Kind: captions
Language: en
my heart absolutely aches for all the
people out there that feel lost and
inadequate people try to look good on
Instagram They Don't Really worry about
who they actually are I want to compare
and contrast to two people okay uh one
being Andrew Tate where many people
considered the Pinnacle of modern
masculinity the other being Marcus
Aurelius known as the last of the five
Great Emperors of Rome who should people
be looking up to and most important why
I think it's hard to be a man in the
world these days where as we have
corrected you know mistakes of the past
some of the things that sort of would
have been
reassuring or purposeful or even just
Mooring like tie you to who you are and
why you're here for men has gone away
right less people go to church than ever
before less people work at the same job
their whole life than ever before you
know all these things that would explain
who you were how you should be why you
mattered those have fallen away
and so I don't I'm not surprised by the
fact that from that sort of emptiness or
vacuum people would be attracted to
someone who both tells them what they
want to hear and sort of sets down kind
of an aspirational model where yeah
you're good with women you're
financially successful you seemingly
emanate power and confidence I get why
all that's attractive but I find him to
be repulsive wow well I mean first off
he's a sex trafficker and uh what if he
was proven innocent because I I would
love to set that aside because if he is
that and God knows some of the things
I've seen make it seem like it probably
it's it's dark no matter what and it may
be just unbearably heinous but
I I want to address the part that made
people like go to him because I think
that that will break the spell if it
ends up being true I think he'll just
disappear yeah but prior to that there
was the sense of strong could fight very
articulate tons of money
um seem to be the kind of guy that
people wanted to be around so I'm using
him as a stand-in for hyper masculinity
or the the modern model yeah and I think
you make a good point let's say perhaps
he's innocent it still doesn't change
the fact that the business model from
which his wealth has been derived is
about uh the sort of a modern form of
prostitution or pimping right like this
is I don't think this is the the Stokes
don't have any problem with making money
right being financially successful
Seneca says uh what does it matter if
the philosopher is rich in so far is
that his money is not stained by Blood
right and so I think it's great to be
successful to make money I think how how
you made that money is more important
than how much you have or don't have
right so I find I find the Enterprise to
be uh repulsive let's let's I just want
to stipulate that but if we're sort of
contrasting some of the sort of hyper
masculinity manosphere red pill kind of
maleness with uh some of the ideals in
stoicism I think that's a fascinating
contrast because there was actually a
recent maybe it was the American
Psychological Institute or there were
some medical
uh institution that was sort of laying
out what they thought the primary
attributes of toxic masculinity were and
one of them is stoicism like they're
laying out stoicism as in non-emotional
as in unemotional invulnerable sort of
suppressive which I think is obviously a
fundamental misreading of stoicism but
but I do think the the contrast between
those two things is interesting there's
like maybe what people call would call
lowercase stoicism and uppercase dose
and I'm obviously interested in in the
sort of the actual philosophy of Doses
and the Market's a realist version of
stoicism it's interesting you you
pointed them out as one of the five
Great Emperors actually the the
historical term there is he's the last
of the five good Emperors which which I
think is an important distinction
because he is great I mean you don't
become the most powerful man in the
world without some form of greatness
there you don't stay the most powerful
man but he was just appointed so you
definitely you could his son for the
love of God was a tyrant psychopath but
what's interesting about Marcus is how
he gets there right but pointing out
that great and good are not the same
thing and then a lot of people aspire to
be great uh but don't really care if
they're good in the process and I think
to me what's truly impressive what true
greatness is is both it involves both
being Talent and masterful and powerful
and successful but also fundamentally
decent and generous and honest and fair
and uh kind of all these other
attributes that can sometimes get lost
in
a Cutthroat ambitious
real world scenario right but Marcus's
story is so interesting because he's
more than just appointed right so what's
so fascinating about the five good
Emperors is basically for five
consecutive Emperors there is no male
Heir I think we all agree a hereditary
monarchy is not a great system it
doesn't tend to create good leaders so
why do you have five in a row it's
because the emperor was not simply
naming his eldest son his successor so
what happens is Hadrian who is two
Emperors before Marcus
is without a son he's probably gay you
know sort of an eccentric interesting
guy he's a pretty good Emperor he's
flawed in a lot of ways but he's a good
Emperor right no one would say he's a
great a good man but he was a he was a
great emperor and he's starting to look
around who's going to succeed me and he
looks at this boy marks realist is is
pretty young then he doesn't come
they're not related anyway but he is
from a prestigious Roman family and
there's something about this kid that
strikes Hadrian he nicknames him uh
verismus or the truthful one so he has
some fundamental honesty or decency to
him that makes Hadrian think like this
kid has potential he's smart he's
philosophically inclined quite early
doesn't want to be Emperor right which
is I think also a positive sign in a
leader like the leader that wants the
power the most is the one you have to be
the most worried about so Hadrian
decides hey there's something in this
kid but he also knows that the worst
