many other
factors that are involved with with sex
but I it's interesting your lid for
every pot or your penis for every vagina
analogy because I'm thinking about that
but it's just it's funny because I I
just again
that darkens back to the fact that sex
sex as we know it has been so focused on
procreation and when really I think if
sex as eroticism and sexist touch and
desire and one of my missions is to make
sex less about procreation less about
procreation less about penis and vagina
and penetration but more about exploring
and more about our autism and touch and
and like you know so many times couples
are craving sex but I really think
they're craving intimacy or connection
and sometimes massage can be a great way
to connect and maybe that will lead into
sex but when we're just focusing on this
penetrative act this is when we're
seeing so many women just silently
suffering through this problem around
not having you having low desire not
having orgasm faking orgasm this orgasm
Gap so we can expand our definition into
of sex into like eroticism and pleasure
overall I think that we'd have a lot
more you know satisfied women and so
maybe there is a you know penis for
every vagina but I just
I just think once we give more
information to women like that's really
just I'm going to say again like size
it's not about that I mean it's a nice
to have I think for many but once you
have you start to understand more you
realize that it's just it's a nice to
have but it's not everything sex in our
20s is different than sex in our 30s in
our 40s and our 50s
and sex week to week is changing
especially for women in our 28 day cycle
I mean women's hard to track to still
understand that for many during
ovulation they're more aroused and
turned on when they actually get their
period less so we all get to decide
who we are as sexual beings and track it
so I think once you realize that it's
not that that there's so many things
involved with sex so that it's going to
change over our lifetime that there's
all these factors like I talk about in
the pillars that to pay attention to
like I think everything is realizing
that sex is changing and growing and so
our bodies and it's about hormones and
it's about connection and intimacy and
it's an important part of our health and
wellness so it would constantly be
continually be monitoring without
resistance
um and thinking that it's some magical
Magic Bullet thing that really isn't one
except for some vibrators work really
well I love it that's smart sex
everybody if you haven't already be sure
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friends be legendary take care peace
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