thing you could possibly do is make a
kid a king you know and so he has to set
in motion some training program that
would make this kid a great emperor and
so he realizes he needs like a stop Gap
he needs like a placeholder before
Marcus is ready and Marcus not having a
male relative who could do this
Hadrian settles on this guy named
antoninus who's the most powerful
politician in Rome at that time who's
sort of worked his way up through the
ranks honest decent good and Hadrian's
considering maybe he's the successor and
he the story is that he notices one day
uh antoninus helping his stepfather his
elderly stepfather up a flight of stairs
no one's watching and he just sees this
moment of kindness or goodness in a
person who is otherwise a very talented
ambitious powerful politician so what
Hadrian does is he names antoninus his
successor
in exchange antoninus has to name Marcus
Aurelius his successor and so Hadrian
probably thinks Marcus will reign for
that antoninus will reign for three or
four years or ten years right life
expectancy there is not super long and
antoninus ends up ruling for like two
decades and he and Marcus have this
incredible relationship where he seems
to actively be interested in teaching
Marcus and modeling good behavior for
Marcus and Marcus in turn doesn't see
this adopted stepfather as arrival in
any way as an impediment in any way but
has someone to learn from someone to
model himself on and so for 20 odd years
antoninus leads while preparing this kid
to to succeed him and that's what
ultimately ends up happening and I think
a testament to antoninus's uh tutoring
and to Marcus's learning and inherent
decency the first thing Marcus does when
he becomes Emperor is he names his
step-brother co-emperer
right so the first thing he does with
absolute power is give part of it away
which is you know unprecedented in the
annals of history and so all of this is
to say what makes Marcus great is not
just that he's a great leader he's a
great military campaigner that he's
smart that he's good at communicating
that he knows how to broker you know
compromises but that sort of
fundamentally there is a decency there a
goodness there a a sense of
community-mindedness in it and
meditations he talks about the common
good 40 or 50 times right like what what
what's in Marcus that makes Marcus I
think a worthy model for young men and
for young women is that you know he's
not corrupted by the power that he has
he doesn't feel the need to prove
anything to anyone he has this sense
this inner code that he's trying to live
by and he wants to be great but he he
doesn't necessarily want to do it
through the piling up of wealth or
honors or accomplishments but by you
know making a positive difference in the
world all right what I want to talk
about is that inner code so what I find
interesting about this whole setup is
all right so uh I don't know a lot about
Andrew Tate but it does seem like he had
quite a dysfunctional relationship with
his father Yes fatherlessness is tied to
a lot of bad outcomes part of the
question because and that's for boys and
girls part of the question becomes why
what's that Dynamic but what what I find
interesting in life if if it's all
predetermined and you either are just
born a good person and you're going to
be fine or you're born a sociopath and
nothing that happens to you is going to
make any difference
legitimately close my company quit
because the whole point what's the point
yeah yeah for me literally it's called
impact Theory because I really believe
that there are a set of ideas that you
can give to people and if they deploy
those ideas it will make their life
better and so all I am trying to do is
actually articulate these ideas now they
get extremely complicated you and I were
talking before we started rolling for me
this is really gone in three phases and
that's kind of how I want to walk
through this today so phase number one
for me was the inner code so I needed to
build a belief system and that was the
beginning of my show was just that I was
just trying to help people Cobble
together what I called mindset if you
get the right mindset which I now
probably refer to as frame of reference
so you build a frame of reference
intentionally most people do it
completely on accident yeah but I would
want them to take control of that
process so you're building a frame of
reference from beliefs and values what
is what do I choose to believe is and
then what ought to be yeah then once you
have that you go into phase two which is
deploying it in your immediate life so
I'm going to deploy it in my
relationships in my career and my
personal finances I'm sure a lot of the
things because honestly I came to
stoicism not by reading stoicism but by
going what works yeah sure and so you
end up and then you hear it for the
first time you're like whoa like this is
exactly the kind of thing that I've been
steering myself towards and then phase
three becomes what I'll shorthand to the
reality Distortion field portion of your
life you get to the point where okay
I've I've built the right lens through
which to view the world and myself I've
deployed it in my immediate region and
now I want to see how much I can really
push this out into the world now
originally I would have thought of it as
creating the world that you want but as
the modern world ratchets up and throws
more Temptations more ease at people I
find that a lot of what I think about is
knowing what to resist what not to do
what to turn away from
so walk me through what what is that
inner code that
somebody who's aiming at the the I'm
going to call the the ease of Tate right
get rich quick uh fast and flashy not
necessarily about long-term
relationships and then
comparing to somebody like Marcus
Aurelius that's really about self-denial
anchoring not giving into Power I
remember I I I understand that position
very well because I wasn't
wasn't that long ago that I was there I
remember I was 19 years old someone had
recommended that I read Marcus
aurelius's meditations I was sitting in
my college apartment it arrived in the
mail I went and I got it and I sat down
and I read it and here you have the
thoughts of the most powerful man in the
world sort of explaining like his code
how a person should be what a person
should do what greatness was what
goodness was what virtue was
and I remember being struck so much by
the this sense that like no one had ever
talked to me this way before my dad
hadn't talked to me about this way I
hadn't really heard that in church or in
school or on TV you know there there is
this sense I think that like kids will
just figure it out people just figure it
out or that you know it's obvious and
it's not obvious people need guidance
they need structure they need advice
like
it's it's absurd that you would just
expect them to figure this stuff out by
trial and error because you can end up
going down these blind hours it could
take you years to find out that hey this
trait you picked up this way of living
isn't actually the right one or isn't
working for you it's not as meaningful
as you think it was so what so struck me
about the Stokes was that it answered
this same question that I think people
are
feeling like the Andrew Tates or random
YouTubers or tick-tockers are are
answering which is like
how should I be like what is the good
life right
what do I need to do in the world to get
ahead or how do I prevent myself from
being taken advantage of or being weak
or or failing right like how do I deal
with this hole that I have inside me and
I think it's a shame that we don't think
of philosophy as a way to address those
existential questions because that's
fundamentally what philosophy was from
the very beginning today we think of
philosophers as like somebody who works
in the philosophy department at Harvard
or we think of some unpronounceable
German name but you know Socrates is
walking around trying to answer the
questions about knowledge and wisdom and
insight and goodness uh diogenes you
know famously walks around with his
Lantern and he's he says show me a good
man he's looking for for for that kind
of person the founding of stoicism Xeno
is this successful young Merchant he
inherits the family business suffers a
shipwreck he washes up on in on Shore in
Athens having lost everything and he
walks into this bookstore and the
Bookseller is reading the works of
Socrates right one of the dialogues of
Socrates
and he says he walks up to the
Bookseller and he goes where can I find
a man like that and the FL and the
Bookseller points to this this uh cynic
philosopher named crates and that sets
Zeno on this mission right he's lost
everything he doesn't know where to go
he doesn't know what to do and
philosophy
is that light it is that North Star and
so I really put a point on that for a
second because as I was researching for
this episode I took
a whole bunch of sort of Journal style
notes on the idea of philosophy yeah so
I think that we all have a god-shaped
hole in US yes and
it has been I I'm not even sure how to
categorize what's happened to religion
because in some ways we're like becoming
more religious but in other ways it
really does feel somewhat empty and it
feels like there's a huge fragmentation
and so there is no one galvanizing sense
of who you ought to be and what you
ought to become and religion is
political now as opposed to a guide To
Living in the world which is what it was
supposed to be you know uh
2000 years ago you think of the Ten
Commandments right it's like do this
don't do this right
um and and
philosophy and religion were intertwined
right aren't they one and the same it's
just one is backed up by a deity and one
is not I mean what I what I mean this
more literally like uh Paul is known as
Paul of Tarsus Saint Paul is was known
before he becomes Saint Paul's Paul of
Tarsus and Tarsus is the center of stoic
philosophy it leaves Athens and it goes
to Tarsus and he studies stoic
philosophy right and and uh Christianity
absorbs a bunch of the ideas from stoic
philosophy which I think because I lost
the threat a little bit but like you
said what is the code right what is the
code for living that philosophy teaches
us well so we're we're back with Zeno
he's been on the Shipwreck the reason
that I wanted to really drill that point
home is so I started this by saying my
heart bleeds for the people that feel
lost and inadequate yeah and why does my
heart believe from them because I've
been there I know intimately what that's
like
um for me I found taoism and then
business forced me into something
probably more like stoicism but you when
you begin to create a category of
thought in your mind about how things
ought to be how you ought to be and you
start steering towards that then you can
create meaning and purpose in your life
yes and so now all of a sudden and I
mean look this is a straight uh quote
from the stoics you can't control what
happens to you but you can control how
you react yes and so that's what's so
fascinating about that moment is you've
got this guy that had everything loses
it in a shipwreck and whether it's
apocryphal or not like he's I'd imagine
dripping wet as he walks into the
bookstore you know and is like how do I
reconceptualize of my life now yeah it's
the moment in Fight Club when his
apartment gets blown up and he loses
every and he's having to look at life
with new eyes for the first time and
Xeno would would say later he would joke
he says you know I lose everything he
says I made a great 4 Fortune when I
suffered a shipwreck because he lost
everything financially he lost
everything as far as his identity goes
his work his his sort of family's Legacy
and what he finds his philosophy he
finds this code of living and Zeno is
the first of the stoic philosophers to
articulate the four virtues which
stoicism is built around courage
self-discipline Justice and wisdom which
also any Christian would recognize as
the cardinal virtues so stoicism and
Christianity share the same
underlying operating system if you will
one says that God gave it to us and
maybe the Stokes would say it's from the
gods or they would say it's from you
know our ruling reason our rational
sense I I think it doesn't really matter
what matters is that those are four
traits for Bedrock values that you can
build a great and a good life around out
courage self-discipline Justice and
wisdom every situation good or bad in
life every moment big or small
one or all of those virtues is
appropriate is demanded right everything
The Stokes would say is an opportunity
to practice one of those virtues so you
know famously uh when Marcus really is
talking about how the obstacle is the
way he's not saying that hey this
shipwreck is awesome he's saying that
this shipwreck is an opportunity to
practice one or more of the stoic
virtues this betrayal by your business
partner is an opportunity to practice uh
one or more of these four stoic virtues
right this loss of a family member this
horrible warrior in the middle of right
also this incredible success you've just
become the emperor of Rome courage
self-discipline Justice wisdom all of
that and more is demanded of you and so
like the stoicism isn't a list of
Commandments do this don't do that but
it is these sort of four Bedrock values
which you're supposed to build your life
life and your decisions and your
individual actions around and towards
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the thing that I find
um so I don't believe in God but I so
relate to the idea of that that sense of
there is a hole in me and I need
something to fill it and for me
I think all of this whether it's
religion whether it's philosophy what
it's trying to get at is evolution has
planted these drivers algorithms in your
mind and there's just no escaping them
and the reason there's no escaping them
is they are the things that you have to
do in order to survive long enough to
have kids that have kids yeah and so the
the Epitaph on my Tombstone
ought to read you're having a biological
experience and what I want people to
understand is death is a biological it's
a hundred percent yeah and whether uh
God gave us evolution in the body
whether this is all a simulation none of
it matters sure what what it boils down
to is the the way that you interface
with life the way we interface with each
other the most importantly the way we
interface with ourselves is
pre-programmed like you you are going to
feel some kind of way you are going to
be prone to love you were going to be
prone to jealousy you are going to be
prone to uh Envy Joy all of it like the
The Human Experience as varied as it is
is so narrow when you compare us to
other animals and and what they go
through and once people realize that and
you realize okay there there is no way
to escape certain pressures yeah and so
now whatever philosophy that you have
ought to align with the things that are
going to make you I would say fulfilled
yes so I'll round it to human
flourishing right so to me uh something
you've said and the note that I took
even before we started is you need a
North star there needs to be something
that you're aiming at and so you know I
hold up Andrew Tate and Marcus Aurelius
as two potential North Stars as a bundle
of ways of approaching the world of
deciding what's a value of deciding what
to believe but which one of those you
choose one is going to be more aligned
with the the algorithms that you already
have running in your mind and thusly are
going to lead you to a lot life of more
fulfillment it's probably worth me
defining what I mean by fulfillment so
to me fulfillment is the only
neurochemical state that is pleasant and
can survive something like grief because
Joy or happiness does not survive grief
you cannot be joyful and grieving at the
same time but I think
curious to see if you agree with that
yeah I think that you can be fulfilled
and grieving at the same time so I think
fulfillment has a recipe and that recipe
is you must work really hard like that
nature is going to ensure that you work
really hard and that that is pleasurable
and that you have a sense of disease if
you don't because otherwise you're going
to die in an evolutionary context so you
must work really hard
to gain a set of skills
that you enjoy for whatever reason that
allow you to serve not only yourself but
the group yeah and so that recipe to me
is everything the whether it's stoic
whether it's taoism whether it's
Christianity Islam whatever it's the the
one that's going to win is going to be
the one that most aligns you with the
things that make you feel grounded like
you have meaning and purpose you feel
secure and worthwhile all the things
that I lament for people that feel lost
and inadequate what's interesting how
Timeless this discussion we're having is
I mean Marcus would have recognized it
himself right
um in meditations Marx surrealist talks
quite a bit about the other Emperors who
come before him right this is an elite
club he's in some are more famous than
others but you know he talks a lot about
Alexander the Great right who was sort
of the historical model for manliness
and greatness and success and ambition
is the greatest conqueror that ever
lived you know one of the great military
Minds how far before Aurelius was he
Alexander the Great dies not long before
Zeno makes his way to Athens so it's a
long time and we're talking 500 years or
so it's interesting how we we sent we
tend to think like the ancient world is
so compressed Mark surilis quotes poets
in meditations that were further away
from his time than Shakespeare is from
ours whoa so this goes back this is a
long tradition and and the debates about
greatness uh and ambition and power it's
there you know the Xerxes the Persian
king who wanted to conquer the world
Alexander the Great who does conquer the
world you know Alexander the Great he is
this great brilliant conqueror and you
know he makes it to the end of the Earth
and his men finally Rebel like we want
to go home we've been doing this for you
know 20 years and he says what are you
gonna he's like are you gonna go home
and let it be said that you left
Alexander the Great alone to finish
conquering and they they were like yeah
and and there's some argument that his
men killed him
um but Marcus Aurelius tries to talk to
himself in meditation you can't compare
yourself against this guy he goes he's
like it's important that you remember
that Alexander the Great and his mule
driver both died and they were both
buried in the same earth right that
death is this great equalizer that you
don't get to take these accomplishments
with you and so to be insatiable in life
is really a kind of an emptiness kind of
a torture that that doesn't pay off the
way that you think it does right and and
so
in the ancient world they were
constantly looking at these figures and
there's this famous exchange I mentioned
diogenes earlier diogenes is this great
philosopher sort of a predecessor of the
Stokes and he meets Alexander the Great
Alexander the Great's a big fan he's a
he's a student of philosophy himself and
uh you know he comes across uh Alexander
Alexander comes across diogenes who's
you know like laying by the side of the
road just sunning himself and Alexander
the Great sort of walks over him and he
says um hi I am Alexander the Great you
know what can I do for you thinking that
you know he can bestow favors on this
man and impress him and and diogenes
looks at him and he says you can stop
blocking my son and the idea that the
contrast the reason the Angels would
tell this story was was to say that
actually diogenes is greater than
Alexander the Great because diogenes is
self-sufficient diogenes has reduced his
needs to zero diogenes doesn't need to
prove anything to anyone
um and he he had sort of taken a
different path in life and I think
there's probably a middle ground between
these two that we want to embody but
um you know Stephen pressfield right
yeah Stephen pressfield uh writes a
great novel about Alexander the Great
called uh uh the virtues of War I think
and there's a scene a fictional scene
between Alexander and diogenes and he
sort of renders another one of their
meetings and I think it illustrates his
tension you know
Alexander the Great goes to diogenes and
says I have conquered the world what
have you ever done and diogeny says I
have conquered the need to conquer the
worlds right and so I think it's it's
great to to be driven to try to do
things but the Stokes would say
are those things driving you or are you
driving them right are what are you a
slave to right who's actually in control
of your life and so I think oftentimes
the people that we hold up as heroes or
that we admire if you actually get up
close with them and you see
that they're not as free as you think
they are they're not as powerful as you
think they are they're a slave to
something or someone even if it's just
like their over scheduled calendar and
so you know what's beautiful about
meditations is you have this immensely
powerful man trying to get to the root
of what it actually means to be powerful
and I think he settles on the idea of
being in command of yourself is actually
a rarer thing than being in command of
an army or an Empire or a you know a a
great legacy or you know whatever
whatever one is after in life
okay so this idea of being a slave to
the things that you're into that's one
of the things that I worry about a lot
with the modern world so you have uh
porn beginning to skew people the idea
that you could see more uh attractive
naked women in a single session than
most men would have seen in their entire
lives sure uh is pretty crazy only fans
which is a a whole thing I don't even
know how to conceptualize with that
that's when I had my head down and I was
just working for her you know whatever
two decades I look up and only fans is
the thing that I don't necessarily I'm
fully grappled with what that means
drugs uh just food like there are so
many things I mean you can get on a
plane for 200 and travel basically
anywhere you want right at any time like
the it's wonderful how accessible
and uh real real like technology and
capitalism has made things but it also
makes it hard
to be self-contained to be
self-sufficient to be in control of your
life and not controlled by the endless
urges and temptations and distractions
and Pleasures that are out there are the
pleasures bad well the Stokes would say
that pleasure isn't bad per se but they
would ask you know how do you feel the
morning after right they would ask uh
what what regrets come from it right
what negative consequences come from it
masonous Rufus is one of the great
Stokes he's the teacher of Epictetus he
says you know when you work hard on
something it's painful but the pain
passes quickly and The Virtue or the
accomplishment remains but he says when
you do something for pleasure the
pleasure passes quickly but the shame
remains and so when I think about the
things that people do whether it's drugs
or drink thinking or
sexual stuff or or just any of the
pleasures that we chase you know it's
fun in the moment it's rewarding in the
moment but the costs come later and and
you can't separate those costs you can't
you can't go I had an awesome time
drinking last night without integrating
the morning hangover into that cost
benefit analysis but that's kind of the
problem that we do right it's like
you're eating whatever you want you're
not exercising because it's hard well
you don't see the consequences of that
until you look in the mirror six months
from now right and vice versa when you
decide to work out and to eat clean and
to push yourself
and to be disciplined you know you don't
see the benefits of that until later and
and our inability to deal with that I
think is
big part of why we're not the people we
want to be or the people that we can be
I have a thesis yeah
many people need to be chased by a lion
and you know obviously as a metaphor in
order to have their life
focused
take on meaning because then it you you
have a thing to deal with you have a
thing that provides that structure yeah
and so when I look at the Modern
landscape the thing that I really worry
about is that there is no like you can
in a modern context you can live in your
parents basement until you're 35 and
there's really no major consequence for
that right and
what do you think about that so like
what do you make of something like only
fans where when you know I've been
married for 21 years I will often give
relationship advice or have relationship
guests on the show and one of the
comments you will see in the thread is
one person will be like oh I think you
should listen to Tom's advice he's been
married for 21 years then somebody else
would be like yeah he got married 21
years ago there was no social media uh
there was no swiping right like one
you'll see a lot is women women would
settle back then so I was like thanks
guys yeah yeah you know and
like what do you think about that what
what is the thing that has broken that
has left men spending inordinate amounts
of money yeah on a woman they're never
going to meet right who almost certainly
is uh they're not actually talking to
them you're talking to like probably a
guy that's running their account all
while and here's where my brain broke
all while you could go get free porn
yeah so this isn't just about
masturbating like that there's free
stuff that you could do you don't have
to pay for what the like what's
happening yeah I mean I don't think one
thing broke I think a lot of things
broke right and so what are those things
well I mean first off yeah the the an
unlimited amount of high definition
pornography it's an incredible
temptation to any lonely person right I
get porn far more than I get only fans I
mean at a certain point watching
pornography is lonely and unrewarding
because human beings desire and need
Connection in relationships but if you
have been
Left Behind like we talk about people
who've been left behind like workers
right you're a factory worker and now uh
that that job can be done cheaper in
China or it requires way more education
than you have you're left behind but I
think a lot of people are left behind
when all of a sudden the dating Market
is so much more efficient right where
um the competition is so much more uh
severe right where people don't have to
settle like you're saying because they
have access to unlimited fish in the sea
and so this means if you don't have your
life together if you're you know not
taking care of yourself if you don't
have the emotional wherewithal and
skills like I it's it's always been hard
to be a person and to find your people
right it I by that I mean friends and I
mean potential spouse or life partner
it's always been hard but then you know
what we ask of people to day is so much
greater we demand emotional awareness
like I I've young kids the emotional
awareness and the uh the load that I'm
supposed to carry and the level of
involvement I'm supposed to have in
their lives is
enormously bigger than my father had and
incomprehensibly bigger one to two
generations back right and then you
think about the technological prowess
that a person has to have you think
about
um how expensive things like it's just
hard to be a person and so people are
left behind and so if
suddenly
you can fool yourself into thinking that
this beautiful adult actress or sex
worker is into you
that illusion is going to be more
comfortable than facing the hard reality
have you ever watched the the MTV show
Catfish
no you know what catfishing is right
it's it's actually a really revealing
show
um about intentionally catfishing people
no no the show is is people who think
they're being catfished and then they
come and help them investigate to see
whether they are or not and I think it's
actually a really revealing look into
what it it's like to be one of these
kinds of people in the world because
these kind of in cells what are we
talking about incel's a strong word but
somebody who is struggling like
struggling to find real people in real
life right and invariably
the person has fallen for someone that
is not just out of their league but
but obviously out of their league to
everyone but them right it's like and so
cognitive dissonance is a powerful force
and so when this male or female model
randomly slides into your DMs on social
media and falls for you an unemployed
person working in your parents you know
living in your parents basement and
they're really successful but they don't
have a phone that works so that's why
you can't FaceTime like they're not
seeing what's obviously there because to
see what is there would mean despair
right to see that they have been wasting
their life or that the world is unfair
or unjust or you know much you know more
difficult than they would like it to be
that's a hard that's a hard truth to
face and I think it's easier to turn to
Illusions like falling in love with some
you know random person who's tricking
you and ultimately going to take money
from you
and and you know a lot of what's
happening on adult websites or or only
fans is just
um
a slightly more ruthless version of that
same thing they're they're creating a
parasocial relationship with someone
um where you feel like it's a two-way
street and it's fundamentally a one-way
Street and uh
you would rather live in those delusions
than
go to the gym
go back to school
go to therapy you know deal with
the
unfair or awful hand that life dealt you
but it even if it is unfair even if it
is is unjust it doesn't change the fact
that that's what you were dealt and you
got to figure out what you're gonna do
with that
what would the stoics say to an incel
oh no I don't know I mean it's hard it's
hard to
it's hard to think about
what that is because I think it's it's
such a complicated it's psychological
and it's economic and it's you know the
sort of radicalization of the internet
but I I do think the stoics would say
like look uh
all the things that you don't like about
the world all the things you don't like
about yourself uh you know being mad at
other people about them you know
resenting them uh lamenting them it's
not going to make it any better for you
and so how do you focus on what you
control here on what you can do here and
I I do think you know at the core of
stoicism although it has this reputation
for being sort of resigned the core of
stoicism is this strong sense of agency
that you don't control a lot of what's
happened before or in the future but you
control who you are right now what you
do in this moment and the decision to to
be a responsible adult Joan Didion
famously said you know the decision to
take responsibility for yourself in your
own life
is the source from which all
self-respect Springs facts and facts
totally and and the the decision to go
this isn't my fault but it's my problem
this sucks but I don't want to live a
sucky shitty life so I'm going to do
something about it I'm not going to
blame other people for the fact that I
am undesired that I am unhappy that I am
unsuccessful I'm going to do something
about that that is the first choice that
is the number one thing that is up to
you let's say you're Quasimodo yeah I
don't know the Hunchback I actually
don't know the story so I don't know
what the punch line in the movie is but
uh because the the black pill Community
I've I've not engaged with much I I know
very little about it but when I think
about these things
um if I'm Quasimodo and like it really
is out of the cards for me like I I am
broken in a way that nobody is ever
going to find attractive
um
I feel like look that's really brutal
and I would never want that to be true
but at some point you either say okay
that part of my life is dead and I'm
gonna have to go find something
somewhere else
um
or it's going to drive you mad like I
couldn't let that become the core of my
identity there's no doubt that that
would be a part of it you can't get away
from that you don't want to pretend that
it isn't what it is but at the same time
like I when I think about again this all
comes back to frame of reference for me
what do you believe is true about the
world and how ought the world be yeah
and I would say though okay what is in
that moment I'm not going to find a
traditional relationship where physical
attraction is the the first um thing
that's going to lead me down that path
but the world ought to be such that
people fill that need for love and being
loved with something with some kind of
contribution like you need to go do
something dude go work at an animal
shelter it's not romance but it it is
being loved and it is companionship like
I that's where my mind goes like you
have to find an outlet for that
otherwise you end up in despair man yeah
and you know when I think about people
getting to the point where they believe
they can never be happy again and
suicide is the only option it's like
whoa whoa whoa like I'm not here to say
that there aren't major problems but I
am here to say knowing what I know about
how the mind works you still can point
your mind to something that will give
you that sense of fulfillment that that
recipe that I was talking about you you
can get to that point but it does
require you to force that North Star
upon yourself I mean first off I would
say you're not Quasimodo like you're
almost certainly not right like uh so
much of what I think
people are down about themselves when
you when you look at people who are in
true despair they've written themselves
up there's there's
ironically a kind of ego in it right
it's this sense like imposter syndrome
right imposter syndrome at the root of
it is incorrect in the sense that it
presumes anyone is thinking about you at
all right nobody is thinking about you
um but there is this sense I think when
you are down when things are not working
when you're unhappy that no one has ever
felt the way that you've ever felt no
one has ever had it as hard as you have
it and that your situation is unique and
it's not there's a great uh James
Baldwin quote he says you know you think
you're suffering in your pain is so
special and unique and then you read
right and then you realize you you are
opened up to a world in which people
have had it so much worse than you right
um have been dealt incredible hands of
adversity and suffering and
disfigurement and loss and pain and
those people got out of bed every
morning and tried and worked on
themselves and even the people that you
are jealous of that you think have it so
good are often dealing with secret pain
and baggage and loss and so the decision
to go hey I'm going to stop making this
so much about me I'm going to stop
making this so much on what has happened
or what I am worried is going to
continue happening and I'm just going to
focus on what I can do here and I love
your idea you go work in an animal
shelter you you get a job you uh you
meet friends like you you stop trying to
get get this one thing so bad and you
just focus on things that are much more
attainable and easy and you
you find in life that momentum is an
incredible thing and that oftentimes we
despair of some destination some far-off
change or transformation because we
don't see how we're going to get there
when really we should be focused on like
what the most immediate attainable
realistic next thing is you know if
you're 200 pounds overweight imagining
yourself you know ripped and yoked is
probably
inconceivable but like you could lose
five pounds you could lose 10 pounds you
could get up and go for a walk
um you know you you you haven't uh been
touched by a member of the opposite sex
and however long well you can still say
hi to someone in line you know what I
mean like that you you have to start so
much smaller than you think and and the
stoics talk about this they talk about
how like no one can stop you from doing
that they can stop you from some far off
outcome but they can't stop you from
doing that immediate next right thing
and it accumulates Xeno who we can
imagine Zeno he loses everything right
it's seems utterly hopeless that the
idea that he would become this world's
changing world-famous philosopher in his
own life he sought after by Kings and
you know
rebuilds his life and his fortune and
his relationships that was inconceivable
to him at that moment when he's
penniless and broke but he says later he
says well-being is realized by small
steps but it is no small thing and if if
we can understand these small steps
these little things that everyone talks
about that that are very well
established you know just basic best
practices of Life they add up in a big
way and they create something that is
big and transformative what are the
small steps of well-being I just mean
you know like some of them are cliches
but it's like you know wake up early go
to bed early eat well you know like I
try to do something hard every day like
physically hard every day
um why
because I like the challenge of it and
more importantly I like being a person
who
has is has a track record of doing hard
things that I don't want to do the
Stokes talk about they say you know we
treat the body rigorously so it's not
disobedient to the mind I want to
cultivate the practice of I'm a person
who pushes through hard stuff I'm a
person who decides what I'm going to do
and do it right and I wasn't always that
way no one is actually born that way
it's a it's a culmination of doing it of
building the Habit building the practice
which becomes a ritual which becomes an
identity which becomes a fact right like
um those basic practices like you could
get it off any random Instagram account
any diet book you know any self-improved
this is not rocket science but it is
hard work and it's the work like of a
lifetime you know waking up early three
days in a row that's not going to
magically make you who you are who you
want to be but the decision to wake up
early
focus on what you eat you know to
challenge yourself to put yourself out
there to do the thing you're afraid to
do these are you know habits that
compound and they
they you know they they shape you as you
are shaping them
yeah this is why I want people to
understand they're having a biological
experience so I want to remove all the
sort of hoity-toity-ness of why one
ought to do that the reality is there's
in your brain that is messing with
you and you are going to feel a profound
sense of disease if you don't do hard
things yes like the reason you should do
hard things is not because it makes you
a better person it is because there is a
a subroutine running in your brain that
is saying you're a piece of because
you don't do hard things now I wish that
that thing wasn't there your life would
be much easier if you weren't being
chased by a lion that you could still be
all right but the fact is that you it
will just niggle at you because that is
what evolution has had to program into
us to make sure that back when you were
going to get potentially eaten by a
saber-toothed tiger that you still went
out and braved it time and time again to
move forward to make a better life
disease is a great word that you're
using there on Wii would be another one
you know there is this sense it's not
just that you you dislike yourself
because you're not doing hard things but
you also have an anxiety or an
insecurity because you know things could
get worse you know things could happen
to you at any moment and because you
haven't tested yourself because you're
not actually sure if you're strong
you're worried right you're worried
about what tomorrow could bring Seneca
famously would practice poverty he was
very wealthy born to a wealthy family we
was successful was powerful and you
would try to spend like one day a month
he would like wear his worst clothes you
would he would he would you know walk
the streets he would you know survive on
bread and water and his point he said
the purpose of this practice was to be
able to look at like abject poverty and
go this is what you feared right like he
he could go through life taking risks
because he wasn't concerned about his
ability to handle a reversal of Fortune
right and so when you do hard things
whether it's running or uh you know
getting up on stage or you know lifting
heavy rocks like whatever it is what
you're cultivating is the the uh kind of
resilience and a kind of confidence like
I have a cold plunge right
um and there's supposedly a bunch of
health benefits to having this thing
right what temperature do you set Yours
at 39. oh that's cold it is cold it is
cold it's on bars down to like 50 52 and
that hurts it's awful at 52 it
hurts 39 is like a whole nother level of
suffering it is an unpleasant experience
right but there's also makes me feel
like a wuss over here there's all sorts
of research that you know it helps your
circulation and it helps your immune
system and it helps your whatever right
and you will feel different and and I
trust you know that the research is
legitimate but I actually don't give a
right like yeah it could all be
disproven tomorrow and I would still do
it fast because the the the benefit is
the sliding in and the unpleasantness
for the first minute or two minutes when
you're like this was a terrible mistake
this is deeply unpleasant this is not
natural I shouldn't be doing this and I
go no I decide I decided before I got in
how that I was gonna do it and how long
I was going to do it for and that's what
I'm cultivating what do you do does your
mind scramble when you hit the cold
water it I feel like a flurry and then
one of the exercises that I'm practicing
is
I want if I'm gonna do it for three
minutes it's not three minutes of
gritting my teeth and just enduring
something unpleasant but I also want
three minutes of presence so like Define
that for me like I have my you know it's
got a leading arm I am are you I'm hyper
aware that I'm sitting in the cold or
are you trying to be like cold is just
the thing I don't need to sort of be
captured by it well one of the core
things I'm trying to do in that moment
is not look at my phone which is telling
me how long I've been in it right right
like I want to sit and just be for as
long as I can
trying not to distract myself trying not
to count and to just actually be so I
try to I try to combine the cold or the
plunge experience with a couple minutes
of sort of present mindfulness okay so I
want to know more about what present
mindfulness is for you so I'll I'll give
you a description of what I'm doing in
the cold tell me if this is anything
like what you do so I hit the water and
my brain it it is screaming danger it's
actually telling me you're being injured
get out right now and so there's a
almost a sense of electric confusion
where I can't even tell what part of my
body hurts anymore it's it's just weird
like I couldn't it's almost like I'm
blinded for a second because it's so
confusing and it's so cold and it's just
like I just want to get out and so my
thing is how rapidly can I get to the
point where I feel at ease yes so I'm
not tense I'm completely relax